should i go back

[looking4_hope]

My H and i have been separated for about 7 months now. Recently we have been talking and we have our good days and bad. A couple of weeks ago...he had mentioned to me about him coming to visit me. I thought it was going to happen but one minute he'd be for the trip, the next minute he'd be for a divorce, then change his mind again and tell me he'll take a trip.

It was exhausting. In one of our convos.. things got so heated that we started arguing over the phone and I told him that we needed to go to counseling. I decided to be firm with the idea because i figure if my H didn't want to work things out with me y would he even consider coming to visit me? So i went for it… I asked him "do u want counseling YES OR NO" At first he told me that counseling was pointless. (He has told me this before, at the beginning of our separation hence y i never returned) but i told him that that wasn't what i was looking for. I wanted a YES or NO answer. He continued to dance around the idea of it but i always brought him back to the question and eventually he said "yes" I was happy that he finally said he'd go. I had told him that while he was here we can go to counseling and see how that goes. Well…. i guess he got a closer look at the funds and he said he didn't have enough money to come here .. eventually.. Because of his schedule and me feeling exhausted with the up and downs.. i just decided to just not worry about him coming here. I know, i should've been more patient but with ticket prices going up and his schedule being so tight.. i figure it would be better to just forget the idea than cause another fight. He did suggest to me that he'd come at a later date (3 months later) but I felt like this was our only chance to fix things because he'd get busy with school again.

 

I admit, i was pretty disappointed. I was hurt. i told him how i thought we were going to go to counseling and he said "we can still go" ..but when i heard him say that -- it was bittersweet. I want to go to counseling with him but in order for us to go-- i'd have to fly back to him.

 

Prior to me coming back CA… our fights would get so bad. Not physically but the things he said were so painful. I don't want to feel that again, i don't want to fight with him and not have anyone to turn to. I didn't meet a lot of people there so i didn't have anyone to turn to. My MIL is there and his family but i was not close to them because i felt they were being very "fake" (one minute she would tell me she knows how her son treats me and the next minute tell her son that i was 'Immature') so i couldn't turn to them. That's why I was hoping he'd come to CA because i know he has friends here and if things were to go sour at least he'd have a place to go. I know, it sounds really selfish of me… but it seems like he's handling this a lot better than i am. I think i've made so much progress that i'm afraid if i go back there and it turns sour i'd have to go back to CA and start at square one with the depression etc.

 

Recently, i received a random text about our pets in FL I told him that i was unable to fix things for him because obviously i wasn't there and how i suggested things to him (in one of our convos i suggested flying back to FL) and i told him how he rejected that idea. I got upset because when i ask him pictures of them, he doesn't send it to me but he can tell me that they are being neglected. Well in that same convo after telling him how i was unable to do anything and my suggestions about fixing things are being rejected he says "okay here's my suggestion, you can come back and i'll just leave you alone" and since he receiving money, he told me that he'd give me that money to use it on whatever i wanted while i was in FL. I think he meant so i can gather the rest of my things and make arrangements for the pets to come with me but i'm not quite sure about y he'd mention the funds.

 

I told this to my IC because the whole time i've been here in CA he hasn't giving me any money at all and he has done this to me before with the whole $ thing. She feels this is so out of place for him to suggest something like that and She feels he's trying to get me to go back to FL… and that his lack of communication skills and massive pride is preventing him from being able to tell me.. rather he's just dancing around it hoping i make the move.

 

Also, i've noticed that he tries to make me feel guilty about moving back home to CA. He tells me that i left him and when i tell him that he told me to leave-- he tells me that he never told me how long i was supposed to go. However.. one of the things he told me during our argument as i was trying to speak to him was "i don't see you in my future." But now he says that he never told me how long i was supposed to leave. (crazy huh? I assume that meant "2 weeks vacations" were out of the picture? lol) He even tried to bring up my step kids once because i was telling him how much i cared for them and he replies "you must have not cared for that that much because you left them." Why even bother making me feel guilty for that when i thought this is what he wanted in the first place. Every time i say things like.. "don't you remember saying _______" he says "i said that out of anger and i just wanted something to change at that moment" .. and that since I left he's been having to do soooo many things on his own. Is this some defense mechanism?? and he can't admit he was wrong and take responsibility over what happened????

 

And then there are days when he says he's ok with the divorce and will eventually file for it.

 

So, here i am… wondering if he's trying to get me to come back without him having to actually say it? and if risking it and flying back to FL and going to counseling might actually help with my situation? why the guilt trips? Has anyone else gone through this with their husband/wife and came out with good results? How would you approach someone who has a difficult time communicating?

