BoatingBabe Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 Hi all, I am new to the board...but wanted to get some advice/opinions. I am single and am taking a break from relationships...had my problems with men, so I have not been looking. A couple of months ago, a married man I work with started "visiting" me at my office....He's goodlooking, smart, and a with a good position so I innocently flirted back...feeling he is safe since he is married, and I don't want a boyfriend..so what the hell, right? Well, as the weeks progressed, his visits became more frequent, he has started asking people I work with about me, I can already feel rumors start....being he is not too discreet about his visits....I now am starting to think about him more, which previously, was just a past time at work to have fun with....Yesterday he sent me an e-card basically saying he can't stop thinking about me. He has also what I thought to be "joking" about getting a divorce, which I give no credence to whatsoever at this point. It has been very platonic, he barely even knows me, but I can feel something starting and I want to make it stop without embarrassing him. I'd be interested if he weren't married, but since is not the case, and I have been down this road before....I think I will try ignoring him...but not sure if that will be enough? Any suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 Ignoring him will have him chasing you harder. Be honest with him. Say, I'm sorry if I led you on, but I don't want a boyfriend and I do not date married men. No other thing will discourage him except a very firm rejection. Anything less than that will be seen as him having a chance, no matter how remote. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 tell him you are flattered, but to go away. people at work are talking cause he is an idiot, and you are not going to have your rep trashed cause he gets a hard on when he visits your office. tell him to pay as much attenetion to his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 Ignoring him will not be enough. He might get it into his head that you are playing hard to get. If you really are serious about not getting involved with him, then you need to tell him flat out that you are not interested in being with a MM. If you don't tell him to back off and leave you alone then welcome to the OW board where you will write about your many frustrations, pain, and many tears. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BoatingBabe Posted January 5, 2005 Author Share Posted January 5, 2005 My secretary is always throwing the fact that he is married in his face...and he gets very frustrated....Everyone knows what his motives are I suppose, eventhough I was in denial..I once even mentioned his wife to him, to be clear I know the scoop and wouldn't be interested...the day after, he starts spewing crap about getting a divorce. When he emails me, I always throw in the fact that we are FRIENDS...yet, he sends me a romantic card. I get all the freakin winners, I tell ya... Link to post Share on other sites
Author BoatingBabe Posted January 5, 2005 Author Share Posted January 5, 2005 Originally posted by tattoomytoe tell him you are flattered, but to go away. people at work are talking cause he is an idiot, and you are not going to have your rep trashed cause he gets a hard on when he visits your office. tell him to pay as much attenetion to his wife. LOL He doesn't realize what a cold bitch I can be, but I kinda like him...or at least starting to....and it totally sucks...cause I need to stop it now before it grows. Link to post Share on other sites
immoralist Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 Tell him politely, but firmly, that his attention is making you uncomfortable. Insist that he cease all non-work connections. Otherwise, you'll be forced to take firmer, and more embarrassing (for him), measures to stop the unwanted attention. That will stop him dead in his "courting" tracks. Any measures short of a threatened sexual harassment complaint will, most likely, be unsuccessful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BoatingBabe Posted January 5, 2005 Author Share Posted January 5, 2005 Originally posted by immoralist Any measures short of a threatened sexual harassment complaint will, most likely, be unsuccessful. Omg...that is sad to think it would have resort to something like that.... It just amazes me that someone who is married with a beautiful wife (so I've heard) would act like such a school kid....and not pick up on my subtle hints to back off. Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia Ignoring him will have him chasing you harder. Be honest with him. Say, I'm sorry if I led you on, but I don't want a boyfriend and I do not date married men. No other thing will discourage him except a very firm rejection. Anything less than that will be seen as him having a chance, no matter how remote. DITTO DITTO DITTO please read some of the heartbreaking stories here about OM/OW relationships...... If you are deveopling feelings for this man....make sure you know the consequences.....none of them are nice......nothing but hurt and pain. I suggest you make a firm stance that you are not interested in being the other woman.....its your best bet...cuase nothing good will come of this When you are ready for a relationship.....then find a man who is NOT married. