Cheat on GF with her best friend…

[sorryisnotenough]

Please, start your responses with an insult. Constructive? No, but well deserved.

 

I met my GF in high school. We were friends for a few years prior, and started dating towards the end. We both just realized we did everything together, and pretty well just transitioned into a relationship without really knowing. We both then went to the same undergraduate university, where we were extremely happy. In our last two years, we lived together. Not once had I any doubt of how happy I was, or that I wanted to be with any other woman.

 

Following my graduation from my undergraduate school, we then began the biggest obstacle of our relation (well, until now at least). I left to continue graduate work, starting our long distance relationship (LDR) after living together. Everyone always talks about how LDR's are so hard, which for many is true. A few of the couples we hung out with in our undergrad broke up within the first few months of their LDR. We were different though. We made it work: we talked everyday, texting each other throughout, planned Skype dates, etc. We planned trips for when I would come home, which made things even easier: having a date set for when we would see each other next makes time go faster. We have been at this for a year now. Obviously, after living with her, being away was very lonesome. Did I cheat while away? Not once. Did not even cross my mind.

 

Here is when I hung myself. On a trip home to visit her, a couple weeks long, we were happy as ever. One evening, we went to a party together, her best friends birthday party. One of the best parties I had been at in a while. The usual: sociables, loud music, catching up with old friends. The only unfortunate part was that my alcohol tolerance was much lower than my undergraduate because I drink much less than I did during my undergrad. To make matters worse, I also thought I'd get high with this guy I never met. I rarely smoke weed (once a year max, usually), so my tolerance is even lower. Getting more to the point, after being a quart deep and mixed that with weed, I pretty well blacked out, with intermittent memory flashes.

 

You are probably wondering where I am going with this, and why all this background. The reason being is that we have a long-term relationship with each other, not one of these "this is the love of my life, we have been together for 4 months". This also isn't one of those stories where I claim it was all because of the alcohol.

 

Later that night, most people had cleared out. Remaining was only me, my GF and her best friend (BF). Her BF, like me, had too much and was hugging a toilet bowel. Me and my GF sat on the bathroom floor with her, giving her the usual "you'll feel better tomorrow, just let it out" moral support. This is where everything began. Pretty well in front of my GF I began to get touchy feel, with both of them. We eventually made it to her bedroom, where we all got in the same bed. Apparently, at this point, I tried to initiate a threesome. I continued to be touchy feely with both of them, where at this point, my GF got pissed off and left the room to sleep on the couch. Can you guess what's coming next? Of course. My southern head took over, and I slept with her best friend. I cheated on my GF with her BF, while my GF was in the house. And I thought I was a good guy.

I woke up later that night, back to some senses, and went and joined my GF on the couch. The next morning, my GF was in a weird mood. I could tell she was upset, but I figured I'd wait until later to discuss anything with her. I had no idea if she had known what happened. Upon a lot of crying, I found out later she was really upset because she had seen me flirting, holding hands, etc with her BF. She was super upset from what she knew…she didn't know I slept with her BF. At this point, seeing how upset she was about just minor betrayal compared to what actually happened, I'm stuck to what I should do. Let me explain some more variables:

 

1)Her BF (mind you BF for >15 years, friends for almost a decade before meeting me) told my GF she does not remember anything from that night. I have not talked to her yet about it (it happened 2 nights ago). I do not know if she REALLY doesn't remember, or is saying that to cover her behind.

 

2)Me and my GF have a lot of open conversations. One that we had a long time ago, ironically, was about cheating. Her thoughts, she told me, were that she wouldn't want to know. More around the lines of, "if you truly and sincerely made a mistake, and you do not LOVE HER, she didn't want to know", because it would just hurt too much.

 

3) Our relationship has been so successful because of our honesty with one another.

 

So here is where I am at. My GF is heartbroken from what she knows happened that night. If she were to find out the full story she'd be crushed. She'd lose her BF of >15 years, and her boyfriend of 5 years. I'm torn. I feel if this were any other girl than her BF, I'd tell her. I just don't think she can handle the betrayal of the people she trusts most.

 

We've been working through the known issues over the last few days. We have talked about it a lot, and I have been showing her how deeply sorry I am. I have slipped into one of my deepest states of depression ever. I cannot eat, sleep, think. The whole works. I am not seeking sympathy. My actions caused this. Tough luck. Her pain, resulting from my actions, unacceptable. It is not fair to keep this from her. However, is it fair to tell her and completely turn her life upside down?

