He's acting weird...I need some light

[violet1]

Why would you say that I need to let him go?

 

Well...the way I always looked at is; if I'm going to take the risk of having an affair, I should at least be getting my needs met. My exMOM fulfilled every need and more. He was married, kids and 2 jobs, but he still contacted me daily. So..I never felt the fruatrations you're experiencing. He and I just became too close. The intensity of the emotions were very difficult to deal with.

 

If you feel like he's fulfilling your needs and you're content with the situation then continue. However, what I took from your original post is that you're not. That's why I suggested to let him go and find someone else. When I was in my affair, I wanted the continuous communication and friendship. I didn't want it based on sex. I have a hard time relaxing sexually if there's not some kind of friendship in the mix first. I guess it all depends on what you want in an affair.

[irresolute]

I feel drained most of the time, because he's hot and cold with me. When he's interested, he initiates. but when he got what he wanted, he's cold and he makes me suffer.

Now, for example. We've been talking all morning. He texted I could go to his home right that moment. I replied 2 hours later I can't meet him today. Silence. He hasn't replied anything.

 

I now have the urge to contact him, ask him what he's doing, chit chat, whatever. But I just can't because Im scared he wouldn't reply. I'm scared of his silence because that should mean he's talking to someone else, or that he's not interested in talking to me. I'm going crazy. And this has been like this for more than a year...

I'd really want to text him...

[Oldspiceywolf]

Ok, so you like the thrill of this guy when it's on but when it's off it's annoying and draining.

 

I'm not sure how you feel about having multiple active partners, I don't remember if you said it or not but are you sexually active with your husband?

 

If you can tolerate seeing multiple people I would let this guy just contact you when he sees fit, don't contact him, at least not for anything other than something quick, and keep searching for another better suitor. Gould don't even have to work hard at it, when you find a guy who grabs your attention your fascination with this guy will just dissipate.

 

I understand the fascination with Ashley Madison, you can just shop and everyone there knows what your there for.

 

What's your flirt game like, I think the gym is a badass place to meet anyone who wants to get it on.

 

But I agree with those few posts above that think you should start moving away from this guy if he's not giving you what you need, you already have a relationship that fulfills that role.

[violet1]

I feel drained most of the time, because he's hot and cold with me. When he's interested, he initiates. but when he got what he wanted, he's cold and he makes me suffer.

Now, for example. We've been talking all morning. He texted I could go to his home right that moment. I replied 2 hours later I can't meet him today. Silence. He hasn't replied anything.

 

I now have the urge to contact him, ask him what he's doing, chit chat, whatever. But I just can't because Im scared he wouldn't reply. I'm scared of his silence because that should mean he's talking to someone else, or that he's not interested in talking to me. I'm going crazy. And this has been like this for more than a year...

I'd really want to text him...

 

Please don't take this offensively, but it sounds like he's treating you like a booty call. He's stopped talking to you after you told him you can't get together? What does that tell you? If you've known him a year, there's no reason to feel so awkward about communication. You should feel comfortable enough to know how far to go with contact. I don't think the two of you are on the same page with this affair. You need to either tell him what you need to keep this affair going or drop him like it's hot.

[irresolute]

Please don't take this offensively, but it sounds like he's treating you like a booty call. He's stopped talking to you after you told him you can't get together? What does that tell you? If you've known him a year, there's no reason to feel so awkward about communication. You should feel comfortable enough to know how far to go with contact. I don't think the two of you are on the same page with this affair. You need to either tell him what you need to keep this affair going or drop him like it's hot.

 

 

I just don't see it this way. I think he got mad because he really wanted to see me and he didn't know how to reply... This has happened in the past. I, for some reason, got mad at him and said that I'm not contacting him anymore, and that this is a goodbye...And he said nothing. Nothing at all. Later I'd asked him why he didn't respond, he just said he didn't know what to say.

 

But yeah, I agree in that I maybe a booty call...Lately he wanted me to go immediately to his home, like if he had an urge he cannot refrain. I said no every time. Most of the times, lately, we met in my own terms. In fact, I don't reply to his messages when he initiates. Just for him to know who has the power.

