Can't get over GF's past, and she lied about it

[proverbs]

Hello everyone. I was doing a Google search on my problem and found this great forum. I hope I can get some support here.

 

Well, I started a dating a girl about 6 months ago (I'm 31 and she's 25). We met through some mutual friends and really hit it off the first time we met. And by hit it off, I mean we slept together the first night we met This felt so right at the time, but in hindsight, maybe it wasn't the best way to start our relationship (but the chemistry emotionally and physically were so great!). Anyhow, a few months went by and everything was great. When we were together, it was so effortless and natural.

 

Then, I found out something terrible. I asked her what she thought of me the first time we met, and she said she didn't think anything was going to happen because I was a friend of someone she was seeing before. The friend turned out to be one of my childhood friends that I considered somewhat of a younger brother. This was devastating, because I could not handle the fact that she had slept with him. I wasn't strong enough to have both of them in my life, so I eventually cut off my friend completely. Obviously, she felt terrible and cried over this so many times. Very slowly, this situation started to get better.

 

Then a bit later we had a discussion that many would say to avoid -- a discussion about the PAST. I asked her how many boyfriends she had, and she said only 1, but she had dated many other guys. Then I dug a little deeper, and found that she had slept with many other guys although not in a relationship with them. So she had 1 boyfriend, but has slept with between 10-20 guys (she didn't tell me the exact number, but I can estimate with the stories she told me). This REALLY stressed me out because she was much more 'experienced' than me, even though I'm 6 years older than her. The thing that bothered me most, was that she was not in any type of relationship with these guys she was sleeping with. This really weighed heavy on my mind. She cried over this too, and I felt so bad about judging her, but I felt like I had to be honest about my thoughts about her past. I had to really fight to get these thoughts out of my head.

 

And recently, it seemed like the last straw for me. A small fib of hers, turned into something big for me. We actually grew up in the same area (about 15 minutes apart) but met in another city where we were working. We both lived in the city for about 2 years, but recently came back to our hometown. It was actually great timing because we both moved back around the same time. So, she had told me that she only had sex with her bf before she moved to the new city. However, I happened to hang out with one of her friends after she moved back home. Some information slipped and he said that one of his friends "dated" her back home before she moved to the new city. When I brought this up to her, she got really defensive and was accusing me of trying to dig dirt on her. Her reaction shocked me because it was so aggressive. I then got angry and told her that she'd better tell me why she was so defensive and she eventually told me that she had slept with the guy. When I said that she lied to me, she felt terrible. She eventually told me that she had slept with 4 guys before moving to the new city, when originally she said it was only her bf. I was furious and tried to break up with her. She refused to break up and said she will do anything to try to make it work.

 

This girl has hurt me a lot, but I've hurt her so much more with my negative thinking. I really like her and want things to work, but her past and her lie makes me second guess everything she says. She tells me everyday how much she likes me and how thankful she is to have me. I tell her this too, but not everyday, as I genuinely don't feel it everyday. I feel like I'm on the highest mountain top some days, and feel like I'm in the lowest valleys on others. This is the first girl I seriously considered spending the rest of my life with, but these issues are holding me back. Are these things I can get over, or are we suffering for no reason? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[KathyM]

Trust is the most important thing in a relationship. If you can't trust the person, and what they say, then it erodes the relationship. If her past was important to you, and she lied about it to manipulate you into a relationship, then that doesn't bode well for making the relationship work long-term. She has the mindset that honesty in a relationship is not important, but getting what she wants is the most important thing to her.

[Quiet Storm]

I agree with Kathy.

 

The reason she hid this information is because she knew you wouldn't like it. She was manipulating the facts so that she could better control your opinion of her.

 

What she doesn't realize is that by lying, she is hurting herself. She doesn't have to be ashamed and hide who she is. She can find a guy that doesn't mind her past.

 

The reason people date is so they can find someone compatible with them. Someone that "gets" them. Someone that loves them, flaws and all.

 

Dating should not be about about changing yourself & manipulating the truth so that someone likes you better. That's misrepresentation, and it just complicates things and prolongs the inevitable.

 

She will probably say that she lied because she was ashamed and did not want to be judged- which is likely the truth. However, lying to avoid judgement is not a mature way of dealing with the problem. Conflict avoiders do not make good partners- their need to please & avoid confrontation prompts them to tell people what they want to hear.

 

This can erode trust in the relationship because intimacy is a bond between two people that are being honest & real. Being fake & phony is setting up a false reality.

