My so called 'friend' thinks the worst of me but still wants to hang out?

[Gypsie]

I have been distancing myself from this 'friend of mine' I have known her for a long time but her behaviour seems a bit off with me for some reason.

 

I used to be able to just ignore it because I did not care and knew it was mainly bull**** but now we are both in our 30's shouldn't she be past this by now?

 

Just have been noticing more now how much she looks and talks down to me, even snaps at me aggressively over small things that shouldn't affect her that much, jokingly puts me down and gets judgmental and critical of me from time to time.

 

Examples: She tried out a dance class with me once, she knew she was not a dancer but still gave it a go. In response to that "oh we found something you are better then me at."

 

A group of us were at this event that we used to attend weekly. She was going to be away one week. I spoke up and said that I would take her older friend's son under my wing that week. She replied with "you would not be on his intelligence level"

 

The host of the event and I got along pretty well. He was a bit older. He was 50 and I was in my mid 30's.

 

He would flirt with me a little as well (ended up finding out he was single, had a huge crush on him). Actually got compliments from him, he would call me gorgeous and beautiful every now and then. Even touching me at times with his hands. Apparently according to my friend he was just pretending. That I was embarrassing myself and that things looked awkward. Yeah. She was the only one that was probably feeling awkward because she did not like the situation. She never saw him complimenting me though.

 

I felt comfortable enough around him to chat and joke with him from time to time. That was all it was. The last time I was there and I introduced 2 of my other friends to him, he was cracking jokes. That does not seem like the type of behaviour of someone that would feel uncomfortable and awkward with someone to me.

 

I felt a bit insulted by that comment. She was acting like I was the one throwing myself at the guy.

 

At times I did get really shy and barely spoke to him. Did at times but not all the time. Even if we were flirting it was harmless and a good ego boost as well. Pity nothing did happen! It would have been cool if it did but.

 

She explained she did not want anything to happen because she did not want things to get awkward if it did not work out or him and did not want him reacting differently to the group. Plus she thought that the age gap was to big between us. Another no, no that. To me age doesn't matter if two people are happy together.

 

A few weeks later I asked how he was when I saw her last. She went off her nut. I was not asking for his number or anything. Nothing even happened with him so I don't know why she over reacted to that. Just wanted to see how he was cause I had not seen him in a while.

 

We got a packet of chocolates at this event. I was passing them around to everyone. Took my time because I did not know how many chocolates there were in the packet. She suddenly yanks the packet out of my hand. Snaps at me for going to slow that I was hopeless at handing out chocolates to people.

 

She said I could invite people to this event as well. I did invite one or two friends. She then ended up kicking us out of the group because we were 'too loud and being to disruptive to the group and the room' when all my friends and I were doing were quietly talking amongst ourselves.

 

We did not even got the chance to apologise for being too loud and disruptive to the group. Never ended up going back there. It was a shame. Actually enjoyed the night. But I was not behaving the right way apparently! The host of the event did not say anything. When I said that to her she was like "of course he wouldn't of wouldn't he." LoL.

 

Even when I would have one drink. She would be against it because she felt 'responsible' for me. I am 2 years older then her! I just thought WTF? I would never go over the limit, especially when driving.

 

I used to be really quiet and shy at school. She still seems to see me this way because I have known her since those days. But I am not like that anymore!

 

The thing is I do notice when I come out of my shell more, that is when she gets snappy and I feel like I am walking on eggshells when I talk to her, so I do revert back to being quiet like I was back then. I think she prefers it that way because it suits her personality more.

 

I was so glad I did not end up sharing with her. Especially now. She suggested the idea months ago. Then backed out because she did not trust me in her house when I was there on my own. I have rented for years and have always gotten my bond back, leaving everything as it was. Smirked hearing that lame excuse!

 

Those are just some examples right there of how she gets with me.

 

I have not spoken to her in a few weeks and got a text from her today asking if I was gonna have time off over Christmas and New Year. Looks like she wanted to catch up.

