Author BoatingBabe Posted January 6, 2005 Author Share Posted January 6, 2005 Originally posted by Devildog I've bolded the key phrase in that sentence for you. He doesn't want people reminding you that he is married. If that happens it cuts down on his chances. You would think he is a low-down, cheating pig and it might make you feel sleazy and trashy if you are reminded he is married. There might be problems in his marriage but an affair is [color=red]NEVER[/color] the answer to marital problems. And if you are waiting for him to be divorced before making a move you are just giving him incentive to end his marriage. Is that the kind of guy you really want? He would just toss you aside for the next pretty little thing that catches his eye. We never actually had "the talk". When I started this thread I clearly said this "affair" or whatever it is, is still in the infancy stage. I never stated leave your wife for me, we haven't been in a physical or mental relationship. There is some chemistry and we both like eachother as people, but that is the extent of it. He sort of layed his feelings on his sleeve when he sent me that e-card which then changed the "game" from innocent flirting at work, to his evident desire for more....which has not been requited by me. I don't want to be responsible for wrecking a marriage...and I don't want to be the OW, because I know the pain that comes with it...I can never share MY man, I can never know that he is going home to another woman and be okay with that. It is just my internal self saying I'd never be with him unless he was divorced. And yes, you are correct, the people I work with constantly bringing up his wife keeps it real for me, and it screws up his game, and that's why he gets pissed. I am just having a bout with insomnia tonight because I just am pissed a man I like who I would normally give a chance to , is married. Therefore; in respect to his wife and myself, I can not make this continue....eventhough he is someone I probably would have jumped at should he were single. But such is life. Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 I didn't phrase that clearly enough. I wasn't implying that you were leading him on to pursue divorce. Sorry about the confusion. My point was that if he thinks there is any kind of chance he might decide to go for it. Best to make it clear to him that you are not interested in a relationship with him. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 So he's telling you about how terrible the marriage is and how he doesn't get on with his wife, etc etc etc, huh? Imagine that - someone who wants to have an affair with someone 'confiding' in her the problems in his marriage. How novel. Wise up - this tactic is so old, it was around before the Ten Commandments. What, exactly, would a horny guy do - talk up his wife and marriage to the intended booty call? Yeesh. Please tell me you are not so naive as to believe these tales. I doubt there's a woman having an affair with a MM that has not been told some variation of exactly that. And, oh yes, the men are 'just about to get a divorce'. So the unwitting women end up in affairs - and sometimes find themselves years later still having affairs with men who haven't gotten the divorce yet for any number of reasons. The guy is trying to hit on you while married. This attests to his character. But I'm thinking you don't want to actually tell him to stop; what you want is a way to get across the point that you'll be glad to wait for him. I think it's a real, REAL bad idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BoatingBabe Posted January 6, 2005 Author Share Posted January 6, 2005 LOL...no way, I'd never wait for anyone in that circumstance...I'm going away on vacation with a single guy next month (with friends) who I may even start dating. Fact is I work with him, and I'll continue to see him daily unless he quits. If he were to stop playing around and approach me seriously and ask me if he has a chance, I'd simply tell him I am not interested in married men...I wouldn't tell him, get a divorce and then come find me, or anything like that. If he were to get the D though, and I was still single, later down the road, then I'd give him a shot, perhaps. Yes, I'm quite aware of the lies...That is why I role my eyes when he starts his wife "bashing" talk. He is aware that I'm not buying into the bull****. I think he knows what he has to do to 'get' me if he's being sincere. And if he only wanted sex, then I believe the games will stop and he'll chase another girl in the office that has potential to be his side dish... Link to post Share on other sites
mourningMM Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 From where I'm reading, BoatingBabe, if you are at all transparent, you have given him every indication that you are interested. But you are reluctant because he is married. So you are giving him the safety net that most MM need in order to jump-ship. Go ahead, keep it platonic, nothing physical allowed until the ring is off the finger. But if you do this, both of you are being deceitful because if he is thinking about you while he is married, he is in an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR, and it is already damaging his relationship with his wife. You, by not telling him to leave in no uncertain terms, are giving him another future to imagine, besides the one that would take so much effort to stay at home. You are giving him the opportunity to consider taking the easy-out of leaving a relationship that he had committed to. Sure he'll tell you his wife is a hag, or he might even say she's a really great person, but the no longer have anything in common. Whatever he says the ony way you can really know the truth of the situation is to see both of them together, and see if there is PAIN in her face as she watches him when he isn't looking. If that is the case, and she still loves him, you have a choice. Are you a good woman, or not? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BoatingBabe Posted January 6, 2005 Author Share Posted January 6, 2005 It would hurt me to see that. But chances are I'll never see that, because I won't be dating him or seeing him as long as he is still married....Nor will I try to find out anything about her or them. On the flip side, I am not the reason for their marriage breakingup(if that were to happen)...Clearly there is something wrong, or he wouldn't be chasing after someone else. I am running away from this, let him deal with his own marriage without complicating his life or mine. If he has any honor, he'll do the right thing....which is either stay with his wife and work it out, or get a divorce , and start anew. I'm quite traditional at core...and I frankly hold honor and integrity up high on my list. But sometimes, things like feelings interfere and just make it harder...however; I know I will make the right choice in the end...and you guys have been helpful with that. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 Originally posted by BoatingBabe If he were to stop playing around and approach me seriously and ask me if he has a chance, I'd simply tell him I am not interested in married men...I wouldn't tell him, get a divorce and then come find me, or anything like that. If he were to get the D though, and I was still single, later down the road, then I'd give him a shot, perhaps. Ok, I think that this is the crux of the confusion. If a married man started to hit on me (as has happened) I am automatically and forever turned off by the huge, glaring character flaws that his hitting on me reveals: 1. Doesn't take care of problems he already has before starting something new. I.e., if marriage is bad, get it sorted before taking on a new relationship. Duh, right? 2. Doesn't respect me enough to immediately recognize that there's no way I would ever get involved with someone who is committed elsewhere. Indicates he doesn't think much of my character, and also indicates that he doesn't think I deserve someone who could engage with me fully and honestly. 3. Is faithless. In other words, he's already shown himself to not be someone to ever get involved with, divorced or not divorced. Yes, people get into bad relationships and marry when they shouldn't. No, that doesn't make them bad people. But the way he's conducting himself now shows quite clearly that his problems go much deeper than that. Yes, I'm quite aware of the lies...That is why I role my eyes when he starts his wife "bashing" talk. He is aware that I'm not buying into the bull****. I think he knows what he has to do to 'get' me if he's being sincere. And if he only wanted sex, then I believe the games will stop and he'll chase another girl in the office that has potential to be his side dish... I think a lot of people here are wondering, "why on earth would you ever want to give this guy an opportunity to "get" you?" He must be terribly attractive and/or charming, because you've already got hard evidence that he's got some major character flaws. It's not his mere lack of divorce that should make you want to stop him cold! Link to post Share on other sites
Author BoatingBabe Posted January 6, 2005 Author Share Posted January 6, 2005 Good read Midori Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 7, 2005 Share Posted January 7, 2005 Clearly there is something wrong, or he wouldn't be chasing after someone else. Sure. The 'something wrong' is very likely him. He could be, as Midori points out, a faithless, disrespectful, dishonest man. Please don't think that women 'cause' men to have affairs. Yes, there are awful women, but there are many fewer awful women than there are men having affairs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BoatingBabe Posted January 7, 2005 Author Share Posted January 7, 2005 Well, he was very business like and professional today...Didn't stop by my office as usual...So perhaps he will back off afterall, without any drama... Link to post Share on other sites
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