Am I hardwired to be single forever because of my high standards?

[sonn484]

Okay to begin with I am a 25 year old guy (Single) and my life has been going on well however I would like to ask a few thoughts that are in my head.

 

 

 

 

 

I would go on to write a few of the standards that I have for my dream girl. They are as follows:-

 

PHYSICAL BEAUTY(OUTER) HER APPEARANCE

 

1. Beautiful(overall)[iMPORTANT]

 

2. Attractive,soft, delicate features (Hairstyle and overall)

 

3. Skincolour: Preferably fair(Colour Flexible but notblack(dark))

 

4. Height:Nothingparticular but not too tall

 

5. **********Hairstyle:Well maintained very short, BOY CUT(Any BOY CUT hairstyle)[AMUST][APPEAL]

 

6. Physique:Thin(not skinny) is fine but physically fit is preferable (MUST)

 

7. Skin:Glowing clear skin but nothing in particular as such

 

 

After reading the above one might think that I am expecting a perfect girl in my life, no I am not as I know that perfect girls don’t exist but there exists an girl that would be perfect for me and I alsoknow that everyone has flaws and so do I and flaws are acceptable but not at the cost of my standards for my dream girl and I don’t think my standards are unreasonable or unrealistic by any means (correct me if I am wrong)but at the same time I also know that both outside and personality is very difficult to get in one person some compromise has to be made somewhere

 

 

 

Hence considering the entire subject the only way LOVE is possible for me and which seems logical to me is that I have high standards (physical and inner) for a girl and a image of herin my head so in this case it should be that she not only matches up to all my standards perfectly but she herself either should not have high standards like me or no particular standards as such and on top of it she only wants me completely however I am

 

 

Now after having read my thread these questions come to mind and they had always been there. The questions are asfollows:-

 

1. I somehow believe that nogirl would love me for who I am and would constantly want to change me (I may be wrong but my instincts tell me that) am I wrong to think that the fact thatI have those principles and values will rather make the want to change/questionor challenge them which would result being in a war-zone all the time?also will she love me despite knowing my flaws?

 

 

2. I’m not that bold,confident, outgoing type of guy who likes to pursue girls I’m rather exactly the opposite that is a reserved, passive and a person who is self absorbed and content within himself do you think a girl can love a guy like me?

 

 

 

Thereare many more but these are the important and relevant ones

Iknow that this is really a long post and I sorry about that.

 

I would be glad if there is anyone, anybody who has taken the effort and pain to read and has understood what I’ve written and can tell me anything that can help me clear my mind about “LOVE” but please don’t be judgemental about me and any views/opinions/ideas are welcomeand are respected so please feel free to give in your inputs

 

Thanks

Edited January 29, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

I think you are going to get tripped up on the marriage one. Anybody I have ever heard of who has the character traits you seek is all about marriage & kids.

 

 

FWIW, be a little flexible on the hair style one. Just because she didn't have the ideal (for you) but when you met her, doesn't mean she won't get it for you. That one's pretty easy.

[Mascara]

Yes, I think you're going to struggle to find anyone that fits all of that.

 

I also think you demonstrate an immaturity about what love and relationships are. That's not an insult, we all have to be immature in order to become mature. But there's a definite naïveté about how you think you will react and behave that you might want to revisit and amend as you get older.

[Jcksparr0w]

This is all stuff that doesn't matter .............

 

PHYSICAL BEAUTY(OUTER) HER APPEARANCE

 

1. Beautiful(overall)[iMPORTANT]

 

2. Attractive,soft, delicate features (Hairstyle and overall)

 

3. Skincolour: Preferably fair(Colour Flexible but notblack(dark))

 

4. Height:Nothingparticular but not too tall

 

5. **********Hairstyle:Well maintained very short, BOY CUT(Any BOY CUT hairstyle)[AMUST][APPEAL]

 

6. Physique:Thin(not skinny) is fine but physically fit is preferable (MUST)

 

7. Skin:Glowing clear skin but nothing in particular as such

[salparadise]

I agree about the naiveté. Your list of specifications sounds like something you'd take to the dealership when you're ready to order a new car, believing that acquiring the perfect car will make you perfectly happy.

 

People are complex. Relationships, compatibility and attraction are complex, elusive and sometimes transient. You'll be so much more likely to find love if you throw away the specification sheet and focus on preparing yourself to give and receive love in whatever form grace presents it to you. Understand the difference between values and preferences, and hold tight to values while being negotiable on preferences. Learn to appreciate the beautiful in people's souls and the physical part will take care of itself.

