I'm I overreacting?

[StillHurtin]

We had severe snow storms last night and all day 2day. My H works out of town a few miles. The factory is in the country. He is friends w/ a co-worker that happens to be a female. He told me yesturday that she asked him if he could come to town and pick her up and take her to work w/ him. I told him NO! I told him her H can do it in their SUV. Well, he did this morning but H just called me and said he was on his way home but he had to take this other female co-worker home b/c her H couldn't come and get her from work (he works different hours). I said "Ok, see ya in a little bit." and hung up. I was pi$$ed, but didn't want to show him that. He called back and asked me why I hung up so fast and I told him I didn't want him driving in the bad weather and talking on the cell phone. This is hitting too close to home. When we seperated he had an A w/ a woman co-worker and now this. He talked about the OW all the time and now he is talking about this other co-worker a lot too. I feel like I am living my past again. He doesn't work for the same company the OW works anymore.

 

Am I overreacting about this? H knew I didn't want him taking her home. She could of asked anyone else but she asked my H! I don't know if she has many female friends that work there that could of taken her home. If she does, why didn't she ask them (or maybe they didn't go to work b/c of the weather, I don't know.)

[Sweetz]

I don't believe you are over reacting to this situation. He specifically asked you if it was okay with you. After you said no, he went against your word and did it anyways. That was wrong and disrespectful to you especially given the fact that he has a affair in his history with you.

 

So no, you are not over reacting.

[StillHurtin]

Thanks Sweetz, ya know what his stupid reasoning for taking her home? I finally said I was upset b/c I told him I didn't want him to take her to work. He said he didn't take her to work, he took her home. He said he had to go to town anyhow so he would just take her home and he seen no problem in it. He said I told him No about taking her to work, not taking her home. This is his stupid mentality!!! I was so mad that I said "If you want her you can have her!!! And I hope S (her H, I have known him several years) beats the s*** out of you b/c I will stand there and laugh!" I know, this was so wrong of me to say but damn it, he pi$$ed me off and he disrespected my wishes. He is so scared that if he says no she wont like him anymore or something. Could of he told her no and said why, b/c his W doesn't want him to. Then she will probably think he is being controlled by me and he doesn't want to look like a fricken whimp and he cares more about telling her NO than what I feel about it.

[StillHurtin]

I would love to hear some guys opinions on this too. I go to another board that is all MW and they all said they would be upset if their H did this (if he had an A in the past) and that I am not overreacting. They all know my situation. They were wonderful support when I was going through all of it.

 

How would MM react if their W's had a past A and their W gave a male co-worker ride home?

[michelangelo]

Putting aside your distress on the subject for a moment, was this just a one-time request--a favor?

 

If he were like most men he would not want to have to stand there and tell anyone he can't drive someone home from work becuase wifey don't like it.

 

And knowing the why you don't like it--that he cheated in such a situation, he could not even address to them. So he likely just drove her to be nice and to avoid the drama leaking into work.

 

On the other hand, if it is his modus operande to rescue damsels on his way to getting into their pants, I can see why you'd be upset.

 

On yet the other , other hand, do you have evidence of that? Mind you, he did alert you first. he could have just done the driving in secret.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by michelangelo

Putting aside your distress on the subject for a moment, was this just a one-time request--a favor?

 

If he were like most men he would not want to have to stand there and tell anyone he can't drive someone home from work becuase wifey don't like it.

 

And knowing the why you don't like it--that he cheated in such a situation, he could not even address to them. So he likely just drove her to be nice and to avoid the drama leaking into work.

 

On the other hand, if it is his modus operande to rescue damsels on his way to getting into their pants, I can see why you'd be upset.

 

On yet the other , other hand, do you have evidence of that? Mind you, he did alert you first. he could have just done the driving in secret.

 

Thank you michelangelo, your reply is really appreciated. This was a one time favor, as far as I know. She has never asked for a ride b4. And I agree, I am sure he didn't want to tell her no and have to explain himself to her. I just can't understand why she couldn't ask another female co-worker to take her home. H wouldn't answer me on that one. I will try my best to let it go this time but if he makes it a habit I will not tolerate it. She can find another way home.

