Wife Cheated on me with friends 16 years ago

[down2earth]

Oh, he did a little Catch-22 of his own, and that's what caught him up. She wants to please him, and he admits he likes the fantasy of her being with other guys. So she gives him the fantasy while they're having sex. Then he thinks it sounds too real, so he calls her a whore, wants to pass her around to his buddies and abuse her, and leave her.

 

Apparently it would have been better had she not catered to his fantasies.

 

She said she's done with my fantasies cause it's ruining our relationship, she did it all to please me and my desires. She was afraid I'd get bored sexually and might end up cheating on her. I've cheated on her with her cousin in law in the past but that was revenge for her abandoning me and dating someone else when she moved away.

 

Any advice on what I should do? If there's nothing to hide why not take a lie detector test to show her loyalty and love for the other half. Why all of a sudden she wants to leave me after taking the test?? Whats the big deal. We take the test and move on.

Edited December 25, 2013 by down2earth

[lollipopspot]

She said she's done with my fantasies cause it's ruining our relationship, she did it all to please me and my desires. She was afraid I'd get bored sexually and might end up cheating on her. I've cheated on her with her cousin in law in the past but that was revenge for her abandoning me and dating someone else when she moved away.

 

Any advice on what I should do? Ay, if I have nothing to hide I'd be more that willing to take a lie detector test to show my loyalty and love for my other half. Why all of a sudden she wants to leave me if she takes a lie detector test. I dont see the big deal here. We take the test and we move on.

 

Because she's hurt that you don't trust her, and she made up that fantasy for your pleasure - and now look what you're doing with it. Because you probably did express to her some of what you expressed to us here (not just your anger, but the particular form that it took - like wanting to see her used and abused and humiliated and tossed aside).

 

What should you do? Leave the past in the past and move on with your family.

 

I wonder - why do you have this double standard about this act for females vs. males? You've been no angel in the past = why do you have a higher standard for her than for yourself?

[down2earth]

Interesting if it comes down to: she didn't do anything but was only trying to give you a fantasy...yet you have pulled a train in reality (the gender makes zero difference), said all kinds of really foul things about her, and been in jail.

 

I hope she takes that polygraph and follows through. The hypocrisy is astounding.

 

We've both mad mistakes in the past but I've never screwed her friends behind her back and I'm talking multiple. If in fact she really screwed my friends they way she did, nothing I've done in the past justifies or come close to what she did. I couldn't live with that hanging over my shoulders. It just kills my man pride.

[lollipopspot]

It just kills my man pride.

 

Yeah, you need to let that go regardless. Who cares. Do want your family or do you want your "man pride?"

 

Are you originally from the U.S.?

[A.Moscote]

So there's a lot more history...hope you are much less revengeful (in bad ways) now.

Since the test has been a stumbling, why not you just think in hypothetical about the test at least for the time being. Put into paper the possible results, including the worst case, and what are your reactions to them. Maybe by doing that you'd be more decisive of what you want.

[road]

And nobody here feels she has redeemed herself after 16 years? What kind of wife has she been for her husband over all that time? Has she strayed with anyone else, or has she been a faithful and loving life partner? Young people often do incredibly stupid things, is there no way for her to live this down?

 

 

 

How do you redeem that your WW lied to you for 16 years?

 

 

How do you redeem that your WW lying when if she had told you the truth you would of not married her?

 

 

How do you redeem that your WW committed fraud on you and you can not get those 16 years back.

 

 

Then for added bonus your friends stabbed you in your back. It is 16 years ago and there is nothing you can do to even the score against them.

[road]

I will answer with a question: how many men do you think would marry this woman if they knew what she did?

 

Well, to answer your question, probably none, but how many of us had a sexual history (admittedly not as scandalous as this one) before we married. Did we share our past with our intendeds? Perhaps some did. I know Mrs. Thummper had several sexual encounters before I came along, as did I (some of which I am NOT proud of) but it made no difference to me. I loved her dearly ( and still do after 30 years). What she did before we married isn't as important as the fact that she has been loving and totally faithful to me since our marriage. To me, THAT'S all that matters.