[ponchsox]

There is much more to a relationship beyond your "must have" lists. I have learned to set a few items that are non negotiable and then proceed in the relationship. You may find out much later there are deal breakers or you could be pleasantly surprised. You are setting a list that is beyond reasonable expectation.

[WrinkledForehead]

I recommend you woo yourself in a bubble bath while reading romantic poetry.

[sonn484]

I think you are going to get tripped up on the marriage one. Anybody I have ever heard of who has the character traits you seek is all about marriage & kids.

 

 

FWIW, be a little flexible on the hair style one. Just because she didn't have the ideal (for you) but when you met her, doesn't mean she won't get it for you. That one's pretty easy.

 

 

First of all I would like to thank you for your effort for reading my thread and I really respect your opinion on it.No offence but I would like to ask a question regarding hairstyle I took your point but don't you think that it is always better if she by herself(her natural thinking) likes to have short "BOY CUT" hair and she does it out of her own will rather then her trying to change or get a haircut just because I like it or to make me happy, sure! nothing wrong in doing so but how long will she continue doing it and don't you think it would be some sort of an emotional pressure on her and I would feel guilty because of that though she may not show it. I hope you got my point

[sonn484]

Yes, I think you're going to struggle to find anyone that fits all of that.

 

I also think you demonstrate an immaturity about what love and relationships are. That's not an insult, we all have to be immature in order to become mature. But there's a definite naïveté about how you think you will react and behave that you might want to revisit and amend as you get older.

 

May be you're right because I have high standards for my dream girl

 

No offence taken however you said that I demonstrate an immaturity about what love and relationships are I don't think so but yes I agree they are rather too good to be true but immature I don't think so but I respect your view

[sonn484]

I agree about the naiveté. Your list of specifications sounds like something you'd take to the dealership when you're ready to order a new car, believing that acquiring the perfect car will make you perfectly happy.

 

People are complex. Relationships, compatibility and attraction are complex, elusive and sometimes transient. You'll be so much more likely to find love if you throw away the specification sheet and focus on preparing yourself to give and receive love in whatever form grace presents it to you. Understand the difference between values and preferences, and hold tight to values while being negotiable on preferences. Learn to appreciate the beautiful in people's souls and the physical part will take care of itself.

 

Your view is appreciated.

 

Fair enough! point taken you're right relationships and people are complex and so far I have zero experience as far as relationships are concerned but then throwing away from specification sheet is like letting go of my standards and that would be like compromising on myself and my happiness let's just say(hypothetical situation) that in future I go by as you said I let go of my standards and I found a girl who is wonderful but what if I can't love her or show her my love the way in which she would love me and hence in the "LONG-RUN" happiness on both sides mine and the girl will suffer(she will be unhappy) which I don't want because I'm not so bad as a person

 

Moreover as I mentioned in my thread every wonderful girl may not be the girl of my standards but the dream girl mentioned in my standards will certainly be a wonderful girl

[MissBee]

High standards won't leave you single.

 

Unreasonable ones will.

 

Some people act like high is automatically unreasonable, when in fact that is not true.

 

You should have HIGH standards for yourself in terms of who you're gonna invest in emotionally, sexually etc. but not ones that are in fact unreasonable and probably counterproductive, as that will lead you to never finding anyone.

 

For me: my list includes my absolute NEEDS, things I cannot negotiate on that must be there for me to feel comfortable and happy. Then my ABSOLUTE NOs...things which I cannot tolerate at all. Then my want list is longer and more negotiable. In dating I pay attention to the first two most of all. If you have all the things I need or many....yes. If you have even one of my non-negotiables it's a no.

[sonn484]

High standards won't leave you single.

 

Unreasonable ones will.

 

Some people act like high is automatically unreasonable, when in fact that is not true.

 

You should have HIGH standards for yourself in terms of who you're gonna invest in emotionally, sexually etc. but not ones that are in fact unreasonable and probably counterproductive, as that will lead you to never finding anyone.

 

For me: my list includes my absolute NEEDS, things I cannot negotiate on that must be there for me to feel comfortable and happy. Then my ABSOLUTE NOs...things which I cannot tolerate at all. Then my want list is longer and more negotiable. In dating I pay attention to the first two most of all. If you have all the things I need or many....yes. If you have even one of my non-negotiables it's a no.