 

Just wonder why she would want to hang out with someone she doesn't trust and think much of. Wouldn't you want to be friends with someone you saw in a more positive light? I know I would. Hence why I am distancing myself from her. I was working so just said I was busy, which was actually the truth! Only have the public holidays off.

 

Thank god I have other friends who are not like this at all. So nice having people around who are the total opposite to that!

 

Sorry post was so long. Needed a rant. Any thoughts, opinions on the situation would be great!

Edited December 24, 2013 by Gypsie

[darkmoon]

tell she is bossy, advise her never to treat anyone else like that and that you are doing her a favor, giving her a gift, in advising her, but really you would prefer it if she stopped contact

 

send her letter about this to avoid more of her mouth, or ignore her

 

these tyrants do not let go easily - here she is at Christmas, sniffing round you - so be firm and stubborn, no means no, block her number

 

i bet she's all sweetness and light when dealing with people above her or somebody in authority...whether you want to keep volunteering to be the somebody beneath her (in her mind at any rate), to complete her fancied patterns of status is up to you

Edited December 24, 2013 by darkmoon

[Gypsie]

Darkmoon

 

No. I never want to be looked down on or talked down to by anyone. Let alone a supposedly good friend!

 

I think that it is really sad that some women, even up until in their early 30's, would still act this way, just to make them feel better about themselves and get some sense of self importance/authority.

[stillafool]

I wouldn't take her crap for one minute. Why don't you speak up to her when she does and says these things to you? She likes hanging out with you because you let her boss you around. Don't let her, speak up for yourself and put her in her place.

[fifipheebs]

Jealousy is a monster. She is unhappy with her life and has to drag evryone down with her.

[Trapito]

I wouldn't like to have someone like that in my life.

 

She is putting you down in order to feel better about herself, like a bully. She probably is very insecure and has controlling issues.

 

If you want, you can have a talk with her. Explain that her comments are hurtful and unnecessary. Her reaction will be your answer. There is a big probability that she will deny being a bully (maybe she even hands out the victim card). I could be wrong though..

 

Or..

 

You can just ignore her and break off the 'friendship'.

[Gypsie]

StillAFool

 

I know that I have not spoken up for myself. Just would usually ignore her **** before.

 

It wouldn't be weird if all of a sudden I did speak up for myself and put her in my place, even though I have not done it before? Think that is what is stopping me from doing it.

 

I did mention to her "you know none of my other friends talk to me the way you do" she responded with "they don't know you, like I do."

 

I have another friend who I have known just as long as she and also from school. She has never treated me that way. That blows that theory out the window and really does prove to me this is all her own issues.

 

She would never expect it from me that is for sure!

 

FiFiPheebs

 

I thought she might be jealous. If she is so much better then me, she shouldn't feel the need to be, right? .

 

Trapito

 

I felt that this was a form of controlling behaviour. She knows I hate people that are like that which is the funny thing! She probably does not even realise she is doing it, herself.

 

That event that we went to. I felt like getting kicked out of that group was a kind of punishment for me because I was not behaving the way she wanted me to.

 

It was funny when she even mentioned I was ruining it for her one night and I thought WTF? All I was being was friendly and chatty to people. How was is that bad?

 

Liked how I mentioned that the host of that event did call me beautiful and gorgeous. Mentioned that on purpose cause I knew it would piss her off. He had even mentioned it to someone else when, my friend and I were going on about our backgrounds. I wish I had mentioned that to her when she was going on about him 'faking' it.

 

He was probably was just flirting for fun. Now that would have been a better explanation then just "he was pretending and you were embarrassing yourself." Never once I got that vibe from him.

 

We both got a good ego boost from it. All good! Like I said before, never would have made a move if he didn't and nothing happened cause of that. So don't know why she got all worked up about it. Plus, what 50 year old, wouldn't want a 30 something flirting with him?! When she went on about how 'wrong' it was. That did not even make sense cause I know he would have enjoyed the attention as well.