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 Hi BoatingBabe, Since this is someone you work with and will perhaps have to continue interacting with professionally, the key is to be firm and clear without insulting him or going overboard with threats. If immoralist is right and nothing short of the threat of a sexual harassment suit will stop the guy, so be it. But I think there's an intermediate step you could take. Tell him that you enjoyed flirting with him when it seemed to be harmless, meaningless fun. Now that it seems that you and he misunderstood each others' intentions, the flirting must stop because a) it's inappropriate, and b) you no longer enjoy it. Tell him there are no hard feelings on your side, that you know it was an innocent misunderstanding, but that going forward you wish to only interact with him in a civil manner and on a professional basis. You don't need to tell him that you're not looking for a boyfriend. You don't need to tell him that you don't approve of his behavior, or that if he weren't married you'd consider seeing him. The more detailed your explanations, the more openings you give him -- in his mind, at least -- to convince you to change your mind. You know, you just think you don't want a boyfriend/he's on the verge of getting a divorce/etc. Let him know that you know the two of you weren't flirting for the same reasons, and that therefore the game is over. End of story. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author BoatingBabe Posted January 5, 2005 Author Share Posted January 5, 2005 Thanks everyone...I have read some of these stories...and it certainly brings me down to earth. If he were to get a divorce, I probably would date him....but until that happens...I will need to keep reading here so I can keep it real. Link to post Share on other sites
immoralist Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 I agree with midori: if there's a graceful (ie, intermediate)way to stop this incipient affair without invoking sexual harassment complaint procedures, go for it. That complaint remedy should be threatened or used only when he persists in lavishing unwanted attention upon you despite your best efforts in telling him to stop. Still, he's already blurring boundaries-- joking about obtaining a divorce is particularly tacky. And since he's already in the romantically obsessive ideation phase (or so he tells you) it might be difficult to convince him to keep it zipped through civilized discussion. For our MM, the affair momentum has begun. Good luck heading off this married Lothario at the pass. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 Originally posted by BoatingBabe Thanks everyone...I have read some of these stories...and it certainly brings me down to earth. If he were to get a divorce, I probably would date him....but until that happens...I will need to keep reading here so I can keep it real. well never mention that to anyone!!! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 I think I will try ignoring him...but not sure if that will be enough? Any suggestions? Tell him you are not interested in him, be open and honest about it. Do not play a game on this one because he will play you back. If you ignore him, he will think you are playing 'hard to get' and come after you more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BoatingBabe Posted January 6, 2005 Author Share Posted January 6, 2005 Well, today he approached me and asked If I got his card..and I said yes, and then continued my conversation with another coworker.....He then confronted my secretary when she was on her way to lunch to find out what my reaction was...she played dumb, as if she didn't see it...He didn't buy it..but he was desperate in finding out what my response was....Luckily she played it cool and told him I didn't mention a thing. Before he left he came by my office and I wasnt there, but ran into him on his way out..I simply smiled and said nothing again...and he pinched me! then said he was leaving and good bye... Something tells me this is not going to be easy... Link to post Share on other sites
mourningMM Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 There is no way to hide sexual attraction. If you are attracted, a man knows it. I think they can smell it. But if you clearly state, in no uncertain terms, that even though you are mildly physically attracted, you are emotionally, intellectually and morally repelled by his willingness to break a vow. That when you think about his attraction to you it makes you feel a bit slimey because it make him look really sleezy. (Don't use dirty...some idiot men think of that as a turn-on). Explain that when you see the attention he is giving you, all you can do is think about his wife. And ask if he has children. If he does, say the thought of childrens tears turns your stomache. Let him know that if he has a problem in his marriage you arent' the answer. And if he doesn't have a problem, and just has no self control, that he shouldn't insult you by the thought that you would be willing to share a man in any way with another woman. Be a bitch if you need to. But get out before you can't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BoatingBabe Posted January 6, 2005 Author Share Posted January 6, 2005 Thanks MourninMM, I feel quite repelled by this actually . In the beginning, when it was innocent flirtation it was fun...but now that I see he is becoming more serious about pursuing this...it kinda freaks me out and is not fun anymore....Right now he is confused because I did not respond to him, if I liked him, I clearly would have "bitten" the hook. Perhaps he'll reflect on the fact that I am doing nothing as a sign that it makes me uncomfortable. At least, that is what I am hoping. Link to post Share on other sites
