Its all fun and games... Until someone gets hurt

[QUEENxSHE]

I was unhappily married for 7 1/2 years to a "man" who was emotionally and verbally abusive towards me through out our entire marriage. Ok with that being said I found myself looking else where for affection. During our 5th year of marriage I met someone (for privacy purposes I'll call him "buddy"). I told him I was married, that I was only seeking out a friend nothing more. (My husband was the only man I had ever been with sexually at that time) so surely I was sceptical and scared to initiate any sexual relations with someone new. Fast forward about 6 months.... Buddy and I would text here and there and talked on the phone a few times... my husband continued his abusive ways ....some days were worst than others. I was feeling fed up so I met up with Buddy... We had a couple drinks, and well, I finally gave in! It was amazing! I never knew sex can feel soo good, he made me feel beautiful and wanted ...he put me on a feeling that I never had. You never forget something like that. I knew that I wanted to see him again. But I also felt guilty about it. So I left Buddy alone for a while (a few months) and tried to work things out with my husband, but to no avail his actions towards me didn't change. So at this point me and Buddy started seeing each other more, and by that I mean we would see each other for about 3 hrs - 4 hrs max and went about our seperate lives until the following month or so. I explained to him that I still didnt want anything serious with him ...that our relationship would be based on sex nothing more, you know a friends with benefits type of relationship. He agreed. Shortly after that, my husband and I were no longer sleeping together (I completely lost interest). I am happy to say I finally got out of that horrible marriage.

 

Well 4 years later ...Buddy and I continue to be friends with benefits. Every time feels like the first time! Always different always feels brand new. However, I've always understood the terms of having a friend with benefits and the main rule is to NEVER catch feelings. Which I never did. But I can't say the same for Buddy. You see during one of our intimate encounters he insisted on "making love" to me... I said ok and just went along with it... While we were doing the deed he said to me "I love you" ...I pretended I didn't hear him and kept going but then he said it again ...I looked at him, smiled and kept going... So he stops me and looks me in my eyes and says "Queen, I love you!" For the life of me I couldn't say it back to him.. I didn't want to hurt his feelings either.. So I just smiled at him and started kissing him, I didn't know how else to get him to stop saying that ...I just couldn't say it back.. I couldn't! I can't say something like that to someone if I don't truly feel that way for that person. I'm not a cold person either, I suppose I have some type of "love" for him, as in I care for him as a person, you know, but I'm not IN LOVE with him. He left it alone. I didn't want that to affect what we had and I didn't think he did either. So we agreed to meet back up soon as we usually do. But shortly after that night, I tried meeting back up with him and he just didn't seem interested. So we stopped talking for almost a year. I finally tried reaching back out to him... And he was all for seeing me again. So we haven't stopped seeing each other since, However, he told me about two months ago that he's been in a relationship for the past year. Considering the way he and I met I didn't want to make a BIG deal about it. I said "ok so I'll leave you alone" but he insisted on seeing me. (My view on the situation is,... I'm single I have no loyalties to anyone ...He's a grown man, he's going to do what he wants) We continue hooking up once or twice a month, the usual. But now every time we hook up he still tries to tell me he loves me or he'll say it under his breath but I refuse to acknowledge it. It could all be so simple if we kept our emotions aside. We just can't be together, it'll never work! We're a lot alike, which isn't a good thing. Its more than that though. How do I know whether or not he's just saying that because were being intimate or if he truly means it. Ultimately it's just something I don't want with him. All I want is to have A relationship with him not to be IN a relationship with him. If that makes any sense. And I've always pretty much told him that.

 

Ok well as of recently (last month) he told me he wanted to get me pregnant!! He saw the look on my face and shortly followed up with "by accident" I couldn't believe what I was hearing, He can't be serious ...can he? I was in shock. Total loss for words!! That completely caught me off guard. I haven't spoken to him since and quite frankly I don't think I am going to see him anytime soon or if ever again. Having a child is such a permanent decision, and I just think to myself why would he want that with me? Why?? Why me?! I don't understand it.

 

So my questions are: Why do you think he would want to get me pregnant if we are not completely involved with each other?

How long is too long to have a relationship with a friend with benefits?

