Acceptance or Backsliding?

[Angry bird]

When you get to the emotional state, where you don't want them anymore, that's when you start to really feel good. But, to get to that place, you have to let go of reconnecting. It's hard, but you have to let go of seeing them again, hearing them again...it is hard. It is a terrible feeling. Scary too. Little by little, your heart will let go. Keep asking God, or what ever you believe in to release you from this attachment. But, when you are released don't turn around and look for a reconnection, keep moving forward. I made that mistake in the past. I felt a release, felt confident, and let him back in. Big mistake for me. Now I know in this situation to "keep it moving" and don't look back. It's over.

Edited December 27, 2013 by Angry bird

[kindofsad]

I think its hard not to make judgements on yourself. I am 35 and really wanted to be thinking of having kids this year, now I'm single its the last thing on my mind! Initially I was so jealous of couples and especially families, which I knew was ridiculous but I let myself be weighed down by societies expectations. Once I let go of the thought of where I 'ought' to be, it became easier and I have to remind myself frequently, this is where I am in life, this is who I am and its no bad thing!

 

At least you can recognize that you are making judgements on yourself, and no good will come of negative selfjudgement! As it has been said its all about seeking happiness for yourself, I think this is the scary thing, being totally responsible for yourself and not relying on anyone, but ultimately the scariest things are always the most rewarding :-)

 

I am still trying to get the point where I no longer want them and not to care what they are thinking, the small strides I have made have been good and I feel myself getting stronger. As you know it comes and goes in waves, we just need to stick with it :-)

[BC1980]

You're a beautiful 33 year old woman. You will find love again, and will be happy.

 

I've told my sister's story here many times. He was madly in love with her husband. She would always say that even if they were to get divorced she would never re-marry or love EVER AGAIN. I always worried because I know that she would've put up with domestic violence if she had to in order to keep this marriage alive. However, my ex brother in law cheated on her. If there was one thing she could never forgive it was him cheating. SHE WENT CRAZY, she said her life was over. She wanted to die. She told me. I still remember where we were and how there was a river in her face because of all the crying. In her mind everything was over, life was not worth living.

 

Time went by, she fell in love again. She's madly in love again. She doesn't hate, love her ex. She actually wishes him the best. She's engaged. She's a new woman.

 

Her story is what makes me stronger too.

 

You will feel better in January. I have a question. I think you once mentioned your ex was in his 50s. The huge age gap was never a problem?

 

My ex is 49. He will be 50 next year. The age never seemed like a problem. I actually thought he was much younger when I met him.

 

Your sister's story gives me hope. My aunt dated a guy for 5 years who kept promising to marry her when he saved enough money for the ring. He ended up buying a car with the money and broke it off soon after. She stayed in bed for 3 months after that. She thought she would never find love again, but she eventually met my uncle who is the most wonderful man.

[BC1980]

Yup. I know the feeling. But, as I'm sure you already know, you must not seek happiness in others. Because they will eventually take it away from you, intentionally or not. When you create your own happiness, then it is yours for the keeping. Now, that begs the question, why even seek a relationship with another if you must refrain from tying your happiness to them? Well, that I don't have an answer for. Wish I did...

 

This is a mystery to me too, but I think it's natural to want comoanionship.

[BC1980]

When you get to the emotional state, where you don't want them anymore, that's when you start to really feel good. But, to get to that place, you have to let go of reconnecting. It's hard, but you have to let go of seeing them again, hearing them again...it is hard. It is a terrible feeling. Scary too. Little by little, your heart will let go. Keep asking God, or what ever you believe in to release you from this attachment. But, when you are released don't turn around and look for a reconnection, keep moving forward. I made that mistake in the past. I felt a release, felt confident, and let him back in. Big mistake for me. Now I know in this situation to "keep it moving" and don't look back. It's over.

 

How do I disconnect? I'm really scared to finally do that. I thought I was making progress, but recently thinking about dating again has made the connection I have with my ex come to the forefront. Why am I so scared to disconnect emotionally from him?

[mtnbiker3000]

This is a mystery to me too, but I think it's natural to want comoanionship.

