Got her back: what worked.

[Trace79]

Hey, just thought I'd give back and share what exactly it was that got my girl back after she said she needed space. Most of the advice I came across here was NCR and just move on and give up. IF she ever comes back you're one of the lucky ones...that's it generally speaking.

If you want to read the thread of what happened you can find it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/449866-space-right-before-xmas

 

First off, we did not have some major fight or big blow out. No one really 'messed up.' She was faced with something she needed to think about and also started to feel the pressure. she needed to back off for a bit.

The biggest problem that I was contributing to the relationship was I had developed a sense of dependance on the relationship to now bring me happiness. Historically speaking, I have never had problems getting women. In the beginning, I am confident and it shows. Women respond in a positive manner to that. [btw, there's a difference between cocky and confident...learn it if you haven't already.] But where I often went wrong once I found someone I really enjoyed being with, I became dependent on her emotional output in order for me to be happy. This shows weakness, neediness, and a lack of strength and confidence. Women want a man. They want a man that is secure in themselves so that they can feel secure in the relationship and FEEL [women like to 'feel' so learn that guys,] like a woman. What I was doing was showing insecurity in myself if I sensed a problem or that maybe she wasn't happy. HUGE turn off guys. So if you're doing this in the relationship knock it out fast! You're slowly pushing your girl away.

Once we were taking a break the NCR applied but I did more than mope. I was productive and took the time to find out what it was I was actually doing. I used the time wisely [something we often can't do when IN the relationship,] and googled, youtubed, came here to the forums, even dropped $300 on a 11 hour lecture on how to be a man and understand women. During that time, I recognized the problem and just had to wait for her to come back to me. She did in a few days by testing the waters via sending a message. I responded briefly but in that short text I planted the seed by letting her know I was doing well and being proactive. After a few more days she opened back up and we had our first Skype video call in over a week. I wasn't nervous at all. I had learned what my mistake was and I knew what I had to do and what she needed to see. I was NOT sad, mopy, depressed. She later expressed she was worried about me and that that's how I would be...something she did not want to come back to. I was jovial, made her laugh, kept it light and put her at ease. I definitely employed some of the conversation skills in what I learned about how women react to their man. Later, we talked and I told her that I had been reading some books and researching the root cause of my insecurity. It jsut came natural in the conversation [her and I do have really good conversation and are very honest.] She said that she was "very impressed" that I had gone this far and had been so proactive...she wasn't expecting it at all. In the same conversation I waited for her to say it, and she did; she told me she missed me, was blowing kisses, and right before we said goodnight she said ILY. WAIT for THEM to say this IF they give you a chance to talk to them again. Do not pressure them.

Well, it's been a couple days now. Last night I got to watch her open her presents on skype and she expressed again how happy she is and is still blown away at what I had done. She even said that she feels better NOW than she did before because we overcame this obstacle which, to her, has never been done before.

So, what you really need to do is learn how to be a man, have confidence in yourself, never lose that in the relationship ever. And a HUGE tip [and the only way to achieve that really,] you HAVE to be secure in yourself with, or without her. This is the only way. She will sense it and if you can't live without her then the relationship becomes your life energy flow and steals energy from her. SHE has to man up because you're the one acting like a little girl all the sudden. It upsets the basic flow of male/female energy. It's hard, but you were okay before you met her, you have to know that you WILL move on and be okay if she leaves you. Know this [and this is what really helped me during this hard time of worry,] IF you are doing EVERYTHING you can, you are showing her the kind of man you can be for her giving unconditional love [learn how to love; following like a puppy isn't love,] and you're willing to go through it thick and thin; if she doesn't want you after you have shown her that you are all that and you do it with strength and not weakness...then screw it. It was never meant to be and all that hope and dreaminess you were doing was all an illusion. There will be someone else that WILL dig all that that you can be.

Btw, researching and being proactive was immensely therapeutic. Having optimism and knowing I was doing all I could...plus finding out the root cause of the problem restored my individual confidence which spilled back in to my relationship.

 

I really hope this can help a few people...even if it helps just one person have peace of mind. Best of luck to all of you.

 

**Side note: If you want to listen to afew guys that know women and you can learn from, youtube Coach Corey Wayne. He has tons of youtube vids where he answers emails and is pretty funny. I bought his ebook and it's easy to ready, you will learn some valuable stuff in it. As far as that $300 lecture I bought; it is by Dan Bacon and his website is themodernman dot com. I learned a bit in it for sure. It was expensive but a lot of the material I personally already knew and some of it was in the book I already bought. If you are HORRIBLE with women and can't barely get numbers this guy is your guy...doesn't matter if you're not Brad Pitt, he will up your game and teach you about women. Not trying to promote either but like I said, watching and reading all about this stuff was very therapeutic in a time of duress. Plus, this was the most valuable source of information I came across. Not saying they are the best, I'm sure there is better stuff out there, but I learned a lot.

