Husband left for 18 yo and coming around for...

[kwk0821]

Well I have been veiwing this site for a while and I have finally got the nerve to tell my story and see if any one can offer any help.. On July 8, 2004 I came home from work to find a note on my table saying my husband of 4 years was leaving me and our 10 month old son. I had no idea it was coming to him leaving, yes we had our arguments but who don't.

 

I called him on his cell and he said he needed time to think, so I let him do so. I learned 2 days later that he was seeing a 18 year old girl. Of course at first he denied it. Then a few weeks later he admitted to me she was a good girl who never argued with him and he loved her, boy did that almost kill me.

 

From the day he left he never contacted me about our son, everything had to go through his mother. She would pick him up for weekend visits and also bring him home. We had no contact until his 1st birthday. On Aug. 31 he came by my house @ 11:00pm and said he was quitting his job to do construction in Florida from the hurricanes. So he left for Florida the next day.

 

Then he would only visit our son on Sundays after spending the whole weekend with the GF. The first week of Sept. I got a call from him while he was in Florida and he said he loved and missed us and he wanted to work on our marriage. That changed the very next week with I know it will never work out.

 

So I went to a lawyer and had him served with papers for divorce. I called him on Oct. 1 and asked him if he was sure this is what he wanted and he said "I think so". We went ot court on Oct. 25 for a Temp. Hearing and I got full custody, child support, Ins. on me and the baby, house payment and a few other things. so I feel like I came out on top. In court he denied any involvement with this girl.

 

Since he has left I have lost over 50lbs and I am trying to move on with my life, but it is so hard. I am still close to some of his family, and he is asking them questions, if I am seeing anyone, why would he even care. Everyone will call me and tell me they see him and his gf together and it hurts so bad.

 

Well on Dec. 17 he was the one to bring our son to my mom's after visitation. He stayed around and talked to me as if I were his best friend, when he left he hugged me and I told him one day he would regret what he did to me and he sais he already regret leaving his son but not me.

 

His mother asked if she could have aour son for a little while on Christmas eve and I told her she could, so the ex came to my mother's house to pick him up and questioned why he could not come to my house to get our little boy. When he came to get him on Christmas day I was not real happy with it, bc I have never been without my baby for a whole week.

 

When he came in my cell phone was ringing and he said for me to let my boyfriend(I do not have one)I would be over shortly. Which p'ed me off. OK Here comes the good part, on Monday I called to see if I could come see our little boy Tuesday, and he sid that would be fine.

 

On Tuesday I went over to see him and one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. So on Wednesday he called and asked if he could come to my house and I said OK and well it happened again. We never talked about getting back together, but he was the same person I fell in love with. When he was leaving he kissed me very passionately. He asked me if I would watch our son for him to go hunting on Fri.

 

On Thursday I had made plans to go out with my friends and and I told him to leave a message on my answering machine about what time he ws going to bring him over for me to keep. Well he left a message being very ugly. He called my cell phone and was being a butt, asking me if I was drunk yet, I staerted to explain what I had done and he went off, telling me it was none of his buisness the the Heck I did, and he hung up.

 

On Friday he phoned back to say he was sorry if I got upset, he was only picking at me. Well Friday night(after having sex w/ me 2 times)one of me friends seen him and his gf at a party and she was trying to kiss him and he kept pushing her away. Only because he was busted once again.

 

When he brought our son home Saturday I was laying on the recliner and he just walk in w/o even knocking. He walked over to me and grab my breast. I asked him what was he doing, and he said he had to go. He left and I have not spoke to him since. What in the world is going on???????

[Ladyjane14]

I'd say the grass is looking greener on BOTH sides of his fence. If you don't like the current arrangement, and he can't make a decision on who he wants to be with....well, there's nothing stopping you making the choice for him.

 

He can't play with you if you don't allow it. You're giving him some mixed signals here that allow him to 'have his cake and eat it too'.

 

What you have to decide first and foremost is what YOU want. Where do you see yourself a few years from now? Do you still have a place in your life for him, and if so in what capacity?

 

Once you've decided what it is that YOU want, then you can start moving in a direction that will enable you to create your own destiny.

 

[SoleMate]

Yikes! Please don't have sex with your errant husband, unless you really can risk another pregnancy and/or STDs. I think it confuses both of you. If he wants a nice home life with you and your son, including intimate relations with you, he needs to come home, start being a husband and father again, and give the 18 yo to heave-ho. Make it clear that he can't have both, and a great way to emphasize that is to refuse sexual advances.

 

I think your husband is experiencing some guilt and suspicion about you - all based on his OWN bad behavior! It's up to you now to decide whether this marriage is worth fighting for. Please see <URL removed>

 

Also - he should not have been able to quit his job unless he is positive he can keep up with support payments to you. I hope you have seen a lawyer about this. You may eventually need help to garnishee his out-of-state earnings.

 

Good luck, I wish you the best.

[kwk0821]

I would like to thank u both for your comments, I wish I could go back and do it over. I would have never thought he would have ever hurt me so bad the first time, so that makes me pretty dumb to add to my pain. I guess I want him to come home and be a family but with all the cards turned it does not look that way.

 

I have seen an attorney and our divorce is to be final this month. He is already behind on his support. It just hurts so bad to know he is happy with her while I have met no one since he has left, I am home raising his child he walked out on.

 

What can I do to make it better?

[SoleMate]

You're not dumb here - if anyone is, it is him. He should have thought long and hard before conceiving a child whether he was willing and able to stay married to its mother. I totally understand the feelings that brought you back into physical relations (however risky). Just don't let it happen again!

 

I doubt if he will be happy with her in the long term. He doesn't sound like someone with a lot of relationship skills at this point. Your pain is pretty fresh - you WILL find someone new, I am quite sure of it. Your future r/s will doubtless be the better for you having waited (even involuntarily) until the rawness of betrayal has been rubbed off. While you're rearing YOUR child, you may want to browse around at http://www.marriagebuilders.com. They have great material on building a lasting marriage. When you find a new man who you're considering a long term future with, ask him to check it out.

 

As far as the support being behind - gosh, I wish I could say I am surprised! I recommend that you have your lawyer get on this ASAP with some serious enforcement - court orders, garnisheeing, etc. - whatever it takes to make sure your son has some financial security.

 

As far as short term goes, you definitely need to get out of the house and enjoy some companionship with adults. Do you have a friend or neighbor who you could trade off babysitting with?

[kwk0821]

No I do not really have any one to keep him. My mom will every now and then but she will tell me she has already raised her children. So it is kind of hard. I have the ex making comments to Kolby (not that he understands) that I love beer and bars more than I love him. I have only been out at the most 5-6 times when I have him. And when I go I make sure he is taking care of. Now when it is his weekend with Kolby yes I go out and yes I will drink, what is it to him-he is the one that lives with the girl.

 

The ex has just started to spend the whole weekend with Kolby when he has him. He would usually leave Kolby with his mom, and go be with the more important child.