I've Had Enough !

[george roy]

Hello all,

 

Let me tell you the story.

 

Typically, one of the kids spends the weekend with her parents. STBXW is working, so I usually take that child over.

 

Not a big deal. Dropped off the child, kept conversation light and civil with the in-laws, no discussion about anything really.

 

STBXW texts and asks where we (kids) are. I text back we are on the way home.

 

So I get home with the other children. Put them in bed.

 

And then STBXW wants to know what I talked to her father about tonight.

 

Silence.

STBXW: "What did you and my father talk about tonight ?"

Silence.

STBXW: "What did you and my father talk about tonight ?"

Me: Silence

STBXW: "No. What did you talk about tonight ?"

Me: "Please just leave me alone".

STBXW: "No"

Me: Silence

A little more of that, and STBX shuts the TV off.

STBXW: "What did you and my father talk about tonight ?"

Me: Silence

STBXW: "Tell me what you and my father talked about tonight."

Me: Silence

STBX: "Tell me what you and my father talked about tonight."

Me: "He asked what the kids knew"

STBXW: "What else ?"

Me: "Please. Just please leave me alone".

 

STBXW charges me and tries to grab my laptop. Starts taking swings and leaves a few nice gouges on my shoulder.

Me: "Get off me !!"

 

And I eventually manage to get her off of me using my forearms.

 

Time to call local PD.

 

PD shows up, and asks what happened. I tell them about the impending divorce, and that I asked repeatedly for her to please leave me alone.

 

STBXW comes out of the room, and they get her side of the story.

 

She claims that I tried to take a swing at her.

 

The primary officer caught on from the start.

 

(Of course the Olympus was running. But it wasn't needed tonight).

 

Cop: "Ma'am, there are no marks on you. he has marks on him. And he's the one that called us."

STBXW: "But he won't talk to me about..."

Cop: "He doesn't have to talk to you. And that doesn't mean you start beating him up".

 

Now the middle child is awake. And crying.

 

Back and forth, finally the cop says, "Either he can leave or you can leave".

STBXW: "I'm not leaving. I have nowhere to go tonight."

Me: "She can stay at (friend's) house. She can stay at her father's. She can get a hotel room."

Cop: "We can have her arrested if you like".

Before the words can get out of my mouth, STBXW says, "Then arrest me"

 

:eek:

 

Cop puts her hands behind her back, and STBXW says, "Wait, can I still leave ?"

Cop looked at me and I said, "Fine" .

 

Long story short, she's gone for the night.

 

Yes, I know I should have had the cuffs thrown on her. In retrospect, I'm kicking myself in the @ss for not having her arrested.

 

But I had a moment of weakness. Regardless of all STBX's bull$h!t, I didn't want my daughter to see that.

 

Sunday she came home and tried to start in again, but I just kept telling her to please leave me alone.

 

Apparently I'm a 'gutless coward'.

 

So after all the drama this weekend, STBXW texted me this morning.

 

STBXW: "Do you want to meet and discuss things, or am I signing the divorce papers ?"

Me: "What do you want to discuss ?"

STBXW: "I want to talk about what the plans for the kids are".

In each of her texts, STBXW claims she "doesn't want a divorce" and/or she "still loves me" (alternating between each text).

 

We met in a 'public place' today. Hoping to work out the details ourselves, with minimal attorney involvement.

 

The more we could figure out on our own, the less $$$ we're looking at.

 

So eventually I ask, "What did the last lines of your texts mean ?"

 

STBXW: "This is what you want."

Me: "Is this what you want ?"

STBXW: "No"

Me: "Then what are you willing to do differently ?"

STBXW: "Stop going out late. Spend more time at home."

Me: "What about your other relationship ?"

STBXW: "I'm not going to discuss that with you".

 

Sounds to me like STBXW wants to have her cake and eat it, too.

 

I'm thinking I need to file for an Order Of Protection ?

 

Thoughts, suggestions, input, and advice are appreciated.

[oldshirt]

Me: "What about your other relationship ?"

STBXW: "I'm not going to discuss that with you".

 

.

 

 

 

Direct translation = "I am going to continue seeing him."