Edited December 25, 2013 by Trace79

[looneymalooney]

It's great to know you got her back. Probably she wasn't intending to leave you anyway. She just had a bad time and you reacted OK by understanding and giving her space instead of losing your mind and cutting it off completely. That was the proof she needed that you might be her man. You supported her and let her know you got her back. You also let her know you understand there might be a problem in you too...

[looneymalooney]

"What I was doing was showing insecurity in myself if I sensed a problem or that maybe she wasn't happy"

 

 

Can you explain this a bit though ?!

 

 

*sorry i have no idea how to quote just parts of the the text. I just got my account...

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Hey, just thought I'd give back and share what exactly it was that got my girl back after she said she needed space. Most of the advice I came across here was NCR and just move on and give up. IF she ever comes back you're one of the lucky ones...that's it generally speaking.

If you want to read the thread of what happened you can find it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/449866-space-right-before-xmas

 

First off, we did not have some major fight or big blow out. No one really 'messed up.' She was faced with something she needed to think about and also started to feel the pressure. she needed to back off for a bit.

The biggest problem that I was contributing to the relationship was I had developed a sense of dependance on the relationship to now bring me happiness. Historically speaking, I have never had problems getting women. In the beginning, I am confident and it shows. Women respond in a positive manner to that. [btw, there's a difference between cocky and confident...learn it if you haven't already.] But where I often went wrong once I found someone I really enjoyed being with, I became dependent on her emotional output in order for me to be happy. This shows weakness, neediness, and a lack of strength and confidence. Women want a man. They want a man that is secure in themselves so that they can feel secure in the relationship and FEEL [women like to 'feel' so learn that guys,] like a woman. What I was doing was showing insecurity in myself if I sensed a problem or that maybe she wasn't happy. HUGE turn off guys. So if you're doing this in the relationship knock it out fast! You're slowly pushing your girl away.

Once we were taking a break the NCR applied but I did more than mope. I was productive and took the time to find out what it was I was actually doing. I used the time wisely [something we often can't do when IN the relationship,] and googled, youtubed, came here to the forums, even dropped $300 on a 11 hour lecture on how to be a man and understand women. During that time, I recognized the problem and just had to wait for her to come back to me. She did in a few days by testing the waters via sending a message. I responded briefly but in that short text I planted the seed by letting her know I was doing well and being proactive. After a few more days she opened back up and we had our first Skype video call in over a week. I wasn't nervous at all. I had learned what my mistake was and I knew what I had to do and what she needed to see. I was NOT sad, mopy, depressed. She later expressed she was worried about me and that that's how I would be...something she did not want to come back to. I was jovial, made her laugh, kept it light and put her at ease. I definitely employed some of the conversation skills in what I learned about how women react to their man. Later, we talked and I told her that I had been reading some books and researching the root cause of my insecurity. It jsut came natural in the conversation [her and I do have really good conversation and are very honest.] She said that she was "very impressed" that I had gone this far and had been so proactive...she wasn't expecting it at all. In the same conversation I waited for her to say it, and she did; she told me she missed me, was blowing kisses, and right before we said goodnight she said ILY. WAIT for THEM to say this IF they give you a chance to talk to them again. Do not pressure them.

Well, it's been a couple days now. Last night I got to watch her open her presents on skype and she expressed again how happy she is and is still blown away at what I had done. She even said that she feels better NOW than she did before because we overcame this obstacle which, to her, has never been done before.

So, what you really need to do is learn how to be a man, have confidence in yourself, never lose that in the relationship ever. And a HUGE tip [and the only way to achieve that really,] you HAVE to be secure in yourself with, or without her. This is the only way. She will sense it and if you can't live without her then the relationship becomes your life energy flow and steals energy from her. SHE has to man up because you're the one acting like a little girl all the sudden. It upsets the basic flow of male/female energy. It's hard, but you were okay before you met her, you have to know that you WILL move on and be okay if she leaves you. Know this [and this is what really helped me during this hard time of worry,] IF you are doing EVERYTHING you can, you are showing her the kind of man you can be for her giving unconditional love [learn how to love; following like a puppy isn't love,] and you're willing to go through it thick and thin; if she doesn't want you after you have shown her that you are all that and you do it with strength and not weakness...then screw it. It was never meant to be and all that hope and dreaminess you were doing was all an illusion. There will be someone else that WILL dig all that that you can be.

Btw, researching and being proactive was immensely therapeutic. Having optimism and knowing I was doing all I could...plus finding out the root cause of the problem restored my individual confidence which spilled back in to my relationship.

 

I really hope this can help a few people...even if it helps just one person have peace of mind. Best of luck to all of you.

