chelsea2011 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Good for you for coming clean and I'm sorry that you're having a rough time of it right now. From what I've read in infidelity, your husband's reaction is very normal and he will go through all sorts of emotions for quite a while. it's diffcult right now, but it could lead you to a much better place with your husband in the future. A much more authentic happier place than you ever imagined. Stay strong and the emotional upheaval at the moment will calm down. As for "T" telling you his GF is stupid and won't suspect, well geesh, what a nice guy. That would skeeve me out and push any feelings I had right out into Siberia for good. Ugh. Link to post Share on other sites
Author roseruhi Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 Amidst all this, I just feel angry at the whole situation. I am angry at my husband because for months before this all happened I kept telling him I am not happy. I told him what changes I wanted and he did not do it. I tried to be happy with him, tried new things, but nothing. I am angry at myself to do this stupid thing with T. I am angry at T to fool me like this. But moreover I am just angry at myself for being such an emotional fool. Right now I just want to be alone, but my husband wont leave me alone as he wants all his questions answered, and I am happy to. And T wont leave me alone, because he wants to tell me how much he loved me and never wanted to hurt me. And all I want is to grieve alone and just people to leave me alone and let me breathe. I am really mad at myself to create such a mess and ruin everyone else's life. Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Maybe it would be good if you could go away for a few days. Sometimes being by yourself in silence is an excellent way to sort your thoughts and feelings. Right now Im sure you holding everything in. Link to post Share on other sites
ZMM Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Telling my husband everything may be the right thing to do, but it just feels like it was not the right time for some reason. Yes, some of these decisions you need to make on your own as you and the people you know are the ones that will feel the impact. Everybody on here may offer great advice, but they don't wear your shoes and whatever you do is not going to affect them in the slightest, so take the advice and think it through very carefully. Then do what you think is right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author roseruhi Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 Yes you are correct. I did not intend to tell him right away, but he confronted me two days ago and I just did not want to lie. He had no proof nothing, just a gut feeling, and I could have denied, but it just did not feel right to lie to him, but now I am in this huge mess, where I cannot deal with anything. I can go away for few days, but my husband will not let me. Even though we are separated and living separate lives, he checks on me constantly and I just do not want to give him any reason to be angry at me. I just want to be there for him, knowing that I need time to heal too. It is such a huge mess. Link to post Share on other sites
ZMM Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I can go away for few days, but my husband will not let me. You live in US, right? if so, he really can't stop you at least not legally. Link to post Share on other sites
Author roseruhi Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 Yes I live in US. I guess you are correct. Will try to get away for few days. thank you Link to post Share on other sites
ZMM Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Yes I live in US. I guess you are correct. Will try to get away for few days. thank you Be careful if you are afraid he would do something to you or come after you. Is that a concern? Link to post Share on other sites
Author roseruhi Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 Well he is a person with anger issues. 99 percent of the time he is very gentle and loving, but he has had 3-4 episodes when he was very violent and tried to hurt me physically. I do not want to bad mouth him because I know he is a good person. I discussed this with him many times that his anger scares me, but he feels it is not a problem as according to him when people get very angry, that is how they are supposed to react. Plus he tells me that he loves me a lot. Like for instance, once he threw his car keys at me while I was sitting at the passenger's seat. I was vvv scared, but it did not hit me. He says that he was not aiming towards me but just wanted to show his anger. Yesterday he pushed me on the bed rather hard, as I was not talking to him. I dont know how he will react, as I believe he is a good person who loves me a lot. He thinks I make these things up to make him look bad, and he was not abusive at all, but I am just scared with his physical intimidation and his face when he gets angry. There is truth to this that I am scared of him and dont know how he will react, even though I know he does not want to hurt me. Link to post Share on other sites