 

Whether it is motivated by a need to please, not wanting to disappoint someone, or shame is not really the issue. The issue is the conflict avoidance & the willingness to lie.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

 

Walk awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!! (sooner, rather than later)

 

 

The more time you waste with someone who has a habit of lying to you, the more you'll be invested in a direction which is simply unsuitable.

 

 

Why should you accept such treatment?

 

 

(and you already have, so we know you will )

[Elias33]

Yes. Walk if you have to. The lying was wrong, but her fear about you was grounded however. Just walk, don't judge, and move on.

[proverbs]

Wow, I'm a bit surprised by the one-sidedness of the responses.

 

I'll try and answer some of the questions…

For the sleeping around, I did sleep with a few people that I was not in a relationship with, but her number is much higher than mine. But I definitely did not 'sleep around'. However, when I really think honestly about this, I would have if I had the opportunity I guess. Although I do have morals and standards, there were plenty of times I was at a party and I attempted to or hoped to sleep with a girl. I'm a bit shy and wasn't actually Don Juan with the words, so of course it rarely happened. Girls think I'm physically attractive, but it takes a while for me to really open up and be myself with a girl. Does this change anything? Although I didn't sleep around, my intentions were to. Since she is an attractive girl, I'm sure she was hit on quite often.

 

I asked my buddy about the lie thing yesterday and he said he saw no problem with it. His reaction was "obviously she is going to lie, she doesn't want you to know about her sexual past - did you really think she would tell you the truth!?". But with KathyM and Quiet Storm's replies, it seems like this problem could be much deeper and serious. Could this lie really be a deal breaker?

 

One thing I know from how she treats me and what her friends say, is that she is absolutely crazy about me. I felt this crazy love feeling for her before these issues starting coming up. We would jump each other the moment we saw each other. However, ever since these things came up, it's been really choppy for me because I get into this negative doubt mode. The highs and lows are so extreme, and I don't know if this is normal.

[anna121]

It doesn't sound like you have moral issues with casual sex - you just don't like the fact that her number is higher than yours.

 

I think that's petty, but it's your ball game.

 

I happen to think that it is a person's prerogative to not reveal details of their sexual past. Outright lying is not cool, though lots and lots and lots of people will do it about something like this.

 

If this is something you can't get over, if trust is gone, then break it off. I don't see lying about one's sexual history as a big deal, nor as something that denotes a person as per se untrustworthy. Obviously other posters on this thread disagree, and if you do too, then end it now.

[proverbs]

I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out. I trust her moving in to the future, because we talked about this issue and she said it was wrong for her to lie about this and she knows not to do it again. However, now I don't trust her on all the stuff that happened the previous 6-7 months. It seems like everything is questionable.

[Imported]

OP, she was honest with you.

[CarrieT]

You are going to continue beating yourself up about it and constantly question what she did, who she did, and how often she did it.

 

In that regard, move on and either learn that MANY people are going to be more experienced than you or learn to NOT ask the question.

 

As a matter of course, when asked how many "boyfriends" or "relationships" I have had, the answer is six. I have physically been in SIX (6) relationships. However, I have had sex with over 300 people.

 

See the difference?

[Editbee]

I wonder what would have happened if the OP's gf told the truth about the number of men she slept with vs those she had relationship with and actually didn't feel ashamed of it. I have a female friend that had a wild past and she doesn't feel one bit bad about it and does it if she's single and not looking for a relationship but when she's with a bf, then she's faithful. I'm guessing she would have been judged either way and forced to feel bad or guy walks away right away. It's a lose-lose situation really.

 

Only thing I can say is this: if you sleep with a girl right on the first date then do except that she will have a past and not be your magically gf that only had 1 bf.

Edited December 27, 2013 by Editbee

[CarrieT]

Only thing I can say is this: if you sleep with a girl right on the first date then do except that she will have a past and not be your magically gf that only had 1 bf.

 

^ ^ ^ THIS! THIS! -- A Thousand times THIS! ^ ^ ^

 

I am like the girl Editbee talked about. I have never been ashamed of my wild past. And in each of my relationships -- some as short as two years and some as long as eleven years -- I was always 100% monogamous (except for a five-year marriage, which was "open," but my husband knew - or was also there - with additional sexual partners.)

[Quiet Storm]

I wonder what would have happened if the OP's gf told the truth about the number of men she slept with vs those she had relationship with and actually didn't feel ashamed of it. I have a female friend that had a wild past and she doesn't feel one bit bad about it and does it if she's single and not looking for a relationship but when she's with a bf, then she's faithful. I'm guessing she would have been judged either way and forced to feel bad or guy walks away right away. It's a lose-lose situation really.