 

**Side note: If you want to listen to afew guys that know women and you can learn from, youtube Coach Corey Wayne. He has tons of youtube vids where he answers emails and is pretty funny. I bought his ebook and it's easy to ready, you will learn some valuable stuff in it. As far as that $300 lecture I bought; it is by Dan Bacon and his website is themodernman dot com. I learned a bit in it for sure. It was expensive but a lot of the material I personally already knew and some of it was in the book I already bought. If you are HORRIBLE with women and can't barely get numbers this guy is your guy...doesn't matter if you're not Brad Pitt, he will up your game and teach you about women. Not trying to promote either but like I said, watching and reading all about this stuff was very therapeutic in a time of duress. Plus, this was the most valuable source of information I came across. Not saying they are the best, I'm sure there is better stuff out there, but I learned a lot.

 

While I'm glad you are one of the VERY rare ones that it actually happened (though you guys REALLY didnt break up),you only "broke up" for what like a week? What changed between you two? What problems were really resolved? It sounds like you guys split, you paid whatever amount of money to get advice and thats fine....but it just sounds like the pain of the holidays took control and she missed the time with you. I would tread ULTRA careful man because I honestly dont think really anything was resolved. Hope I'm wrong, but I've seen it too many times.

 

For new users reading this, yes reconciliations CAN happen no one is saying they dont, but they are super rare and only happen when BOTH PARTIES MOVE FORWARD. Just letting that be known before way too much is read into this thread.

[Trace79]

"What I was doing was showing insecurity in myself if I sensed a problem or that maybe she wasn't happy"

 

 

Can you explain this a bit though?

I'll give a few examples: One time she slept in really late and broke our usual habit of daily talks at a certain time. I didn't flip out but I did tell her it made me wonder what she was doing. This was very early on, like in the first few weeks. She told me she didn't like that I was suspicious and I knew that I was dragging previous relationship baggage in to this one. Next example, I expressed insecurity by questioning if she ever had feelings or wonder about a male friend of hers that is coming to visit. Later, I expressed sadness when I could tell she wasn't as verbal or expressive of her feelings for a few days. By allowing the relationship to get me down, it told her subconscious that I depended on her happiness in the relationship for me to be happy. That is when she said she felt too much pressure and needed a break.

A confident man doesn't do this. He will allow his girl to wonder off if she does. Women need some time to themselves here and there. They are like cats. They'll size you up, constantly test you, and wonder around but they usually come back as long as they respect you and feel your strength. A good man is like a strong rock to most women...he gives her a sense of security and safety in the relationship so that they can go about their business and when they FEEL like it, they come to him for affection and reassurance. If you reverse that role by chasing her and following like a sad puppy, you lost/are losing her respect.

 

While I'm glad you are one of the VERY rare ones that it actually happened (though you guys REALLY didnt break up),you only "broke up" for what like a week? What changed between you two? What problems were really resolved? It sounds like you guys split, you paid whatever amount of money to get advice and thats fine....but it just sounds like the pain of the holidays took control and she missed the time with you. I would tread ULTRA careful man because I honestly dont think really anything was resolved. Hope I'm wrong, but I've seen it too many times.

 

For new users reading this, yes reconciliations CAN happen no one is saying they dont, but they are super rare and only happen when BOTH PARTIES MOVE FORWARD. Just letting that be known before way too much is read into this thread.

Your'e right, we didn't break up. But it was enough for me to get my **** in gear. What changed was that if you read my OP in the link I provided you'll see I made her feel uncomfortable on accident. This caused her to pull away for a short time, and when she did that, I reacted by following and getting all pussified...I kicked that behavior to the curb quick. My behavior was the problem. I had become dependent on the relationship for my happiness and she sensed it. It put too much pressure on her and I was starting to lose her respect in me as a man. It had nothing to do with the holidays.

And you are right about the second part. A relationship takes work and it is dependent on BOTH parties moving forward just like you said. If you are moving forward and trying to work through problems but the other isn't, then that person simply isn't ready for what you have to offer and it's time to move on.

[innocentbutterfly]

While I'm glad you are one of the VERY rare ones that it actually happened (though you guys REALLY didnt break up),you only "broke up" for what like a week? What changed between you two? What problems were really resolved? It sounds like you guys split, you paid whatever amount of money to get advice and thats fine....but it just sounds like the pain of the holidays took control and she missed the time with you. I would tread ULTRA careful man because I honestly dont think really anything was resolved. Hope I'm wrong, but I've seen it too many times.

 

For new users reading this, yes reconciliations CAN happen no one is saying they dont, but they are super rare and only happen when BOTH PARTIES MOVE FORWARD. Just letting that be known before way too much is read into this thread.

 

I've said the same thing in his old thread, because my relationship was to almost last dot the same, same fights, also LDR, me being how he is, reversed I know but not much different. And in the end it turned out nothing was ever really fixed, fights built in the end and last strike was learning things from past, so if I were him I wouldn't call this a relationship and love until they meet. It's better safe than sorry.

 

I'll give a few examples: One time she slept in really late and broke our usual habit of daily talks at a certain time. I didn't flip out but I did tell her it made me wonder what she was doing. This was very early on, like in the first few weeks. She told me she didn't like that I was suspicious and I knew that I was dragging previous relationship baggage in to this one. Next example, I expressed insecurity by questioning if she ever had feelings or wonder about a male friend of hers that is coming to visit. Later, I expressed sadness when I could tell she wasn't as verbal or expressive of her feelings for a few days. By allowing the relationship to get me down, it told her subconscious that I depended on her happiness in the relationship for me to be happy. That is when she said she felt too much pressure and needed a break.