 

 

Thanks for reading my thread and you're right! unreasonable not high standards leaves you single

 

In my case I accept that my standards are rather high and the wants for the girl are very tight on top it my nature(reserved, strong silent type) makes it even harder but they aren't unrealistic by any means and my inner standards for a girl are based only on core values(like loyal,faithful,truthful,supportive,trustworthy)etc and not just anything but sometimes being too good also leaves you with nothing

 

Now would you believe if I said that I had 50 inner standards for my girl but later I refined to most needed 32 and they are still high.

[Mascara]

To clarify, my comments weren't in response to what you're looking for. That's your call. They were about what you believe is the nature of love. Things like you will "never leave" and you believe you will only have one relationship. It reads like the things a dreamy 12 year old girl thinks is True Love.

 

It doesn't really matter why you believe those things, so you don't need to go into further detail for my benefit.

 

But good luck in your search. I'm fairly confident you'll revisit this post in 10 years and revise most of it.

[HokeyReligions]

After navigating this missive, in which you contradict yourself, to answer your thread title: Yes. If you hold this as your own manifesto you are 'hardwiring' yourself to remain single. Or setting yourself to be a serial killer.

 

You need to relax and stop trying to script your whole life breath-by-breath. It doesn't work.

[MissBee]

Thanks for reading my thread and you're right! unreasonable not high standards leaves you single

 

In my case I accept that my standards are rather high and the wants for the girl are very tight on top it my nature(reserved, strong silent type) makes it even harder but they aren't unrealistic by any means and my inner standards for a girl are based only on core values(like loyal,faithful,truthful,supportive,trustworthy)etc and not just anything but sometimes being too good also leaves you with nothing

 

Now would you believe if I said that I had 50 inner standards for my girl but later I refined to most needed 32 and they are still high.

 

To be honest, I didn't really read all your requirements.

 

Reading them I do think some stuff you have are wants and not needs and I'm not sure of where your priorities lay in terms of them. Like how exactly spelled out you want this person to look...sometimes it doesn't work that way and hopefully you prioritize other things above that.

 

I have lots of wants and preferences but looks are more negotiable. I need to be attracted to him period...but that doesn't only come in one type of look and I'd rather prioritize core qualities first and be more open in terms of appearances.

[lollipopspot]

You use the word "god" a couple times in your post. If you are religious, I think you would have the best chance of finding the type of woman you want in church.

 

I think a lot of females do not wear short hair, thinking that it makes them look more masculine. Or if they like it, they don't want it for life - a lot of females like to change their hair up throughout the years. A woman might be willing to wear a short hair style, if it's really important to you. So I wouldn't make that a condition upon first meeting someone, unless it's really crucial to you. I think there are too many details on your list.

 

Further, parts of your personality, and your writing style - the precision and obsessive quality...

 

...I surely never will it’s not in my blood nor in mygenes(DNA)...

 

17.I’m definitely not those type of guyswho would pull out disappearing act

(I don’t believe in disappearing acts I am not one of those guys and will never do so)

 

makes me wonder if you might have some form of autism like Aspergers? Has anyone ever said that to you?

[sonn484]

You use the word "god" a couple times in your post. If you are religious, I think you would have the best chance of finding the type of woman you want in church.

 

I think a lot of females do not wear short hair, thinking that it makes them look more masculine. Or if they like it, they don't want it for life - a lot of females like to change their hair up throughout the years. A woman might be willing to wear a short hair style, if it's really important to you. So I wouldn't make that a condition upon first meeting someone, unless it's really crucial to you. I think there are too many details on your list.

 

Further, parts of your personality, and your writing style - the precision and obsessive quality...

 

 

 

makes me wonder if you might have some form of autism like Aspergers? Has anyone ever said that to you?

