skinut2234 Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 I've been reading a lot of forums on the whle "weight" issue and how it relates to marriage. My wife has gained probably 50-60lbs over the last 10 years... I've stayed the same (150) Do I feel less attracted to her? YES- Do I feel bad saying that: YES.... I do not understand the responses from people saying "NEVER say your unattracted to a woman" OK- WHY?? SHould I say- "Honey, I am concerned about your health?" Come' on - give me a break- If there is something about me that my wife finds unattractive- I want to know about it so I can fix it..... Why do I have to "dance" around this issue all the time...... Bottom line- I am not as attracted to her anymore!- Call me shallow, call me whatever- but that is reality...at least I am honest- It's a wake up call- Do I still love her?? YES- I am just not as attracted to her- If that makes me a bad person, then so be it. This goes for men too- I've kept myself in good shape because I want my spouse to find me attractive....2 Why does everyone have this approach-?? Wouldn't you want the truth so you could get to the bottom of it? Yes- I understand unconditional love, but when one mate starts to feel a certain way (and we are all human)- things change... Too many people go into marriage thinking they can relax and he or she will love me forever.... WRONG- Look at half the posts in here- Marriage in itself is tough enough as it is... We each have a responsibility to each other to make the other one happy.... Am I way off base on this??? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 Diplomacy is a valuable thing. It helps you get what you want, easily, with no big hassle, without a fight. If you tell your spouse their fat repulses you and makes them less attractive, they will become defensive and pissed off. If you say, I am worried about your health, they will probably not become as defensive. Look, say what you want. There are a million ways to phrase one idea or concept. You can try to approach it without hurting someone's feelings, or use your "I'm only being honest" smokescreen to be emotionally abusive. Link to post Share on other sites
hugznkisses21 Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 yes and no love comes from with in and you usually marry someone through sickness and health through thick and think...not becuase of looks BUT being attracted to your spose is very important....what if you told her that u miss certain tings about her.....and join a gym with her so she doesnt feel alone in this. weight is a touchy topic for women..........we are contstanly compared Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 Well......that was quite a statement. Have you recently told your wife that you think she is over-weight thus prompting your inquiries on the internet? or are you looking for ways to tell her? bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 I'd say you are not off base. People who get bashed usually state in their posts that they are ready to divorce their wives because they have gained weight, or say that their wives/girlfriends looked exactly the same when they first started dating, or had very unrealistic expectations about their spouses (expecting your wife not to gain even 10 pounds is very unrealistic), or complain about their wives'weight when she has just had a child or has gone through an illness, or consider dumping their girlfriends over their weight before first discussing it. I don't think many people would bash you. You said you love your wife. You keep in shape for her. Why should you be bashed? SHould I say- "Honey, I am concerned about your health?" Come' on - give me a break- Believe me, it's a much better option than telling her that she has lost attractiveness in your eyes. If she wants to get the message, she'll get it very clearly. She will know in her heart that it's a lie, but in these cases a tactful lie is better than brutal honesty! If she doesn't get the message, you'll still have the brutal-but-honest way. You should use the "I no longer find you attractive" line only as a last resort. Have you already discussed the weight issue with your wife? Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 Not really sure what you are asking. By all means, be honest with your wife. If the weight is a deal-breaker with you then she needs to know it. If you are going to use her weight to justify a fling or affair -- she needs to know it. If she said your shrinking penis was unattractive to her how are you going to change that? Some people gain weight as they age -- no matter how much they try not to. Body chemistry and genetics play a role here too. Understanding and acceptance of ones spouse is important. My husband thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, but he does not think I'm the sexiest. He sees "sexy" with different eyes and not with his heart. He sees beautiful with his soul or heart. Same with me -- there are men who are far sexier than my husband, but none as beautiful to me. There is no unconditional love between a couple. The closest to unconditional love is between a parent and child, and even then there are or can be conditions. Unless you plan on cheating on her, don't beat yourself up over it. Just love her and accept her and support her and encourage her. Do you care about the health effects of the weight? Or is it purely aesthetic? Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 This topic has come up before and I still stand by my opinion that it's acceptable to expect a spouse to care for their health, well-being and physical appearance throughout the marriage. While we all have to understand as people age, we are more prone to putting on a few extra pounds and it becomes more difficult to keep our bodies trim, I believe that there should be a realistic expectation - both of you will gain weight as you age, however gaining excessive weight (more than thirty pounds in my opinion) can create tension in the relationship if one spouse loses attraction for another. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 I agree that it's important. But HOW you phrase your concern is important, too. I mean, calling your wife a fat doesn't accomplish anything. Saying that you care about their health and wellbeing, does. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 Truth is only useful when tact is used, in most cases. If you tell your wife bluntly that you are no longer attracted to her, then she will not see it in the cut and dried logical way that you do. Its very simple, really - you aren't physically attracted to her while she is heavy. Unfortunately, women don't see it that logically. She will be devastated - she will see the rejection of her body as a rejection of her self. There is no amount of digging in the world which will get you out of that hole. None. You will have to keep the attractiveness factor to yourself, while stressing the benefits of tackling obesity. Heart disease. High blood pressure. Diabetes. Heart Attacks. Strokes... the list goes on and on. You will also have to help her out. Your wife is well aware that she is heavy. She is probably depressed about it, but let me tell you - the last thing a depressed big girl (like myself, for instance) wants to do is get up and go exercise. You become numb - paralyzed and helpless. Depression leads to eating. Which leads to obesity. Which leads to depression. And so on. Help her break the cycle by showing support. Don't berate her or shame her into doing stuff. That just makes it worse. Be supportive. Acknowledge her feelings, physically help her - sit down with her and decide a course of action that you can both work on together. Help her research exercise options that she likes and work with. Mine turned out to be Yourself!Fitness for Xbox. For your wife, it may be the support and comfort she'll find at a local Curves workout spot. She has fallen into a hole - help her out of it, don't just shout down to her that she needs to get out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinut2234 Posted January 5, 2005 Author Share Posted January 5, 2005 I've told several times- In very delicate ways stating the health things etc.... I've never said it in a way that is mean or degrading- I've always stated I love her, but that it is getting in the way of how I feel toward her- I guess I am getting frustrated since nothing seems to work- I've tried: -Going on diets with her (even though I don't need to) - Giving up stuff on my end - Working out with her and trying to get her to go with me Nothing works- I guess that is why I am thinking the "shock" value approach of just telling her like it is may wake her up a bit- I don't mean to come across insensitive and mean-spirited.... Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 Is there something else going on besides the weight gain? Is this emotional eating? Is there maybe a food addiction? Something seems not right. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 I agree that there are far better ways to discuss the problem than to say, "Hey, honey? Did you notice that your @ss is oozing over the edge of the chair?" I'd like to know more background info. Tell us why you think she has put on weight. (Or just think about the reasons on your own.) Does she have problems with depression? Do you even know if she does or not? You say that you love her. Does she still love you or does she feel trapped? Has she had kids? How many? How long ago? Does she have a condition that may cause her to gain weight (or make it difficult to keep off), such as a thyroid problem, a surgery, etc? Is there something bothering her? Does she like herself? Are you sure of your answers? Link to post Share on other sites
katrin_k Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 Last summer I lost fifteen pounds and started getting noticably more sexual attention from my husband. I got the least attention of all when I still had babyweight. I'm going to try to stay no higher than 115(I'm only 5'3) from now on. Even marriage therapists are advising now "Don't let yourself go"............. My husband just lost a bunch of weight due to eating less and a physical labor job, and I find myself more attractive to him, and more inclined to treat him better(because he's looking so good, I bet other women have their eyes on him) We have more sex now. Since we have way too much food in our lives these days, and people are looking at food as entertainment, and all day we get new kinds of things to eat thrown at us through advertising, it's really hard to stay thin. But that doesn't change the fact that the opposite sex still has the same standards of what's attractive. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 Originally posted by skinut2234 I've told several times- In very delicate ways stating the health things etc.... I've never said it in a way that is mean or degrading- I've always stated I love her, but that it is getting in the way of how I feel toward her- I guess I am getting frustrated since nothing seems to work- I've tried: -Going on diets with her (even though I don't need to) - Giving up stuff on my end - Working out with her and trying to get her to go with me Nothing works- I guess that is why I am thinking the "shock" value approach of just telling her like it is may wake her up a bit- I don't mean to come across insensitive and mean-spirited.... If she decides that she is comfortable with herself as she is, and chooses not to diet and exercise, etc. What then? Will you leave her? Cheat? Stay and be unhappy? Learn to accept her as she is? that it is getting in the way of how I feel toward her How do you want to feel about your wife? Are you sure its only the weight that is in the way of you allowing yourself to feel how you want to about her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinut2234 Posted January 5, 2005 Author Share Posted January 5, 2005 Does she have problems with depression? Do you even know if she does or not? Not that I can see- generally happy, content person since I've known her You say that you love her. Does she still love you or does she feel trapped? Yes- I am confident she loves me- (as confident as I can be)- Has she had kids? How many? How long ago? Yes- 3.... our youngest is 4 and I never made an issue of this during those times- I expected the gain- but she used it as an excuse for a few years- Now that it's been 4 years-I am getting concerned. Does she have a condition that may cause her to gain weight (or make it difficult to keep off), such as a thyroid problem, a surgery, etc? No conditions- She just likes to eat and is a very laid back person- (borderline lazy) Is there something bothering her? Not sure- She seems generally happy- She would like more affection from me but I hold back I think because I am getting resentful- So to me- it's like a vicious circle- She does not fell compelled to lose weight until she gets my attention- I hold back since I want her to lose weight... Does she like herself? I think so- Hard to tell Are you sure of your answers? Yes Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinut2234 Posted January 5, 2005 Author Share Posted January 5, 2005 If she decides that she is comfortable with herself as she is, and chooses not to diet and exercise, etc. What then? Will you leave her? Cheat? Stay and be unhappy? Learn to accept her as she is Not sure- I don't want to leave but find myself getting more and more tempted by other women..... I work in a professional setting where I am surrounded by a lot of attractive women my age.... Most likely- I will stay and be unhappy rather than hurt feelings,- it's just my personality... How do you want to feel about your wife? Are you sure its only the weight that is in the way of you allowing yourself to feel how you want to about her? I want to WANT to be with her in both a physical sense and emotional- We have good sex but I have to initiate most of the time.. It's probably not all weight- I think that having kids, doing housework etc.... has her tired and worn down- She sees no reason to do anything and is tired all the time. She let herself go and most of the housework... I try not to bring that up and help all the time- but it gets tough after 10 hours of work myself having to clean up everyones mess every night- Maybe I loop them together- (Weight, laziness)- I guess I'm just thinking sheer shock would do something- but I think your right- I think it's irreversable....... *sigh* Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 she is tired all the time, let herself and the chores go. When did this start happening? has it been slow to progress or quick. Quick would be like a year or so. It sounds like she is depressed. Just because she is cheerful, up beat and pleasant on the outside doesn't mean she isn't depressed. I am very happy person, social, optimistic. ect.. I was depressed for years and tried suicide no one had any clue. Does she do anything for herself? Does she get out of the house. Does she has close friends. Do you fight a lot? Most likely she knows you don't find her attractive but is unable to even began to loose weight. Does she have low self esteem? I bet having three kids packing on the weight and not being able to loose it as easily as she could pre-baby has effect her self esteem. How are your diets? Carbs, sugar? How does she eat? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 Originally posted by hotgurl It sounds like she is depressed. Just because she is cheerful, up beat and pleasant on the outside doesn't mean she isn't depressed. I am very happy person, social, optimistic. ect.. I was depressed for years and tried suicide no one had any clue. This is so true - this is how I am as well. I project an image of a very cheery, talkative, witty person. I am awake early every morning, and try very VERY hard to be pleasant no matter how I feel inside because being unpleasant is unattractive. No one who talks to me would ever know I have postpartum depression and clinical depression, that I was diagnosed with last month. I just have trouble balancing my checkbook, keeping my house tidy, or motivating myself. I can also get very self-destructive - but instead of gaining weight, like most women, I stop eating when I am depressed (thus my recent weight loss). Link to post Share on other sites
thebeesknees Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 When it comes to losing weight, motivation is key. You telling her that you think she is unattractive may not motivate her and it will probably make her withdraw from you because she will feel more uncomfortable around you. Has she ever said that she feels like she needs to lose some weight? Because if she is comfortable with herself she won't be motivated to lose weight no matter what you say. Link to post Share on other sites