A confident man doesn't do this. He will allow his girl to wonder off if she does. Women need some time to themselves here and there. They are like cats. They'll size you up, constantly test you, and wonder around but they usually come back as long as they respect you and feel your strength. A good man is like a strong rock to most women...he gives her a sense of security and safety in the relationship so that they can go about their business and when they FEEL like it, they come to him for affection and reassurance. If you reverse that role by chasing her and following like a sad puppy, you lost/are losing her respect.

 

 

Your'e right, we didn't break up. But it was enough for me to get my **** in gear. What changed was that if you read my OP in the link I provided you'll see I made her feel uncomfortable on accident. This caused her to pull away for a short time, and when she did that, I reacted by following and getting all pussified...I kicked that behavior to the curb quick. My behavior was the problem. I had become dependent on the relationship for my happiness and she sensed it. It put too much pressure on her and I was starting to lose her respect in me as a man. It had nothing to do with the holidays.

And you are right about the second part. A relationship takes work and it is dependent on BOTH parties moving forward just like you said. If you are moving forward and trying to work through problems but the other isn't, then that person simply isn't ready for what you have to offer and it's time to move on.

 

All the things you said you said to her, like I'd be reading myself, I was doing the same things and believe me, IT IS NOT WRONG! they manipulate you, always thinking it's your fault, then they break you. I dont say she will do that to you, but that to me is a red alert enough, you will never be able to tell her if something doesnt feel 100% ok to you, because she will take it as a fight. My ex did that to me all the time and made me feel miserable after every fight. Making me apologize and fix us even when it wasn't my turn to apologize at all (or he would leave it at that and never talk to me again - EGO)!

 

About the moving forward part I think you misunderstood. That poster said that reconcilations do happen, can happen, but after both parties have moved on, meaning after a considerate amount of time after break up. As a 'fresh start' which in a way isn't, but anyway...correct me if I'm wrong OP of this post.

Edited December 26, 2013 by innocentbutterfly

[somedude81]

Who first reached out to the other, you or her?

[Trace79]

My ex did that to me all the time and made me feel miserable after every fight. Making me apologize and fix us even when it wasn't my turn to apologize at all

 

I wouldn't ever apologize for something I didn't do. One reason women do this is they are testing the spine of the man. It's a classic test of women and I've been subjected to this many times from other women than the one I have now. If you cave, then you fail. They look at it as a sign of a passive man and lose respect for you. Trust, I had one bitch of an ex and I was trying everything, but she could care less. I finally told her F' it! You don't want me, fine, I've done everything and if it's not good enough dueces. And I meant it...well guess what she did..she started chasing ME. I had total control from that point on...never gave her the control back or treated her like she wanted to. I eventually had enough of getting her bak and left permanently.

Women that do this aren't worth it point being.

 

Who first reached out to the other, you or her?

 

She did.

 

All relationships are different and there are no "do this and this will happen," guarantees. I was simply trying to offer a little bit of positivity and share my experience. I'm not looking to be consoled or warned. No one here will ever know the intricate details of any other relationship. To 'assume' you do would be inaccurate. In fact, most of the advice here is being given are by people that are battle-torn and scared emotionally. Many people will carry their emotional baggage with them their whole lives, and especially when offering advice to others. Take everything with a grain of salt. Peace!

Edited December 26, 2013 by Trace79

[hermitinator]

Hey, just thought I'd give back and share what exactly it was that got my girl back after she said she needed space. Most of the advice I came across here was NCR and just move on and give up. IF she ever comes back you're one of the lucky ones...that's it generally speaking.

If you want to read the thread of what happened you can find it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/449866-space-right-before-xmas

 

First off, we did not have some major fight or big blow out. No one really 'messed up.' She was faced with something she needed to think about and also started to feel the pressure. she needed to back off for a bit.

The biggest problem that I was contributing to the relationship was I had developed a sense of dependance on the relationship to now bring me happiness. Historically speaking, I have never had problems getting women. In the beginning, I am confident and it shows. Women respond in a positive manner to that. [btw, there's a difference between cocky and confident...learn it if you haven't already.] But where I often went wrong once I found someone I really enjoyed being with, I became dependent on her emotional output in order for me to be happy. This shows weakness, neediness, and a lack of strength and confidence. Women want a man. They want a man that is secure in themselves so that they can feel secure in the relationship and FEEL [women like to 'feel' so learn that guys,] like a woman. What I was doing was showing insecurity in myself if I sensed a problem or that maybe she wasn't happy. HUGE turn off guys. So if you're doing this in the relationship knock it out fast! You're slowly pushing your girl away.