 

I used to have dinner at her place once a week as well as go to this thing. The last couple of weeks I was there. All she did was go on about my 'unacceptable behaviour' at this thing.

 

I ended up, stopping going because I was being put down every single time I went there. It was on Sunday nights. Just mentioned would prefer staying home now and relaxing cause I have to work the next day lol.

 

Believe me, feels good not dealing with bull****, having this break from her.

Edited December 24, 2013 by Gypsie

[preraph]

When people constantly put down certain other people, they are doing it to make themselves feel superior, and any psychologist can tell you they have low self esteem or they wouldn't feel the need to carry it to that extreme. It's called "leveling." They try to bring you down a notch to their level, but it reflects they have problems with their own self-worth. It gives them a short high when they do this, makes them feel worthy and superior for a brief moment. It's not something likely to change unless they have years of therapy, so if I were you, I'd leave her behind. She is only going to try to sabotage you if you do happen to meet anyone interesting through her. It's a no-win situation.

[Gypsie]

Preraph

 

That makes sense.

 

She does tell me, any guys she associates with, I would not be their type. Ha ha. Well the 50 year old obviously found me attractive at least so she was wrong there. I just don't understand why she would act weird if I ever dated anyone that associated with her. Shrugs. My other friends would encourage it!

 

I am so glad I am not like that. I like uplifting people and enjoy being friendly and fun to be around. With her she is too serious. When I do start mucking around, be silly at times, she snaps aggressively at me, doesn't like it and seems embarrassed by it.

 

I just don't understand why someone who does not trust me, thinks so little and negatively about me would even bother wanting to hang around me? Baffled by the fact she is still trying to contact me . Weird!

[kaylan]

Jealousy is a monster. She is unhappy with her life and has to drag evryone down with her.

Agree with this. You dont need to deal with people who bring you down or think low of you OP. I dont get this friend of yours either...as I wouldnt be friends with someone I had a low opinion of.

[preraph]

Preraph

 

That makes sense.

 

She does tell me, any guys she associates with, I would not be their type. Ha ha. Well the 50 year old obviously found me attractive at least so she was wrong there. I just don't understand why she would act weird if I ever dated anyone that associated with her. Shrugs. My other friends would encourage it!

 

There is a certain etiquette about not taking over friends (or men) a friend has introduced you to unless they specifically say go for it. So it shouldn't be a free-for-all on anyone she introduces you to. But that's why I said the friendship is a dead end because I can see she gets you out there meeting people, but then she doesn't want you to keep them as friends or anything else for whatever her reasons and is insulting you to keep you in line. So that's why I'd just bail out before it ends in disaster and she makes you the bad guy over dating or being friends with someone she introduced you to.

[Gypsie]

Kaylan

 

Hell no. I really find it irritating when people do that. Oh I would not be friends with people I have a low opinion of as well. :roll eyes:. That is the confusing part! . Hence this post.

 

Preraph

 

Well all my other friends say go for it, when I am interested in someone that they are friends with. That is why I find this a bit odd. Have just never met someone so uptight about the whole thing.

 

People I have dated, that I have met through other friends before. I still managed to stay friends with them after it ended. Shrugs.

 

She does insult me to keep me on her terms. I think that is really wrong and a form of someone trying to control how you behave to suit them.

[chelsea2011]

Jeezo. She sounds like a real peach. Yikes.

 

Good for you for seeing the situation for what it is - toxic. I've had friends like that in the past and one day I woke up and started getting rid of those friendships. Who needs it right? There are plenty of other people out there who will be happy to have you in their life as a friend. If you find you have to be around her for any reason then stand up for yourself and put her in her place.

 

Good luck!

[Blade96]

She sounds like she MIGHT be a CF - Competitive Friend. She might wanna compete with you cause she sees something you got that she doesn't and her behavior she thinks, might bring you down a notch.

