How Do You Know If It's Worth Trying Again ?

[george roy]

Hi all,

 

I'm sure we've been there. Wondering if it's possible.

 

Each marriage/divorce is different. In most cases, one of the spouses has been unfaithful.

 

Sometimes, the unfaithful spouse wants to 'work it out'. Get past this, and try to make the marriage stronger.

(Even though they are the ones that committed the act that brought on the divorce).

 

And even though every situation is different, there are still 'typical' things that happen/have happened.

 

So I'm curious.

 

Of course, part of that is forgiveness on the faithful spouse's part.

 

But what are the signs that the marriage could work ?

 

What can one expect when the offending spouse wants to 'fix' the marriage ?

 

How do you know if it's worth trying again ?

 

Input and suggestions are appreciated.

[oldshirt]

 

Of course, part of that is forgiveness on the faithful spouse's part.

 

But what are the signs that the marriage could work ?

 

What can one expect when the offending spouse wants to 'fix' the marriage ?

 

How do you know if it's worth trying again ?

 

 

- BS has true and sincere remorse for the wrongdoing.

 

-has made a true and sincere apology for the wrongful acts as well as for the pain and turmoil it has caused.

 

- has fully and completely divulged the depths and extent of the affair and answers all relevant questions without deception, deflection or omission.

 

- completely ends the affair and goes 100% NC untill death.

 

- allows complete transparency access to emails, phone, facebook etc.

 

- allows closer supervision of travels and where abouts.

 

- enters into therapy/counseling and gives 100% full-faith effort to repair the damage and making sure it doesn't happen again and makes sure they are not placed in a situation that would foster that environment for it to occur again.

 

If all of those conditions truly exist ( and its not just them saying they "will.")

 

Then it may be reasonable to ATTEMPT reconciliation. However it must be understood that even if all those things are in place, they damage may be too great and the reconciliation may fail. Those are just the things that have to be squarely in place to think that you may stand a reasonable chance.

 

If one of those is not in place then it's likely not worth trying.

 

I've read your other thread. Other than her telling you she doesn't want a divorce, is even ONE of those conditions truly in place?

[george roy]

I like your list, oldshirt.

 

... I've read your other thread. Other than her telling you she doesn't want a divorce, is even ONE of those conditions truly in place?

 

A couple. To what extent, I'm not quite sure yet.

 

I did serve her papers a couple of weeks ago.

 

- allows closer supervision of travels and where abouts.

 

She's been a little more forthcoming about "I'm going here" kind of things.

 

- enters into therapy/counseling and gives 100% full-faith effort to repair the damage and making sure it doesn't happen again and makes sure they are not placed in a situation that would foster that environment for it to occur again.

 

She did show up at the marriage counselor's two days AFTER being served.

 

Still pretty tight-lipped about the other stuff, though.

 

Hey, if it's truly something she wants, then you're right, oldshirt. Some things simply have to be disclosed. No if, ands, or buts.

 

Sometimes you wonder what to look for when they say, "I don't want a divorce".

And if it's possible, then I'd like to think it's at least worth considering.

 

But I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket.

 

Just because I read "I still love you" isn't going to magically make everything 'better'.

 

Hence the question.

[oldshirt]

 

Sometimes, the unfaithful spouse wants to 'work it out'. Get past this, and try to make the marriage stronger.

 

 

IMHO what your wife wants to "work out" is a roof over head and a live-in babysitter and for life to maintain the status quo at home while she has fun with the BF.

 

She seems to be a big-time cake eater who has no remorse, doesn't think she's doing anything wrong and wants to keep the home life while having unrestricted fun with the BF.

 

That does not strike me as something worth attempting reconciliation. Your mileage may vary.

[george roy]

IMHO what your wife wants to "work out" is a roof over head and a live-in babysitter and for life to maintain the status quo at home while she has fun with the BF.

 

She seems to be a big-time cake eater who has no remorse, doesn't think she's doing anything wrong and wants to keep the home life while having unrestricted fun with the BF.

 

That does not strike me as something worth attempting reconciliation. Your mileage may vary.

 

I hear ya.

 

The two answers I gave (the counselor and saying where she's going) were things that I 'knew'.

 

As far as the rest ? No.

 

But I'm trying to make sense of why she came to the counselor's two days after I had her served.

 

She keeps asking me if this is what I want.

 

Honestly, it's not what I want. But if her behavior is going to continue, then there's really not a choice, then.

 

Hey, she's got about 9 days left to respond to the petition.

 

She signs 'em, that's fine. Let's figure out the details.

 

She doesn't want to ? Well, then there's gonna be a lot of changes.

 

If she wants to try, fine. I'm good with that.

 

Still no guarantees that it will work out in the end.