Once we were taking a break the NCR applied but I did more than mope. I was productive and took the time to find out what it was I was actually doing. I used the time wisely [something we often can't do when IN the relationship,] and googled, youtubed, came here to the forums, even dropped $300 on a 11 hour lecture on how to be a man and understand women. During that time, I recognized the problem and just had to wait for her to come back to me. She did in a few days by testing the waters via sending a message. I responded briefly but in that short text I planted the seed by letting her know I was doing well and being proactive. After a few more days she opened back up and we had our first Skype video call in over a week. I wasn't nervous at all. I had learned what my mistake was and I knew what I had to do and what she needed to see. I was NOT sad, mopy, depressed. She later expressed she was worried about me and that that's how I would be...something she did not want to come back to. I was jovial, made her laugh, kept it light and put her at ease. I definitely employed some of the conversation skills in what I learned about how women react to their man. Later, we talked and I told her that I had been reading some books and researching the root cause of my insecurity. It jsut came natural in the conversation [her and I do have really good conversation and are very honest.] She said that she was "very impressed" that I had gone this far and had been so proactive...she wasn't expecting it at all. In the same conversation I waited for her to say it, and she did; she told me she missed me, was blowing kisses, and right before we said goodnight she said ILY. WAIT for THEM to say this IF they give you a chance to talk to them again. Do not pressure them.

Well, it's been a couple days now. Last night I got to watch her open her presents on skype and she expressed again how happy she is and is still blown away at what I had done. She even said that she feels better NOW than she did before because we overcame this obstacle which, to her, has never been done before.

So, what you really need to do is learn how to be a man, have confidence in yourself, never lose that in the relationship ever. And a HUGE tip [and the only way to achieve that really,] you HAVE to be secure in yourself with, or without her. This is the only way. She will sense it and if you can't live without her then the relationship becomes your life energy flow and steals energy from her. SHE has to man up because you're the one acting like a little girl all the sudden. It upsets the basic flow of male/female energy. It's hard, but you were okay before you met her, you have to know that you WILL move on and be okay if she leaves you. Know this [and this is what really helped me during this hard time of worry,] IF you are doing EVERYTHING you can, you are showing her the kind of man you can be for her giving unconditional love [learn how to love; following like a puppy isn't love,] and you're willing to go through it thick and thin; if she doesn't want you after you have shown her that you are all that and you do it with strength and not weakness...then screw it. It was never meant to be and all that hope and dreaminess you were doing was all an illusion. There will be someone else that WILL dig all that that you can be.

Btw, researching and being proactive was immensely therapeutic. Having optimism and knowing I was doing all I could...plus finding out the root cause of the problem restored my individual confidence which spilled back in to my relationship.

 

I really hope this can help a few people...even if it helps just one person have peace of mind. Best of luck to all of you.

 

**Side note: If you want to listen to afew guys that know women and you can learn from, youtube Coach Corey Wayne. He has tons of youtube vids where he answers emails and is pretty funny. I bought his ebook and it's easy to ready, you will learn some valuable stuff in it. As far as that $300 lecture I bought; it is by Dan Bacon and his website is themodernman dot com. I learned a bit in it for sure. It was expensive but a lot of the material I personally already knew and some of it was in the book I already bought. If you are HORRIBLE with women and can't barely get numbers this guy is your guy...doesn't matter if you're not Brad Pitt, he will up your game and teach you about women. Not trying to promote either but like I said, watching and reading all about this stuff was very therapeutic in a time of duress. Plus, this was the most valuable source of information I came across. Not saying they are the best, I'm sure there is better stuff out there, but I learned a lot.

 

 

 

I understand that you are trying to help others in getting a woman back in their lives that they had in the first place taken for granted, but there is no 'formula' to gain a woman back. She isn't someone that you can possess. There aren't any universal "rules" that assist foolish men in gaining back what they took for granted in the first place.

 

 

As a woman, I find how you approach women insulting, as if we are a car to be possessed and there is a technique to get the "perfect woman / car".

 

 

Like there are many ways as to love, there are many reasons of why a woman will not go back to you, even if you did everything "right". If your ex does not go back to you, it isn't because you didn't follow the formula and shouldn't blame that you are doing something wrong or become defensive because you feel you did everything right.

Edited December 26, 2013 by hermitinator

[somedude81]

 

 

She did.

 

All relationships are different and there are no "do this and this will happen," guarantees. I was simply trying to offer a little bit of positivity and share my experience. I'm not looking to be consoled or warned. No one here will ever know the intricate details of any other relationship. To 'assume' you do would be inaccurate. In fact, most of the advice here is being given are by people that are battle-torn and scared emotionally. Many people will carry their emotional baggage with them their whole lives, and especially when offering advice to others. Take everything with a grain of salt. Peace!

The reason I asked is because it's a good sign when the dumper reaches out.