 

 

 

I don't think it is a lose-lose. It is a win because you now know that this person is judgemental and not right for you. Why would you want to be with someone that is judging you?

 

Say you meet a guy that is perfect in all ways, EXCEPT you know he will be judgemental of your past.

 

Do you think the solution to that incompatibility is to lie?

 

I think the lying is what creates the lose-lose situation.

 

The judgemental partner would be in love with the image that the lying person chose to portray. If he discovers the lie, he may feel manipulated & see his partner as a fraud. If he has fallen in love by this point, he will be very confused because his strong feelings for her will cause a conflict within him. He will feel like he is settling for less than what he wants, but he still doesn't want to lose her, so he will bargain with himself & rationalize his doubts. These kinds of relationships can drag on for years, with tons of drama. He loves her & wants her, but those feelings of being duped and looking stupid will cause him to always keep her at arms length. There will lots of arguments. He will constantly jump from being loving & sweet, to cold & closed off because the good moments will be peppered with flashes of "She lied to me", "I deserve better", "I'm so stupid", "What else did she about?". I'm not saying the liar deserves this treatment, I'm just pointing out the issues that are very common in these situations.

 

The judged/lying partner is put in the position of not being able to be herself. She knows that if he knew the truth, he would view her as inferior or "less than"- this is why she lied (avoiding conflict). This can set up a dynamic that can damage her sense of self worth. Instead of finding a partner that is right for her, she is manipulating reality to fit her agenda. She feels jusitifed in lying because she sees his judgement as being wrong ("I'm not like that anymore"). Her goal should be to find someone that loves & accepts her for who she is- not to portray an image that she thinks will be more acceptable. This will only create more feelings of shame & inadequacy. It also perpetuates her desire to avoid conflict. When you tell people what they want to hear- and it works- over time it can become their default method of dealing with conflict. Avoiding conflict & discomfort by telling lies is much easier than facing problems & issues in a relationship. I would say it is rare that this starts and ends with ONE lie.

 

You don't get to pick and choose what other people care about. You may know 100% that your promiscuous days are over- but it's still not right to skew reality. Other people have every right to set their standards for what they want in a partner. If you don't fit those standards, find someone else that is more compatible.

 

Also, "everyone lies about this" is only a rationalization.

 

A romantic relationship involves a bond & intimacy between two people. It's about honesty, personal integrity & loyalty. It's about trust, vulnerability & connection.

 

The pain & confusion that comes with discovering your partner lied is not negated because "everyone lies about this". The bond doesn't remain intact because "I had a good reason to lie- you would've judged me!". When you lie to a person that has trust in you- it tarnishes the bond, it compromises the connection & erodes the intimacy. What other people lie about is redundant- this is only about those two people & their relationship. It's about their expectations, responsibility, accountability to EACH OTHER.

 

There is a saying that a relationship or a family is "only as sick as it's secrets". It means that secrets kill intimacy and create an unhealthy dynamic.

 

So for the OP in this scenario, I would ask: Do you value this relationship enough to change your standards? Do you value this relationship enough to forgive the lies? Can you let go of the resentment? And for the woman, I would ask: Do you value yourself enough to find someone that accepts you? Do you think its healthy to be with someone who feels like they are settling for you, or that you are inferior? Can you be assertive & honest, and push through those feelings of "wanting to please"? Can you cope with stress & conflict in a relationship in healthy ways (not lying)?

[Kate9292]

Hello everyone. I was doing a Google search on my problem and found this great forum. I hope I can get some support here.

 

Well, I started a dating a girl about 6 months ago (I'm 31 and she's 25). We met through some mutual friends and really hit it off the first time we met. And by hit it off, I mean we slept together the first night we met This felt so right at the time, but in hindsight, maybe it wasn't the best way to start our relationship (but the chemistry emotionally and physically were so great!). Anyhow, a few months went by and everything was great. When we were together, it was so effortless and natural.

 

Then, I found out something terrible. I asked her what she thought of me the first time we met, and she said she didn't think anything was going to happen because I was a friend of someone she was seeing before. The friend turned out to be one of my childhood friends that I considered somewhat of a younger brother. This was devastating, because I could not handle the fact that she had slept with him. I wasn't strong enough to have both of them in my life, so I eventually cut off my friend completely. Obviously, she felt terrible and cried over this so many times. Very slowly, this situation started to get better.