I know it is a fake power, because I do care for him and he does not, but at least I have some control over this mess.

 

Now, I know this is a messy situation, yet I cannot get out of it. I think about him and really want to see him

After I refused to meet him yesterday, we haven't had any contact yet he's online on AM (and me as well!). I suppose he's waiting for me to confirm about today, but I cannot meet him today either, so I'll probably don't contact him until next week, when I'll be more available.

[stillafool]

Hello, I haven't heard about those rumors at all...what I can tell you is that people there is pretty normal there, you'd never imagined who has a profile up. Professionals etc. but yeah, I agree in that crazy and mentally challenged people are everywhere.

I thought you were referring to him actually, because I find weird a single man looking for married woman. I mean, what kind of fantasy they may have?

This guy has a strange one: he wants to taste me after I've had sex with another man (husband or whatever). He has this fantasy of a threesome with two men. I find this quite disturbing.

He actually contacted me yesterday night.

 

I hope you are using condoms because he sounds like a closet homosexual. I imagine the reason he is looking to only be involved with MW is because he doesn't really want a woman for anything other than sexual pleasure and to lure hook ups with other men. This guy does not want you.

[irresolute]

I hope you are using condoms because he sounds like a closet homosexual. I imagine the reason he is looking to only be involved with MW is because he doesn't really want a woman for anything other than sexual pleasure and to lure hook ups with other men. This guy does not want you.

 

Yes, we are, and we've also been tested several times already.

How come he could be a closet homo if he's been involved with women all of his life? I do agree in that he is weird. I know for sure he's been visiting homo chats, but all men do this at some point of their lives, or not?

[stillafool]

My aunt was married to my uncle who was having sex with men on the side. He was very romantic and loving with her. He also wanted three ways with other men. I guess that's the part of your story that struck me. Sometimes they also like having sex with women and sometimes they use women as "beards". I'm not aware of any man I've been involved with visiting chat rooms for gay males. I don't think that behavior is normal for a heterosexual male. Do you?

Edited December 27, 2013 by stillafool

[irresolute]

No, I don't think it is usual, but some men have curiosity and not for that reason are gay. Still, that fantasy of me being with him and other man sounds weird to me. I used to think men preferred two girls in a threesome.

For some reason, I'm starting to doubt he is who he claims to be. I'd never know whether he has some homo tendencies or not, what I'm starting to realize right now is that this situation is extremely tangled up, and I'm reluctant to contact him again in the short term.

[whichwayisup]

My aunt was married to my uncle who was having sex with men on the side. He was very romantic and loving with her. He also wanted three ways with other men. I guess that's the part of your story that struck me. Sometimes they also like having sex with women and sometimes they use women as "beards". I'm not aware of any man I've been involved with visiting chat rooms for gay males. I don't think that behavior is normal for a heterosexual male. Do you?

 

Yup, one of my neighbours is gay, married to a woman and has kids in their 20's, and he lives in the house but does his own thing, goes on 'trips' for 2-3 weeks at a time 4 or 5 times a year.

 

Never say never. Either he is totally in closet and is living out fantasy or he's explored this on his own, though I doubt he'll ever admit it to anybody.

[Oldspiceywolf]

Have you asked hi if he wanted to add another man to your encounters?

You could say you like being with two guys at once and see if he's interested although that doesn't mean he's gay or bi unless he admits to that.

I think you like the game more than anything.

Your line about the power in the relationship is kinda telling.

 

What would your ideal outcome in this situation be?

[irresolute]

Have you asked hi if he wanted to add another man to your encounters?

You could say you like being with two guys at once and see if he's interested although that doesn't mean he's gay or bi unless he admits to that.

I think you like the game more than anything.

Your line about the power in the relationship is kinda telling.

 

What would your ideal outcome in this situation be?

 

 

Yes, I suggested a threesome thinking in two gilrs and him, but he twisted and made me agreed to two men and me, saying it was my fantasy (?? It was totally not!!) Anyways, we never did it. He also suggested he wanted to sneak in my bed with husband more than one time, but then he said it was a joke.