 

She did say she would not want me to tell her if I truly made a mistake. Beyond a doubt this a mistake, that will never happen again (I know this story doesn't illustrate any emotion of that kind, because I don't need to tell other people how sorry I am. If I tried to convince you, would you believe it anyways?). However, I do feel "don't tell me" is more or less what every girl would say. I believe trust and communication is more important. Again, the success of our relationship has been founded on strong trust and communication. This, however, I feel should not be told, because the consequences do not only effect me.

 

As you are probably thinking, this is probably one of the most ***k'd up cheating stories ever. The only thing I need advice on is, should I tell her or not. This is not about "maning up". This is about what is best for her. I want to sit down with her BF and talk about it, but what do you all think?

[skydiveaddict]

Please, start your responses with an insult. Constructive? No, but well deserved.

 

 

 

Nice going ace.

[freetolove]

Don't tell her, just forget about it. Telling her won't build trust, it'll just **** it more. Believe me. You guys already came up with a solution. Follow it. Don't try to "fix" it.

[mutualove]

Don't tell her, just forget about it. Telling her won't build trust, it'll just **** it more. Believe me. You guys already came up with a solution. Follow it. Don't try to "fix" it.

 

You forgot the "ride into the sunset together" part.

[Toddbt12y1]

Yes, you should tell her. Everyone has a right to know whether they have been cheated on, and be able to make a decision for themselves. Not be locked down to deceit.

 

Nothing, no good comes of it.

[ExpatInItaly]

You need a big time-out from this relationship. Regardless of what your GF does or doesn't know, you've deeply betrayed her. You need to seriously question how that could happen and why with her best friend, of all people.

 

In this case, I do believe you should tell her. This could one day come out (for example, if her best friend does indeed remember and slips by telling someone else) and can you imagine how devastated she'll feel then? She deserves to know that the people she likely trusts most are not trustworthy. Let her decide the course of action from there.

[sorryisnotenough]

@foofoobunny I'm really glad you spend your effort looking at the situation from one side. This post, as you should have noted, was not about me. Rather, the focus was about her. Insult me all you want, I can guarantee your insults will not cut nearly as deep as the pain I've brought upon myself. Obviously I have some serious personal issues I am unaware of to stoop to this low. This is likely because she is the only woman I have only been with, and haven't had a chance to figure myself out. Excuse to cheat? Absolutely not.

 

The best suggestion I have actually heard today, beside the pathetic "aid" from yourself and your new found friend whom you agree with, is that a time-out is necessary. This is definitely a minimum requirement. I don't deserve her. What I really want to know is should I break it off without telling her, so she can still have her BF?

 

BTW, "not relationship material" as advice makes me wonder what you have suffered. You are acting like only the scum of the earth cheat. Yes, some do without care, and deserve this title. Does that apply to EVERY PERSON TO EVER CHEAT? Would I even be seeking advice if I was heartless? I obviously care enough to be trying to do the right thing. You, yourself, obviously have some personal issues, so I'd appreciate if you would try and leave your bias opinions away from others. "A woman's opinion" is not "your opinion". You are entitled to an opinion, and you happen to be a woman, but that does not represent every woman.

 

Also, you act as if I have the same opinion as every other guy, that if my GF cheated on me with my BF she's "the DEVIL". No biggie that I cheated? I should have labeled this thread as that obviously. That is why I am seeking advice, after all isn't it?

Edited December 24, 2013 by sorryisnotenough
additional point

[Toddbt12y1]

You should tell her, and tell her that it was her bestfriend. So she can make a choice, to eliminate that friend. Giving her the option of a choice, is both respectable, and something she deserves to know(probably knows anyway). Will she be extra hurt? Yes. But, she will get over it. This is far better to keeping a bestfriend, who slept with her lover. This makes her not so great a friend.

[Clay]

Well you did some serious damage. Now do you minimize it or deal with it.

 

I suggest you deal with it head on have give your GF respect. Tell her what you did. Own it like a man. Tell her your sorry and you would understand if she never wants to see you again. Give her space to deal with this. Stay completley away from her friend. Do not call her don't go near her in any way shape or form.

