Got her back: what worked.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

My entire thread is people telling me to move on, go NC and trying to make sense of the reasons she gave. It's also got a lot of posts about telling me that I should be able to be happy by myself.

 

It contains nothing about what I should do to get her back.

 

This post sums up this entire thread. The OP got his answer/said his point. Create another thread for this.

Edited December 26, 2013 by ConfusedHumanBeing

[beyondcrushed]

I too had the exact same relationship. The first 6 weeks we dated, I was going through a stressful time in my life. And I had emotional baggage from my failed marriage. I became dependent on my exbf for support and happiness. I had unfair expectations of him. It was too much pressure for him. We took a break. But I thought it was the end because he ignored and avoided me during the break. But I went NC. It lasted a whole...week. LOL. He did as your gf, contacted me first and said he missed me. We got back together again. I was so thankful for a second chance. I was determined to change myself for the better. Not be dependent on him. Well, several months later, I fell back to my old dependent self, with the help of him. He would pull away a lot and it brought out my insecurities. I was afraid of raising my issues with him for fear it would push him away. But he knew when I was anxious and would ask me about it. And sometimes it was too much for me and I would confront him anyway. Over time he felt the pressure too, lost respect for me, treated me terribly and we ended it. But I wasn't actively working on "fixing" my dependency issues or dealing with my baggage. Plus, he had his own issues. He was also insecure and had dependent tendencies. So, as some people have said, no matter what you do or don't do, there is no formula, sometimes you get a second chance, sometimes you don't. And there are many variables at play. Even if I worked on me, and became strong and confident, he may not have like it because of his own insecuries/jealousy and then we would've ended anyway.

 

You are very lucky you two are still together. It's good that you are working on yourself. Keep it up. It's a lifelong endevour.

Edited December 26, 2013 by beyondcrushed

[fixing]

OP, thanks very much for sharing your story, its great for this site when people take the time to try and inspire others.

 

I agree with much of what you posted about men should be men, and not emotionally dependant on woman. Some women like wearing the boots, but ultimately women do need a strong man, emotionally and physically.

 

But, the fact is, if a partner decides they want OUT of a relationship, they have made a calculated decision to literally drop you completely, no more strings attached.

 

As the dumpee, you HAVE to have self respect at this stage and realise you are no longer WANTED. So why the hell should you be 'fighting' for this other human anymore? Its a one sided fight that your having with yourself because they are not participating in it. They have made their choice.

Im not suggesting you instantly become stubborn and walk away at the first words of 'breaking up' because each BU is about different reasons.

Of course, we all will try to reason and say sorry (If it was our own shortcomings)

 

But 90% of breakups (excluding BU's caused by cheating, violence, abuse) the dumper has already weighed up their options, the pro's and con's for months.

You are only harming yourself by this so called 'fighting' for him/her by 'bettering' yourself in the hopes they come back. Its counter productive. Its living in denial and hope.

 

YOU HAVE BEEN REJECTED AND DUMPED. NO CONTACT IS IMPERATIVE.

 

They have broken your heart, they have chosen to break that love contract with you. Its now time for the dumpee to implement an effective healing procedure and that is exactly what NC will do, over time.

 

IT SHOULD ALWAYS BE, THE DUMPER WHO BENDS OVER BACKWARDS TO REGAIN YOUR LOVE, TRUST AND LOVE. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. SELF RESPECT.

 

(This obviously excludes a dumpee who blatantly sabotaged their own relationship through cheating, abusive, negligence etc, but in these cases they are almost certainly over for good anyways and the dumper should do the NC IMO)

[soccerrprp]

How is that any different from my situation? She basically didn't have any real reasons other than her being unsure about her feelings. There were no problems or issues in the relationship other than me liking her more.

 

How come I can't reassure her that everything is ok and that she just needs to chill out and stop over thinking?

 

That would be well and good if there was an actual issue to address.

 

I'm definitely ready to try again and I learned a few things from what people have told me.

 

The big question is how do I get the ball rolling with her? There has to be something I can do besides sitting on my hands and waiting.

 

Well, the difference between my situation and yours is the woman in question. The degree of insecurity may be much greater in your friend than it was with mine. Also, your friend, may have other reasons that you are not aware of.

 

Everyone's situation, however similar they may seem, can be oceans apart and much of that, obviously, has to do with the individuals in question.

[legion113]

You have to live your life dude. It's better to move on and not expect her to "realize she made a mistake" and have her realize it, then to expect her to realize it and never have her realize it. You could be waiting for a long time (or forever).

 

 

He's got the time, he went 8 years between the two girlfriends he's had in his life. He's not due for another one until he's 39. And another 12000 posts.

[oracle]

My ex dumped me 1 year in... then reached out 6 weeks later and we got back together.. he dumped me again 12 years later.

 

I always never fully trusted him, cause I knew he could flick it off like a switch when something came along that interested him... but I was young and its what I wanted.

 

I agree that i don't think NC is the way it should always be. Life is a grey area. HOWEVER know that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.. and this includes YOU and the things you may do to push others away.

 

All the best, fingers crossed for ya

[reddragon588]

My entire thread is people telling me to move on, go NC and trying to make sense of the reasons she gave. It's also got a lot of posts about telling me that I should be able to be happy by myself.

 

It contains nothing about what I should do to get her back.

 

Hmmm... what's that word I'm looking for?

 

Pattern?