 

I don't know if my ex will ever contact me again. I'll give her some time, but I do want to try and GE her back.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

I wouldn't ever apologize for something I didn't do. One reason women do this is they are testing the spine of the man. It's a classic test of women and I've been subjected to this many times from other women than the one I have now. If you cave, then you fail. They look at it as a sign of a passive man and lose respect for you. Trust, I had one bitch of an ex and I was trying everything, but she could care less. I finally told her F' it! You don't want me, fine, I've done everything and if it's not good enough dueces. And I meant it...well guess what she did..she started chasing ME. I had total control from that point on...never gave her the control back or treated her like she wanted to. I eventually had enough of getting her bak and left permanently.

Women that do this aren't worth it point being.

 

 

 

She did.

 

All relationships are different and there are no "do this and this will happen," guarantees. I was simply trying to offer a little bit of positivity and share my experience. I'm not looking to be consoled or warned. No one here will ever know the intricate details of any other relationship. To 'assume' you do would be inaccurate. In fact, most of the advice here is being given are by people that are battle-torn and scared emotionally. Many people will carry their emotional baggage with them their whole lives, and especially when offering advice to others. Take everything with a grain of salt. Peace!

 

Oh really??? So, youve been on here for what two weeks, and you have this figured out huh? You can speak for me and everyone else right? All of us are speaking from "battle-torn and scared emotionally" correct? I take HIGH offense to that. Well, I'll tell you what relationship guru, you wasted more than 300 of your hard earned cash because everything you "learned" from these books didnt even apply to your situation and things that have been said on here for at LEAST this past year because Ive been here. You had a disagreement and "Broke up" for a week. Thats not even a breakup there hoss. What you did was have a slight reprieve on a very long distance relationship.

 

None of us ever assumed a damn thing. It was a friendly suggestion and NO reason to be put on blast.

 

You have so much to learn about relationships and you think because you paid a good amount of cash from some relationship "expert" that his word is right and all of us are chopped liver is an insult to me and some of the longer members of this community.

 

Dont let the door hit you where the good lord split you. I'm done talking on this thread.

Edited December 26, 2013 by ConfusedHumanBeing

[Trace79]

Oh really??? So, youve been on here for what two weeks, and you have this figured out huh? You can speak for me and everyone else right? All of us are speaking from "battle-torn and scared emotionally" correct? I take HIGH offense to that. Well, I'll tell you what relationship guru, you wasted more than 300 of your hard earned cash because everything you "learned" from these books didnt even apply to your situation and things that have been said on here for at LEAST this past year because Ive been here. You had a disagreement and "Broke up" for a week. Thats not even a breakup there hoss. What you did was have a slight reprieve on a very long distance relationship.

 

None of us ever assumed a damn thing. It was a friendly suggestion and NO reason to be put on blast.

 

You have so much to learn about relationships and you think because you paid a good amount of cash from some relationship "expert" that his word is right and all of us are chopped liver is an insult to me and some of the longer members of this community.

 

Dont let the door hit you where the good lord split you. I'm done talking on this thread.

 

Never once said I was speaking for "everyone," nor did I say I have it all figured out. I wasn't pointing the finger at any one person either. BUT, if you feel I was talking to you, or you think the shoe fits, by all means wear it. Also, I never said we broke up...someone else used those words. I said what happened she needed space..."hoss" lol.

Regarding my hard earned cash, I'll say again that I learned some, and most I already knew...never once said it saved my relationship alone. Nor did I ever say that guy was a relationship expert.

 

You really seem to twist words around to an extreme degree. Trolling these forums for years and still are putting words in other peoples mouths...shame on you. I'm not going to apologize for your defensive stance or making you feel you needed to rant. That is obviously an issue that's within you because I didn't do or say about 90% of the crap you listed. No wonder you've been here for so long.

 

You were right about one thing, I've been on this site for very little time and haven't read up on everything here...not even close to it. But what I did read was a lot of negativity and "do this," or, "she's gone." People don't know nearly as much as they claim so if my situation helps someone else gather the nerve to go against what they want to try and do by reaching out or following like a puppy, then may I pay it back.

 

As for the rest of you, I'm no expert, never said I was. But I have learned a lot, still am. What I did has given me a second chance and that's all I can ask for at this moment. Worrying about the future or if it'll last would be going against everything I just learned in the first place. Getting a second chance is all some of us would really want with the right person...hope I was able to help a few of you.

[strive]

I'm glad you were able to turn your relationship around and I hope you guys last a long time. It's great to see someone be proactive about bettering themselves. I guess at the end of the day, all of us here just want to be better people, whether we're in a relationship or not.

 

Kudos to you!

[reddragon588]

The reason I asked is because it's a good sign when the dumper reaches out.

 

I don't know if my ex will ever contact me again. I'll give her some time, but I do want to try and GE her back.

 

Why? There are millions of women out there, why are you trying for the one that doesn't want you?

[notthathard]

Good job dude, you worked on yourself in little time. You found the problem that was causing the relationship to break down.

