blue963 Posted December 24, 2013 Share Posted December 24, 2013 Im having such a hard time disconnecting from what I feeling. I can't ruin my holiday over this. I am doing what I need to do family wise, but in the background i am really distressed. My MM is going thru a hard time this holiday season with the loss of his second parent. (No children and no siblings makes it even harder - nothing to distract you). Christmas eve was always their important day (same as my family). The connection isn't really great right now between the two of us right now. He has always turned to me when he has gone thru stuff....but this is really major. He just keeps to himself. Not trying to be selfish here, but just trying to deal with my own emotions of this. I feel bad for him, understand, and feel need to cut him some slack. Yet im dealing from emotions from this because he is pulling away. It brings up a whole ton of my own issues about expectations, boundaries, self-respect, should I end this relationship, etc.... I guess I should just go on and do what I have to do for my holiday and not worry about him. But it hurts so very hard when we have been very close for 5 years. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted December 24, 2013 Share Posted December 24, 2013 I am really sorry you sad this holiday. No matter what is going on in your life this day is special and you deserve some happiness. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
Author blue963 Posted December 24, 2013 Author Share Posted December 24, 2013 Thanks Clay the worse part is I have to put on a front on how I am feeling because of what the relationship is. Maybe this is a very good time to walk away. It serves no purpose. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted December 24, 2013 Share Posted December 24, 2013 I think it is true. You do deserve better. There is nothing wrong with wanting someone to love you and treat you with the respect you deserve. Do you try to date other men? What are you plans for the future if this man is out of the picture? Clay Link to post Share on other sites
Author blue963 Posted December 24, 2013 Author Share Posted December 24, 2013 the sad part is i am married with children. Obviously it isnt a good relationship. It was over years before any other relationship started. I am staying for the kids and I am stuck too because I am taking care of my elderly mother. (cant get a full time job because of those responsiblities). I didnt expect to feel this crappy this holiday, but guess Ill just have to suck it up. Done it before I can do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted December 24, 2013 Share Posted December 24, 2013 It is rather easy to see why you are feeling so down. Does your husband know that you are so unhappy? Does he have any idea you are having an affair? Clay Link to post Share on other sites
Author blue963 Posted December 24, 2013 Author Share Posted December 24, 2013 I have tried over and over within the 25 years that we have been married. He is just so unemotional and uncaring. He is not a mean person.... He just runs and a different wave length. My kids even see that something is off. I only began the affair because it was a coping mechanism. To live with someone in a marriage like this is unbearable. Link to post Share on other sites
ZMM Posted December 24, 2013 Share Posted December 24, 2013 Blue - no fun to be stuck. Like you said, you just have to suck it up and make the best of things. I hope you can have a good holiday! You aren't alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted December 24, 2013 Share Posted December 24, 2013 Well you have been married along time. Do you mind if I ask some personal questions? I sent a PM incase you did not want them out in the open. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
Author blue963 Posted December 24, 2013 Author Share Posted December 24, 2013 The problem is I know he is hurting. Do I reach out to him or leave him alone. Having this terrible anxiety like I'm being dumped even tho I don't think so. He has been on Facebook liking the melancholy ones if your loved one is in heaven. Sigh!!! Link to post Share on other sites
ZMM Posted December 24, 2013 Share Posted December 24, 2013 The problem is I know he is hurting. Do I reach out to him or leave him alone. Having this terrible anxiety like I'm being dumped even tho I don't think so. He has been on Facebook liking the melancholy ones if your loved one is in heaven. Sigh!!! I don't know your situation, but if it were me I would. In fact, I reached out to someone yesterday and today, who just had a loss yesterday. I am not nor have I ever been in an A with her and never will be. But, I just wanted her to know, I am here for her if she needs me. I am certainly no expert though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blue963 Posted December 24, 2013 Author Share Posted December 24, 2013 I did reach out to him. Very distant but know its because of what he is feeling. We come from same ethnic backgrounds and celebrate the same ways....so know its difficult to talk to be about my plans tonight. Just said wanted to check how he was, then asked if would prefer if I would leave him alone...said either way. Few sentences and said bye. Know its ego talking, but that did hurt. (Guess I am being selfish). Knew this was coming and should have prepared myself more. Link to post Share on other sites
ZMM Posted December 24, 2013 Share Posted December 24, 2013 I did reach out to him. Very distant but know its because of what he is feeling. We come from same ethnic backgrounds and celebrate the same ways....so know its difficult to talk to be about my plans tonight. Just said wanted to check how he was, then asked if would prefer if I would leave him alone...said either way. Few sentences and said bye. Know its ego talking, but that did hurt. (Guess I am being selfish). Knew this was coming and should have prepared myself more. Now I get the picture. Sounds like that is just his way of dealing with things. It also sounds like he doesn't mind if you check on him again later, probably a very good idea. So, he knows you are thinking/worried about him. For me, it's hard to know what to say when consoling someone. But, I figure it out. Nothing really helps, but for them it is nice just to know they are in your thoughts. I've been on the other side of this, losing someone very close to me. Twice, when I was still a kid. It's definitely tough and just takes some time but don't tell them that. It never really help to remind people that 'Time heals all wounds'. Everybody already knows that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blue963 Posted December 24, 2013 Author Share Posted December 24, 2013 ZMM- Yes a very deep and unique relationship with his parents. Well I also know how it feels losing someone you love. Lost my wonderful dad 13 years ago and my mom is in very poor health. This is kinda of how this A started. He lost his mother and W wasn't supportive and wasnt there for him. We were just friends and I was supporting him via chat because he couldnt sleep at night and I dont sleep very much...most of all I just felt bad because I didnt have a spouse that was there for me when I was going thru it and knew what it felt like to be alone during that time. Only thing I know is that I am feeling miserable too. (sigh selfish again). Thanks for your reply btw! This type of situation makes you feel so darned alone because you cant talk about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ZMM Posted December 24, 2013 Share Posted December 24, 2013 This type of situation makes you feel so darned alone because you cant talk about it. You can say that again! Link to post Share on other sites
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