[Mercy88]

I agree with Oldshirt. She doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to have you either i.e. you are correct, she want's her cake and to eat it too. Divorce her. The relationship sounds toxic and it is NEVER okay to put your hands on your spouse when they have repeatedly asked you to leave them alone. Do yourself a favor and Google "Trent Shelton" go to his website and watch his videos. You'll be glad you did. They will help you to gain clarity.

[aliveagain]

Why waste any more time, file, she won't take you seriously until you do. Why would you want to be with a wife that is actively dating? Who want's to share their wife with other men, you can do better. Stay on your path, she may pull her head out of her ass before the divorce is final.

[Oberfeldwebel]

If she is not willing to give up the other relationship, then there is really nothing to talk about. If you have not already done so, consult with an attorney to determine your legal rights. You two do need to figure out an arrangement for care of the children in the short and long term. Lastly, you need to protect your financial assets as well, separate accounts, credit cards, .... etc.

[george roy]

I have filed. She was served last week.

 

And yesterday's conversation was supposed to be about what we would do about the kids needs.

 

She is still living in the house.

 

I've been sleeping in the guest room for a while, and I just installed a deadbolt on the door so I can sleep in peace at night.

[Iguanna]

Wow some women have a nerve! But some men are so soft, it's like they are asking for it... Be a man and stop interacting with her. She knows she can change your mind. Get a lawyer (totally worth the money spent there in this case), let him tell you your rights and let him do the negotiations. For now concentrate on your kids and yourself.

 

What an audacity...

[george roy]

Wow some women have a nerve! But some men are so soft, it's like they are asking for it... Be a man and stop interacting with her. She knows she can change your mind. Get a lawyer (totally worth the money spent there in this case), let him tell you your rights and let him do the negotiations. For now concentrate on your kids and yourself.

 

What an audacity...

 

I have an attorney, and I was hoping to settle this with as little disruption as possible. Especially when it comes to the kids.

 

I've suggested that we each make some sort of 'wish list' and compare.

 

I'm wondering if my meeting with her yesterday (in a public place) would prevent me from getting a TRO.

[Iguanna]

I have an attorney, and I was hoping to settle this with as little disruption as possible. Especially when it comes to the kids.

 

I've suggested that we each make some sort of 'wish list' and compare.

 

I'm wondering if my meeting with her yesterday (in a public place) would prevent me from getting a TRO.

 

The more you say, the more things she'll have to use against you. Stop talking with her about the divorce and the kids etc. The lawyer will take care of this all.

[george roy]

The more you say, the more things she'll have to use against you. Stop talking with her about the divorce and the kids etc. The lawyer will take care of this all.

 

Yesterday, I let her do most of the talking. And I didn't allude to anything that I was wanting as far as kids, etc.

 

She expects that I'll want the house, which I do. Include that I'm primary caregiver, and it makes the best sense.

 

She was hoping to avoid a big legal battle and to avoid the kids going into the court system (which I don't want either).

 

The attorney she spoke with wants a retainer slightly more than twice as much as my attorney's retainer.

 

And while my lawyer explained to me that I am his client, he would be willing to look at anything we could agree upon (and avoid a costly courtroom battle).

 

So if we could come up with an arrangement between ourselves, that would be better in the long run, especially for the kids.

 

But she's been pretty obtuse about anything other than the kids.

Edited December 24, 2013 by george roy

[dumped2013]

My exw and I used the same Attorney and came up with an agreement between ourselves. The Attorney cost me 1200 including filing fees. My buddy and his stbxw have been fighting it out for over a year and their Attorney's bills up over 100,000 so far.

[george roy]

My exw and I used the same Attorney and came up with an agreement between ourselves. The Attorney cost me 1200 including filing fees. My buddy and his stbxw have been fighting it out for over a year and their Attorney's bills up over 100,000 so far.

 

And I'm hoping to avoid a big legal battle as well.

 

I don't want to see the kids go through the system. And have a judge decide what and when and who they spend time with.

 

She seems to want to figure this out amicably.

 

Fugg the marriage at this point.

 

It's about protecting the kids right now.