 

If you see her run in the opposite direction.

 

If you end up being single then take some serious time out for you and get some counseling. You made a horrible decision and now you have to deal with why you did that.

 

 

Clay

[ThatMan]

Oh please...

Stop being so melodramatic. Being the victim with a bleeding heart isn't going to fix anything. I'm sure that you and your girlfriend have differences. But you are the one who behaved in ways that are incredibly hurtful. Don't you ever forget that. If you cannot be in a relationship without ruthlessly hurting people in such a significant way, then maybe you aren't relationship material. It shouldn't be a surprise for you. But that's okay. How you are today is absolutely something that can be changed, especially if there's something about your behavior that you do not like.

 

You cannot control the emotions of other people. Your girlfriend may feel all manner of pain and she has every right to do so. You cheated on her. Of course she'll feel like you've trampled all over her self-worth and her heart. But she needs to create a decision that's good for her and her own happiness. She has to be told what you've done so that she can look after herself and decide what she wants. You need to tell her that you've cheated. If you truly care as much as you claim to, you'll tell her about this affair, today.

[carelessdrifter]

Double standards men enforce on this site are sickening.

 

 

Genders reversed, all these men responding to you would not be giving you so much sympathy.

 

so true, exhibit A: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/443501-i-can-t-tell-if-i-m-cheating-my-bf-not

[fixing]

Yes you should tell her. You have committed the ultimate sin in a relationship. She needs to know the truth.

 

Cheating is disgusting, cowardly, dirty and pathetic.

 

She has the absolute right to know.

[samsungxoxo]

Double standards men enforce on this site are sickening.

 

 

Genders reversed, all these men responding to you would not be giving you so much sympathy. Go read some of the threads where women cheat...

 

 

 

 

and yes, someone who f***s their gf's best friend is not relationship material. Men say the same thing about women who do what YOU did and I don't believe in double standards where men get off easy. I actually do think guys who do what you did are scum- but that's my opnion. Doesn't make me a bad person, if a girl screwed her bf's best friend guys would be saying she isn't relationship material.

True, generally they're more lenient when it's a male cheater unless it's horrible such as this post on:

Is it alpha to cheat on a gf if you're good looking and have options? - Bodybuilding.com Forums

 

Ironically, that member didn't get too much sympathy. He is clearly admitting to cheating on his gf because he can and asking if that's alpha.

 

I have no preferences for cheaters. I think anyone that cheats (male or female) while knowing clearly that their betrayal will devastate their SO is low and isn't relationship material.

Edited December 29, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[Toddbt12y1]

Last I checked, I wasn't being lenient on him. So, to imply that 'all males', is a rather foolish thing to imply. I told him to the truth. As I would any female or any other male. I find it sickening to see people coalesce all into one group, as if I'd support a cheater. Do you want me to cuss him out? Perhaps tell him that he is worthless, and nasty? Lol...oh yeah....infraction incoming.

 

I'm going to let you both know a secret. If there were no infractions...I'd be much more harsher on these people. Gender aside, it sickens me.

 

But...too bad, huh? Unless someone can link me what I said, that was all cushioned and padded up, that's just too bad. I told him the truth. To tell his g/f and let her make the decision. That, mind you, was whom I was thinking about: His g/f, not him.

 

Pity.

[Lei Ping]

OP,

 

 

Lamenting the act is a useless endeavor. It happened because it was destined to happen.

 

 

What you should be lamenting is your failure to orchestrate a threesome under the circumstance.

 

 

Yet another missed opportunity.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

Many here are right, she deserves to know what you and her so-called bestfriend did. Whether or not you decide to tell her is on you, but no matter what you decide, you need to realize that when you tell her...this relationship is over. She has a long history with both you and the bestfriend and besides her immediate family, you two are the ones who are supposed to love and protect her the most. She will never be able to swallow this betrayal. She may one day forgive you both, but she will never forget. And even if she tries to make this work with you and the friend, it will always eat away at her until she begins to resent and despise you.

 

In the end, the decision is yours. You can either live with the guilt of what you did and never tell her, though I think that eventually she will find out. If not from you, perhaps the friend. Or you can be a man, tell her what you did, endure the sh*t storm that will follow, and then prepare to move on without her in your life. That's just how it works in the real world when you piss on people you're supposed to love. Sorry kid.