If you dont want honesty, DONT ask for my adv!ce

[kaylan]

Just a quick vent regarding a friend (call this person Z) of mine.

 

For the last several months we've gone from acquaintances to friends and talk about our personal lives with one another. Ive always been straight forward and honest with her with regard to my advice. Now all of a sudden Im told, following a recent conversation, that I should have been more sensitive and that Z only wanted to vent.

 

In reality it seems that Z could not handle that I said blame could go to both sides of her situation. And then when I told her that I just keep it real with my friends, I get told that "people say they are real as an excuse to be an azzhole sometimes". For me its like this, if you cannot handle honest opinions and advice from a friend, then dont ever talk to me about your personal life. Im not here to be a yes-man. Im here to give you realistic advice and guide you on a path thats best for you and the other person involved.

 

Personally I feel she took issue with the fact that I didnt completely side with her, and didnt seem to understand how I could sympathize or see things from the viewpoint of the other dude involved. Especially when she started laying blame to solely the guys when it came to her dating troubles her whole life. I dont let any of my friends off the hook with regard to accountability or gender blaming. Then Z tells me that she didnt ask for my advice and that she just wanted to vent. Well how am I supposed to know that? When your personal life comes it, it generally seems like you are looking for someone to give you helpful words of advice. Most of the time its you bringing it up.

 

So I guess Im supposed to just have someone talk at me if I dont agree with them? Come on now. And not for nothing, this has never been an issue with most of my friends. But the couple of times it has been a problem, its always been a girl who cant handle honest and blunt advice. If you want someone who will always think youre right and not call you out when they feel youre in the wrong, then go find some girlfriends.

 

Im sorry, but Ive learned not to use kid gloves and nod along with my friends when I think they arent doing the best thing. You may be my friend, but it doesnt mean Im gonna disregard how the people around you feel when you do things.

Edited December 25, 2013 by kaylan

[justinewong]

Well, it's one thing to be to "honest", and it's another to be an "ass". However, judging from what you said, you were just being honest. I felt your advice to her was good, and genuine. You see both side, and therefore not bias.

[Kizza]

sometimes a person just wants someone to listen and not give their opinion or guidance...

 

Unless this person specifically asked for your opinion/advice then maybe this is what they were looking for?

[No Limit]

Not every person can handle the truth very well and thinking about it the other perspective proves to be impossible for them as well. I never considered these people to ever belong to my "inner circle" to be honest.

 

Like one time, when a friend of mine decided to sleep with her Ex who she knew had a girlfriend at that time but she didn't care about her feelings at all. I told her that this behavior was pretty slutty in my opinion but she just kept quiet for a few moments and said "I won't force him to anything", pretty lame considering that male beings like her ex aren't the type that have to be persuaded to get into bed. Didn't go on about that subject though and just talked about something else, talking to a wall won't do much I'm afraid.

 

Be yourself. If straight forward and honesty is one of your qualities, your environment will have to deal with it. Pretty sure you'd have noticed by now if everyone hated you for it, seems to me it's just that person.

[preraph]

I had a friend that did that "I don't want your advice thing" after several years of telling me her personal life and seeking validation. I didn't appreciate it. I mean, if you're coming to me with a problem and all you want is a sounding board, then keep a journal!! You can't expect people to just listen without expressing an opinion. That's not a two-way conversation. I'm not here to absorb your pain. I'm going to advocate you fix it if I have a clue how to do that. Don't let her shut you up. If you two can't get along anymore on a two-way street, then it's time to part ways.

[justinewong]

Kizza has a point. sometimes people just want to vent because they already know the problem, or the ways to fix it. It's human nature. Whenever there's something bad about them, they vent it out or counter it with venom. It's human's way of protecting their confidence.

[Woggle]

Some people just can't handle the truth.

[Woggle]

Truth without kindness is cruelty. Sometimes brutal honesty is just plain brutal and not everyone who shares a personal problem is looking for an opinion or advice.

 

I used to have a friend who would say very rude things to people and then accuse them of not being able to handle the truth. She told me that I needed a makeover because I didn't know how to dress for my body. I never asked for her opinion, but she made a snarky remark anyway. I just told this woman that I would rather not dress in a revealing manner, because I did not want to attract the wrong kind of attention. She dressed like a ghetto slut and then complained that men didn't respect her.

 

When I was having problems with my husband while we were dating, this same woman told me that I didn't deserve to have a good man.

 

I recently cut off a "friend" for making nasty comments and then referring to her words as "constructive criticism." I don't think there is anything constructive about telling a friend to "get over it" when she talks about painful regrets. I also do not see what is constructive about saying that a friend is just "seeking attention" when she shares personal traumas. It is very hard for me to open up to people, so when I get responses like that from someone who is supposed to be a friend, I don't feel very good about that.

 

When a friend is venting, listen more than you talk. Do not give advice unless they ask what you think. When you give advice, try to be mindful of their feelings or else you could find yourself without friends.