 

This isn't what a real good friend should be. Talk to her. If she doesn't budge then - you know what to do.

[No Limit]

Let her go. I've had a similar thing happen with someone I loved like a sister, and after 2 years we practically were pretty close I had thought.

This turned out to be wrong though and she did a great deal of damage to my image and myself. Cut her off before this happens to you, I wouldn't wish this experience to anyone.

[Gypsie]

chelsea2011/B]

 

I definitely don't need toxic friends in my life! This 'friend' has seen me let go of two other friends who were also toxic so she knows I don't like controlling people. She probably just does not realise that she is one of them herself! No more Miss nice girl, when it comes to these types anymore. Must just be outgrowing some people I hang out with and less tolerable of bull**** now. Over people who behave in that manner. That's for sure.

 

It feels so great hanging out with my other friends. No drama, judgements, competition, just people having a great time and enjoying each others company. You definitely notice the difference between these friends and the 'toxic' ones.

 

Blade96

 

I don't understand why she would feel the need to compete with me. Like I said in the OP. I did mention to her that no one else I know talks to me the way she does and she replied with "no one knows you like I do or as well as I do." Something along those lines. I know another girl from school that I am friends with. Have known both girls for the same amount of time. She has seen my quiet, shy, side as well and does not treat me like this friend does at all. I have never had a problem like this with anyone else I hang out with. Thank god.

 

NoLimit

 

Letting her go, looks like it is on the cards. I have had a break from her and it feels great. Less stressful that's for sure. I am not so anxious wondering if I am going to say the wrong thing or if I am behaving the right way. Thinking this way when hanging out with someone, stops you being your true self. Really do feel like I can't be myself around her! I am definitely more relaxed with my other friends. They are not as uptight as she is lol.

Edited December 27, 2013 by Gypsie

[SpiralOut]

Why are you still talking to her? I remember you posting practically the exact same thread a couple months ago.

[Gypsie]

SpiralOut

 

Oh I have stopped now. She has just kept sending texts occasionally. Just keep telling her I am busy. Partly true! Do feel slightly bad about it and just wanted to get some more answers about the whole thing but yes am distancing myself off her. Just confusing she would still contact me if she thinks that way of me that's all.

Edited December 27, 2013 by Gypsie

[SpiralOut]

SpiralOut

 

Oh I have stopped now. She has just kept sending texts occasionally. Just keep telling her I am busy. Partly true! Do feel slightly bad about it and just wanted to get some more answers about the whole thing but yes am distancing myself off her. Just confusing she would still contact me if she thinks that way of me that's all.

 

 

 

I'm glad to hear you're distancing yourself. Maybe she thinks that she likes you. It's funny what people can trick themselves into thinking. It makes her feel good to use you as a punching bag but she can't admit that's what she's doing, so she tells herself that she likes you. That's my guess anyway. Or maybe she's lonely enough she doesn't care who she hangs out with so long as it's somebody.

 

 

It's okay to feel sorry for her. Losing all her friends might be the kick in the butt that she needs to wake up.

[SubliminalSessions]

Jealousy is a monster. She is unhappy with her life and has to drag evryone down with her.

 

lol, exactly. Like the song says:

 

"All my bad ass bitches, **** them jealous ass bitches"

 

I have a friend JUST like that. I ended up blocking his number, but we keep running into each other every couple months at the bar..and trying to reconnect.

 

Last night I let him know I blocked him, we chatted for a good few minutes...how we miss each other, had fun, yadda yadda. But it would just get out of CONTROL at times. Overtime, it started eroding my self-confidence...and even now, I'm still trying to dig myself out the trenches. Even yesterday he made 2 statements in a jokingly way that once again could have made me feel self-conscious.

 

People like that, you have to keep your distance or hang around sparingly. Or better yet, you'll see them when you see them. Don't plan anything.

[Gypsie]

SpiralOut

 

I have felt like an emotional punching bag to her. My problem is, that I am just too nice.

