Acceptance or Backsliding?

[BC1980]

It's been 8 months since my breakup and 4 months NC. I broke it once a month ago. I thought I had accepted it was over, but I'm feeling awful lately. I'm reminiscing and wondering why he would leave our life together. I lost my entire future, my best friend, and his son.

 

Is this just part of acceptance? Am I backsliding? I can't imagine being with anyone but him, even though I haven't always felt that way. I'm so sad at the prospect of really believing that this is over. It's like I won't allow myself to believe it. I thought I was doing well, but I feel so hopeless now. I feel like I have no prospects in life, I'm going to be stuck in this town forever.

[cavalier99]

Sounds normal. I remeber a paticular phase after like 4 months NC where i felt like i was mourning a death. Utter defeat, missing her, realizing she was gone forever, just miserable. Even broke down and cried for the first time in a while.

 

I also thought i had been doing well (and i was )

 

Now i realize that this was a big step forward in the greiving process. Your doing fine. Keep going. Cav

[BC1980]

Sounds normal. I remeber a paticular phase after like 4 months NC where i felt like i was mourning a death. Utter defeat, missing her, realizing she was gone forever, just miserable. Even broke down and cried for the first time in a while.

 

I also thought i had been doing well (and i was )

 

Now i realize that this was a big step forward in the greiving process. Your doing fine. Keep going. Cav

 

Thank you for the reassurance. I think a part of me doesn't want to let to in some weird way even though the memories are so painful.

[mtnbiker3000]

It's a constant battle. Up, down, good, bad... Your recovery progress looks like a profitable stock chart. Lots of zig-zags, but an overall upward trend. Problem is that you are so close to it, you can't always see or feel the upward progress.

 

And, the rate of progress varies from person to person. Seems like many people are mostly recovered after 6, 7 or 8 months. I'm getting close to 10 months and still wonder when this will all be a memory.

 

I also think it depends on other things going on in ones life too. I've had a few major things compounding my BU recovery, so I guess I'm bringing up the rear

[BC1980]

I also held out hope for 4 months, and I thought I could get him back. I didn't want to take it as final.

[BC1980]

I keep thinking how my life was so different this time last year. I was so content and excited about the future. Today, the future seems like a scary place. It's overwhelming, and I don't really look forward to it. I keep wondering how my life ended up in this f@cking awful pile of shambles. We had plans and a future. I feel like I was left on the side of the road to pick up the pieces and start over.

 

I wonder "why me" all of the time. What was the point of all if this? Will I get over this? What if I don't? Is this even real? I still have those moments of disbelief. The memories are killing me, but I'm so afraid to let go of them completely. I think the only thing that gets me through the day is that small hope that I can be happy again.

[loveiswar101]

I keep thinking how my life was so different this time last year. I was so content and excited about the future. Today, the future seems like a scary place. It's overwhelming, and I don't really look forward to it. I keep wondering how my life ended up in this f@cking awful pile of shambles. We had plans and a future. I feel like I was left on the side of the road to pick up the pieces and start over.

 

I wonder "why me" all of the time. What was the point of all if this? Will I get over this? What if I don't? Is this even real? I still have those moments of disbelief. The memories are killing me, but I'm so afraid to let go of them completely. I think the only thing that gets me through the day is that small hope that I can be happy again.

 

Bingo...couldn't write it any better myself. Except I don't ever think, even with hope I'll be happy again.

[BC1980]

Bingo...couldn't write it any better myself. Except I don't ever think, even with hope I'll be happy again.

 

The only thing that gives me hope is the number if people I've talked to who have been in similar situations and found happiness again. It's got to be possible even though it sometimes feels impossible.

[mtnbiker3000]

I wonder "why me" all of the time. What was the point of all if this? Will I get over this? What if I don't? Is this even real? I still have those moments of disbelief. The memories are killing me, but I'm so afraid to let go of them completely. I think the only thing that gets me through the day is that small hope that I can be happy again.

 

This is all very common. Especially if you hung on to hope for a long period. Hope is a real m*therf*cker!!!