 

 

 

Thummper, you answered the question. Very few. This guy was denied the choice. Being denied the choice can not be undone. 16 years can not be undone.

[lollipopspot]

We've both mad mistakes in the past but I've never screwed her friends behind her back...

 

I've cheated on her with her cousin in law in the past but that was revenge for...

 

It's generally worse to have an affair with the spouse's relative, because it's much harder to cut that person out of your lives.

 

How do you redeem that your WW lied to you for 16 years?

 

That's not certain. But you're missing a lot of other stuff that has gone on in this marriage, which is typical of this site. People often zero in on one act of cheating (which in this case may not have even happened), and ignore everything else, like if the other person was abusive or absentee or did illegal stuff or cheated themselves or otherwise broke their promises or integrity.

[road]

Nope, not a sign of guilt - she's agreeing to take the test. She's sure that she will pass the test, but it seems she didn't realize who she married. She thought you trusted her, and if you released any of the verbiage that you did here, she's probably dismayed by your hypocrisy and sexism.

 

 

 

Is a sign of guilt. She threw in the after the test I am going to leave you bluff. So she gets him to chicken out on the poly.

[strongnrelaxed]

New Update-

 

...She told me she made up the stories during sex cause she felt it turned me on. I find this hard to believe, ... I find it hard to make up such a story.

 

Listen brother. This woman is bad news for you no matter how you slice it. Your relationship is doomed. If she made this up, then what else is she making up?

 

Do not get me wrong - I am not judging her. Just her behaviors. Your trust and your head will be screwed up forever now. Believe me, one day soon you will be on this site hating on women because they play head games - yet you have a chance to stop the head games NOW...before it gets worse.

 

Get off of this site, go see a lawyer, talk to some friends and family and prepare yourself.

 

She is not evil. She is just being an American woman and she cannot help it. Let this go and do not judge her. She grew up in a tough neighborhood just like you.

 

Get out of there before things get worse. You have been warned.

[peruano99]

Yes, I did miss it. Sorry about that.

 

However, my opinion still stands. Let the past remain the past.

 

It is so sad when women try to cater to the fantasies of their men, only to be condemned for it later.

 

Well yeah since OP's wife said she only told a story to make him fantasize.

 

 

But I must ask you this, are you okay with someone cheating in the past? Because cheating is not ok.

 

Or do you mean past sexual relationships before starting a relationship?

[strongnrelaxed]

I'm a woman and I'm disgusted with her behavior, not only what she did sexually but the fact that she had a bf at the moment and she chose to do these disgusting things with his friends AND keep it a secret for years AND let her husband be friends with these horrible guys ...If I learnt that a man who is happily married had done this in his youth, I'd be disgusted as well. But to learn this about a woman... I just can't take it.

 

Thank you for saying this. If she had this sexual experience while she was single, and condoms were used, and she was buzzed, then this is the sort of thing that humans do. I do not judge people for sex things. I would have to judge the whole planet then and we need to stop with this.

 

I actually hold men to a higher standard. It is just that they fail a lot!

 

Double standards are changing and that is a good thing. Women do have more risks and responsibilities with sex, and they should learn this from a very young age- instead of hearing how all men want one thing, are creepy, sleazy, dogs, pigs, etc.

 

I do think this is changing and men are seen more as pathetic losers who can be manipulated by their libidos. If this continues, more and more men are going to get burned and bitter.

 

If you take this to its logical conclusion - let's say 100 years from now - why would a man work in a coal mine to make money for a family who sees him as a loser for doing it? Why would he risk his life in the military, or as a policeman or firefighter? Why would he ever sign a marriage contract? To be a slave to a woman who basically hates him for his gender?

 

Men are increasingly becoming losers. We have lost our way, and more and more these stories are creeping up. I have seen a rise in my own lifetime.

 

I am glad I am older and do not have to look forward to a lifetime of this mess.