 

It is good that I had been ignoring the little jabs and not taking what she says to heart but you do feel like you are loosing your self respect in the sense of letting her get away with being like that.

 

Like I said before, getting older, seem to be less tolerable of that kind of **** now. Live and learn I guess.

 

Yeah. No clue why she still hangs around. That could be it… Who knows what goes on in these people's heads. LoL.

 

SubliminalSessions

 

The way these people talk to us. Really irritating. At least now not hanging out with my friend.

 

Like I said before. Feeling more relaxed not worrying about if I am saying the wrong thing, or if I am acting the right way. Walking on eggshells while hanging out with someone. Not a healthy friendship to me.

[SpiralOut]

SpiralOut

 

I have felt like an emotional punching bag to her. My problem is, that I am just too nice.

 

It is good that I had been ignoring the little jabs and not taking what she says to heart but you do feel like you are loosing your self respect in the sense of letting her get away with being like that.

 

Like I said before, getting older, seem to be less tolerable of that kind of **** now. Live and learn I guess.

 

Yeah. No clue why she still hangs around. That could be it… Who knows what goes on in these people's heads. LoL.

 

 

 

Yep. That's what makes these people so difficult to deal with. Give them the reaction they want and they win. Ignore it and they think it's okay to keep acting that way. I've dealt with several "friends" who would say things that left me speechless, not because I didn't know what to say, but because I was too nice to say "**** off," to them. It shocked me that they could say something so mean, then turn around and offer me a cupcake. It was so screwed up. It has taken a lot of practice for me to learn to say "**** off" in a nicer way.

 

 

Sometimes a simple "I really enjoy these things that you say to me," is enough to make them stop and think. After an insult, you can say "I love these compliments that you give me." It buys you some time to get away while they try to figure out if you're being sarcastic or not.

 

 

If you're still mad at this girl, I suggest writing a letter to her, but never sending it. It might help you to get stuff off your chest and just forget about her.

[Gypsie]

SpiralOut

 

The last time I spoke with her. I was being more opinionated about stuff. She argued every opinion I had. I was taken back and thought, no wonder she liked the quieter version of me.

 

I had mentioned in the OP that I had stopped going to her weekly dinners. She asked me again if I wanted to come after that. Still said no and told her the same excuse why I did not want to.

[furby19]

I have been in similar situations with the friends that I grew up with. They treated me the same way that your friend is treating you. It started off as jealousy. Then, when they saw that I was not as aggressive as them, they started taking advantage of me.

 

You should tell her how this is affecting you and then stop dealing with her. That way, she can't pretent that she doesn't know why you don't deal with her anymore. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, simply keep doing what you are doing. She will eventually get the picture.

 

In my opinion, there is no way you guys can be friends after the way she has treated you. She clearly does not respect you. How can you repair a friendship with someone who doesn't respect you?

 

The best way to deal with some people is to not deal with them at all. It is a shame that it has to be this way but you have to be willing to let people see that you don't mind letting them go if they can't respect and treat you right.

[stillafool]

SpiralOut

 

The last time I spoke with her. I was being more opinionated about stuff. She argued every opinion I had. I was taken back and thought, no wonder she liked the quieter version of me.

 

I had mentioned in the OP that I had stopped going to her weekly dinners. She asked me again if I wanted to come after that. Still said no and told her the same excuse why I did not want to.

 

She sounds like a lonely person and needs a friend she can dump on since she's so dang miserable. I hope the next time she gives you any shyt you let her have it. Seriously that is the only way she is going to get the message. If she asks you why you don't hang out anymore, say, "because I don't enjoy being verbally abused" if she asks what you are talking about tell her. Don't be afraid because afterall you are deleting her from your life anyway. She may as well know why. Maybe she will find some "act right" and apologize and the two of you can be friends again someday. But if you don't handle her this way now she will look at you as a cowardly weakling.