[Yasuandio]

People can get really hate at divorce time. My ex-husband's non-cooperation stretched the battle out four years - my side of legal fees were over 200g. He wanted to punish me - and still does - no matter the cost to the estate. Her - 15 months post divorce- he still refuses to sign papers of assets over to me (2 underwater homes), which makes it impossible fore me to refinance, get out from under mortgage insurance on one of them, and sell (I have an offer on the rental where I can make a clear 100g - no agents). But he has done nothing to remove his business loan off my home as collateral for the loan (and put it on his home - which is worth more - so it is easy for him). He walked away with a windfall - a very successful franchise almost paid for. But -- my hands are tied.

 

I'm busy fighting former attorneys to keep my awards right now. I've had my hands full all year.

 

Your wife is the wrongdoer - just as my husband was. But somehow the wrongdoer transfers or projects their bad character upon their own spouse - even after the divorce - so don't count on this stopping.

 

Her repeated demanding questions, and distributing is her anger at herself. Followed up by "go ahead - cuff me" (not)! All for the sake of GIVE ME ATTENTION NOW! That is all manipulation to get a rise out of you - by doing nothing, she is going to escalate - even more. If you are serious about the divorce - I would stop the passive-aggressive (ignoring, silence, stuff you know thats pissing her off) thing, and get a TRO, or different living quarters.

 

You don't want a bunny boiler incident do you? She sounds pretty wakka wakka (Korean for nuts) and capable of such. Self-centered, demanding, Narcissitic, angry cake-eater. And she might wack you in your sleep - it only takes one foot to kick in a dead bolt - I've done it myself with a solid oak door to break into my own house when I got locked out. Interior doors are cheaply made.

 

Get her out of there. Go on and make a police complaint and record of this

recent event. This is perfect opportunity. You don't have to tell her. She probably will be arrested. Im surprised they didn't arrest her really. Police normally take it out of the vic's hands - in US these days. Sorry you are going through this. Yas

[dreamingoftigers]

Your wife is the wrongdoer - just as my husband was. But somehow the wrongdoer transfers or projects their bad character upon their own spouse - even after the divorce - so don't count on this stopping.

 

Truer words were never spoken.

 

I see this in my husband and it has scared the Hell out of me until now.

 

Now, he can do his worst. I'm not listening to his dysfunctional, manipulative, character-assassinating crap anymore.

 

He has lost my attention. If he wants it back, he can be functional for a change. We aren't a "team" anymore until he shows me he can be.

[RightThere]

My exw and I used the same Attorney and came up with an agreement between ourselves. The Attorney cost me 1200 including filing fees. My buddy and his stbxw have been fighting it out for over a year and their Attorney's bills up over 100,000 so far.

 

We're actually in the process of using a mediator (same difference). Hoping to keep everything under $2,000.

 

George Roy - Good for you for not having your STBXW arrested in front of the kids. Although she deserved it, seeing something like that could do a lot of damage to the kids.

[george roy]

Your wife is the wrongdoer - just as my husband was. But somehow the wrongdoer transfers or projects their bad character upon their own spouse - even after the divorce - so don't count on this stopping.

 

Her repeated demanding questions, and distributing is her anger at herself. Followed up by "go ahead - cuff me" (not)! All for the sake of GIVE ME ATTENTION NOW! That is all manipulation to get a rise out of you - by doing nothing, she is going to escalate - even more. If you are serious about the divorce - I would stop the passive-aggressive (ignoring, silence, stuff you know thats pissing her off) thing, and get a TRO, or different living quarters.

 

You don't want a bunny boiler incident do you? She sounds pretty wakka wakka (Korean for nuts) and capable of such. Self-centered, demanding, Narcissitic, angry cake-eater. And she might wack you in your sleep - it only takes one foot to kick in a dead bolt - I've done it myself with a solid oak door to break into my own house when I got locked out. Interior doors are cheaply made.

 

Get her out of there. Go on and make a police complaint and record of this

recent event. This is perfect opportunity. You don't have to tell her. She probably will be arrested. Im surprised they didn't arrest her really. Police normally take it out of the vic's hands - in US these days. Sorry you are going through this. Yas

 

That's what it seems to be every time we get into therapy. It's always something "I" did, or don't do.

 

I could paint the guest room wall Burgundy, and THAT would be another reason why this is all happening.

 

As far as different living quarters, I don't dare move out of the house. Once that happens, I stand to lose a lot.

 

There is an incident report on file. And as we've co-habitated sine the incident, I don't know if the TRO would stick.