[alonefornow]

I had a look at your past posts to remind myself of your situation. I suggest you look through them too if you haven't, because to be honest with you you've posted the same thread once a month for most of your separation.

 

"My H is wishy-washy at best and doesn't answer direct questions, and downright mean and hurtful at worst. I'm unsure of what he wants because he won't tell me. I'm hurt by this, but I let him make excuses for his bad behavior."

 

I think you need to ask yourself why, after all this time, are you still trying to read between the lines of what he's saying to try and figure out what he wants. The main issue for the separation seems to be lack of communication, and it does not seem that your communication has improved. It's not your job to determine what he wants. If he wants you back in FL he can say that, if he doesn't he won't say that. And if he's unsure he'll keep stringing you along like this. The question is how long are you willing to be strung along?

[looking4_hope]

So after a conversation he did say that he wanted me to come back to fl... But today less than 48 hours later.. he tells me he doesn't want me to come back. I'm so hurt.

[2.50 a gallon]

"I'm so hurt"

 

 

That's the plan, to keep you off balance.

[looking4_hope]

 

Off balance??

[looking4_hope]

Last night, I thought "this is it..." We talked and the idea of going back to fl was out of reach. He changed his mind once again and said that he just wanted the Divorce. He said he didn't want me to go to FL at all...and that he has always been of the same path (d) and I was in "denial". I don't think I have been I mean, I have been doing me... I haven't contacted him everyday... But I figure I'd just agree And I couldn't fight it anymore and gave up. I just agreed and said my peace and told him "I really was hoping we could go to counseling here but I understand" and my phone hung up. I tried calling back but he didn't answer so I just took it and accepted it. I didn't get sleep but I did manage to get my butt to the gym and get a workout in. I wasn't expecting anything else from my H.. I figure this time it's over. Nothing more left to say. He said his peace.. And I just have to accept it.

 

Once I woke up from my nap and checked my phone my H sent me a msg saying he had time to come to Cali. Before he told me he didn't have anytime for it.. But out of no where he now says he has time. I asked him "y the change." And he said "well the last thing u told me was about counseling... And if you want to check this off the box before anything then we will go." Y take the trip to CA to do this for me when he had already said his peace? He said told me didn't want this marriage anymore but now he's willing to face my family just to "please" me??? I don't understand.

 

I guess I shouldn't of asked this question but I did.. I asked him "if there was a chance our marriage could be fixed because we're going to counseling." And he said "no, I know what I want... But I'll go to counseling with you.. There are no guarantees and there isn't a magic pill for this." (I think I broke a 180 rule there) I'm afraid he's going to use the MC counselor to convince me that we should get a divorce... But idk y now he's making the effort to travel to ca to see a counselor. The minute I agree to what he wants he gives me something I've been asking for (but I was hoping his views would be different) i begged him (another broken rule) to just give me something to work with but no he said his mind is set.

 

Now should I... Welcome him to CA... Go to MC and perhaps get some activities in with him and maybe reconnect......(he said we could go to dinner etc. he had no problems with that..) or .... Do I just say no because he said his "mind is set" and wants the divorce?

 

I figure for people who really want a divorce they wouldn't be offering their stbxw/stbxh an opportunity to go to counseling because they wanted to? If they feel it's over and there's no way out y bother? Especially if it means flying to another state. Or do they?

[2.50 a gallon]

Off balance

 

 

Come here, come hear, come here

 

 

Go away, go away, go away

 

 

Come here, come here, come here

 

 

Go away, go away, go away

 

 

What will he say tomorrow?

[Mystery2Me]

Hi Hope,

 

I am sorry you are hurting and dealing with this. Please do take 2.5 Gallon's advice, and just FREE-YOURSELF from this PREDICTABLE merry-go-round from hell.

 

I know it is diffcult when life isn't what you want, but your husband is shouting out loud who he aims to be in yourlife. He's very adolesant with this whole catch me if you can, and feeds off of emotional highs and lows.

 

Not to you hurt you, but you are choosing to stay on this roller coaster when you know the curves it will take you thru. Face it this is all this ride has to offer AND he has decided you don't get a vote in changing it. None of this makes sense to you....which is why you keep trying to make sense of the crazy behavior...INSTEAD of accepting the consistant reality he is showing you.

 

Bottom line, craziness will never make sense. It is impossible to sort out non-sense....the solution is to use your logic and just jump off the roller coaster.

 

Hope you have a better 2014 and good luck.

[TaraMaiden]

Should you go back?

 

Absolutely totally phekking not.

 

File for divorce and tell him to get his kicks elsewhere, but you need to cut the strings and not keep dancing to his tunes.