[Fluttershy]

I'm a woman and I'm disgusted with her behavior, not only what she did sexually but the fact that she had a bf at the moment and she chose to do these disgusting things with his friends AND keep it a secret for years AND let her husband be friends with these horrible guys and them probably laughing behind his back. It's not ONLY a sexual thing that may or may not be common in these ages nowadays. Lets not forget this happened 16 years ago and it should not be dealt with today's standards.

 

I get what you are saying, he has double standards cause he did this to other girls as well but he doesn't like his wife to do the same thing. I can't blame him. I agree with the fact that women in society can't have the same standards and can't be dealt the same for the same actions as men. Women and men are equal but not the same. The standards are different. I'm sorry to say but I won't act the same to my son and to my daughter (if I have kids one day). How is it possible anyway? The woman having sex takes the risk to get pregnant, while the biggest risk a guy gets is to get STDs. When a couple gets married, the society expects from the man to work and provide for his family, while if the woman doesn't work, it will be ok. If they get a divorce, the woman will take the kids cause law says kids need their mother. There are so many differences between males and females that we accept. How can we be so hypocritical and demand same sexual standards?

 

If I learnt that a man who is happily married had done this in his youth, I'd be disgusted as well. But to learn this about a woman... I just can't take it.

What a horrible display of sexism. It is mindsets like these that keep society back. So untrue and down right disgusting. I will be back to pick it apart when I have time.

 

I find it deplorable that so many established members on this site are siding solely on the side of the H because the wife allegedly let her friends screw her because "you can't make up stories like that" (once again, duh, yes you can) this woman would be smart to leave such a twisted man. So, we get a snifff of cheating and ignore all the OPs red flags? Give your head a shake people. Im not sayin she is innocent or shouldn't do some soul searching or what not. But this story isn't all being told. If you hate something you really need to be sure it doesn't cloud your rational thinkin and make you not see te facts

 

I still sincerely hope it is a troll.

[strongnrelaxed]

What a horrible display of sexism. It is mindsets like these that keep society back. So untrue and down right disgusting. I will be back to pick it apart when I have time.

 

I find it deplorable that so many established members on this site are siding solely on the side of xxxI still sincerely hope it is a troll.

 

Flutter, I do not disagree with you. But sexism is not what this is all about - it is about betrayal and confusion of a man who can't figure this out (Assuming it is not a troll)

 

If you believe this to be sexist, then sexism is more rampant here against men by far. Perhaps you have not noticed?

 

I just nearly died in another thread about a woman who manipulated, cajoled, and sleazed here way into getting her guy to propose - and he DID! Jeheezus H Christ! That poor jerk will be on this site in 5 years complaining about how she screwed him over.

 

Listen there are people on both sides of these things. And true sexism is wrong no matter who it's aimed at. But your post is more sexist than the OP- unless you have said the same against women for the same sorts of posts, you are being disingenuous to point this out simply because he is a man or to assume that he might be a troll because he is a man.

 

THAT my dear, would be true sexism.

[Iguanna]

What a horrible display of sexism. It is mindsets like these that keep society back. So untrue and down right disgusting. I will be back to pick it apart when I have time.

 

I don't understand what sexism means. In my world men and women aren't treated the same and don't act the same, and I find it natural. Is a world where men and women do exactly the same things progressive? I find it weird and dangerous. This doesn't apply at the working environment of course or in terms of political, racial and religious matters where women and men should be treated the same. I'm talking about every day life, habits, general behavior.

[peruano99]

I'm not sure why you think that you should judge her on her past. She was a teenager. Young people often do dumb things, but then grow up and get wiser. With your bad boy past and the way you've made more of yourself, you should be the first person to know that.

 

Also, did I see you say in one of your posts that you did the same thing to other girls when you were younger? If so, I really don't think it's fair to judge her for being on the other side.

 

Don't get me wrong. I understand being really angry right now. You just found out about all of this. No guy likes to think of his woman being with another guy while they were together, let alone a whole train of guys. I don't blame you for being mad and having these mean thoughts.

