21 year marriage and desperate to leave but the guilt won't let me

[mia5]

Hi,

 

ive been married for a little over 21 years. I married at 19 very young nd naive. We were both young and had to grow up fast, soon after started a family, at 21yrs old instead of having my first drink i had my second child and my first mortgage. We both worked hard, hardly saw each other or spent time for the sake of not taking the kids to day care we did opposite shifts at work. This went on for the first 16 yrs of our marriage.

He was layed off from his job and took it very hard, the man i thought i knew, surprised me. He drank, he pitted himself this went on for weeks, i supported him encouraged him to go to school, he finally picked himself up and did. I thought this episode of the drinking was only because of his lay off understandable..right? I soon found out that it wasnt. His drinking got worse and worse, and i could not understand why...he had finished school and got a terrific job...so why the drinking?

This went on for years..i couldn't make love to him no more, we didnt speak because mmost of the time he was drunk...he is what they call a productive alcoholic. His abuse got worse to where it was physical with him and i and my kids were in the middle of it. He would cry and say sorry to us but soon as the weekend came he was drunk aggressive just an ******* with me and the kids.

I threatened to leave and he said he would stop drinking and he did for 2mths...but for so may years with the same treatment i could not trust him so he went back to drinking and said whats the point "nothing changed" he wants me to forget in 2mths what he has done in 10yrs. He blames me for everything. He doesn't see his drinking as a problem.

Recently i met a friend we talk and he gives me advice...its like a breath of fresh air being able to talk to another person without being judge... I have friends and family but they always say you have to work it out youve been married too long and your this and that...but they dont have a marriage like mine...they dont understand what goes on behind close doors... There was times were we would literally get into a physical fight right before a family event... We would get to the event with all smiles like nothing happened and my kids would witness everything. Nobody ever knew no one we kept it to ourself for many years until recently. I want to leave him. I cant afford a place big enough to take my kids. My kids are grown btw 22,18,15 its the 18 and 15 im concerned about. The guilt for me to leave the kids here untl the divorce finalizes wont let me leave. He is very controlling and jealous he takes my keys..i recently had to purchase my own car because he took away the one i had because it was under his "name' only this is the kind of stuff i have to deal with... The day before xmas i wanted to drop off gifts at friends moms house and he would not allow me to go sat next to me the whole time...bullying me until it got physical my youngest son got in the middle holding his father down... After 2hours of this he fell asleep... Got up the next day like nothing happened just another day...so tired of this but dont know the first step as to what to do. My friend has offered to open his home until i save enough money to get a big enough place to bring my kids but so afraid my husband will find out....im just tired and want out

 

sorry this was so long, thanks for reading my story.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I'm rather glad that your story finally wound around to a place where you really could feel some legitimate guilt... because for most of that I was thinking:

 

"what does she have to be guilty about???

 

 

Do the right thing for everybody involved... leave him immediately... and begin to repair your own life... and through that, set a proper example for your kids.

 

 

I'm interested to know whether you yourself have an alcoholic parent?

[Hazleyez]

Hi Mia5. I live your story. I have been married 25yrs to a functioning alcoholic with 3 older children who watch everything and look at me as their mother for protection. As tired of it as you are... They are more so. My fear was always what he would do and after so long the change itself. Unless you have lived it, you can't understand. It is hard. But you can make a change and show your kids his behavior is WRONG. It's inexcusable. By staying I always felt like I enabled his behavior and made excuses for why he acted the way he does. I recently made the decision to leave. I have stayed with my oldest daughter and left my youngest 16yr old at home with him, I did give my son the option to come with me and explained why I was leaving. He chose to stay. This crushed me...truth is when I'm not around he is nicer to my son, and this is temporary until I file for divorce, request alimony, and custody of my son. It is gut wrenching to not be with my son every day. My husband, has done all the manipulative, controlling things he's always done...and now he sees it's not going to work this time...he's telling me how much he needs me and he loves me. For me it's easier when he's "mean". I always wanted to believe he could change...his actions and the damage that has been done...it's over. My suggestion is to make your decision and stand by it. Your friend sounds very nice and that will help you as you need support but I wouldn't stay with him. No need to throw gas on the fire...Also do not let your decisions be affected by any guilt, walk away with a clear conscience. Talk to your family and other friends...they don't have to understand, they just need to support your decision and hear the fact how unhappy you are. Remember to take one day at a time and know what you're going through is temporary. Take back your control and your happiness. Do this for you and to set the example for your kids.