 

One thing I would recommend, if at all possible, is to let go of the 'why me?'. I carried the victim mentality around for a pretty long time. Still have to check myself on it every now and again, as I will come to some new realization about how she f*cked me over and will have to be careful about being bitter and angry again.

[BC1980]

This is all very common. Especially if you hung on to hope for a long period. Hope is a real m*therf*cker!!!

 

One thing I would recommend, if at all possible, is to let go of the 'why me?'. I carried the victim mentality around for a pretty long time. Still have to check myself on it every now and again, as I will come to some new realization about how she f*cked me over and will have to be careful about being bitter and angry again.

 

I think mine is more of a disbelief over what happened. I truly believed this guy wanted to marry me and wanted me to be the mother of his son. Even when he was breaking up with me, he would say he wanted so badly to marry me, but he just couldn't do it. It confused me so much and is a big reason I couldn't let go in the beginning.

 

It's more like I keep wondering how I picked this guy and so many other people seem to be happy and married. I used to think I was so lucky to get the life I had. It's amazing how you can go from such a high to such a low.

[Never Again]

I think mine is more of a disbelief over what happened. I truly believed this guy wanted to marry me and wanted me to be the mother of his son. Even when he was breaking up with me, he would say he wanted so badly to marry me, but he just couldn't do it. It confused me so much and is a big reason I couldn't let go in the beginning.

 

It's more like I keep wondering how I picked this guy and so many other people seem to be happy and married. I used to think I was so lucky to get the life I had. It's amazing how you can go from such a high to such a low.

 

Well, if I remember correctly, he yo-yo'ed you quite a bit. It's not your fault for holding onto hope when he GAVE you hope.

 

It's a lot of ups and downs, steps forwards and back. You sound like you're in a good place now and getting better.

[mtnbiker3000]

I think mine is more of a disbelief over what happened. I truly believed this guy wanted to marry me and wanted me to be the mother of his son. Even when he was breaking up with me, he would say he wanted so badly to marry me, but he just couldn't do it. It confused me so much and is a big reason I couldn't let go in the beginning.

 

I know. It's total BS! This is the latest thing I've been stewing over myself. The fact that I did want to marry my ex. Bought rings, prepared a special evironment for the proposal, and offered my heart to her. Then she strung me along knowing that it would never happen. She robbed me of the experience. She spit on me and the whole event.

 

It's more like I keep wondering how I picked this guy and so many other people seem to be happy and married. I used to think I was so lucky to get the life I had. It's amazing how you can go from such a high to such a low.

 

Yes, although I know this extremely damaging and dangerous, I do this too. I see people everywhere with their rings on and I wonder how they are so lucky? What did they do? What didn't I do? Am I just a person who is destined to not be married? Have kids? Be alone?

 

But then I remember... To compare is to despair. And try to have faith that everything happens for a reason and that life will all work itself out.

 

Easier said than done sometimes, especially around the Holidays. Constant reminders of our failures...

[kindofsad]

You seem to be doing so well BC! Keep going, I am sure it is all good progress in the long run. Its rubbish trying to understand the ex, and feeling totally fooled and taken in by their worlds. It is merely a reflection of them and you can live life with integrity and know you will never treat anyone the way you have been treated.

 

I think the holiday season brings difficulties, so things may be seen out of perspective. I know I am feeling more glum than usual....just getting through it...roll on Jan 2nd!!

[BC1980]

Well, if I remember correctly, he yo-yo'ed you quite a bit. It's not your fault for holding onto hope when he GAVE you hope.

 

It's a lot of ups and downs, steps forwards and back. You sound like you're in a good place now and getting better.

 

He did waffle after the relationship. He sent me an anniversary card after we broke up. He would say he was confused and wouldn't sell my engagement ring back yet. I tried not to have hope, but it's very difficult when you are already so broken down. You are already emotionally weak, so you're not in a place to make rational decisions.

 

He even waffled a bit in the relationship. It was subtle, but it was there. I just kept wanting him to be someone he wasn't. I wanted him to be able to commit, but he's just not going to. I struggled a lot with freeing myself from guilt, thinking I did something wrong. I realize, more and more, that it's not me as much as I thought. I'm not blameless, but he has a lot of personal issues he hasn't dealt with.