[Owl]

Still-

 

Question...did you tell him WHY you felt so strongly about taking her where she needed to go? Did you try to make sure that he understood what he was making you feel by NOT taking your worries into account?

 

Just a suggestion...try explaining that to him in the future....hopefully that might make him THINK before he does anything stupid.

 

Let him know that it's his responsibility to you to help you get over the feelings he's created in you with the affair he's had in the past. He's also responsible for AVOIDING situations that could get himself back into that kind of situation again as well.

 

Good luck friend.

[Sweetz]

Originally posted by StillHurtin

 

How would MM react if their W's had a past A and their W gave a male co-worker ride home?

 

 

Speaking as a W who had an A , I would never ask my H if it was ok for me to take a male co worker home, have him say NO and then go and do it. That to me is just showing disrespect, especially given my past. I have proven that I am capable of having an A, so now I must prove now that I am trustworthy, willing to do whatever it takes to make my marriage work, and having my H have a say in everything that I do as it relates to the opposite sex.

 

Easier said than done, I know.

[Pocky]

And I agree, I am sure he didn't want to tell her no and have to explain himself to her. I just can't understand why she couldn't ask another female co-worker to take her home.

 

Maybe your husband was the only one that lived on the way to her house? Maybe she asked him out of convenience? Maybe she announced it at work and everyone knew that your husband lived in X direction and mentioned that maybe he could swing by and drop her off?

 

I know your husband has history, but under any other circumstance this would be an innocent gesture in my opinion and you would be overreacting. It's hard to tell though - you know his behavior before the affair and we don't.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by Owl

Still-

 

Question...did you tell him WHY you felt so strongly about taking her where she needed to go? Did you try to make sure that he understood what he was making you feel by NOT taking your worries into account?

 

Just a suggestion...try explaining that to him in the future....hopefully that might make him THINK before he does anything stupid.

 

Let him know that it's his responsibility to you to help you get over the feelings he's created in you with the affair he's had in the past. He's also responsible for AVOIDING situations that could get himself back into that kind of situation again as well.

 

Good luck friend.

 

 

Thank you Owl for replying. Yes, I did tell H why I felt so strongly about him giving her a ride, b/c of his past. He said last night that he could understand if it's an everyday habit of him taking her home but he said it was this one time and I was overreacting. He asked me if he was no longer allowed to even have female friends and I told him he could. He told me that he was just helping a friend out by giving her a ride home. And yes, Pocky, you are correct, he told me he was the only in her direction. H told me that if he didn't need to go to town (our house is on the way to town but it does not go into town so he would of had to make a special trip to take her home) he would of probably told her no as he wasn't heading that way. But I still feel he would of done it and said that just to make me feel better.

[Pocky]

But I still feel he would of done it and said that just to make me feel better.

 

If you don't want to trust him you never will. If you really want to let go of things and start over with him then you have to not allow yourself to react to the past - you have to only react to the present. I understand how easy it is to allow history to control our thoughts and our instant reaction is going to be based on what we've already experienced, but you have to let go of past emotions in order to overcome what has happened.

 

You don't have to forget - you just have to let it go. He can't earn your trust unless you let him and if you keep holding onto what he did in the past and you make assumptions based on his previous behavior how will he be able to be a different person?

 

As long as you always see him as a cheater, he's always going to be a cheater and neither one if you will be able to put the past behind you and have the type of relationship you want.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by Pocky

If you don't want to trust him you never will. If you really want to let go of things and start over with him then you have to not allow yourself to react to the past - you have to only react to the present. I understand how easy it is to allow history to control our thoughts and our instant reaction is going to be based on what we've already experienced, but you have to let go of past emotions in order to overcome what has happened.

 

You don't have to forget - you just have to let it go. He can't earn your trust unless you let him and if you keep holding onto what he did in the past and you make assumptions based on his previous behavior how will he be able to be a different person?

 

As long as you always see him as a cheater, he's always going to be a cheater and neither one if you will be able to put the past behind you and have the type of relationship you want.