 

Then a bit later we had a discussion that many would say to avoid -- a discussion about the PAST. I asked her how many boyfriends she had, and she said only 1, but she had dated many other guys. Then I dug a little deeper, and found that she had slept with many other guys although not in a relationship with them. So she had 1 boyfriend, but has slept with between 10-20 guys (she didn't tell me the exact number, but I can estimate with the stories she told me). This REALLY stressed me out because she was much more 'experienced' than me, even though I'm 6 years older than her. The thing that bothered me most, was that she was not in any type of relationship with these guys she was sleeping with. This really weighed heavy on my mind. She cried over this too, and I felt so bad about judging her, but I felt like I had to be honest about my thoughts about her past. I had to really fight to get these thoughts out of my head.

 

And recently, it seemed like the last straw for me. A small fib of hers, turned into something big for me. We actually grew up in the same area (about 15 minutes apart) but met in another city where we were working. We both lived in the city for about 2 years, but recently came back to our hometown. It was actually great timing because we both moved back around the same time. So, she had told me that she only had sex with her bf before she moved to the new city. However, I happened to hang out with one of her friends after she moved back home. Some information slipped and he said that one of his friends "dated" her back home before she moved to the new city. When I brought this up to her, she got really defensive and was accusing me of trying to dig dirt on her. Her reaction shocked me because it was so aggressive. I then got angry and told her that she'd better tell me why she was so defensive and she eventually told me that she had slept with the guy. When I said that she lied to me, she felt terrible. She eventually told me that she had slept with 4 guys before moving to the new city, when originally she said it was only her bf. I was furious and tried to break up with her. She refused to break up and said she will do anything to try to make it work.

 

This girl has hurt me a lot, but I've hurt her so much more with my negative thinking. I really like her and want things to work, but her past and her lie makes me second guess everything she says. She tells me everyday how much she likes me and how thankful she is to have me. I tell her this too, but not everyday, as I genuinely don't feel it everyday. I feel like I'm on the highest mountain top some days, and feel like I'm in the lowest valleys on others. This is the first girl I seriously considered spending the rest of my life with, but these issues are holding me back. Are these things I can get over, or are we suffering for no reason? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

She lied because she sensed you'd have some weird hangups about past.

 

Why men have to be so insecure about it? Instead of enjoying what is there now they torment themselves about some past guys and destroy what could be a good thing.

[whichwayisup]

this is why asking someone about their sexual past can be bad. It really isn't any of your business, just like your previous sex life (who you slept with in the past) isn't her business. As long as you both are clean and the PAST is in the past, then it shouldn't be an issue.

 

She is who she is because of her past. She's had other relationships, you've had casual sex and not been in relationships. One is no worse than the other. Yeah I'm sure it sucked hearing that she was with someone you knew, but isn't their R over and they've moved on? or were they still together when you two met?

 

Just trying to understand why you had to cut the friend out.

[AAlike]

Quiet Storm - while I see your point on lying, my only counterpoint to that is that when people are in this sort of emotionally coping state they will often continue to pepper their SO with all kinds of ridiculous questions and sleuth their entire past in hopes of finding one answer that "rationalizes" everything and makes it go away, but in the process compounds the problem and provides more details for them to obsess over. and "it's none of your business" isn't really a viable option because then they assume the worst. If she had lied at the outset, that would be one thing, but given that the writing was already on the wall as to what was going to happen (again) if she told the truth, I can see why she may have resorted to it as damage control rather than undergo round 3.

 

OP - is this the first time that you've had feelings this strongly for a girl?

[proverbs]

Quiet Storm and AAlike, great posts. And thanks everyone for the insight.

 

I had to cut off the friend, because that was the only way I could handle it. If I saw him, I would constantly be reminded of them. Since I don't see him, I have been able to take this out of my mind.

 

Yes, this is my first time I felt this strongly about a girl -- the highs and the lows. I might have I liked a girl this much when I was younger, but I feel that it was just "puppy love", while this one is a very serious and mature relationship.

[proverbs]

I just wanted to give an update on my situation.

 

I asked my gf for a few days apart so we could both reflect on this issue we had. Although this was absolute torture for her, she agreed and gave me the time I needed.

 

The most confusing part for me was that if I had known her 2-3 years ago when she was going through the "finding oneself" phase of her life, I would have automatically labeled her incompatible and never would have tried to pursue a relationship with her, then and probably now. I really had to think about this. In some ways, I feel lucky that I met her now, and not during the past phase of her life. Before I saw her reasons (lonely, low self-esteem, not knowing what she wanted, being naive, etc.) as excuses. But when I really dug deep and got off my high horse and did not judge her, I truly started to understand these reasons. I truly began to see how these experiences made her into a stronger and wiser woman. She changed for the better. She took her qualities and rolled them over, and took the bad ones and dumped them. She now knew exactly what she did not want and exactly what she wanted in a relationship/partner. I stopped thinking negative, and started thinking positive.

