I can't get him out of my mind...

[wandering_at_length]

So things with this guy have always been complicated, especially in the beginning when we both had long term significant others. We started out being friends from classes, and our relationship quickly grew very close. This particular summer was tough on my boyfriend and me since we'd been having problems for awhile, and I didn't see him for several months on end. It was a fairly similar story with this guy, let's call him Eli, and his girlfriend. By the end of the summer, he was a really close friend with the problem of the sexual tension that was between us. I'm not sure exactly when it started, but it didn't take very long for it to build up to the point I was thinking about him constantly. In a lapse of self control, I went out with him and some friends one weekend and managed to get black out drunk. For a long story short, we had been dancing all night together in the clubs, and it turned into sex when we got back to his place.

The next morning, we had breakfast, and I left pretty quickly after that. That was the last time I saw him until the following January after I got back from a semester abroad. We had always talked online while I was away, but things got weird when we still had sort of mixed feelings about each other. The thing was he would only write the "I miss you"s and "I really like you"s when he was drunk, and it was only often enough for me to just try and not think about him, and then it would all come back as soon as he talked to me. The real issue was that I never told my boyfriend because I thought it would be a one time thing that didn't mean anything. Unfortunately, it did mean something to me, but by the time I came back from abroad and tried to break up with him, I got scared. It's something I still regret today, even though I've managed to forgive myself for cheating (for the most part).

Anyway, Eli's and my relationship failed when I got back, mainly because it was still weird, I still had some feelings, and I was still with my boyfriend. The problem is that now he and I are in the same close quarters program for an entire year. During the break between the summer and fall semesters, he went on a trip with me and some of our friends, and this is where it gets even more complicated. We flirted, made out, and came close to having sex on this trip. As soon as I realized this might be a thing, I broke up with my boyfriend, so that I wouldn't cheat on him again. I know it's ridiculous and I don't expect sympathy because I realize how repulsive this is, but I cannot help my feelings around Eli. There's something about him that draws me to him, and I think that had we met is different circumstances, something real could have happened between us. When we got back from vacation, we started a friends with benefits relationship, with both of us agreeing that neither one of us was looking for a real relationship. I keep telling myself that things between us couldn't get too serious. A little while later, he told me he met a girl that he really liked, and so we ended up stopping our FWB so he could pursue her. I have to say that this really hurt my self esteem because I had just told him that I liked him a lot. More than FWB, and for him to tell me that we could never work out really hurt.

Anyway, he started dating this girl and they're mad for each other. I'm happy that he found someone who compliments him, because we both knew that a real relationship between us wouldn't work for many reasons, but it really sucks to see them together.

It physically hurts. And I've spend the last 3 months trying to get over him, and I've made progress, but the jerk wrote me online recently, and now the feelings are back. I can't seem to escape, and what I really want is to not have to see him constantly. I'll not be able to fully move on until we leave the program, and I still have 6 more months.

The bond I feel for him is ridiculously strong, and it hurts that I know he doesn't feel the same way. I don't even know if he felt the bond. I think he did at one point, but I know he's not obsessing like I have been for the last year and a half. I hate these feelings so much and I don't know how to move on from someone I've never fully had!

 

I know most of you don't care, but I've finally been able to tell this full story. With my close friends, I've been maintaining that I never had deep deep feelings for this guy, and that I've never wanted to date him, but that's not true. I've had the hardest time admitting to myself that I love someone who doesn't love me back.

[confusedsoul14]

Oh I know how it feels when someone you think you love doesn't love you back. Its even more painful when he gets into a relationship with somebody else right in front of you. You feel so helpless and vulnerable... I'm crazy about this guy who is getting closer and closer to a girl and I can't seem to do anything about it. But, I found that talking it out with a reliable friend/confidant really helps. Also, I have started to try noticing other guys around me and see if i can develop a new crush. Most importantly, you have to love yourself the most right now. Try dressing up and new hairstyles, go to the gym, make new friends and involve yourself in fun activities and games. And keep reminding yourself that someone who doesn't love you isn't worth your precious time at all

Good luck.

[MasonJarTeaDrinker]

You're gonna be fine, we all go through this stuff, even us guys.