[Never Again]

He did waffle after the relationship. He sent me an anniversary card after we broke up. He would say he was confused and wouldn't sell my engagement ring back yet. I tried not to have hope, but it's very difficult when you are already so broken down. You are already emotionally weak, so you're not in a place to make rational decisions.

 

He even waffled a bit in the relationship. It was subtle, but it was there. I just kept wanting him to be someone he wasn't. I wanted him to be able to commit, but he's just not going to. I struggled a lot with freeing myself from guilt, thinking I did something wrong. I realize, more and more, that it's not me as much as I thought. I'm not blameless, but he has a lot of personal issues he hasn't dealt with.

 

Ex's the waffle are hurtful like no other, and worst of all, I don't think they necessarily realize it. They think they're coming to terms with their confusion or what-have-you, but they're just playing hokey-pokey on your heart and it's awful.

 

It can be hard to know if that stuff is temporary or permanent, and I think a lot of people waffle, so I can't blame you for wanting to be with him even if there were some subtle warning signs.

 

I also think that many people don't leave their baggage at the door as much as they should. I know you've seen my thread where I accumulated too much during my relationship and it hollowed me out. I wasn't fit to be in a relationship, but I didn't want to let the girl of my dreams go to get myself in order...and I drove me away instead. It's hard to know when you stop blaming yourself and start really holding the other person responsible. I'm glad you've let go of your guilt...I know I still struggle with it daily.

[BC1980]

The last thing my ex said was he needs time, and maybe it could work in a few years. He said he knows it's wrong to ask me to wait that long. I don't know what they even means. Is he just trying to keep the door ajar? Does he really feel we have a chance? I know I have to let go, but it's so hard. How am I supposed to accept this as final? I've accepted that its over right now, but I'm having such a hard time with it being over for good.

 

How can he say he doesn't think it will work and also that it might work in the same sentence? I'm so worried I will never be able to open up my heart to anyone again.

[mtnbiker3000]

I realize, more and more, that it's not me as much as I thought. I'm not blameless, but he has a lot of personal issues he hasn't dealt with.

 

I find myself constantly analyzing and playing 'what if' scenarios. I know that it takes 2 people to make an RS work, and also to not work. It's tough to draw the line on how much I am responsible and how much she is. My ex also has some pretty significant issues (that she doesn't even acknowledge), but then again so do I. Difference is, I am looking in the mirror a lot, and not to check my hair!!!

[mtnbiker3000]

The last thing my ex said was he needs time, and maybe it could work in a few years. He said he knows it's wrong to ask me to wait that long. I don't know what they even means. Is he just trying to keep the door ajar? Does he really feel we have a chance? I know I have to let go, but it's so hard. How am I supposed to accept this as final? I've accepted that its over right now, but I'm having such a hard time with it being over for good.

 

How can he say he doesn't think it will work and also that it might work in the same sentence? I'm so worried I will never be able to open up my heart to anyone again.

 

He's giving you false hope and cake-eating in a way. I think you should just give up all hope on this guy. Chances are that it is over for good and you would be best suited to acknowledge and accept that. Otherwise you will hang on to hope and burn yourself down to the ground.

[LadyM]

I think it's alright if you can't accept that it is over for good. You don't have to accept this as final, but can still go on living your life and look for a new love. You know it's over for now and that is good enough to keep your life moving on in a better direction.

 

The truth is, none of us ever know if our old relationships are over for good.

 

All any of us know is that it is over for today, and you have already accepted that so you're way ahead of the game.

 

He probably said that it could work in a few years because he knows you're a good person and may never find anyone to love him like you do, so he said that to ease his guilt and keep the door open. This was not especially kind of him. He said it to help him - not you. It is a ridiculous statement. Believe me, there is not a thought in his head right now planning on getting together with you in a few years.

 

His first thought - that he doesn't think it will work, is the one you should remember.

 

His giving you phony hope for reconciliation a few years from now is mean, cowardly and untrue.

 

Most of all, you do not want to give of yourself to a man who does not want to be with you now. Now is all we have. His breadcrumb words about a future together are meaningless and try not to take them to heart.