 

During the last few days, I came to realize how much she means to me and that I can't imagine my life without her. She accepts everything about me and shows me unconditional love. I realized that I was judging her for past mistakes she made. These mistakes made her into the person who she is today. She would not appreciate a guy like me as much, if she had not made those past mistakes. And since she would not be the caring, strong, and wise woman she is today, I would not have liked her as much.

 

When people say you have to love a person for the past, present and future, I don't completely agree. I honestly don't think I could ever LOVE her past, but now I really understand her and how it shaped her into the person she is today. And that is the person I love so very much

 

Thanks for everyone's input!

[AAlike]

Cool man. Based on my own experiences as well as the experiences of others, as long as you don't have a religious and/or moral absolute against what she did (which it doesn't seem you do, especially given the circumstances in which you've met), as you continue in your relationship and start to distance yourself from "bro talk" and thinking about sex in quantitative terms, these things will get way more trivial.

 

One thing though - a lot of times guys in your situation tend to justify this with phrases like "oh she had low self-esteem for a while" or whatever - and I'm not sure that is really always the case. I mean if you ask someone a million questions about their past sexual decisions in the context of you starting a relationship with them, of course they are going to feel less than stellar about them. More than likely she probably just likes sex like every other human being and for whatever reason thought it was OK to engage in it.

[pteromom]

I realized that I was judging her for past mistakes she made. These mistakes made her into the person who she is today. She would not appreciate a guy like me as much, if she had not made those past mistakes. And since she would not be the caring, strong, and wise woman she is today, I would not have liked her as much.

 

When people say you have to love a person for the past, present and future, I don't completely agree. I honestly don't think I could ever LOVE her past, but now I really understand her and how it shaped her into the person she is today. And that is the person I love so very much

 

Thanks for everyone's input!

 

I am glad that you realized that you missed her and shouldn't be judging her, but I still cringe at you calling her past sexual choices "mistakes" when you admit you would have been sleeping around yourself if you had more opportunities to do so.

 

They are her past choices. They aren't necessarily "mistakes".

 

Her only real mistake as far as I am concerned was lying about it. Still, I understand WHY she lied, when revelations about other men led to days of her crying and begging you to stay.

 

It seems to me that the real issue here is that her number is higher than yours and that brings up some insecurities.

 

I can tell you that a girl's "number" or her opinion on casual sex has nothing to do with her ability to be a faithful partner. I don't know this girl, but if you have no reason to think she'd be looking for sex elsewhere or comparing you with past lovers, then she probably isn't.

[anna121]

A-frgging-men Pteromom.

 

OP, do you also regard your casual sexual encounters as "mistakes"?

 

I would bet no small coin that she doesn't really regard them (or at least all of them) as "mistakes". She is telling you what (she thinks) you (quite obviously) want to hear.

 

Good luck with that.

[LauraP]

Before I saw her reasons (lonely, low self-esteem, not knowing what she wanted, being naive, etc.) as excuses.

I get the feeling many women that had casual sex might even invent the excuse of low self-esteem and not knowing what they wanted in order to finish the argument with the guy. They probably know this is what a guy likes to hear if questioned too much about it, threatened with a break-up and asked why.

 

Only one tried to dig into me so much (even asked if I was once abused) before meeting my bf. My answer wasn't ''Oh I had low self-esteem, oh I didn't know what I wanted back then, etc.'' but an ''Because I felt like it''. Next thing I know, he had a weird look on his face and replied something like ''Oh, I thought there was really a reason''. Well there is a reason. How about because it was fun? Tired of them thinking it's always about low self-esteem, past abuse, daddy issues, etc.

 

I bet the OP's gf was ok with her past and it wasn't until she was practically cornered against a wall that she had to suddenly changed into calling it ''her mistakes'' and how she was going through a low moment at the time.

Edited December 31, 2013 by LauraP

[LauraP]

She is telling you what (she thinks) you (quite obviously) want to hear.

Exactly what I was just thinking.

 

Unlike the OP's gf, my past is no mistake at all but well-thought out choices. I say well-thought out because even someone who has an active sex life is selective too when deciding who to do it with and where. Also there is such a thing as a healthy active one that never does drugs nor is an alcoholic but just likes having fun and if it's not hurting anyone what's the issue really about?

[aussietigerwolf]

personally, if someone caused me that much stress and pain over something he tried to do himself then id kick his hypocritical judgemental ass to the curb.

[Viking-Liz]

I didnt read the whole thread, but how can it matter how many she have slept with as long as she is free of diseases?

 

It only benefits you that your girl has some experience