Need advice please...

[philly]

Ok, this is a rather long story but I need some advice from people that don't know me. 6 months ago I started a job and met a married guy at work. It started off very platonically. We hit it off and of course, there was an obvious attraction. He had been in an unhappy marriage for a while. He dated the girl for 7 years and then had been married for 3. We hemmed and hawed about what to do about it and then one day we decided to "consumate" the relationship. It just took off from there. He asked his wife for a divorce (it has been final for a couple of months) and we started dating.

 

It became very intense, very fast. Both of us felt that we had found what we had been looking for. We got an apartment together shortly there after and have been living together for 3 months. During this time, we have done everything together...go to work...go home...any extra activities. Also, his parents are very upset. They are both alcoholics and pretty controlling. HIs parents have told him that they won't welcome me into their home. And also he suffers from depression and after he left his ex, he stopped taking his medication.

 

I also must add, he has been able to tell me things that he has never told anyone. He can be honest with me as to exactly how he feels. We share the same passions and wants. We love the same things. He can be himself without me judging him.

 

Well, the holidays rolled around and he started getting very depressed. Family is important to him and he wasn't going to be able to spend Christmas with me at his parents house, his mom was manipulating him by using his ex's brother against him. (This little boy is like an adopted son to him) She would tell him he cried and missed him, so he felt very responsible.

 

Well, on Christmas eve, he told me he wasn't sure what he wanted...that maybe he wanted to get back together with his ex and the reasons why. I have to say, he has been very honest with me, even though it hurts me like hell. He moved out (to his parents because he really doesn't have any money) and this has been since 12/26. In the interim, he has started taking his medication and is starting counseling on this coming Monday. We didn't see each other for a few days and well, obviously I was devistated...I did not see this coming.

 

He has said that he needs some time for himself. He wants us to find our own things to do. He never had any time between relationships. But he has told me that he feels better about us and that he sees hope for us. We are talking more and more. He reaches out to me now.

 

I am pretty sure he was missing the family Christmas (how could he not...it was the same for 10 years). And he is not sure what those feelings mean...if he still loves her or not. I told him that feelings just don't die and of course he probably still loves her, but he is confused as to the type of love.

 

Anyway, I have had many long term relationships and I know that this one is special. Am I silly for giving him his space and still wanting to be with him? He is a good man and seems truly lost. I know he does love me, but I believe that he wants to take a step back to make sure he didn't rush into something to make the divorce easier for him.

 

Thoughts????

[snipit3172]

hi he probably just need time to sort out things in his head it wont be helping him with his parents not wanting to accept you also with his exes little brother he will feel emotionally attacthed to him and just neeeds to work things out for himself in his head it does sound like he loves you but just give him time i hope it all works out for the best

[helena abadi]

it takes a while for love to die. jumping from a marriage straight into another committed relationship is a big ask, and it sounds as tho he does need some space and time to sort himself out.

 

he needs a breather.

 

but set boundaries for yourself and your needs too. and set a time frame for yourself and the relationship. if he's still sorting himself out in 2 years time, maybe you are burning daylight.

 

try not to pursue coz the distancing partner will distance even faster, which will create more distance between you.

 

find some other interesting things to do, link with friends you might not have seen for a while who might have been neglected while you focused more on the relationship.

 

the ex-wife and that part of his life should NOT intrude on your relationship, however. nor should it take priority over his relationship with you. if you start feeling like the other woman again, heed the warning signs.

[philly]

Thanks for the advice. That's what I think too. It is so hard to give him space when I see him every day at work. I try let him come to me, which seems to work. As long as I don't push, he seems to be there. I hope it works out too. It would be a shame if it didn't.

[helena abadi]

Working together is an added pressure. How difficult is that now?

 

Being able to maintain a comfortable distance or closeness can't be easy with the workplace situation as well. Bear in mind the dance of intimacy. We vary in our closeness and distance to a person with whom we are intimately involved. It is never, ever static. It's how we manage that dance that matters.

 

I'm always wearing out shoes!

 

We become more aware of distance when one person moves away. Distance, that feeling of empty spaces, scare people, particularly women, after the first few months of fusion when desire to be close is so overwhelming.

 

I've done some reading, to save my own sanity. Relationships are cyclical. The website Psychology Today has an excellent article on this, which may help you understand what is happening. Sorry, I forget what the story is called. If you can't find it, let me know. I may have a copy stored somewhere.

 

Many relationships start with expansion and promise, and may move on to a golden summer of fulfillment, but this stage is temporary and sooner or later one partner, usually the man, reverts to his old routine and may appear to be withdrawing. (Sound familiar?)

 

Women tend to stay emotionally connected for longer. This stage of contraction is followed by feelings of betrayal of earlier promises, and conflict. e.g. the first rip roaring arguments..

 

How the couple deals with the conflict and this feeling of betrayal, determines whether they will be able to reach resolution and recapture that lovely expansion stage and the ''summer" stage.

 

Many couples break up at the point of conflict and betrayal of promises, unable to resolve, or the feelings weren't that strong in the expansion stage, which may be called ''spring''. Or the expansion stage was too short for any depth of intimacy to be established.

 

Conflict resolution is a steep learning curve, one we climb all our lives, I believe.

 

Each relationship has a home base, a state of health or disease, in which the two people reside when the cycle is temporarily at rest. This varies enormously from couple to couple.... it can be relatively harmonious or fraught with tension or anything in between!

 

Good luck, Philly. Let us know how you are travelling.

[LoveHurtz]

Philly...wow you are dealing with alot. It must be tough on you. It sounds like you two share quite a bit of love and feelings for each other. I agree with the other posts. I think he may need some time. My MM struggles with guilt also. Sometimes MM know what makes them happy but they are conflicted inside. They sacrifice their own happiness to appease their W or family. But, eventually they figure out that you can't live your life sacrificing your happiness for others.

 

Give him the time and space he needs while being there for him emotionally. If things don't change in a reasonable time and he still seems ambivalent....count your losses, start the grief process, and move on. I know it's easier said than done...trust me. But, you have to consider you too.