loudog Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 For me weight has always been an issue. All the women I have dated and the one I married all shared the same basic trait. General beauty was not an issue but physical fitness, tone, strength etc. were. To me the face is something you grow accustomed to…but you never get used to fat. Also many times overweight out of shape is either laziness or a lack of self esteem. Two things I never would accept. Generally speaking though I am not surprised how many women struggle with weight. We dine out with many couples. I am forever shocked to see women… that are half my size (I am 6’5” 245lbs football player size…think Howie Long) eat the same size meals as me. Christ most of the time I can barely finish the jumbo portions most restaurants now serve and I am big guy and a big eater! How the hell can some 5’ 125lb women eat the same portions and not gain weight. We feed dogs based upon their weight…100 lb dog eats about twice what a 40-50lb dog eats…how can people not grasp the same concept. I feel for this guy….guys are visual creatures…no matter how much love the visuals do matter. I am sure that even if he saw a valid effort being made with some progress his morale would improve. Don’t feel bad dude your feelings are not wrong but there is no easy answer. I think if nothing progresses you really need to have an honest discussion with her and hope for the best. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 I would be willing to bet your wife is depressed. Instead of telling her how unattractive she is to you, why don't you try saying "Honey, I'm concerned about you, you don't seem to be as interested in things like how you look and keeping the house looking nice as you used to." ? This way, it shows that you are concerned about her, and not just about how sexually unattractive she is to you now. I also agree that her self-esteem is probably very low. I'm sure she is aware that she is not as attractive as she used to be. I'm sure she is also aware that she isn't keeping the house nice. She may feel guilty that she isn't completely happy and satisfied being the housewife, and Mom, and this is why she doesn't come out and say she's depressed and unhappy, but intstead shows it in her eating and cleaning habits. Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 Okay skinut, I did a search because I remembered writing a long repy to someone about weight, and didn't have time to write again so I thought I'd link to it. Well you know what? That long reply was to you! I think it might be time for you and your wife to go to counseling, it seems like this has been going on for quite a while. I don't think anything is going to change until you do. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t38428/?highlight=weight Also check out marriagebuilders.com http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5502_qa.html I suspect that although she is not meeting your emotional need for physical attractiveness, you are not meeting her some of her emotional needs as well. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 Yeah, woah, you need to talk this out with someone. Obviously either something is terribly wrong, or there is a communication issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Inovermyhead Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 Skinut, WOW! Can I relate! However, I am the still thin wife, and my husband gained the weight. When we met, only 7 years ago, he was 6'2 and 190. I have since had 2 children, and am 10 pounds lighter than when we met. He is now 242 pounds. That's 52 pounds in 7 years!! We are both in our late 20s. Alot of things are different because of his weight gain. A biggie is me being less attracted to him. I have aprroached the issue in so many different ways. I told him it isn't good for his health (blood pressure bc his family has a strong hx of heart attacks, joints bc he has joint pain, and back pain). I told him he needs to be careful not to gain any more weight (he often notices how big other mens bellies are, lol), or he will look like that. So, this year, I decided on a different approach. He drinks alot of soda (maybe 5-6 cans a day), and doesn't like diet because of the aspartame. So, I had him try splenda sweetened soda. He liked it. Now, that's all he drinks. I also stopped cooking "boxed" food. It's a lot more work to make things from scratch, but, there is so much less fat. We are also buying a piece of aerobic equipment. We found a place that offered 12 months no payment/no interest. Now, it was ALOT of money, but, in my book, it was well spent. I also keep telling him what a sexy man he is, and I can't wait to see the results of his efforts. Sometimes, it's been so long since they were thin, they forget how they looked. I showed hubby my stomach, and said, see this, your stomach was JUST like this when we met. He said, no way, but, I said, BELIEVE ME, I remember the feel of your hard body. I think that helps his motivation. A little compliment can go a long way! Really, I wish you the best in this. My hubby and I need it too. Link to post Share on other sites
KissMyTiara Posted January 7, 2005 Share Posted January 7, 2005 You can avoid a direct conversation with her and (hopefully) still get results by leading by example. I know you are lean and trim, but try to make an effort to work out and prepare healthful meals, and when she asks "Hun, what's with the working out and healthful meals"? answer her plainly, "Because I want to be healthy for you and look good for you - I want you to continue to be attracted to me..." She'll get the idea and appreciate your own effort to keep HER interested. Link to post Share on other sites
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