 

I personally think this is a large percentage of females breaking up with males causes. Some men just don't know how to act like a man anymore. As the book/video course probably stated this is due to the society we live in with TV/Movies/News Papers/Magazines/THEIR MOM's. Its not primarily the mans fault, but they need to snap out of it.

 

Good luck in the future with you two.

 

*I actually wanted to invite you to a closed off online community which I think you will benefit from, but I'm unable to send you a private message yet as you don't have enough posts. If you ever get enough posts PM me (this is not for anyone else so don't PM me if your not Trace79)

Edited December 26, 2013 by notthathard

[hermitinator]

 

You were right about one thing, I've been on this site for very little time and haven't read up on everything here...not even close to it. But what I did read was a lot of negativity and "do this," or, "she's gone." People don't know nearly as much as they claim so if my situation helps someone else gather the nerve to go against what they want to try and do by reaching out or following like a puppy, then may I pay it back.

 

.

 

 

 

I agree with this statement. I understand the context of why people religiously follow the NC rule, but there is no need to sabotage a person's outlook of who they want to be with if they want to try again with their ex-girlfriend. It's okay if you want to try again. Afresh. Anew. It doesn't mean you are "weak". It only means you know who you want to be with. Not all relationships fall apart in a tornado fight; sometimes it happens brashly and both people still have strong feelings for each other, but the circumstances are complicated. Some people need only a week to figure out that they want to be with this person, others take four months (and if you're lucky, the person you are desiring, is still there, waiting for you too).

[soccerrprp]

Congratulations! It's good to hear people making the right/positive choices and changes to get their SOs back.

 

What you've done and suggested should be a no-brainer to people, but apparently, the idea of improving oneself, eliminating negative behavior doesn't register to so many as a means to establishing and maintaining a positive relationship.

 

I've heard some talk about NC. I've said this before, but as much as I believe LS is supportive, it is a forum full of people struggling with and angry with relationships. If I had listened to the overwhelming sentiment on NC regarding my own situation, I wouldn't have the woman I am with now. NC has its uses, but everyone's situation is different and the rules of NC sometimes, simply do not apply.

 

Good luck all.

Edited December 26, 2013 by soccerrprp

[somedude81]

Congratulations! It's good to hear people making the right/positive choices and changes to get their SOs back.

 

What you've done and suggested should be a no-brainer to people, but apparently, the idea of improving oneself, eliminating negative behavior doesn't register to so many as a means to establishing and maintaining a positive relationship.

 

I've heard some talk about NC. I've said this before, but as much as I believe LS is supportive, it is a forum full of people struggling with and angry with relationships. If I had listened to the overwhelming sentiment on NC regarding my own situation, I wouldn't have the woman I am with now. NC has its uses, but everyone's situation is different and the rules of NC sometimes, simply do not apply.

 

Good luck all.

What I have noticed is that in the vast majority of break ups the only advice ever given is to forget the other person and move on. Go NC and leave the other person alone. If you don't want to do that you are ridiculed.

 

It may come as a shock to some people that others might want to try and make things work again with somebody they have strong feelings for.

 

I hate being asked why I want my ex back, to me it's such a ridiculous question. Of course I want her back. The way I see it, the only question worth asking is "Why don't you want your ex back"?

 

I strongly believe that my ex made a stupid mistake and I hope she will realize it soon and we can go back to how things were before she ruined everything for no reason.

[strive]

I think maybe the reason why so many of the posters here on LS go for the go-NC-and-move-on advice is because A LOT of the people asking for advice are those who are still in the begging/clinging/cant-live-without-him-or-her stage in the breakup. These people insist on contacting their exes WITHOUT even trying to change what it is that needs changing and then hope that by some miracle they'd get back together. I think these are the people who really need the NC advice.

 

But every now and then there are the VERY RARE people like the OP who worked hard to fix whatever it is in them that contributed to the breakup. (And I'm talking about REAL changes, not the self-proclaimed "But I HAVE changed in the so-and-so months I went NC!!!"--it's easy to see in the way they post.) These people deserve all the praise and encouragement when they decide to try and get their exes back. And when they do, let's be happy for them and wish them well knowing they'll use whatever it is they learned to have a better relationship in the future.

[soccerrprp]

I think maybe the reason why so many of the posters here on LS go for the go-NC-and-move-on advice is because A LOT of the people asking for advice are those who are still in the begging/clinging/cant-live-without-him-or-her stage in the breakup. These people insist on contacting their exes WITHOUT even trying to change what it is that needs changing and then hope that by some miracle they'd get back together. I think these are the people who really need the NC advice.

 

But every now and then there are the VERY RARE people like the OP who worked hard to fix whatever it is in them that contributed to the breakup. (And I'm talking about REAL changes, not the self-proclaimed "But I HAVE changed in the so-and-so months I went NC!!!"--it's easy to see in the way they post.) These people deserve all the praise and encouragement when they decide to try and get their exes back. And when they do, let's be happy for them and wish them well knowing they'll use whatever it is they learned to have a better relationship in the future.