 

Thanks Pocky, and you are right. H told me he thinks that I'm insecure about myself and that is why I am feeling the way I am about him taking this gal home. I guess I am just really scared. If he does it once, will he do it again? I guess I can't live my life thinking that all the time b/c I am going to go insane and this M will not make it. I don't really think he would do it, b/c he knows next time I will not stay w/ him, and I wont, I can't.

[nowherefast]

NO! you are not overreacting!! I used to wonder that I was overreacting and it turned out to be much worse that I ever imagined. PLEASE TRUST YOUR INTUITIONS!! I wish I would have many years ago.

[Owl]

Something else to consider...after our spouses have an affair...we're ALL insecure! I know my wife and I have talked about this very subject a few times myself...last time was day before yesterday.

 

Before the affair, we all had that "blind trust". We NEVER thought that our spouses would be capable of hurting us as badly as they have. We had believed that while other couples may have problems, we were immune from that because our relationship was "special".

 

Then the affair happened.

 

What a learning experience. You realize that your spouse IS fully capable of inflicting the worst possible emotional pain you've ever been through. They WILL lie to you. They WILL do what they want for themselves, regardless of the cost to you. You learn there wasn't anything special or magical about your relationship with them that protected it from things like this. Your whole perception of them, your marriage, and the world around just takes a huge shift towards the darkside.

 

You start to view yourself as a lot less than what you thought before. Less attractive, less intelligent. You think that you're their "second choice". You feel like you're "disposable". (I know I told my wife once in the heat of anger while we were arguing about her affair "At least I know that if I get run over by a beer truck tomorrow that you'll be taken care of. You don't need ME...you just need SOMEONE!") Heaven forfend that you've ever been burnt in a relationship before...because now you just KNOW that you're not worth being with anymore.

 

Not that I would have any idea how any of this feels of course.... ( )

 

So tell your husband about all of this. Tell him how you feel about yourself and your marriage since the affair happened. Tell him about these worries and fears and your own self-perception. It might help. It's SORTA helped my wife to understand...not completely, but she never will understand unless she were to go through something like this...and I'm not gonna do it to her.

[nowherefast]

Wow, owl, that's really painful. Why be married, I'm ready to trash the whole thing. If you can't be really special and important to your spouse, important enough for them not to do this to you, when do you ever feel safe with someone. I would like to think that I might meet someone who thinks enough of me and the sanctity of marriage that they wouldn't do this to me. This brings me back to a point that keeps being handed to me through this "journey" I'm on. Affairs happen all the time, why not have one yourself, it might just make you feel better. Feel better to hurt someone else the way that they've hurt you, feel better to think that someone else finds you attractive and interesting, feel better to know that you do not have to accept the behavior of someone who says they love you, but are so disrespectful. Come on, YOU say that you would never hurt your wife like that in the last line of your post but you also say that

 

"You realize that your spouse IS fully capable of inflicting the worst possible emotional pain you've ever been through. They WILL lie to you. They WILL do what they want for themselves, regardless of the cost to you. "

 

I guess what you say makes a lot of sense but is very depressing. Do we ever deserve better?? Or should we say well if you can't beat 'em you might as well join 'em.

 

Please, wise owl give me some advice. Please don't take this post the wrong way, I am really struggling here to understand. I feel like I'm riding a tidal wave.

 

Thanks.

[SoleMate]

I realize that the H may experience some slight embarrassment by having to say that he can't offer a ride home - but IMO, he needs to be a man and suck it up. And tell her "Sorry". This is how his previous A started, so heck yeah, he needs to observe different rules from a man who has never cheated. How lame..."Her husband can't give her a ride, he works different hours, so I have to"????? How long before that turns into "Her husband can't give her an orgasm, he's a clumsy lover, so I have to"?????

 

I wouldn't be a bit surprised to learn that this is actually a new A in the formative stages. Looking back over my 20 year career, the total number of times I asked male colleagues to give me a ride home was maybe...2? And that was AFTER I had already done the same courtesy for them. Adults need to be responsible for their OWN transportation unless there is a huge emergency involved. Busses, taxis, friends and relatives, walking, and biking are also options.

[Pocky]

Eh - I've hitched rides with many coworkers. Even borrowed their car when I needed to run home and didn't have my own. While this case is a little different, getting a ride home isn't that big of deal. It's not like she's asking every day. She had no way home - why pay for a taxi when a coworker is going the same way? Seems silly to expect people never to ask for a favor.