And once I serve the TRO (if I can get one), that cuts off all communication between us. And then it starts getting ugly.

 

And then I put my fate (and the fate of my children) in a judge's hands. Who has seen tons of these cases before, and probably has a rubber stamp as far as 'she gets this, you get that'.

[george roy]

Truer words were never spoken.

 

I see this in my husband and it has scared the Hell out of me until now.

 

Now, he can do his worst. I'm not listening to his dysfunctional, manipulative, character-assassinating crap anymore.

 

He has lost my attention. If he wants it back, he can be functional for a change. We aren't a "team" anymore until he shows me he can be.

 

And I'm much of the same mind as you, dreamingoftigers.

 

I'm done listening to the 'blame game'.

 

I'm not perfect.

 

But even if I were a three pack a day smoker who had a twelve pack of beer every night, never showered, and was miserable and never spoke to her, that STILL doesn't justify cheating on your spouse.

 

She says she doesn't want this. And wants to work on it.

 

But she's apparently not willing to give up Mr. Wonderful.

 

You wanna work on it, like you say you do ?

 

Show me. Don't tell me. Show me.

 

Can't have it both ways.

 

We're playing nice for the next couple of days.

 

For the kid's sake.

 

At least to give them the Christmas that they deserve.

[george roy]

We're actually in the process of using a mediator (same difference). Hoping to keep everything under $2,000.

 

George Roy - Good for you for not having your STBXW arrested in front of the kids. Although she deserved it, seeing something like that could do a lot of damage to the kids.

 

If that can work out as far as a mediator type thing, I'm all for it.

 

She claims she hasn't signed the papers yet. That if I want this, then she will sign them.

 

She's got 20 days from the date of service to respond. I'll let her decide to sign or not.

 

The ball is in her court.

 

And thanks, RightThere.

 

I couldn't bear the thought of STBXW being cuffed and taken away in front of my daughter.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have some news for you: it's already ugly.

 

That's what it seems to be every time we get into therapy. It's always something "I" did, or don't do.

 

I could paint the guest room wall Burgundy, and THAT would be another reason why this is all happening.

 

As far as different living quarters, I don't dare move out of the house. Once that happens, I stand to lose a lot.

 

There is an incident report on file. And as we've co-habitated sine the incident, I don't know if the TRO would stick.

And once I serve the TRO (if I can get one), that cuts off all communication between us. And then it starts getting ugly.

 

And then I put my fate (and the fate of my children) in a judge's hands. Who has seen tons of these cases before, and probably has a rubber stamp as far as 'she gets this, you get that'.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yep, same deal.

 

"Sexual addiction" and period alcohol relapse.

The latest: getting into MY prescription medication.

No biggie. Just stuff I need for my BRAIN to FUNCTION!

 

But it has to do with the fact that I say things like "what kind of person steal their wife's prescription?"

 

Apparently that makes the cycle begin again because "he can't cope."

 

I had the female version of him as a friend (yeah I know, clearly I've had a "type.") she once worked for me. "Um, hi, dreamingoftigers, I drank a can of Coke, and now it's giving me anxiety. I have to go home for the day." "What do you mean I can't spend an hour in line on my shift to deposit my check." "Yeah, I took two hours off. I had to drive home to warm up my lunch!" (Microwaves on-site by the way).

 

It's the stealing, the disrespect and the lying but the number one thing: insulting my damn intelligence just so damn much. I mean, you can't come up with anything better than that? "Warm up your lunch? Maybe some pills fell out!? " like COME ON! Am I the only one who watched cable growing up?

 

If you are going up be a completely loopy, non-functional spouse, at least make it fun!

 

And I'm much of the same mind as you, dreamingoftigers.

 

I'm done listening to the 'blame game'.

 

I'm not perfect.

 

But even if I were a three pack a day smoker who had a twelve pack of beer every night, never showered, and was miserable and never spoke to her, that STILL doesn't justify cheating on your spouse.

 

She says she doesn't want this. And wants to work on it.

 

But she's apparently not willing to give up Mr. Wonderful.

 

You wanna work on it, like you say you do ?

 

Show me. Don't tell me. Show me.

 

Can't have it both ways.

 

We're playing nice for the next couple of days.

 

For the kid's sake.

 

At least to give them the Christmas that they deserve.