 

Companionship, yes. Relying on and expecting happiness from another, no. I think that is the difference

 

Why am I so scared to disconnect emotionally from him?

 

You're scared because it's final. When you finally let go, there's no chance of going back. Therefore, you must go forward, alone. And, as we discussed, the future is scary and unknown. But, however scary it is, this is what you need.

[Angry bird]

You can't do it consciously, but NC will create the emotional space for you to do it. NC is a godsend genius way to heal. I did it so X loser could miss me at first. then when we reconnected 2.5 months after breakup he said he loved me and this and that, and I thought we were going to take it slow and be together. NOPE! He went right back to that girl. How did I know? Checking his twitter. I have been strict NC since December 1. And it wasn't even a concious thing, I just stopped wanting to know. I still felt abandoned, forgotten and unloved.But, with time the feeling was less and less. The feeling of loss was less intense. And when his memory comes up, instead of thinking will he call me, I repeat to myself " It's over". I hope to never cross paths with him again. Ever.

 

And then I put my photo up on a few dating sites and I get very sweet messages from men out there who want to meet me. I love reading them. It helps me feel like, yes, I am a hottie potattie!

[BC1980]

Companionship, yes. Relying on and expecting happiness from another, no. I think that is the difference

 

 

 

You're scared because it's final. When you finally let go, there's no chance of going back. Therefore, you must go forward, alone. And, as we discussed, the future is scary and unknown. But, however scary it is, this is what you need.

 

It is scary to make it final because, so far, I've been reacting to him. I had no choice but to try and move on. I don't think I actively let go, but the reality is that he let go if me first. There is no relationship, so what am I holding onto? I'm holding onto something that doesn't exist.

[BC1980]

You can't do it consciously, but NC will create the emotional space for you to do it. NC is a godsend genius way to heal. I did it so X loser could miss me at first. then when we reconnected 2.5 months after breakup he said he loved me and this and that, and I thought we were going to take it slow and be together. NOPE! He went right back to that girl. How did I know? Checking his twitter. I have been strict NC since December 1. And it wasn't even a concious thing, I just stopped wanting to know. I still felt abandoned, forgotten and unloved.But, with time the feeling was less and less. The feeling of loss was less intense. And when his memory comes up, instead of thinking will he call me, I repeat to myself " It's over". I hope to never cross paths with him again. Ever.

 

And then I put my photo up on a few dating sites and I get very sweet messages from men out there who want to meet me. I love reading them. It helps me feel like, yes, I am a hottie potattie!

 

Some post I read here said that NC forces you to accept it's over. I think that is very true. What really made me backslide was one of my friends wanting to set me up with someone. It freaked me out after I thought about it. I got nostalgic for the ex, and I started to have feelings that I could not love someone else.

 

A few weeks before, I thought I was ready to date again. Ive heard stories like this though of people dating after a LTR. The first few times, it felt weird and triggered unexpected emotions. Maybe it's normal.

[mtnbiker3000]

There is no relationship, so what am I holding onto? I'm holding onto something that doesn't exist.

 

Exactamundo!!! Now, your like me and so many others here. You know what's going on, but are still struggling to act on it. Welcome to the club

[BC1980]

Exactamundo!!! Now, your like me and so many others here. You know what's going on, but are still struggling to act on it. Welcome to the club

 

Then you feel so foolish for putting energy into am emotional attachment that us one sided. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to keep up the connection, but like my mom pointed out, "what is it doing to help you?" It prolongs the suffering. We all know people who are hung up in someone several years later. Nobody wants to be that person.

[mtnbiker3000]

Then you feel so foolish for putting energy into am emotional attachment that us one sided.

 

This is how I felt about my RS from about the half way point (1.5 years). I was there, invested, committed, etc... She was not. Yet I hung on. Convinced myself all was OK. That this was as good as I could do, so best to stay put. Make it work.

 

This girl strung me along but good. Knew we weren't going the distance but let me fall for her, propose to her (and buy 2 rings, not at the same time) and move across the state for her. I was played. Duped. And I let all of this happen. Obviously, I've got issues

 

Foolish is an understatement But I digress...