Am I wrong for continuing the relationship even after he said he loves me, knowing I don't feel the same? (Even though we agreed to have a relationship based only on sex)

 

 

 

 

Advice/Questions and comments are welcome and appreciated

[Clay]

I don't think its a good idea you see him again. Its good you are being honest with your feelings and trying to keep things separate but he is clearly not able to do that. Him wanting to have a child with you is to try to lock you into a relationship with him. I would avoid that at all cost. If you have a child with him its not going to be good for the child. The child will never have any chance at two loving parents together.

 

I am glad you got out of your abusive marriage but it really sounds like you screwed up as much as your husband did. Might want to take some time out to reevaluate you and reflect on what you want in life.

 

 

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas.

 

Clay

[Coward]

A woman devoid of feeling or emotion.. you are a rare breed. If you're just with this guy for sex move on.

[Oldspiceywolf]

If you want to know why just ask him. He seems to try to tell you how he feels but everytime he does you shut him down and spend the next month wondering what he meant.

Why couldn't this work? He's known you for years, he loves you he's positive he wants a child with, he thinks your amazing!

Have you got counseling to put your past relationship behind you, I think you may still be hurting from that relationship. If you loved your ex and he treated you like garbage you may feel that love equals being made to feel bad. It could be making it so you aren't open to intamacy.

Either way if you don't want a relationship with him leave him alone, he loves you and doesn't have it in him right now to kick you out of his life.

[veryhappy]

He wants a serious relationship with you. He's into you, and you were never quite his, so you remained a beautiful fantasy.

 

Leave him alone to live his life. You're just torturing him by dangling a carrot leaf in front of him. He'll keep hoping. Tell him in clear terms that you are not interested, so he doesn't hang on to some stupid hope.

[blue963]

Are you afraid of loving someone because of your past relationship? I could imagine there would be a great fear to let your guard down to be able to trust someone completely to have a relationship.

[ElectricTangerine]

The man is clearly in love with you and wants a relationship. If you can never see yourself happy in a relationship with him, cut him loose. Be fair to him and let him find someone else who won't just use him for sex and yank his chain. I also think you need to think long and hard about what you want from life and future relationships.

 

On a side note, it's almost refreshing to see a woman pulling the OM along for a change.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

So my questions are:

Why do you think he would want to get me pregnant if we are not completely involved with each other?

 

 

He loves you and wants to have a family with you. He is not thinking logically, his thoughts are clouded by his desire for a long-term romantic relationship with you (marriage).

 

 

 

How long is too long to have a relationship with a friend with benefits?

 

 

The shorter the better. For a lot of reasons, these types of relationships usually keep the people in them from making progress in various aspects of their lives. I get that the sex is fun and it feels good and that it's hard to say "no" when it feels so good and is "hurting no one," but these relationships are a waste of time and I think in most cases do wind up hurting the people who participate. Very few people can do what you have done - your fwb partner couldn't and I bet he's kicking himself in the butt for it.

 

 

One or two times per month is not enough for most adults. Is it enough for you? Have you had other romantic relationships after your marriage ended? Do you want to?

 

 

Am I wrong for continuing the relationship even after he said he loves me, knowing I don't feel the same? (Even though we agreed to have a relationship based only on sex)

 

 

I don't think you are "wrong" for continuing, but I do think it's not good for you. You are both adults and can make your own choices. It's a little shadier moral issue when it comes to him, because it doesn't seem like this fwb relationship is good for him anymore. In my opinion, you continue with him at his detriment, even though he is willing. You are like the drug and he is addicted to you. He's not in his right mind when it comes to you if he's telling you he wants to get you pregnant and, then when you question him on it, he says he meant get you pregnant "by accident."

[veryhappy]

On a side note, it's almost refreshing to see a woman pulling the OM along for a change.

 

I find it just as sad. People using people.

 

I get it though. I'm happy anytime the MM pays more in the fallout, as it's too often and disproportionately the woman.

[QUEENxSHE]

**************

I may have came off a little cold on my last post so to clarify ...I very much enjoy what buddy and I have.. That's why I always respond to him whenever he comes looking for me. I'm addicted as much as he is ...I'm just not as emotionally invested in it as he is.

 

So here's an update:

Since my last post I've seen buddy twice (despite his numerous efforts to see me) and I made it clear to him that I have no interest in having a baby anytime soon. He seemed to have taken in what I was saying to him. During the first visit I found out he is living with his gf. Ok, I can't say too much considering how my and buddy's relationship came about. I'm single, I have no serious involvement with anyone, so if he's fine with it then so am I ...I'm just having fun. He's contacted me a few times after that so I seen him again not too long after ....Then he mentioned "kids" again and I told him again NO! I don't want any kids. It's like it's in one ear and out the other.

