Is it better when they don't reach out?

[Erlaad]

"Jove but laughs at lovers' perjury"

 

This is a terrible yet so true quote I always try to keep in my mind. When we're in love, we make promises because both we feel what we are saying, and we want to please our partner. We want to keep him/her and we think that promising undying love is going to cementify our feelings.

 

Sadly, we all know here that this is not true. We wouldn't be here if it was! So, to OP and everyone involved in the discussion, do not dwell on thoughts about "how could he move on / how could she say these things to me". You're just wasting energies thinking on them. They have no more right to occupy our thoughts. We do not know if they meants what they say to us or if they mean it to their new partner. We can't know.

 

This shouldn't mean we stop trusting other people - it would be plain silly. Do we stop eating to all restaurants if we feel sick from eating to a specific place? Not really, we'd more probably stop eating in THAT restaurant. This reaction is just self-defense of the mind trying to convince itself that's the only way not to suffer.

 

Big hugs to everyone, I'm with you all the time.

 

- Erl

[julzfromsa]

Nailed it right on. My last break up came out of no where; with no warning. It really is like grieving a death. Talking everyday and seeing him three to four days a week, and then out of nowhere nothing. After he broke up with me I haven't heard from him at all. I've deleted him and all his friends off Facebook and all our pictures, I put all the things he got me in a box or bag and put it at my parents place. It's like he never existed, and I don't think I'll ever find out why we broke up. I don't understand it and I hate that. I hate seeing people hurting too. But I know we'll all get through this.

 

I've done the same with the photos and social media except i have deleted them. If i didn't delete and throw away i would be searching for some meaning in them. Ill probably regret it one day in the future but i need to get into that future first and hopefully intact. I too believe its harder to to deal with a GIGS broken heart than a death. Its cruel, and almost unbearable. The person i love it 20 mins away and i cannot see their face, talk to them and they wish to deny my existence. What do we do form here. Look after ourselves best we can and wait fir time to heal.. Is there anything more??? No pill anyone?

[singme2sleep]

Reading LadyM and Sing's dialogue really made me take a look at myself. It makes me want to move on faster now without looking for reconnection. I never want to cross paths with my X loser again.

 

Sing and LadyM, once you move on from them emotionally, they will want you back. And you will not even care enough to hate them anymore. You'll just be like...."ew, been there done that".

 

Sing, I feel for you truly. I can see your pain in the words you write. Don't allow this man to make you bitter, and what goes around comes around.

 

Glad our exchange helped you. I have been told that he'll contact me when I no longer care but I'm not sure if I believe it. In a few weeks it will be a year since he threw me out of his life and it just seems unlikely that he might suddenly "see the light" because he hasn't already. Furthermore, he hurt me so deeply by walking away and not looking back, that I don't know if I could forgive him or even trust him again.

[singme2sleep]

I have heard it said they death of a spouse or partner is easier in some ways. I don't know, but it is different I'm sure. It's been so hard for me to accept because he seemed so genuine, and I trusted him when he said we would be together forever. I struggle to understand how someone who said those things could be the same person who doesn't want to be with me. I just keep thinking BUT he said this and that, ect.

 

I'm so scared I will be stuck in this place forever. I want to find love again, but I sometimes feel I'm not capable. I think that scares me the most.

 

I'm right there with you. I keep telling myself if I could just understand HOW, then I could finally get over it. I don't really talk about him with the people in my life because I feel they all think I should be over him by now.

 

And like you, I too want to find love again. I miss having someone hold me at night and I miss the feeling of sheer bliss. They say there's many fish in the sea but I don't connect with just anyone...

[singme2sleep]

Nailed it right on. My last break up came out of no where; with no warning. It really is like grieving a death. Talking everyday and seeing him three to four days a week, and then out of nowhere nothing. After he broke up with me I haven't heard from him at all. I've deleted him and all his friends off Facebook and all our pictures, I put all the things he got me in a box or bag and put it at my parents place. It's like he never existed, and I don't think I'll ever find out why we broke up. I don't understand it and I hate that. I hate seeing people hurting too. But I know we'll all get through this.

 

I thought of a good analogy. When we were with them, we were this medication that they needed in some way. They relied on us and we knew we were important to them. Suddenly they wake up and decide they aren't going to "take us" anymore, cold turkey. We are beyond confused, we can't understand how they could quit us so easily without even the slightest bit of withdrawal.

[Angry bird]

Would it be fair though, to stay in a relationship that you are not fully "in"?

 

I am separating from my husband, we have been together since spring 2001. I am no longer in love with him. He knows it, but wants me to stay despite not being fulfilled emotionally and sexually. And, I care about him so much and don't want to hurt him, that at one point I was doing just that. staying for his benefit and not my own. Eventually, when I fell in love with the "X loser", I realized the intimacy I was missing and so badly needed to exist as a woman.