 

here, here, strive. That IS why so many people are given the routine go NC line. there are plenty of people who want to get back who simply are not objective enough or in denial. I agree with most of the suggestions to go NC that I have seen. It's as much to do with that person's state of mind as it does anything else. Some people are clearly in or were in an unhealthy relationship and going NC to move on is spot on!

 

I ignored the NC call b/c my situation didn't involve a lack of chemistry or any mistake anyone made. Even when I first broke up with my gf, it was amicable and no ill feelings were involved. None. There was plenty of reasons to get back together and only a handful to hesitate in that respect. In the end, it was all about reassuring one another that it will be okay and voila! i am with my ex again. What i'm trying to say is that situations are different. Everyone needs to make their own call, but be reasonable about it. Don't over-look and ignore the reasons for the break-up, fix them....

[organizedchaos]

What I have noticed is that in the vast majority of break ups the only advice ever given is to forget the other person and move on. Go NC and leave the other person alone. If you don't want to do that you are ridiculed.

 

It may come as a shock to some people that others might want to try and make things work again with somebody they have strong feelings for.

 

I hate being asked why I want my ex back, to me it's such a ridiculous question. Of course I want her back. The way I see it, the only question worth asking is "Why don't you want your ex back"?

 

I strongly believe that my ex made a stupid mistake and I hope she will realize it soon and we can go back to how things were before she ruined everything for no reason.

 

 

Except in your situation there were reasons. She told you and you want her back without having evolved or addressing your issues. You simply are not ready and neither is she.

[reddragon588]

What I have noticed is that in the vast majority of break ups the only advice ever given is to forget the other person and move on. Go NC and leave the other person alone. If you don't want to do that you are ridiculed.

 

It may come as a shock to some people that others might want to try and make things work again with somebody they have strong feelings for.

 

I hate being asked why I want my ex back, to me it's such a ridiculous question. Of course I want her back. The way I see it, the only question worth asking is "Why don't you want your ex back"?

 

I strongly believe that my ex made a stupid mistake and I hope she will realize it soon and we can go back to how things were before she ruined everything for no reason.

 

You have to live your life dude. It's better to move on and not expect her to "realize she made a mistake" and have her realize it, then to expect her to realize it and never have her realize it. You could be waiting for a long time (or forever).

[somedude81]

here, here, strive. That IS why so many people are given the routine go NC line. there are plenty of people who want to get back who simply are not objective enough or in denial. I agree with most of the suggestions to go NC that I have seen. It's as much to do with that person's state of mind as it does anything else. Some people are clearly in or were in an unhealthy relationship and going NC to move on is spot on!

 

I ignored the NC call b/c my situation didn't involve a lack of chemistry or any mistake anyone made. Even when I first broke up with my gf, it was amicable and no ill feelings were involved. None. There was plenty of reasons to get back together and only a handful to hesitate in that respect. In the end, it was all about reassuring one another that it will be okay and voila! i am with my ex again. What i'm trying to say is that situations are different. Everyone needs to make their own call, but be reasonable about it. Don't over-look and ignore the reasons for the break-up, fix them....

How is that any different from my situation? She basically didn't have any real reasons other than her being unsure about her feelings. There were no problems or issues in the relationship other than me liking her more.

 

How come I can't reassure her that everything is ok and that she just needs to chill out and stop over thinking?

Except in your situation there were reasons. She told you and you want her back without having evolved or addressing your issues. You simply are not ready and neither is she.

That would be well and good if there was an actual issue to address.

 

I'm definitely ready to try again and I learned a few things from what people have told me.

 

The big question is how do I get the ball rolling with her? There has to be something I can do besides sitting on my hands and waiting.

[organizedchaos]

How is that any different from my situation? She basically didn't have any real reasons other than her being unsure about her feelings. There were no problems or issues in the relationship other than me liking her more.

 

How come I can't reassure her that everything is ok and that she just needs to chill out and stop over thinking?

 

That would be well and good if there was an actual issue to address.

 

I'm definitely ready to try again and I learned a few things from what people have told me.

 

The big question is how do I get the ball rolling with her? There has to be something I can do besides sitting on my hands and waiting.

 

 

Not going to rehash this all over again. You have an entire thread telling you all you need to know and you won't listen. You won't accept her reasons. You don't understand why she just doesn't want to be with you. You can't see that you are WAY too needy and that is a massive turn off. Even if it all boils down to her feelings, that's all the reason she needs to not want you anymore.

 

There is nothing you can do.

Edited December 26, 2013 by organizedchaos

[somedude81]

Not going to rehash this all over again. You have an entire thread telling you all you need to know and you won't listen. You won't accept her reasons. You don't understand why she just doesn't want to be with you. Even if it all boils down to her feelings, that's all the reason she needs to not want you anymore.

 

There is nothing you can do.

 

My entire thread is people telling me to move on, go NC and trying to make sense of the reasons she gave. It's also got a lot of posts about telling me that I should be able to be happy by myself.

 

It contains nothing about what I should do to get her back.