 

I just think you owe it to her and your children to try to overcome these feelings and forgive her if you can. I'm not saying it's going to be easy. I actually think counseling would be a very good idea for you at this point. I'd say talk to a therapist for a while, then see how you feel and what you want to do. Don't let your anger at the moment cloud your judgment.

 

Also, your friends didn't have the last laugh. They got to screw her once. You went on to marry this hot chick and have a beautiful family with her. That's getting the last laugh. Of course, if you lose all of that because of what they did in the past, then you're right, they will have had the very last laugh.

 

 

 

I still can't get over this post. If she did cheat, he owes her nothing. He still can be a good father without her.

[bubbaganoosh]

Comes down to this. She agreed to take the polygraph so take her and have it done.

 

So what happens if she told the truth and just mad the story up for your sexual fantasies while having sex? Your going to lose your wife who through your own word have said that she's a good wife and mother.

 

She accepted your crummy behavior when you couldn't keep your ass out of trouble and married you. Has she ever brought up your past when you were off the rails? Ever threw it your face?

 

You weren't even married to her when this took place, if it ever did. Your the one who has to have the dirty talk while having sex rather than just enjoying each other. I not saying that you can't have dirty talk while having sex but it goes back to the question, what if she was saying these things to get you all hornied up?

 

You better think real hard before you act on this. You could be the big loser when all is said and done. Just saying.

[peruano99]

Nyla by your post, are you suggesting that it's okay for someone to cheat?

 

 

Yes, I did miss it. Sorry about that.

 

However, my opinion still stands. Let the past remain the past.

 

It is so sad when women try to cater to the fantasies of their men, only to be condemned for it later.

[thummper]

I don't get why you think she says it's ok to cheat. Her comment was let the past remain in the past. Once you marry, there's NO excuse for cheating. What happens before that should never be brought up again. You weren't part of that. She chose YOU to be with for the rest of her life. She married YOU, not some other guy. If you simply cannot deal with thoughts of HER past (before you wed) then do her, and you, a favor. Go your own separate ways and find happiness where you can. Don't keep rubbing her nose in it!

[peruano99]

I mean past sexual relationships.

 

I agree that cheating is never okay. However, many couples heal their marriages after

infidelity. In this case, the OP is punishing his wife for something she did nearly twenty years

ago. She was a vulnerable and drunk teenager. Also, the OP's wife stayed with him when he was a criminal. If she can do that, he should be able to offer the same compassion.

 

This is really about masculine pride being hurt and slut shaming. I say this because the OP mentioned "passing around" his wife.

 

 

 

Your other post meaning " Let the past be the past" sort of implied that even if she cheated, he should let that go.

[Fluttershy]

Flutter, I do not disagree with you. But sexism is not what this is all about - it is about betrayal and confusion of a man who can't figure this out (Assuming it is not a troll)

 

If you believe this to be sexist, then sexism is more rampant here against men by far. Perhaps you have not noticed?

 

I just nearly died in another thread about a woman who manipulated, cajoled, and sleazed here way into getting her guy to propose - and he DID! Jeheezus H Christ! That poor jerk will be on this site in 5 years complaining about how she screwed him over.

 

Listen there are people on both sides of these things. And true sexism is wrong no matter who it's aimed at. But your post is more sexist than the OP- unless you have said the same against women for the same sorts of posts, you are being disingenuous to point this out simply because he is a man or to assume that he might be a troll because he is a man.

 

THAT my dear, would be true sexism.

 

 

My comment was in reply to a poster not the OP. i quoted the comment. Where the person feels a woman engaging in the desribed behaviour is somehow more deplorable than a man. That i a double standard and sexist.

 

A person cheats- gender doesn't make it worse

A person sexual acts- there should be no gender distinction in our modern age

A person abandons their child- doesn't matter which gender

A person is violent- gender doesn't matter

 

I assume he is a troll and could be male or female because the story is caustic, has plenty of holes. It is very similar to another multiple poster who was caught trolling. It has nothing to do with sexism because if he was a troll he could easily be a she. Its an anonymous forum. We don't know who is behind the keyboard. I could be a dude! Or a twelve year old girl.

