How to know if you are verbally abuser

[conf]

After my last break up this is a question which is spinning in my mind from time to time. She had told me that this is a dealbreaker for her so it was that? I dont remember to fight a lot. I think that in our six year relatioship we had 3 fights, but i dont know... If you are physical abuser you can easily spot that, but if you are a verbal abuser???

[devilish innocent]

Most people will say rude things from time to time when they're really upset. Verbal abuse is more a consistent pattern of frequently putting the other person down and trying to get control over them with your words. That's not to say there aren't some things so terrible they shouldn't even be said once. It's easier to recognize those things when you hear them being said than to come up with a definition for them.

[dreamingoftigers]

Verbal abuse - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[sad_bubble]

i'll give you some examples. If you feel unhappy with yourself, would you spill the anger on your partner trying to convince them to change, that they are bad? or.. Would you start from nagging your partner on little thing (e.g. some uncleaned dishes) and then proceed the conversation with mean nagging regarding the way your partner is (which is completely unrelated)?

 

e.g. (1) i don't like your genuine smile, you are way too happy, little things should not make you happy don't be this worthless child,

 

or e.g. (2) why people would like you? I think even your friends think you are boring. why don't you lose your job? Go and become floor sweeper. no one cares about you. You look like ****. Go and commit suicide, you are useless in this world.

 

or e.g. (3) so you like your pets? I want to kill them. they are worthless rats, same as you. your friends are not normal, find grown up people to hang out, so you earn good salary, why can't you buy me more things? As you don't, i appreciate more people whom I barely know than you.

 

in these examples, do you see how the abuse is addressed towards making your partner feel bad about himself/herself? My ex partner used to say such things, during anger bursts. he used to say, don't pay attention to this, as this is all due to anger. Even if it is anger,this trully affects the receiver of the abuse. Anger is not an excuse to use very harsh words againts your partner. Never attempt to make your partner unhappy about themselves just to make yourself feel better. the worst case is when your partner tries not doing things that you don't like and then you just start demanding more new things for them to change in themselves.

[ThatMan]

I've had an idea. The first is to visit a local library or bookstore and look through self-help books. There are anger management books with exercises to practice. You need to learn how to think things through, especially during a heated argument.

 

Next you could hold yourself to a standard. If you wouldn't say those words to your boss, then you shouldn't say them to your spouse.

 

Best of luck.