 

I actually thank the people on here and a few offline for their brutal honesty when I came close to throwing away my marriage. I needed to hear the blunt honest truth. Sometimes you have to give some tough love.

[kaylan]

Not every person can handle the truth very well and thinking about it the other perspective proves to be impossible for them as well. I never considered these people to ever belong to my "inner circle" to be honest.

 

Like one time, when a friend of mine decided to sleep with her Ex who she knew had a girlfriend at that time but she didn't care about her feelings at all. I told her that this behavior was pretty slutty in my opinion but she just kept quiet for a few moments and said "I won't force him to anything", pretty lame considering that male beings like her ex aren't the type that have to be persuaded to get into bed. Didn't go on about that subject though and just talked about something else, talking to a wall won't do much I'm afraid.

 

Be yourself. If straight forward and honesty is one of your qualities, your environment will have to deal with it. Pretty sure you'd have noticed by now if everyone hated you for it, seems to me it's just that person.

I def couldnt be friends with a person who was selfish like this. im hoping my friend never goes down the selfish road.

[Elias33]

Keep doing what you're doing. This type of honesty is a valuable thing. Some people take advice way too personal. I love it when I get honest feedback that doesn't necessarily align with my reasoning. Why even talk to people if you expect agreement on everything?

[Eggplant]

Then Z tells me that she didnt ask for my advice and that she just wanted to vent. Well how am I supposed to know that? When your personal life comes it, it generally seems like you are looking for someone to give you helpful words of advice. Most of the time its you bringing it up.

A common source of misunderstanding between men and women: women vent to feel better, not to make any progress on the actual problem. When men try to fix the problem, they are fixing the wrong problem (the actual problem was she was in a bad mood and needed the listener to put her in a good mood).

[kaylan]

A common source of misunderstanding between men and women: women vent to feel better, not to make any progress on the actual problem. When men try to fix the problem, they are fixing the wrong problem (the actual problem was she was in a bad mood and needed the listener to put her in a good mood).

Actually, she didnt want a listener. She has no problem with my advice when it agreed with her viewpoint. As soon as any advice become critical of her selfish behavior, all of a sudden it became "I did not ask for your advice"

[Kate9292]

I think she wanted you to nod along, tell her that sucks and hug her. What's wrong with that?

 

Would probably make her feel better. Don't you want your friends to feel good around you?

[Yasuandio]

In my opinion, you provided excellent advice to the young lady. As the consensus suggests, she only wants to hear what she wants to hear.

 

I wish my friend to me the truth about my sudden weight gain some years past - but she remained mum. I know hearing the truth at the time would have been painful - but I think it may have helped save my dignity, (and possibly comprehend why my husband felt no attraction towards me - cause I didn't realize how fat I'd gotten, I just didn' get it). (It was related to medications for drpression/anxiety.) She has no problem telling me now "you were huge back then!" Of course, I'm slender and divorced now, so I guess she feels safe to be honest about it.

 

I cannot recall where I heard this quote recently (maybe it was one of those CSI shows).

 

"A true friend stabs you in the front."

 

Yas

[Tayla]

Sometimes we learn thru retrospect.

Use of words can be empowering or deterring. I sense the use of the terminology played a key role in the re-action. First fray from stating "blame". Its use is to create shame and discord. Instead try the term accountability. Its more mature and worthwhile. Secondly as someone stated, friends aren't always having to add their two cents in a judgmental way. One can state things objectively and with an empathetic view to BOTH sides. Its called a clear perspective. A true friend knows how to "honestly" hold tongue and say nothing when its final results is hurt feelings or the results are damaging. Be impartial if at all possible.

[kaylan]

I think she wanted you to nod along, tell her that sucks and hug her. What's wrong with that?

 

Would probably make her feel better. Don't you want your friends to feel good around you?

Im not going to lie to a friend if their actions may harm someone else.

[Tayla]

Not sure the poster was telling you to lie unless you feel that listening equates to agreeing. Listening is much easier when comprehending is kept and silence is in order.

[Blade96]

Hi Kaylan,

 

This happens on fb also. I have had a fb friend say how she wants to have children. Then, in her status, she mentioned Oh a long list of health problems, a lot of which can be hereditary. When I said maybe she might wanna check with a doctor or something about those things before deciding to get pregnant, she cussed me out, called me an ******* and blocked and unfriended me.

 

Another bitch is the daughter of my cousin's bf of decades. She loved me as a child and teen. Then she got pregnant and made a status one day about how she was losing all her friend because she got pregnant. Now as someone who isn't fussy about babies and toddlers and somewhat backed off from my best friends because they have 1, I thought I could give an insight into what these people might be thinking and feeling. Next thing I knew she also cussed me out, and unfriended and blocked me.

 

If all you want is yes people just say that and don't make a status for the general public!! If you don't want opinions don't friggin post your info out there !! The pregnant girl only wanted oh waaaa pitty me party. So did the other girl. Well do not come to me for it! Or post on fb if you don't want comments!!!