[trippi1432]

Hi Mia5. I live your story. I have been married 25yrs to a functioning alcoholic with 3 older children who watch everything and look at me as their mother for protection. As tired of it as you are... They are more so. My fear was always what he would do and after so long the change itself. Unless you have lived it, you can't understand. It is hard. But you can make a change and show your kids his behavior is WRONG. It's inexcusable. By staying I always felt like I enabled his behavior and made excuses for why he acted the way he does. I recently made the decision to leave. I have stayed with my oldest daughter and left my youngest 16yr old at home with him, I did give my son the option to come with me and explained why I was leaving. He chose to stay. This crushed me...truth is when I'm not around he is nicer to my son, and this is temporary until I file for divorce, request alimony, and custody of my son. It is gut wrenching to not be with my son every day. My husband, has done all the manipulative, controlling things he's always done...and now he sees it's not going to work this time...he's telling me how much he needs me and he loves me. For me it's easier when he's "mean". I always wanted to believe he could change...his actions and the damage that has been done...it's over. My suggestion is to make your decision and stand by it. Your friend sounds very nice and that will help you as you need support but I wouldn't stay with him. No need to throw gas on the fire...Also do not let your decisions be affected by any guilt, walk away with a clear conscience. Talk to your family and other friends...they don't have to understand, they just need to support your decision and hear the fact how unhappy you are. Remember to take one day at a time and know what you're going through is temporary. Take back your control and your happiness. Do this for you and to set the example for your kids.

 

Amen!!! Like and Like again!! I often wondered if my exH who was like this would change when our son turned 18. I pretty much knew that if he didn't change (and why would he give up the alcohol and the drugs - heard those empty promises all too often) I would most likely be the one to leave. The only marriages worth saving are the ones that have something salvagable....like when there once was real love there and not someone who always needed a scapegoat, someone to blame, someone to control.....none of that is love in any form.

 

I agree as well, move on your own, nice of this other person (man) to offer, but you need clarity, not another emotional problem in your life. Good luck.

[oldshirt]

Just do what it takes to get out. Your kids are old enough to understand and help. You would qualify for a battered women's shelter and restraining order etc etc.

 

The only thing actually holding you back is hope he'll miraculously chance and be decent and trying to put on appearances for the neighbors. I have some news for you, they already know.

 

He's not going to wake up one day and decide to not be an abusive alcoholic and the friends and family that you are trying to put up appearances for have been wondering why you don't get out for years.

 

And the kids that you've been trying to keep an intact home for are adults and know that the home is not intact and want to get you out and keep everyone safe.

 

There is nothing tangible holding you there anymore. The only holding you back is fear, false hope and him. Lose all three of those things and get your life back.

[alonefornow]

Here's a link to the stickied post with some resources for abuse victims. Please make use of some of these resources.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce-2.html#post5367903

[mia5]

sincereonlineguy; no, my father drank but never to the point to pass out and was never abusive. My mother never drank.

[mia5]

hazleyez: Thank you for your response and understanding. The hardest for me is taking the first step, but i know i have to leave i can't continue living like this. For many years i kept quiet never said nothing smiled at parties but people would still ask me whats wrong and i never said a word. Now since i recently spoke out and it was only because my oldest reached out to my sister, family and friends and found out the horror we have lived for years, but my husband is like jackal and hyde he is the sweetest, nice,cool guy around others and made everyone believe that i was the problem that our marriage is ending and now his family has turned their back on me and my family cant believe he could be like that. this is why i rather just stay away from people that don't believe me. I guess its my fault for never speaking out and reaching out for help. The funny thing is that my oldest son is a police officer and deals with domestic issues he is the one who spoke out and is rushing me to leave. i'm just wondering if i leave before divorce , could that go against me for home abandonment when we go in front of the judge? do you know?

