Author BC1980 Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 For now, I think the best thing for me would be a good m ale friend. I want people who genuinely are interested in ME, not just what they can get or hope to get from me. When I look back at my romantic relationships, I am left with this sad feeling that none of those men truly saw me or were deeply interested in me. Enamored of me for a time, yes. But that was all. And I accepted that, but not anymore. I can't afford anything less. I wasted a lot of years with men who were not interested in me as a person. I think that it what whittled down my self-esteem in the last relationship. Not being valued for who I was but, instead, being told I needed to change or that my outlook on life and opinion were wrong. Jeez, why did I put up with that? I love your line: "I can't afford anything less" than someone who is interested in me for me and who doesn't want to change me. I'm going to remember that one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BC1980 Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 I think the "good years" are whichever years you decide for them to be, don't worry about that. Definitely don't push it if you're not feeling good about it. What exactly is worrying you about dating, is it fear of being hurt again or going through another breakup or something else? What are you looking to get out of dating, a relationship or just meeting people or ? You're right. The "good years" happen when we want them to. Age is nothing but a number. I know that saying is thrown around a lot, but there is much truth to it. I'm scared to love again quite honestly. I deeply loved my ex. Even though he did not fully love me, I did love him, and it scares me to feel that way about someone again. It scares me to give the person that much power over me. Maybe I need to reexamine my concept of love. I sometimes wonder if loving him was some kind of unhealthy attachment or some kind of codependency. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BC1980 Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 I have tried to date in the past few weeks, and it was like the universe was telling me, "no". Very few responses, a date that wasn't right. I am looking forward to getting back to being happy by myself, and taking at least 6 months off from the whole mess. I think taking time off is only a good thing. Especially if you were the one who was dumped. I tried to date immediately after my breakup, and it didn't go well. I started talking to a guy and ended up ghosting on him when he wanted to meet up. What I did was wrong and a reason you shouldn't try to so soon after a breakup. I was not in the right head space. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Dating is crappy and annoying and frustrating, but it's so much better than the alternative. Sign up somewhere online and start meeting people. I suggest taking it slow at first until you've regained your comfort with the early moves (small talk, body language, pretty but sufficiently subtle eyeliner, etc). Don't go on every date expecting to find Mr. Right, and don't be disappointed when things don't work out. Just going through the motions can help. About a year after my worst breakup I had a dreadful one-night stand. Believe it or not, I felt relieved and optimistic afterwards. It felt so good to remind myself I could still want sex, that my primal instincts hadn't completely withered and died, and I was still living, hungry, wanting. Other people will hurt you. Hell, you'll hurt other people too. That's a guarantee. The key is to find someone with whom you can build enough trust to counteract that hurt. Also: it helps to remember OLD is no different than any other form of dating. All OLD does is provide a forum to meet literally thousands of people you wouldn't otherwise. If you think of it as a platform for introductions, rather than some confusing and scary jungle with its own arcane rules, it's much less stressful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BriNyc82 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 OLD is what you make of it. There are a lot of douchey and flakey guys out there especially in NYC. I'm only 3 months post b/u and have decided to get back on the proverbial horse bc I don't want to let my ex hold me back from getting what I really want out of life. I know I am not fully ready but if I can have just one fun date, some laughs, possibly even one conversation that makes me realize "hey, this guy isn't so bad" then it's a step in the right direction Granted I have had some terrible dates too but I always go on these dates with 0 expectation. Sometimes I come home feeling even worse bc they don't compare to my ex. And sometimes I come home feeling ok. But either way it's a win! To circle back on what Lanabanana said, even realizing that I can be attracted to someone else is a move in the right direction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 (edited) these exes of ours were totally wrong for us, and would never have worked out! Now... try to dig deeper into this. Why did you end up with this person to begin with? But be warned, it's a rabbit hole and you must be committed to trying to understand this pattern / behavior and how it evolved, or its a waste of time. Again, I highly recommend reading this book: No More Mr. Nice Guy, by Dr Robert Glover. It accurately addresses 95% of the posts I read on here. Well worth the read!!! Edited August 24, 2015 by mtnbiker3000 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Oregon_Dude Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Again, I highly recommend reading this book: No More Mr. Nice Guy, by Dr Robert Glover. It accurately addresses 95% of the posts I read on here. Well worth the read!!!Bought it, reading it. The print is too large and the book is too thin. But we'll see. PS. If you're in PDX, let's hang. Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 (edited) The print is too large and the book is too thin. Huh??? ^^^ The more open you are, the more it will make sense and be of use to you, especially with the topic I addressed above... For you too, BC!!! Also, as I've stated, there is a PDX support group based on this book as well. I've been attending for 18 months Dr Glover can / will help you, OD, if you are open to his ideas!!! He is local to, based out of Seattle... Yes, I am in PDX... Actually south by about 15 minutes. We could totally hang!!! =) Edited August 24, 2015 by mtnbiker3000 Link to post Share on other sites
Oregon_Dude Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Dr Glover can / will help you, OD, if you are open to his ideas!!! He is local to, based out of Seattle... Yes, I am in PDX... Actually south by about 15 minutes. We could totally hang!!! =)I'm just sayin' dude! My copy of this book looks like it was made for senior citizens. Plus, short books can be disappointing. Anyway, I'm very open to Glover's ideas and look forward to reading. I have sent you a PM about meeting up. OD Link to post Share on other sites
Author BC1980 Posted August 24, 2015 Author Share Posted August 24, 2015 Now... try to dig deeper into this. Why did you end up with this person to begin with? But be warned, it's a rabbit hole and you must be committed to trying to understand this pattern / behavior and how it evolved, or its a waste of time. Again, I highly recommend reading this book: No More Mr. Nice Guy, by Dr Robert Glover. It accurately addresses 95% of the posts I read on here. Well worth the read!!! So you think this book could be good for women as well? I read a book called "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl" by Natalie Lue that I thought was excellent. It sounds like it might be similar but not quite. Link to post Share on other sites
drseuss Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 well i met a girl 3 weeks after my break up thinking it would help me and i bumped into my exs best friend , who i get on with , so she obviously would have told my ex .....but meeting someone new didnt help at all and my ex has obviously found out i was with another a girl so it was a double fal , made me feel like **** Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 it's a fine line between going out and meeting new people, to feel that life does go on and you are moving on and also giving yourself time and space to grieve and heal. Be good to yourself and listen to yourself. If it's too fast, it's too fast. If tomorrow you feel like going out and paint the town red, go do it. Don't beat yourself up for feeling down. Keep a good support system around - talk to friends and family - and most importantly, do things you love - picking up on my classical dance classes helped me immensely. Going on a running club, meeting new people and being active helped me immensely, after my break up. Not feeling like I have to prove anything to anyone. And not trying to find someone as a surrogate to feel less pain. As long as you fight your own battles without trying to cheat, you'll be fine. It's a rocky road, but you'll be fine. cheers Link to post Share on other sites
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