 

My point is: things change. I would never want to hurt the man that has been my partner, a damn good provider and father for so many years...but for my own life and health...I need too. It's hard. But, hearts will break. My heart is broken from the demise of my marriage too. In ever planned on falling for "X loser", and even though it ended horribly, at least I realized how unhappy I was in this marriage.

 

I think we can all heal in our own time, but we need to accept that nothing, and I mean nothing stays exactly the same. We just take it so damn personally all the time. It's not you, it's not me, it's not our douche bag X's...it's life circumstances that we decide are not what we want at this moment.

 

I'm sorry for the rant...I didn't intend for it to go on that long

[lovelylilly]

I'm right there with you. I keep telling myself if I could just understand HOW, then I could finally get over it. I don't really talk about him with the people in my life because I feel they all think I should be over him by now.

 

And like you, I too want to find love again. I miss having someone hold me at night and I miss the feeling of sheer bliss. They say there's many fish in the sea but I don't connect with just anyone...

 

I don't talk about it with my friends and family either. One reason is because they're all as confused as I am and can't really give me answers, and another reason is because I know they're going to get tired of me asking "why", and they think I should be over it. I would give anything to just talk to him and tell me why.

[EmperorR]

I haven't heard from my ex fiance since 2008 not a peep. I know she's married now to the dude she started dating two weeks after she dumped me and I'm just a afterthought. It sucks because I think of her all the time still, and those 3 years together meant nothing just one big lie.

[Sam23]

I think nc is better than contact cause it rids you of any hope, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell.

 

Its been 7-8 months since I've heard from someone I really cared about. It makes me feel worthless because he's off in a new relationship. I still think about him a lot and had some hope that he'd come back, but I know he won't. I know it's over and he'll prob never reach out. I know I probably cross his mind cause no one ever really forgets the past, but he's actually doing me a favor when he doesn't reach out to see how I'm doing. I never thought I'd feel that way, but its actually helped me move on. I hear exes always resurface when you least expect it, but I'm to the point where I hope he doesn't cause it will just set me back. Yea, I'll never get the apology I feel I deserve, but at this point I no longer need it to feel ok.

[Never Again]

Would it be fair though, to stay in a relationship that you are not fully "in"?

 

I am separating from my husband, we have been together since spring 2001. I am no longer in love with him. He knows it, but wants me to stay despite not being fulfilled emotionally and sexually. And, I care about him so much and don't want to hurt him, that at one point I was doing just that. staying for his benefit and not my own. Eventually, when I fell in love with the "X loser", I realized the intimacy I was missing and so badly needed to exist as a woman.

 

My point is: things change. I would never want to hurt the man that has been my partner, a damn good provider and father for so many years...but for my own life and health...I need too. It's hard. But, hearts will break. My heart is broken from the demise of my marriage too. In ever planned on falling for "X loser", and even though it ended horribly, at least I realized how unhappy I was in this marriage.

 

I think we can all heal in our own time, but we need to accept that nothing, and I mean nothing stays exactly the same. We just take it so damn personally all the time. It's not you, it's not me, it's not our douche bag X's...it's life circumstances that we decide are not what we want at this moment.

 

I'm sorry for the rant...I didn't intend for it to go on that long

 

Well, the real question is - did you both try to fix it before it got to the point of breaking...and did you both try to see if it could be resolved after?

 

Things do change, and sometimes love and relationships get put on the backburner. It's awful, especially when you grow to truly care about someone. I'll never advocate for someone to stay in a relationship they don't find fulfilling, but I'll also argue that people should speak up for what they need to try to get it before they leave.

 

If your husband wasn't providing the intimacy, sex and emotional support you needed...did you let him know? Did he choose to neglect you? Did you grow apart without realizing it?

 

These are mostly rhetorical questions and I don't expect you to answer them necessarily. I just hate the idea of leaving a relationship you're not really "in" when most folks just expect things to work by magic. As a man, I can say that I'm often completely oblivious to the emotional and intimate needs of the woman I date. I try my best, but my timing can be off...or I can be wrapped up in my own problems and forget.

 

I am not aiming this at you at all...just a general thought that many people seem to give up when they're not "in" it...instead of trying to see if it's possible to ever get back "in".

[Angry bird]

Yes, I spoke up. I begged. I asked if it was the baby weight. I lost the weight, went back to my model size and look. I dragged him into therapy, only then did I realize I married an emotionally traumatized son of an alcoholic.

 

He promised he would address the issues that kept him from intimacy, he never did. Recently, he apologized for not acting on it. I accepted the apology.

 

I can't change him. I have to be happy and fulfilled, and I will cheat on him, (because I need and like sex) if I stay. No sex in 3 years. I'm 34! To young for that.