[george roy]

The STBX and I originally agreed that only I would take them to my family's Christmas, and vice-versa. I spoke with her Eve morning, and we agreed to go to each other's. For the kids.

 

My big thing (and she agreed) was that I (we) didn't want this to be the Christmas they remembered as "the one Daddy or Mommy weren't at".

They need time to come to terms with this.

 

Also, I think, barring everything else, she wants to figure this out amicably. Her biggest concern is the kids going through the court system (which I agree).

I don't need a judge deciding my children's fate.

 

All that said, I took a truly objective look at everything:

 

I don't foresee her having an endgame. Anything's possible, I suppose.

But she's not in a position to have me 'put' or 'removed from' anywhere. If that happens, there's no one to take care of the kids. Maybe my parents, but she wouldn't go for that.

And once she pulls a move like that, the kids go in the system. Which she (and I) don't want.

 

I don't see her pulling a move like that.

 

Christmas Day was a rough one.

Her mother lives out of state. And a couple of weeks ago, she sent the kids (and us) their Christmas gift cards. I got the package in the mail and shoved it in the cabinet.

So Christmas morning, STBX asks if her mother sent anything. Yes, it's in the cabinet.

And they weren't. With all the paperwork I've been keeping safe, I couldn't remember where I put the cards !!

She thought I was hiding them on her, that I wanted to ruin Christmas, she can't call her mother until I find them, etc.

 

I tell her to call her mother and tell her what happened. They are here, I have just misplaced them. Tell her that I misplaced them.

STBX: "I haven't even told my mother you served me with divorce papers".

(Almost like it's my fault for serving papers).

Later that night I found them. And things seem to be... well... 'ok'.

 

In emails the other day regarding how to proceed (kids, house, etc), she kept saying that she doesn't want this divorce, she still loves me, etc.

She wants to know if I want her to sign the divorce papers.

 

On some level, I want to buy into that. But I'm still keeping my guard up.

 

When I asked about the relationship, she said that she "wasn't going to talk to me about that".

I suppose that could be taken to mean no. It could also be taken to mean that she doesn't want to discuss the details (which I wouldn't want to hear anyway).

 

And I didn't press the issue at the time (I should have asked for clarification).

 

In any case, I have my guard up.

 

If she wants to work on it, then some serious changes need to happen.

 

If not, then sign 'em and let's get on with it.

 

She has the papers. She can decide to sign or not.

[dreamingoftigers]

The STBX and I originally agreed that only I would take them to my family's Christmas, and vice-versa. I spoke with her Eve morning, and we agreed to go to each other's. For the kids.

 

My big thing (and she agreed) was that I (we) didn't want this to be the Christmas they remembered as "the one Daddy or Mommy weren't at".

They need time to come to terms with this.

 

Also, I think, barring everything else, she wants to figure this out amicably. Her biggest concern is the kids going through the court system (which I agree).

I don't need a judge deciding my children's fate.

 

All that said, I took a truly objective look at everything:

 

I don't foresee her having an endgame. Anything's possible, I suppose.

But she's not in a position to have me 'put' or 'removed from' anywhere. If that happens, there's no one to take care of the kids. Maybe my parents, but she wouldn't go for that.

And once she pulls a move like that, the kids go in the system. Which she (and I) don't want.

 

I don't see her pulling a move like that.

 

Christmas Day was a rough one.

Her mother lives out of state. And a couple of weeks ago, she sent the kids (and us) their Christmas gift cards. I got the package in the mail and shoved it in the cabinet.

So Christmas morning, STBX asks if her mother sent anything. Yes, it's in the cabinet.

And they weren't. With all the paperwork I've been keeping safe, I couldn't remember where I put the cards !!

She thought I was hiding them on her, that I wanted to ruin Christmas, she can't call her mother until I find them, etc.

 

I tell her to call her mother and tell her what happened. They are here, I have just misplaced them. Tell her that I misplaced them.

STBX: "I haven't even told my mother you served me with divorce papers".

(Almost like it's my fault for serving papers).

Later that night I found them. And things seem to be... well... 'ok'.

 

In emails the other day regarding how to proceed (kids, house, etc), she kept saying that she doesn't want this divorce, she still loves me, etc.

She wants to know if I want her to sign the divorce papers.