 

 

Thanks for your views

 

I would like to clarify your points

 

First of all I would like to tell you that It's true that I believe in "GOD"(I pray once a day at home) but I am not a religious person as such and secondly what do you mean by finding my type of woman in a "church" even if such a woman let say(as per your thinking) is there in a church I wouldn't want her and definitely I don't want a religious woman either(she may or may not believe in "GOD")that's it and moreover it is not even a part of my standards

 

The second part of your statement says about short hair your right! for me it's a must that the girl must by "herself" likes to have short hair(BOY CUT) and not because I like it or because there is some sort of emotional pressure on her and then that would seem that she has to have "BOY CUT " hair because I like it and in that process she may not be happy doing so and then again you said "A woman might be willing to wear a short hair style, if it's really important to you" now I don't understand what do you mean by "willing" so are you trying to say irrespective to whether she likes it not she but will have to keep it for my sake again'st her will!No that would be putting pressure on her and it will be cruel(emotionally)on her and I certainly don't want that and who knows she might get upset or fight about it one day and I don't want that either

 

Lastly it's true that hairstyle(boy cut )is a part of my standards and its true that not many girl's have that hairstyle but some of them do I think modern girls do and yes it is crucial to me and i can't let go of that standard and one thing I'll tell you whether you'll accept it or not "BEAUTY IS IN THE EYES OF THE BEHOLDER" and in my eyes girls who have that hairstyle are extremely appealing to me it's just that way and for me it makes them attractive and attraction is certainly a part of "LOVE"(no matter how long the relationship lasts) now I don't want to be in love with a girl who is not attractive

 

Last but not least I am not a shallow person who tries to base "LOVE" entirely on looks yes it's true I want looks but I also want inner beauty or her personality to be either equally good or better than her outer appearance then only I can truly love her. Hence either I want both(inner and outer equally) or I want nothing, true some compromise can be made over time but by and large they will remain the same and that's exactly what my thread was.

 

you said that it "makes me wonder if you might have some form of autism like Aspergers"

 

I don't know why you say that but as far as precision and writing style is concerned as a person always I was like that and I like to be precise in what I do and no one has ever said anything about that to me

 

Sorry for the long reply

Edited December 25, 2013 by sonn484

[lollipopspot]

The second part of your statement says about short hair your right! for me it's a must that the girl must by "herself" likes to have short hair(BOY CUT) and not because I like it or because there is some sort of emotional pressure on her and then that would seem that she has to have "BOY CUT " hair because I like it and in that process she may not be happy doing so and then again you said "A woman might be willing to wear a short hair style, if it's really important to you" now I don't understand what do you mean by "willing" so are you trying to say irrespective to whether she likes it not she but will have to keep it for my sake!No that would be putting pressure on her and it will be cruel(emotionally)on her and I certainly don't want that and who knows she might get upset or fight about it one day and I don't want that either

 

It's more or less important to some women whether they have short or long hair, depending on the person. For some women it might be a relief to be with a guy who says he prefers short hair and she might happily cut it. It can be harder to take care of longer hair, but some women have it because that's what's seen as most socially desirable for women. If she feels she looks better with longer hair, she probably won't want to cut it. But that's not a given. You could also be with someone with short hair - and you think you've got it made - but then she wants to grow it out.

 

Here's where I think you're running into problems: If you really love someone, hair length just isn't a deal breaker. I think you are imagining how you will feel, but if you really liked someone in actuality, maybe it wouldn't matter so much.

 

I still think that you may have obsessive or autistic tendencies. No insult, but there's something peculiar about your posts and thought processes. It doesn't mean you're not functional, but maybe it would be helpful to talk to a professional counselor in person about what you originally posted about and see what they have to say.

Edited December 25, 2013 by lollipopspot

[salparadise]

I still think that you may have obsessive or autistic tendencies. No insult, but there's something peculiar about your posts and thought processes. It doesn't mean you're not functional, but maybe it would be helpful to talk to a professional counselor in person about what you originally posted about and see what they have to say.

 

Yea, there seems to be something askew. OP, how old are you? Is it possible that it's a maturity issue? The obsession with short hair is exactly that––obsession. You refer to these physical ideations as your standards, but that's not the correct word. Don't use semantics to obfuscate intention. On some level you realize this hairstyle stuff is not something that anyone else is going to take seriously, so you try to hoist it by calling it your standards. Nobody's buying.

 

In fact, it seems like that's the gist of the whole thread... let's fix that by giving it a more appropriate name: "Am I destined to be single forever because the object of my obsession is a fantasy?"

[sonn484]

It's more or less important to some women whether they have short or long hair, depending on the person. For some women it might be a relief to be with a guy who says he prefers short hair and she might happily cut it. It can be harder to take care of longer hair, but some women have it because that's what's seen as most socially desirable for women. If she feels she looks better with longer hair, she probably won't want to cut it. But that's not a given. You could also be with someone with short hair - and you think you've got it made - but then she wants to grow it out.