[trippi1432]

Personally, I think it's a misnomer that people who put up with this bad behavior from alcoholics must have had a bad alcoholic parent. I hated when my IC tried to blame my mother's one year of going through a traumatic time in her life on why I stayed with an alcoholic for 15 years....no correlation as I had a very good 12 year foundation prior to that of two good parents and never a bad alcoholic episode, I wish my children could have known the same.

 

What I will say on the subject, it's when you have known a good foundation and fall for someone who did not have that, you do hope to be something of a good influence on their life..sometimes it takes years for them to admit you were just the stepping stone and they still carry on in the same bad element that was their crux...the alcohol.

 

Mia5 - I'm sorry you have been going through this, but if your son is experienced in domestic issues and is rushing you to leave, and this is his own father...how much more has been brushed under the carpet in your husband's behavior? Sure some of this is on you for not speaking up; however, if you had would it have been heard? I've seen women like you in your position in Al-Anon and it's heartbreaking how all the blame for their own vices is positioned on you and not the actual problem, the drinking and the behavior from it.

 

I would ask more if, given the lack of family support you have had prior to your son pointing it out, your issues might not be a drinking parent but a more domineering one. It doesn't have to be an alcoholic who sets our people pleasing demeanor into action. You can't fix or solve your husband's issues, but you can certainly change your circumstances.

 

Hazeleyz - you should post your story on your own thread as well. You have very strong posts, but everyone's story is different. People will listen.

Edited December 27, 2013 by trippi1432

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Personally, I think it's a misnomer that people who put up with this bad behavior from alcoholics must have had a bad alcoholic parent. I hated when my IC tried to blame my mother's one year of going through a traumatic time in her life on why I stayed with an alcoholic for 15 years....no correlation as I had a very good 12 year foundation prior to that of two good parents and never a bad alcoholic episode, I wish my children could have known the same.

 

 

 

This makes no sense.

 

 

Somebody could break a leg in a skiing accident and be said to have begun "a traumatic time in her life" (complications from surgery, etc) - and it has nothing to DO with alcoholism.

 

Talk about "no correlation".

 

 

Alcoholism and other such addictions are genetic - you either have the gene for addiction, or you don't.

[trippi1432]

This makes no sense.

 

 

Somebody could break a leg in a skiing accident and be said to have begun "a traumatic time in her life" (complications from surgery, etc) - and it has nothing to DO with alcoholism.

 

Talk about "no correlation".

 

 

Alcoholism and other such addictions are genetic - you either have the gene for addiction, or you don't.

 

I believe that is what I was trying to say SOG, but the question you asked is if she had an alcoholic parent, that correlation is used a lot in psychiatry to determine the dependency and why a woman marries, and sometimes remarries, an alcoholic partner. That's not so much as establishing genetic makeup as it is to establish learned behavior and the role pattern. Usually women like this had an alcoholic father is the symptom that therapists use to establish co-dependency.

 

In my example, and experience in IC, my one experience with my mother watching her deal with her divorce and having a few episodes of drinking were tied to my staying in a 15 year relationship with an alcoholic similar to Mia5's. I don't see the connection as I did not become a caregiver to my mother at the age of 12 when she had these episodes. Nor do I see either of my parents having an active gene for alcoholism; however, if it's genetic, the ability to become an alcoholic can go further back genetically than just the parents for that matter. Just like the cancer gene, everyone could be a carrier, it just depends on what activates it and to what degree.

 

At any rate, Mia5 is not stating that she is the alcoholic, she is in the position of dealing with its fallout, the co-dependent. And, in the case of dealing with alcoholism, narcissism isn't too far away. One source that helped me understand my role and how to get out of its clutches was Articles | Self Empowerment, Personal Growth, Awareness : Melanie Tonia Evans.

 

Mia5, if you are still around and reading, there are some very good empowering articles on the site that could help you get out from under this bad marriage and move forward to a healing and happier life.

[mia5]

I appreciate everyone's responses and advice. I continue to struggle but your advice helped me to make a decision I always knew I had to make. I always considered myself as a strong individual but this has broken me and my spirit like nothing else i have ever experience. Thanks again.