 

On some level, I want to buy into that. But I'm still keeping my guard up.

 

When I asked about the relationship, she said that she "wasn't going to talk to me about that".

I suppose that could be taken to mean no. It could also be taken to mean that she doesn't want to discuss the details (which I wouldn't want to hear anyway).

 

And I didn't press the issue at the time (I should have asked for clarification).

 

In any case, I have my guard up.

 

If she wants to work on it, then some serious changes need to happen.

 

If not, then sign 'em and let's get on with it.

 

She has the papers. She can decide to sign or not.

 

Its pretty clear that she doesnt Want to work towards actually solving the issues or managing the conflict with you though. Its just, "dont divorce me because this is allyour fault anyway." As long as shes afraid of feeling shame, shes not going to take responsibility. Thats where the projection cones from. Avoiding that shame.

[george roy]

Its pretty clear that she doesnt Want to work towards actually solving the issues or managing the conflict with you though. Its just, "dont divorce me because this is allyour fault anyway." As long as shes afraid of feeling shame, shes not going to take responsibility. Thats where the projection cones from. Avoiding that shame.

 

That's it in a nutshell.

 

I honestly think she's afraid to tell her mother that I served her papers. The fact that I'm the one that served her is (I think) pretty telling to anyone looking from the outside in.

And I'm not her first marriage. There were no kids, and I don't know how that marriage ended (she's told me, but there are two sides to every story).

 

I'd imagine there's a disappointment level (from her mother) as far as telling her mother that she's getting another divorce.

 

She wants to settle things out of court. But so far there's been no real discussion about anything.

 

Last night, we had a family function (geared toward the kids) to go to. Things went well, we put on our game faces for the kids. Honestly, things went surprisingly smooth.

 

After the kids are in bed, STBXW says to me, pretty much out of the blue (almost felt like she was fishing for information):

 

STBXW: "I'm under the assumption that you'd rather I not be here, right ?

ME: "As far as ?

STBXW: "My moving out"

ME: "If that's what you want to do"

 

STBXW: "Well what do you want to do with the divorce ? Umm, do you want me to move out ? We need to discuss this. I made an appointment to see an apartment tomorrow"

ME: "Well, go look at an apartment tomorrow then"

 

STBXW: "Well, I want to have things with the kids decided before I move out, though"

ME: "Ok"

 

STBXW: "You cant sleep in the addition forever"

ME: "No, I can't"

 

Long dramatic pause.

 

STBX: "All right"

 

A short staring contest, and then she went to bed.

 

So this morning I saw her in the kitchen.

 

ME: "You said you don't want a divorce. But you're not willing to change what's causing the divorce".

STBX: "Neither are you". :?

ME: "I'm not seeing someone else... There's a big difference".

 

Then our daughter came in the kitchen, and STBXW was on her way out, so that was pretty much the end of that conversation.

 

I'd be willing to listen to anything she had to say. Doesn't mean I'd have to accept anything, either.

 

But then there's some things that would have to change drastically before there were even a chance of reconciliation.

If she could put her pride aside for a moment...

 

The divorce is no-fault. So the only way to go (if she wanted to work on it) is up.

 

But the odds are that I'll never hear it from her, anyway.

 

Looks like she'd rather avoid admitting she f***ed up, and keep her pride intact.

 

It is what it is.

[RightThere]

Looks like she'd rather avoid admitting she f***ed up, and keep her pride intact.

 

This is very typical of the cheating spouse (mine is exactly the same).

 

They live in their fantasy world where they are not wrong about anything. Everything that happens to them is someone else's fault. And anything that they do wrong is because of a wrong someone else caused them.

 

Don't try to reason or understand them anymore. You cannot argue sense with nonsense.

[Mystery2Me]

Absolutely agree with RightThere! In taking the high road, doing what's best for the chlildren, as difficult as it is you she just gonna have suffer HER choices.

 

You can not keep moving the bottom line up to absolve her the consequences of her poor choices just because it is hard to watch. I mean really, she can't have it both ways....won't let the OM go, but you must consider her wants/needs. Sorry...GAME OVER. You must for the children as much as possible, do not fall her behavior to where the police must come.

 

You have some tough days ahead, lean on your friends and family...it's gonna hurt but you can do it.