 

You seem like a really fine person with lots of love to give. I am certain you will find a MUCH better replacement for this cad.

[JDPT]

The process is never in sequential order, however, we all must go through them. Listen to your subconscious that continues to this day to tell you that you truly were not happy for the reasons you stated. We tend to sugar coat our unhappiness and settle at times for the crumbs thrown at us when in a relationship. We learn to respect and hold ourselves at higher regards by way of this experience. What helped me initially was internalizing the fact that it was over and over for good. As if you were to throw a rock in the middle of the ocean, it'll never return. The memories, moments and love shared are now in the past. It's time to create new memories, new experiences and new love. I look forward to that, someone I can wrap in my arms, hold tight and kiss. However, this time I'll be more vigilant and smarter with my decisions. Be gentle with yourself, don't rush this process. It's ok to feel again and when you are ready you will, we will breathe again.

Edited December 26, 2013 by JDPT

[BC1980]

I appreciate all the responses and encouragement. I can't even believe I'm analyzing why he gave me false hope again. I really thought I was past this. I think I'm also back to making judgements on myself. I'm 33 and single, so there must be something wrong with me. I know that's not true, but my subcobscious thinks this way sometimes. I feel like I will never meet anyone else. The future seems like a scary place these days.

[mtnbiker3000]

The future seems like a scary place these days.

 

Try to live in the present as much as possible. The past has only anger, regret and resentment. The future has only worry, fear and uncertainty. Try to find things to enjoy right now. Right this minute.

 

And, you're not alone in thinking this way. As much as I try not to let my mind go there, part of me knows my ex was the best (and worst) thing that ever happened to me. The best (and worst) woman I've ever been with, for many reasons. And I'm not sure if or when I will meet someone else who I have those feelings for. And, I'm 42

[BC1980]

Try to live in the present as much as possible. The past has only anger, regret and resentment. The future has only worry, fear and uncertainty. Try to find things to enjoy right now. Right this minute.

 

And, you're not alone in thinking this way. As much as I try not to let my mind go there, part of me knows my ex was the best (and worst) thing that ever happened to me. The best (and worst) woman I've ever been with, for many reasons. And I'm not sure if or when I will meet someone else who I have those feelings for. And, I'm 42

 

I really had no desire for a relationship when I met my ex. That's what is so ironic about it all. It's that awful feeling of being so close to happiness but watching it slip away.

[mtnbiker3000]

I really had no desire for a relationship when I met my ex. That's what is so ironic about it all. It's that awful feeling of being so close to happiness but watching it slip away.

 

Yup. I know the feeling. But, as I'm sure you already know, you must not seek happiness in others. Because they will eventually take it away from you, intentionally or not. When you create your own happiness, then it is yours for the keeping. Now, that begs the question, why even seek a relationship with another if you must refrain from tying your happiness to them? Well, that I don't have an answer for. Wish I did...

[Mariposa10]

You're a beautiful 33 year old woman. You will find love again, and will be happy.

 

I've told my sister's story here many times. He was madly in love with her husband. She would always say that even if they were to get divorced she would never re-marry or love EVER AGAIN. I always worried because I know that she would've put up with domestic violence if she had to in order to keep this marriage alive. However, my ex brother in law cheated on her. If there was one thing she could never forgive it was him cheating. SHE WENT CRAZY, she said her life was over. She wanted to die. She told me. I still remember where we were and how there was a river in her face because of all the crying. In her mind everything was over, life was not worth living.

 

Time went by, she fell in love again. She's madly in love again. She doesn't hate, love her ex. She actually wishes him the best. She's engaged. She's a new woman.

 

Her story is what makes me stronger too.

 

You will feel better in January. I have a question. I think you once mentioned your ex was in his 50s. The huge age gap was never a problem?

 

 

I appreciate all the responses and encouragement. I can't even believe I'm analyzing why he gave me false hope again. I really thought I was past this. I think I'm also back to making judgements on myself. I'm 33 and single, so there must be something wrong with me. I know that's not true, but my subcobscious thinks this way sometimes. I feel like I will never meet anyone else. The future seems like a scary place these days.