 

Here's where I think you're running into problems: If you really love someone, hair length just isn't a deal breaker. I think you are imagining how you will feel, but if you really liked someone in actuality, maybe it wouldn't matter so much.

 

I still think that you may have obsessive or autistic tendencies. No insult, but there's something peculiar about your posts and thought processes. It doesn't mean you're not functional, but maybe it would be helpful to talk to a professional counselor in person about what you originally posted about and see what they have to say.

 

Your reply as far as the first part is concerned is right and that's exactly the reason I don't want fights and arguments because of that

 

Now coming to the second part

If you really love someone, hair length just isn't a deal breaker. I think you are imagining how you will feel, but if you really liked someone in actuality, maybe it wouldn't matter so much.

 

I can't exactly understand what it is is that that you are trying to measure my liking for the girl based on her hairstyle? again I would say that's wrong it's not the case with me so say as per your thinking if I come across a girl who is beautiful on the outside and has the hairstyle that I like but personality wise she has ego, is rude, arrogant and all other qualities that you can think off but she is very attractive and beautiful on the outside(Boy cut hair included) you think I would like that girl or to the fact "LOVE" her, sorry the answer is no way in the world, I wouldn't even remotely like that girl she can keep her beauty and hairstyle to herself thank you very much! hence why only hairstyle I have made it clear that I am not a shallow person but at least to the fact that I am one of the guys who knows what he wants and I don't want to fool myself in to believing something I don't want to, I want to be honest about my myself and I am sure there are people who don't even know what they want in a relationship and they just leave everything to chance, so why only hairstyle my entire standards(outer and inner)are itself deal breakers then!

 

Coming to the third part you said

 

"I still think that you may have obsessive or autistic tendencies. No insult, but there's something peculiar about your posts and thought processes. It doesn't mean you're not functional, but maybe it would be helpful to talk to a professional counselor in person about what you originally posted about and see what they have to say"

 

Okay I am not offended but even after all that if you still think that I have something like that all right it's your view no problem with that but I would like to ask you a question what exactly does the word "OBSESSION" mean to you because what I believe is if you're obsessed by something you will certainly go after it and it would start life of other's around you but as long as your need and wants are restricted only inside your head "I don't think that would create any problem at all" or do you think having needs and wants itself are obsession? also I would like to make a general point(what I believe) there is nothing wrong in being obsessive about your standards but the problem only comes when you show it outside and seem desperate and "CRY AND WINE" about it which clearly I am doing so I am very confident about myself and my life also going on very well (25 years I have managed being "SINGLE" and I'm sure I can manage the rest of my life as well)so the word obsession you have used in my case don't seem to fit well but I'm not offended by it.I took your point

 

Now I going to come out of this hairstyle thing and I don't want to keep repeating same things over and over again!

[sonn484]

To clarify, my comments weren't in response to what you're looking for. That's your call. They were about what you believe is the nature of love. Things like you will "never leave" and you believe you will only have one relationship. It reads like the things a dreamy 12 year old girl thinks is True Love.

 

It doesn't really matter why you believe those things, so you don't need to go into further detail for my benefit.

 

But good luck in your search. I'm fairly confident you'll revisit this post in 10 years and revise most of it.

 

 

Yes you're right I might perhaps some day revisit them since they are my standards only I'm capable of changing or modifying them

[sonn484]

To be honest, I didn't really read all your requirements.

 

Reading them I do think some stuff you have are wants and not needs and I'm not sure of where your priorities lay in terms of them. Like how exactly spelled out you want this person to look...sometimes it doesn't work that way and hopefully you prioritize other things above that.

 

I have lots of wants and preferences but looks are more negotiable. I need to be attracted to him period...but that doesn't only come in one type of look and I'd rather prioritize core qualities first and be more open in terms of appearances.

 

 

Yes you're absolutely right about the fact that things sometimes don't work out the way you want them to I agree with that point and there are other things to prioritize.Good point

[sonn484]

your approach is worse than any other approach except for being a nice guy.

 

Are you saying that I'm a nice guy with a worst approach towards "LOVE" or are you saying that my attitude, thinking and approach towards"LOVE" are rather logical,intimidating, are "TOO GOOD", "IDEALISTIC", "CONSERVATIVE" and are not applicable in today's world

 

Either way I think you're right!

Edited December 26, 2013 by sonn484