[Mariposa10]

The age gap is huuuuuuuge. And I had an age gap with my ex too. I have used that to feel better about the breakup. Thinking how I was gonna be so heartbroken because statistically speaking he was gonna die before me, how he was gonna be kind of old to have children with me.

 

So you didn't want to have children with this guy?

 

My point is that you need to stop putting your ex on a pedestal. Also, don't be so hard on yourself, wait for 2014. The holidays only magnify the pain

 

 

 

My ex is 49. He will be 50 next year. The age never seemed like a problem. I actually thought he was much younger when I met him.

 

Your sister's story gives me hope. My aunt dated a guy for 5 years who kept promising to marry her when he saved enough money for the ring. He ended up buying a car with the money and broke it off soon after. She stayed in bed for 3 months after that. She thought she would never find love again, but she eventually met my uncle who is the most wonderful man.

[BC1980]

The age gap is huuuuuuuge. And I had an age gap with my ex too. I have used that to feel better about the breakup. Thinking how I was gonna be so heartbroken because statistically speaking he was gonna die before me, how he was gonna be kind of old to have children with me.

 

So you didn't want to have children with this guy?

 

My point is that you need to stop putting your ex on a pedestal. Also, don't be so hard on yourself, wait for 2014. The holidays only magnify the pain

 

I did want to have my own child, but we also had his son. Seeing that his wife had died years earlier, I was basically a mother to his son. The plan was for me to adopt him. I would have been okay with just having his son, but I did mention something about wanting a child with my ex a few months before we broke up.

 

After we broke up, he said that comment scared him because he thought he would have to do most of the childcare. He hated how I had a laid back attitude about life and wasn't in such a hurry to do things as him. He always had to be doing several things at once and barely had time to sit and enjoy life. I really think he thought I was lazy, and the comment he made about me not caring for a child was hurtful. It's simply not true.

 

Everyone thought he was anal as hell and totally stressed all the time. He worked all the time at home and could never sit still. He would barely spend time with his son, and I was with his son more than he was. Hell, I was with his son more than I was with my ex due to working all the time. I just had a different take on life, and he always felt I was wrong because of that. The thing is that I didn't think his way was wrong, just different. I remember his getting super p*ssed at me at a botanical garden once because he thought I was walking too slowly through it. He actually used that instance to tell me that he just didn't completely accept me the way I was. It was such a ridiculous comment.

 

His feeling that I was wrong in my way of doing things seemed to be a theme in our relationship. He thought that anyone who did things differently from him was wrong, even his own family. He was pretty rude with it sometimes and hurt people's feelings. He could be a very generous person on the outside, but he was not accepting on the inside.

Edited December 28, 2013 by BC1980

[JDPT]

It's good to understand what occurred in the past. After a while it became redundant to me to the point where I would catch myself uttering the exact same words and stories over and over. I no longer care to analyze the type of person my ex was. She is irrelevant to me as she was in the past due to our "part time" status. I think you are getting very close to letting to of hope and moving in to embrace acceptance.

[BC1980]

The age gap is huuuuuuuge. And I had an age gap with my ex too. I have used that to feel better about the breakup. Thinking how I was gonna be so heartbroken because statistically speaking he was gonna die before me, how he was gonna be kind of old to have children with me.

 

So you didn't want to have children with this guy?

 

My point is that you need to stop putting your ex on a pedestal. Also, don't be so hard on yourself, wait for 2014. The holidays only magnify the pain

 

I used to worried about him dying well before me. It made me so sad actually, but I was willing to compromise because I loved him deeply. I did put him on a pedestal, and I'm still struggling with that. He made more money than me, was further along in his career, had his own home, and he seemed so sure of himself. Actually, that confidence was arrogance masking deep seeded insecurity. He is a very insecure person underneath it all. The truth is that I am every bit as good as he is, and I have to tell myself that everyday. I'm still struggling with that concept.

 

I hope he has fun trying to find someone that fits all of his criteria. It's gonna be tough

 

What was the age difference between you and your ex?

[Mariposa10]

What? that little story about the botanical garden is so pathetic!!!