I just don't understand him. We are having sex and that's it nothing more than that! Why does he still feel the need to say that to me??!! And I've asked him and his response was "because Your the one that got away" What the hell is that even suppose to mean? Smh. He's a lot older than I am, but I feel like I've been a little more mature with handling this friendship of ours than he has. I want to try to get through to him one last time before I completely stop this relationship. If I can't, I guess all good things must come to an end... right ?

[Lady2163]

I usually try very hard to give people unconditional positive regard on this site, but something about this post really bothers me. My guess is because it is from the (former) cheating spouse and it just sounds like you are using Buddy.

 

You really haven't said what it is about him that doesn't make him perfect for you.

 

Here is a man who makes you feel good in and out of the bedroom. He probably adores you, and even though you like him, you have no interest in pursuing anything more than fwb.

 

Do you have ANY idea how much harder it will be for you to date and find someone special the older you get? Your looks will fade. Your friends will be less likely to even think of setting you up if you are emotionally distant to the first couple of men they try.

 

I'm not telling you to settle, since you don't love him. But, cut him loose. give him a chance to be happy...and FULFILLED with his girlfriend. While he has cheated on her with you, it may be simply because he has history and an established emotional connection with you. He may never cheat again.

 

It just seems so callous to me, the way you're treating him. It's like an inside view of the stereotypical cheater and how they feel about the Others they manipulate into accepting mere crumbs.

[QUEENxSHE]

Let me start by saying this isn't to try and make myself seem perfect because I'm not, I know that I'm far from that but this is to answer most of everyone's question and that is "Why won't it work out with this guy?"

Well for one Buddy was still highly eager to pursue me knowing I was married (although unhappy).... Second he claims he was single during our whole friendship up until recently... Yeaa... I have my doubts (and I have my reasons why)..... Third am I really suppose to believe that I'm the only other woman he is cheating on his girl with? Well I'm sorry but I'm not that naive ...(He has quite the reputation with the ladies) I'm sure there are others. Not to mention, he never makes his gf an issue, and acts just like a single man.. That alone further defends my stand point on the situation. I can go on but why? So as I stated before, it'll never work. I'm not interested in "making it work" either... The agreement was just sex and that's all it ever was ...JUST SEX. We never went out/go out places together or out to eat or any of that. Just sex. Reasonably I'm having trouble trying to make sense of why he would go as far as to say he wants to get me pregnant ...I don't find that comment flattering or "sweet" or "cute" ..it's strange and it's causing me to look at him differently. In spite of that tho I must say when we do link up we have a really good time together. But I just can't pick up on his "feelings" ...for something so serious like that to all of a sudden come on for him ....its confusing me.

[Snipercatt]

I think his comments were to mindf*ck you & I'd consider them bullsh*t.

[Lady2163]

Let me start by saying this isn't to try and make myself seem perfect because I'm not, I know that I'm far from that but this is to answer most of everyone's question and that is "Why won't it work out with this guy?"

Well for one Buddy was still highly eager to pursue me knowing I was married (although unhappy).... Second he claims he was single during our whole friendship up until recently... Yeaa... I have my doubts (and I have my reasons why)..... Third am I really suppose to believe that I'm the only other woman he is cheating on his girl with? Well I'm sorry but I'm not that naive ...(He has quite the reputation with the ladies) I'm sure there are others. Not to mention, he never makes his gf an issue, and acts just like a single man.. That alone further defends my stand point on the situation. I can go on but why? So as I stated before, it'll never work. I'm not interested in "making it work" either... The agreement was just sex and that's all it ever was ...JUST SEX. We never went out/go out places together or out to eat or any of that. Just sex. Reasonably I'm having trouble trying to make sense of why he would go as far as to say he wants to get me pregnant ...I don't find that comment flattering or "sweet" or "cute" ..it's strange and it's causing me to look at him differently. In spite of that tho I must say when we do link up we have a really good time together. But I just can't pick up on his "feelings" ...for something so serious like that to all of a sudden come on for him ....its confusing me.

 

I'm still a bit nonplused reading your description. Just cut him loose.