 

I love the game. I'm feeling low right now because he's not been logging into AM, nor he has contacted me after I told him I couldn't meet him yesterday. I remember I told him we could meet today but I also flaked, and haven't contacted him.

I don't know what to do. this has never happened before. It is me who is desperate to see him, and him always accepting (or not) my desires. I feel bad for him. Should I?

 

There is not outcome to this situation. My ideal would be that he'd fall in love with me, and I'd dump him. That would be my ideal. All this painful process just to make him to love me, and it's not working. And now these red flags about homosexuality, I just don;t know what to do. I suppose I'll let things cool down, and I'll probably contact him again in a couple of weeks, if he's still available.

[stillafool]

 

 

There is not outcome to this situation. My ideal would be that he'd fall in love with me, and I'd dump him. That would be my ideal. All this painful process just to make him to love me, and it's not working. And now these red flags about homosexuality, I just don;t know what to do. I suppose I'll let things cool down, and I'll probably contact him again in a couple of weeks, if he's still available.

 

So basically you are just playing with him? It's not going to work because he doesn't care enough.

[ZMM]

I know for sure he's been visiting homo chats, but all men do this at some point of their lives, or not?

 

Definitely not true.

[irresolute]

So basically you are just playing with him? It's not going to work because he doesn't care enough.

 

How do you know he doesnt care enough? I already know this, I want o know your point of view

[Oldspiceywolf]

So I think we've come to a nice place with this thread.

This isn't about what he thinks so much it's more about manipulating him into a position, cool, now we can address that.

 

Let me say I've had both types of threesomes and the ones with two guys are more fun. I'm not gay or bi, I'm almost open minded lol! But the MFM are more exciting and more relaxed because pleasing a woman is work, lot easier to share the responsibility as opposed to having the Lone responsibility of pleasing two non-bi women. I'm saying I don't think he's gay I think he's kinky!

 

Now if you want to entice this guy I think it might be effective to ask him if he would be turned on seeing you with another guy! Even if your not into this it might be your avenue to manipulate him into feeling the way you want him to.

 

Dealing with this guy is easy you just need to find his currency then dispense it irregularly. You can train him like a dog as long as you have what he wants and you give it only SOMETIMES after he's completed the desired behavior! You'll have to reward him everytime at first.

 

If you can't find his currency or if you can't get into it the he wins and you lose. Sometimes you just can't make someone fall for you in which case it's a stalemate.

 

If you decide to test my theory I would start by sending him a message saying you are going to meet another guy and you were wondering if he wanted to see you either before or after. I don't think you can push this guy away with anything like this and I bet he's super into it. You don't have to merry another guy but I would have some intimate details already laid out just in case he wants to hear about it.

[Oldspiceywolf]

How do you know he doesnt care enough? I already know this, I want o know your point of view

 

Because guys who care jump through hoops, always!

I just read an article saying if you want to know if a guy cares about you the. Stress him out, if he's indifferent or pulls away he doesn't care about you he just cares about what he's getting.

Edited December 28, 2013 by Oldspiceywolf
Unfinished

[irresolute]

And do you think it's worth it? I mean, if he doesn't care much , I'm doing all this effort just to please him for a moment he will forget later.

Plus, he's fantasy was me having sex with husband, then going see him without showering so he could taste everything (sorry if this is too much description).

I'm feeling sad today because I just can't let him go, the sole thought makes me sad. On the other hand, I wonder if it's worth it...

[irresolute]

Allrighty....So, sent him a text saying goodmorning 1 hour ago and no reply. Now I'm feeling f****** sad. I'm way too much involved to play games with him. F***.

I don't think this is going to work, I'm definitely not the bad girl type of woman, and his silence hurts more than a million needles, sooo I think it's time to move on. Thoughts?

[Realist3]

Seems like you are playing games with each other. Just doesn't seem like a good recipe. Affairs work because both people are on the same page, working together. You two are definitely not doing that after a year.

[Sunny_Girl]

It's obvious based on his lack of interest (unless on his terms), not responding to texts (takes two seconds to respond), etc. Let it go and move on.