[michelangelo]

I actually agree with Pockie (ha!).

 

I've been given rides and given rides to coworkers and nothing untoward ever happened.

 

Besides, wasn't all this ride needing going on in Denver? You ever gotten on a bus in the middle of winter in colorado? No thanks!

 

The only issue here is distress and violating an emphatic wish of his wife. Not trivial, but I can see his point for this.

 

Now if it is the beginning of an affair, you'll know soon enough.

 

 

be vigilant, not obessively, and let some small amount of trust be regained a morsel at a time.

[Owl]

Originally posted by nowherefast

Wow, owl, that's really painful. Why be married, I'm ready to trash the whole thing. If you can't be really special and important to your spouse, important enough for them not to do this to you, when do you ever feel safe with someone. I would like to think that I might meet someone who thinks enough of me and the sanctity of marriage that they wouldn't do this to me. This brings me back to a point that keeps being handed to me through this "journey" I'm on. Affairs happen all the time, why not have one yourself, it might just make you feel better. Feel better to hurt someone else the way that they've hurt you, feel better to think that someone else finds you attractive and interesting, feel better to know that you do not have to accept the behavior of someone who says they love you, but are so disrespectful. Come on, YOU say that you would never hurt your wife like that in the last line of your post but you also say that

 

"You realize that your spouse IS fully capable of inflicting the worst possible emotional pain you've ever been through. They WILL lie to you. They WILL do what they want for themselves, regardless of the cost to you. "

 

I guess what you say makes a lot of sense but is very depressing. Do we ever deserve better?? Or should we say well if you can't beat 'em you might as well join 'em.

 

Please, wise owl give me some advice. Please don't take this post the wrong way, I am really struggling here to understand. I feel like I'm riding a tidal wave.

 

Thanks.

 

 

I've really debated on how to answer this...because I know I'm going to come off as sounding as if I'm full of BS, or think that I'm a saint. I'm not either, and darn well know it. Guess I'll just respond, and let the flames begin.

 

Why be married?

Have you ever ridden in an airplane? Driven a car? Are you nuts??? Do you have any idea how many people are killed or maimed in those things every single day??? Of course you do. But the reward is worth the risk. My marriage has still been well worth it. What we've got now is as good as it gets. What we had before the affair was damned good as well. If I had the choice to marry my wife all over again, even knowing this would happen but that we'd get to where we are now, I'd do it. (I still might be a little smarter about avoiding the whole affair thing to begin with, but...LOL)

 

If you can't beat em, join em.

Sorry friend. Never been my style. Honestly, I've been tempted. EVERYONE is. There was one lady friend of the wife's that I had thought one time..."Wow, her and I would be awesome together"...and knew she felt the same way too. You know what I did? Ran the other way as fast as I could...cause I KNEW what the risk was! Never saw her again, and I've got no regrets about that at all. On top of this...now I've learned just how much an affair hurts the betrayed spouse. And I do love my wife...so why in the hell would I want to inflict that kind of pain on her??? I said that all of us are CAPABLE of inflicting that kind of pain and hurt...but we're all ADULT HUMAN BEINGS. We're able to make choices regardless of feelings. I choose NOT to hurt her like that. She chose one time to hurt me like that...and yes, I face a risk of it possibly happening again. But, the reward is worth the risk, like I've said.

 

Last thing. I am NOT wise. Not by a long shot, nor do I think that I am. If I were wise, I would have been smart enough to work things out in my marriage so that my wife wouldn't have done what she did. I would have never been on this board, because I wouldn't have gone through this. I offer a lot of advice...but freely admit I am probably the least qualified person to do so. I'm just another dumb schmo who ended up in a bad situation, and hope that maybe now and again someone smarter than me can read what I've been through and help themselves where I couldn't.

 

StillHurtin-Sorry for taking the thread for a moment. I just hope that in some way what I've mentioned can help you too friend.

[StillHurtin]

StillHurtin-Sorry for taking the thread for a moment. I just hope that in some way what I've mentioned can help you too friend.

 

 

 

NP Owl, I aways enjoy reading what you have to say.