 

 

 

I did want to have my own child, but we also had his son. Seeing that his wife had died years earlier, I was basically a mother to his son. The plan was for me to adopt him. I would have been okay with just having his son, but I did mention something about wanting a child with my ex a few months before we broke up.

 

After we broke up, he said that comment scared him because he thought he would have to do most of the childcare. He hated how I had a laid back attitude about life and wasn't in such a hurry to do things as him. He always had to be doing several things at once and barely had time to sit and enjoy life. I really think he thought I was lazy, and the comment he made about me not caring for a child was hurtful. It's simply not true.

 

Everyone thought he was anal as hell and totally stressed all the time. He worked all the time at home and could never sit still. He would barely spend time with his son, and I was with his son more than he was. Hell, I was with his son more than I was with my ex due to working all the time. I just had a different take on life, and he always felt I was wrong because of that. The thing is that I didn't think his way was wrong, just different. I remember his getting super p*ssed at me at a botanical garden once because he thought I was walking too slowly through it. He actually used that instance to tell me that he just didn't completely accept me the way I was. It was such a ridiculous comment.

 

His feeling that I was wrong in my way of doing things seemed to be a theme in our relationship. He thought that anyone who did things differently from him was wrong, even his own family. He was pretty rude with it sometimes and hurt people's feelings. He could be a very generous person on the outside, but he was not accepting on the inside.

[BC1980]

It's good to understand what occurred in the past. After a while it became redundant to me to the point where I would catch myself uttering the exact same words and stories over and over. I no longer care to analyze the type of person my ex was. She is irrelevant to me as she was in the past due to our "part time" status. I think you are getting very close to letting to of hope and moving in to embrace acceptance.

 

I keep repeating to myself that, yes, this happened. It's painful, but it happened. This is my reality. He no longer wants me, so I will not put energy into wishing he did. I tell myself this as many times a day as it takes when I get the urge to reminisce.

 

At a certain point, it does become irrelevant to analyze the ex. I did that for a few months, and then it occurred to me that it didn't really matter. It changed nothing, and I still don't know why the breakup occurred. Even if I did know, it doesn't change that it happened. The ex is who he is. Let him be and live his life that way.

[BC1980]

What? that little story about the botanical garden is so pathetic!!!

 

I know right? Who would get that upset about the pace I was going through the gardens when it's 90 degrees outside. Why does it even matter? It makes you upset when you accepted all of their "flaws." I accepted him wholeheartedly as a person because I loved him. He did not accept me, and he lost out big time for it.

[LadyM]

I did want to have my own child, but we also had his son. Seeing that his wife had died years earlier, I was basically a mother to his son. The plan was for me to adopt him. I would have been okay with just having his son, but I did mention something about wanting a child with my ex a few months before we broke up.

 

After we broke up, he said that comment scared him because he thought he would have to do most of the childcare. He hated how I had a laid back attitude about life and wasn't in such a hurry to do things as him. He always had to be doing several things at once and barely had time to sit and enjoy life. I really think he thought I was lazy, and the comment he made about me not caring for a child was hurtful. It's simply not true.

 

Everyone thought he was anal as hell and totally stressed all the time. He worked all the time at home and could never sit still. He would barely spend time with his son, and I was with his son more than he was. Hell, I was with his son more than I was with my ex due to working all the time. I just had a different take on life, and he always felt I was wrong because of that. The thing is that I didn't think his way was wrong, just different. I remember his getting super p*ssed at me at a botanical garden once because he thought I was walking too slowly through it. He actually used that instance to tell me that he just didn't completely accept me the way I was. It was such a ridiculous comment.

 

His feeling that I was wrong in my way of doing things seemed to be a theme in our relationship. He thought that anyone who did things differently from him was wrong, even his own family. He was pretty rude with it sometimes and hurt people's feelings. He could be a very generous person on the outside, but he was not accepting on the inside.

 

Your situation with your ex sounds so similar to what happened with my ex. I was also accepting of all his "unique" ways, but he was not at all accepting of mine, or like you said, anyone else's ways which were different from his own. Yes, my ex was very generous on the outside, but was harsh and critical on the inside and took no pains to hide the fact.