[Fluttershy]

Your other post meaning " Let the past be the past" sort of implied that even if she cheated, he should let that go.

 

If this happened. From the fragman pieces of his disclosuing information we

Know that she was a teenager, he was runnig with a very bad crowd, he either introduced his wife to his crowd or she also ran with the wild crowd. They also had an on again off again relationship that sounds like it was quite rocky. The both did some growing up and settled down but for a reason he still hasn't giveb he decided she had cheated while he was incarcerated. He encouraged her to tell him cuckhold stories. And got off on it. But this pne time e decided her story was so detailed it must have really happened (does he also beleieve Lord of the Rings really happened because that is some detailed sht). But he had been encouraging her to tell these fantasies.

 

Now he wants to sexually humiliate her, degrade her before the whole world even though from all accounts she has been a good wife and mother.

 

Yeah, if t did happen she should have told. If it did happen though I am surprised such "thugs" would have kept it under their hat. But she probably chalked it up as a one night drunken mistake that she was embarrassed she participated in. She may have spruced it up to turn him on. Or made the whole thing up.

 

But the OP has shown he was no saint and yet somehow judges her behaviour as far worse... And others do as well who are so blinded bu their hatred of cheating they can't see te forest for the trees.

 

Get the polygraph. Either she did do that and in which case he won't be able to get that she was a very young screwed up person who was around a very bad crowd. Their marriage is over. Or she didn't do anything and will leave realizing he pushed and set her up to convince himself she had cheated. Either way, it sounds like this marriage is over.

[drifter777]

Yeah, you need to let that go regardless. Who cares. Do want your family or do you want your "man pride?"

 

Are you originally from the U.S.?

lollipopspot: This shows you don't understand what "man pride" is all about. It is self-esteem and self-value. Once destroyed a man becomes depressed and angry. He may turn to alcohol or other drugs. He will have contempt for his wife - something that kills any possibility of love. He will never be at peace because he will never accept the fact that he let this slut disrespect him to this extreme degree and stayed with her. I'm not judging his WW as a slut - just pointing out what he will be thinking about her whenever he triggers.

 

OP: If all of this is true your life will be pure hell if you stay with her. You will never truly accept her disgusting behavior and it will torture you as long as you live with her. Don't be a fool - you have to divorce her.

[lollipopspot]

lollipopspot: This shows you don't understand what "man pride" is all about.

 

I know that the guys who I'm around don't get their "man pride" from pulling a train on women and then freaking out when they end up with a woman this has been done to, seeing it as an affront to their "man pride." It's not about being a hypocrite, if anything it would be about behaving extra honorably and protectively towards his family, and standing by them even if they make a mistake (if one has even been made here, beyond trying to please this guy sexually).

[samsungxoxo]

Tell it how it is. This is the kind of thing I used to do to other girls but never would I thought it would be done to my girl. I plan on kicking this bitch to the curb. I love my boys but I cant do it. I'll find me a legit girl in Asia. These hoes will do you really dirty. I just cant get over the fact someone else will have her.

 

Yeah, they got me good. I'll get mine in due time.

 

God Damn! They had my wife face down ass up and the whore is acting like she didnt know. Whats your opinion, she saw the other faces yeah?

Oh I see so it's not just her past cheating that's devastated but your madonna/whore complex too. Now I get it.

 

I think we're dealing with another man with that sex double standard who gets to used girls and brag about them to friends and even insult them but a girl has to only wait for him because??? Oh nothing, he has nothing to bring to the table.

 

Ironically, guys like him ended up with girls that had this type of drunken episode.

 

Your then gf (now wife) had to accept that you were in jail for 90 days and not only slept around in the past but brag about it, but yet when she does something in her past then suddenly you're a saint and she could be treated as a outcast???

Edited December 25, 2013 by samsungxoxo