[irresolute]

I think he might be mad since I flaked two times in a row, AFTER he confided me his secrets fantasies. could this be the case or I am digging too deep into this?

[KathyM]

Please don't take this offensively, but it sounds like he's treating you like a booty call. He's stopped talking to you after you told him you can't get together? What does that tell you?

Bingo. Somebody finally said it, and it took 30 posts to do so. This man is not looking for a relationship of any kind. He's looking to hook up, NSA sex, and with married women, he figures there will be no expectations on their part. He's not looking for a relationship with you. He's there strictly for sex, and with multiple partners. He's willing to still fit you in the rotation among the other women he finds on there, but don't expect anything more than that. It sounds like you are looking for some kind of boyfriend/girlfriend relationship from him, and that's not what he's after. He's there for NSA sex and nothing more, and with women he knows will be extremely low maintenance. You are trying to get more out of him and seem to have some expectations from him, but he's only interested in NSA sex with no expectations whatsoever. It's unfortunate you allow yourself to be treated this way, and keep asking for more of the same.

[irresolute]

Bingo. Somebody finally said it, and it took 30 posts to do so. This man is not looking for a relationship of any kind. He's looking to hook up, NSA sex, and with married women, he figures there will be no expectations on their part. He's not looking for a relationship with you. He's there strictly for sex, and with multiple partners. He's willing to still fit you in the rotation among the other women he finds on there, but don't expect anything more than that. It sounds like you are looking for some kind of boyfriend/girlfriend relationship from him, and that's not what he's after. He's there for NSA sex and nothing more, and with women he knows will be extremely low maintenance. You are trying to get more out of him and seem to have some expectations from him, but he's only interested in NSA sex with no expectations whatsoever. It's unfortunate you allow yourself to be treated this way, and keep asking for more of the same.

 

Really? I'm not that stupid, I'm having my thrill as well. I can't offer him anything more than sex. I'm not seeking a relationship per se. Why are you saying he's using me, when we are both using each other? He is not forcing me in any way, it's me who look for him, because I'm bored, because I feel excited with him.

Do you think I don't know he's having multiple partners? I do know that, and he knows I know. what's the problem? You're trying to make me feel like I am the one looking for a relationship when I'm not, and he the one who wants sex only when it suits him. That's not the truth. I look for him because I crave that excitement, and he's always there.

 

Now, what I don't like is him not being constant, or maybe it's me who gets obsessed over this.

he has replied my text from this morning, 3 hours later. Is this a game or what?

[KathyM]

Really? I'm not that stupid, I'm having my thrill as well.

You seem to have a lot more expectations for him, and he is not tolerating any kind of expectations from you. When he wants sex, he'll contact you. If you're not up for that at that moment, he won't contact you for awhile. He'll move on to someone else. You're expecting him to act like some kind of normal affair partner that engages in a pseudo boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, with calling, texting, communicating, caring. That's not what this guy wants. He's made that very clear. He's only interested in the sex, and only on his terms. It seems you are interested in more than that, so it doesn't sound like this guy is going to fill that role you are looking for.

Why are you saying he's using me, when we are both using each other?

You are expecting more from him than he is willing to give. He is only looking for a booty call with no expectations whatsoever from you. Kind of sucks to be treated that way, doesn't it?

Do you think I don't know he's having multiple partners? I do know that, and he knows I know. what's the problem? You're trying to make me feel like I am the one looking for a relationship when I'm not, and he the one who wants sex only when it suits him. That's not the truth. I look for him because I crave that excitement, and he's always there.

Well, you are the one wondering why he's not answering your texts or contacting you when he is on the site. It sounds like you have expectations from him. You need to realize that, with him, there can be no expectations on your part. He will contact you when he wants sex from you. Or if you contact him first, he may respond if he's interested in meeting up at the time, and if not, he likely won't respond to your calls/texts. You can't have any expectations with a guy like this.

Now, what I don't like is him not being constant, or maybe it's me who gets obsessed over this.

he has replied my text from this morning, 3 hours later. Is this a game or what?

Not a game, per se. He's just not interested in giving any more than very minimal effort to keep that booty available to him on his terms.