 

If we can take a step back and reflect, it would be a very long and uncomfortable lifetime living with people who cannot love us how we are and are critical every step of the way.

 

It is not what we want or deserve.

[BC1980]

Your situation with your ex sounds so similar to what happened with my ex. I was also accepting of all his "unique" ways, but he was not at all accepting of mine, or like you said, anyone else's ways which were different from his own. Yes, my ex was very generous on the outside, but was harsh and critical on the inside and took no pains to hide the fact.

 

If we can take a step back and reflect, it would be a very long and uncomfortable lifetime living with people who cannot love us how we are and are critical every step of the way.

 

It is not what we want or deserve.

 

I think it's truly a blessing. I always felt like there was something wrong with me, according to him. He even treated his son the same way. It was so odd because people thought he was such a good person. He would probably give you the shirt off his back, and he would give a substantial amount to charity. However, he had an arrogant streak.

 

I remember going to his niece and nephew's house, and he would tell them how proud he was of them in school and give them money on their birthdays. Then, on the care ride home, he would be saying how fat they were, did you see how much they ate, their mom and dad aren't very good parents, can you believe that they bought this, it's such a waste of money to redo their bathroom, why did they buy a 12 pack of Coke when tap water is just as good, why do they have 2 dogs instead of 1, and just on and on. It was mean spirited. The thing is that he didn't do it all that often, so I kept writing it off because he was really good in other ways. He would pay for everything for me, and he would write me the sweetest letters, tell me how beautiful I was all the time. He would love anything I cooked. I think that is the hardest part I have had with moving on. He was actually very good to me at times, so I'm troubled with who he really was.

[fixing]

Hang in there OP. Its an uphill battle that really likes to push us to our absolute limits! Im 14 months BU and NC, (Broke it 7 weeks ago when we crossed paths accidently, i called her a cheating whore)

 

And im still not over what happened. But your bound to still feel raw emotions because your only 1 month NC.

 

It will get better. And btw, cant you move town? Start a fresh that way?

[LadyM]

I think it's truly a blessing. I always felt like there was something wrong with me, according to him. He even treated his son the same way. It was so odd because people thought he was such a good person. He would probably give you the shirt off his back, and he would give a substantial amount to charity. However, he had an arrogant streak.

 

I remember going to his niece and nephew's house, and he would tell them how proud he was of them in school and give them money on their birthdays. Then, on the care ride home, he would be saying how fat they were, did you see how much they ate, their mom and dad aren't very good parents, can you believe that they bought this, it's such a waste of money to redo their bathroom, why did they buy a 12 pack of Coke when tap water is just as good, why do they have 2 dogs instead of 1, and just on and on. It was mean spirited. The thing is that he didn't do it all that often, so I kept writing it off because he was really good in other ways. He would pay for everything for me, and he would write me the sweetest letters, tell me how beautiful I was all the time. He would love anything I cooked. I think that is the hardest part I have had with moving on. He was actually very good to me at times, so I'm troubled with who he really was.

 

It's like they have two different personalities. I really can understand why you would try to overlook when he would be so mean. I did the same thing with my ex. I could not even believe some of the mean, arrogant things he would say, but those words were counter-balanced with the sweet, loving, generous, funny, fun man.

 

I also wonder if he is like this with his new girl, or, if because she has so much to offer him, whether he is trying very hard to control himself better. Is he able to control himself? Or does the true personality eventually come out?

[Mariposa10]

Your ex, sounds so immature, silly and mean!

 

*tries to make OP feel better*

[BC1980]

Hang in there OP. Its an uphill battle that really likes to push us to our absolute limits! Im 14 months BU and NC, (Broke it 7 weeks ago when we crossed paths accidently, i called her a cheating whore)

 

And im still not over what happened. But your bound to still feel raw emotions because your only 1 month NC.

 

It will get better. And btw, cant you move town? Start a fresh that way?

 

I do plan to move in about a year for a fresh start. I never wanted to stay in this town anyway, so there is nothing holding me back now. I do want to save a little more money and get vested in my company, which will be in 11 months. I guess it's best I don't make any major decisions right now anyway.