ZMM Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Well he is a person with anger issues. 99 percent of the time he is very gentle and loving, but he has had 3-4 episodes when he was very violent and tried to hurt me physically. I do not want to bad mouth him because I know he is a good person. I discussed this with him many times that his anger scares me, but he feels it is not a problem as according to him when people get very angry, that is how they are supposed to react. Plus he tells me that he loves me a lot. Like for instance, once he threw his car keys at me while I was sitting at the passenger's seat. I was vvv scared, but it did not hit me. He says that he was not aiming towards me but just wanted to show his anger. Yesterday he pushed me on the bed rather hard, as I was not talking to him. I dont know how he will react, as I believe he is a good person who loves me a lot. He thinks I make these things up to make him look bad, and he was not abusive at all, but I am just scared with his physical intimidation and his face when he gets angry. There is truth to this that I am scared of him and dont know how he will react, even though I know he does not want to hurt me. Okay, you need to be very careful. I don't know a lot about this, but from what you said and given the situation, this could turn ugly. Hopefully, someone on here can offer you advice in this area. You hadn't mentioned it earlier, but I could kind of sense from your tone that this may be an area of concern. Link to post Share on other sites
ZMM Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Is this something she should be concerned about - domestic violence? Link to post Share on other sites
Author roseruhi Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 I did not mention it before, because I did not want him to look bad. It was me who had done a horrible thing and I did not want anyone to judge him. He is certainly a victim here of my infidelity. But he does get very angry. Like he told me that he wants to hurt "T" very badly. I know he will not, but just stuff like this from his mouth, there is so much anger, which is not good. He says this is how you react when you are angry. He says that I try to play the victim by saying these things and I lie. I do not lie when I tell that I never want to see him that angry as it scares me a lot. I know he does not want to hurt me, but it is not a good feeling to be near a strong man with so much anger. He kicks stuff all around the house, throws stuff, bangs the door. I do not like so much anger. Link to post Share on other sites
ZMM Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I did not mention it before, because I did not want him to look bad. It was me who had done a horrible thing and I did not want anyone to judge him. He is certainly a victim here of my infidelity. But he does get very angry. Like he told me that he wants to hurt "T" very badly. I know he will not, but just stuff like this from his mouth, there is so much anger, which is not good. He says this is how you react when you are angry. He says that I try to play the victim by saying these things and I lie. I do not lie when I tell that I never want to see him that angry as it scares me a lot. I know he does not want to hurt me, but it is not a good feeling to be near a strong man with so much anger. He kicks stuff all around the house, throws stuff, bangs the door. I do not like so much anger. Regardless of your infidelity, he has absolutely no right to use physical force - and you two were actually separated for an extended time before it happened. That is neither here nor there, either way, he still has no right to get physical with you or T, but especially you. And people who can't control their anger do the type of stuff you mentioned. Everyone does not do that when they get angry. Link to post Share on other sites
ZMM Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Before you take off for a few days, let some people respond to this who know more about this subject than I do. I am sure you will get some good advice on how to proceed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author roseruhi Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 I am glad you said that. I wish I can go and tell him this, but if I tell him I posted this in a public forum, he will get very angry at me again, that I am trying to make him look bad and blaming everything on him. I am really not trying to do that. But I guess, right now I cannot bring this issue again with him, as he is the victim here. Once things cool down, I can probably bring it up again, and tell him that this bothers me. I hope he understands. Link to post Share on other sites
ZMM Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I am glad you said that. I wish I can go and tell him this, but if I tell him I posted this in a public forum, he will get very angry at me again, that I am trying to make him look bad and blaming everything on him. Yeah, probably not a real good idea to tell him about this now. I am sure on that. Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Can you maybe tell him you are going to visit a distant relative out of town? That way he may feel some security. You really need to think of yourself right now. If you arent thinking clearly things could get more complicated. It would also give him some time to cool off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author roseruhi Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 Have no relatives in this country. No friends either, except for T and my husband. I think I will just stay home and wait for him, if he wants to talk. Will try to ignore negative thoughts from anyone. Thank you all for your support. Link to post Share on other sites
ZMM Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Have no relatives in this country. No friends either, except for T and my husband. I think I will just stay home and wait for him, if he wants to talk. Will try to ignore negative thoughts from anyone. Thank you all for your support. Oh, he's not home. I guess you could safely leave then. Link to post Share on other sites
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