mourningMM Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 Is it possible that he'd heard you are open to affairs with MM? If he thinks that is the case, it might be really really hard to get him to stop. I don't think that just ignoring would be enough in that case. I think you would need to speak your feelings clearly and slowly. Because if he has already started having fantasies of you and him, he might not even be listening to what you say. Men have the ability to just watch a woman's mouth and imagine it moving somewhere else. Go figure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BoatingBabe Posted January 6, 2005 Author Share Posted January 6, 2005 Originally posted by mourningMM Is it possible that he'd heard you are open to affairs with MM? If he thinks that is the case, it might be really really hard to get him to stop. I don't see how, I have not been involved in an office romance in the 3 years I've been with...Could be that he is also attracted at my success...I'm one of the few here in an authorative role...Perhaps that turns him on...who knows... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 Before he left he came by my office and I wasnt there, but ran into him on his way out..I simply smiled and said nothing again...and he pinched me! then said he was leaving and good bye... Something tells me this is not going to be easy... OK various ways you can handle this. Tell him to backoff and leave you alone, that you are not interested in him. He is ruining your repuation at work as he is following you around like a puppy dog in heat. Or... Get real pissed at him and tell him if he touches or pinches you again,you're gonna sue him for sexual harrassement!! LOL that WILL make him leave you alone and probably kill of that sexual tension. Good luck!! Link to post Share on other sites
immoralist Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 Our MM is spinning out of control. He wants you. You have two choices: Do nothing and have him continue to drool all over you or tell him to fu#k off, and warn him that the next time he bothers you you'll make that sexual harassment complaint. Trust me: He loves his career more than he loves you. He'll stop the games. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 and not pick up on my subtle hints to back off. Some men are not at all good at 'subtle'. There's a guy at work who's been hitting on me for a while. I have made it quite clear that he's married and therefore out of bounds. We are both often in the break room with the others who frequent the place, and when the jokes permit (he'll joke about wanting to have a fling) I'll interject a crack about him being married. It ends up being funny but others are quite clear that I'm not interested, in case any of them thought I might be. Tell him that he must stop immediately. Do not say you are, were, or would ever be attracted. Follow Midori's advice and shut him down. He may redouble his efforts - like this dude at my office, some of these men think they are irresistable and they only have to try harder to win you. Just keep shutting him down politely but firmly. Link to post Share on other sites
mourningMM Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 Somehow I can't believe I've forgotten the most potent way to end a half-baked dream of a rutting MM. Simply decide to have a Tupperware party and tell him that you plan to invite his wife. Not many men can continue to fantasize about a woman once they've gotten a picture of their wife sitting next to her burping plasticware! Link to post Share on other sites
Author BoatingBabe Posted January 6, 2005 Author Share Posted January 6, 2005 Originally posted by immoralist Our MM is spinning out of control. He wants you. You have two choices: Do nothing and have him continue to drool all over you or tell him to fu#k off, and warn him that the next time he bothers you you'll make that sexual harassment complaint. Trust me: He loves his career more than he loves you. He'll stop the games. What if they are not games though? What if he really is considering a divorce? I don't want to be naive, but he constantly talks bad about his wife, he gets mad and frustrated when someone brings her up when he is trying to talk to me, he is married 7 years with no kids...perhaps there really are problems in his marriage, and he wants to see if someone else will like him before he leaves her? Again, I plan on doing NOTHING with him as long as I see a wedding band on his finger...and a homewrecker, I do not aim to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 Originally posted by BoatingBabe What if they are not games though? What if he really is considering a divorce? I don't want to be naive, but he constantly talks bad about his wife, he gets mad and frustrated when someone brings her up when he is trying to talk to me, I've bolded the key phrase in that sentence for you. He doesn't want people reminding you that he is married. If that happens it cuts down on his chances. You would think he is a low-down, cheating pig and it might make you feel sleazy and trashy if you are reminded he is married. There might be problems in his marriage but an affair is [color=red]NEVER[/color] the answer to marital problems. And if you are waiting for him to be divorced before making a move you are just giving him incentive to end his marriage. Is that the kind of guy you really want? He would just toss you aside for the next pretty little thing that catches his eye. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts