Unsure now after GIGS breakup?

[Tommy16]

I have pretty much read the whole thread on GIGS(really all 70 pages of it) and I am pretty sure that my ex had GIGs.

 

Going to try and summarise this as best I can so it doesn't take up loads of space:

 

-My ex bf and I had been going out for about 10 months, it was my first ever relationship, but his 4th. He is 22 and I'm 20. He used to worry a lot in the beginning of the relationship because he thought I might leave him to go experience being with other people etc. It wasn't until I told him I loved him that he finally seemed settled about it, but he still worried because he felt he couldn't tell me yet but did feel like he was falling in love with me. He said he felt like he wanted to spend at least the next few years with me and he had never felt like this about anyone before (he had never been in love before apparently).

 

-Our relationship was really good, we had small tiffs but never anything major and we were always completely open and honest with eachother. I did have some issues however, as my friend had passed away and if basically messed my head up a bit. He was really understanding and helped me through but I never really got over it.

 

-Half way through the relationship I had to move town and start a new job as part of a uni placement. This was kind of stressful for me and at first I found it really hard to get settled in. My ex helped me a lot and saw me every weekend. Looking back now, I do feel I probably depended too much on his support haha :S.

 

-Then in October he started his PhD. Now he had done his undergrad but during this time he never really experienced proper single student life because he used to be really shy and found it hard meeting new people. He was really struggling to settle in and when we were together he would start fretting about why he wasn't invited to certain events and stuff. We still got along well together however.

 

-Then in November he started becoming really distant over a week and hardly messaged me. I assumed this was because he was busy and I was more than happy giving him the space he needed to make friends etc. Then he messaged me asking why I wasn't concerned about him not messaging me, which made me tihnk something was up. So I asked him and we skyped and he basically broke up with me. We met up that weekend to clarify things. But he said he felt like he was having to balance seeing me and making new friends. That he no longer felt devoted to me and had the urge to make out with other people. (We had talked previously about kissing others in our relationship before, and it had never been a problem, except he kissed one guy once whom I did not get along with. I knew he was smashed and it meant nothing but it did sting). He basically gave loads of different excuses which really confused me and he tried to say it basically boiled down to him no longer being attracted to me.

 

- i tried to remain as calm as I could which surprised him (I am known for being emotional haha) and suggested we just don't talk to eachother for a month, go off and do our own thing and then re-evaluate the situation. He didn't want to give me false hope so he said no at first, but then he eventually agreed because he said that he did care about the relationship and did want it to work. But he maintained that the way he felt at the point made him feel like nothing would change.

 

-So then came a really difficult month for me. Another friend died, and then I got diagnosed with a heart condition. I messaged him twice during the month (once whilst drunk.. oops. And once because I panicked about my heart). And during this month I was filled with false hope and things going through my mind like the reason he broke up with me and what I could do to get him back etc. . The heart thing really forced me to think things over because I was stuck in bed all day - not allowed to go to work or anything. The rumination really did not help!

 

-But then the end of the month came and we met up. He said things about how he really enjoyed single life and doesn't want being a student to end. I was still a bit of a wreck at this point because of my whole month so I was trying to be as calm as possible but it was difficult. I asked him how he felt about getting together in the future and he told me off saying we would never get back together. He then changed this to "If it happens it happens", but he really needs me to get over him and continue with my own life. He really cares about me and wants me to move on. After a lot of questioning he did mentioning he had sex with someone else which hurt at first, but now thinking about it doesn't really bother me because at least he is getting whatever it is out of his system.

 

-That meeting really helpd though, because I finally felt broken up with him - free from the false hope of the previous month. I started working on myself, going to cognitive behavioural therapy to deal with my anxiety issues caused by death of friends and past family issues, and I have also started excersing more. (I needed to do this for my heart anyway haha but it's still looking after myself). I discovered the Katy Perry song "Love Me" (would recommend to so many) and am learning to love myself.

 

-I saw him last weekend to drop off his christmas presents. He asked me what I thought of the relationship between us and I said. "Of course I am sad it's over. But, I understand you need space right now to figure out who you are and what you want and I love and respect you enough to give you that. I really just want you to be happy". His reply was "Tommy, you need to focus on your happiness too", which I said "well, yeah I am. Obviously at the moment what would make me happiest would be getting back with you, but that isn't possible at the moment. So I am going to use this time to discover myself and love myself because in the end that will make me happier". He made jokes about how it seemed him breaking up with me did me a favour and was impressed with how much more mature I had gotten. He always used to call me a boy when we were together and know he was seeing me become a man. He was right though - him breaking up with me did help me get my life together. Every cloud has a silver lining!

 

Thing is though, where do I go from here. I know I am going to continue working on myself. He also wants to be friends because he really cares about me, but has left that up to me to decide because he knows how much harder it would be for me. I mean, I would really like to be friends with him... just at this point I still want to be his boyfriend. I really love that man!

I am also finding it really hard at this point because it's Christmas and I feel strange without him here. He sent me a merry christmas message to thank him for the presents and wish me and my family a really good christmas.... not going to lie - this made me cry.

But yes, where do I go from here? Do you think we will ever get together again? How do I be friends with him? Do you think it is GIGS?

 

 

 

(Sorry this is so long but thanks for reading!)

[conf]

I would give you my advice as my last bu i suspect to be cause of GIGS. It does not change something in the outcome if it is gigs or not, are you are still broken up. You will never know till he tells you that. It may be many reasons. It may be GIGS and he may not return as he will find something that fits better to him. As hard as it seems you must move forward. You are young and have many things to experience and learn. This is an opportunity for you too. An opportunity for personal growth and for experiences that you could not have in a relationship. In the end he may return and you may not want him because you found something better.

 

In addition many people think "It is GIGS, it was perfect relationship. He will come back". In my personal opinion even in GIGS cases there were problems in the relationship. There is no perfect relationship. Learn from them and make your next relationships better. Who knows, maybe one of them will be with him or may not, BUT NO CLINGE IN HOPE.

 

Let it be, and i can assure you that with time you will feel better

Edited December 26, 2013 by conf

[Tommy16]

Yeah, trying me best to move on. Just finding it very hard over the holidays. Especially so because my Grandma is in the early stages of dementia and keeps forgetting that we are broken up so asks repeatedly when he is coming over.... Funny how things seem to conspire against us, hey? Haha!

 

I know that at this point in time he isn't going to return and I really do not expect him to. I want him to go out and experience all these things that he feels he needs to and I plan to do the same. I don't want to put anyone through this weird sort of breakup! Also, yeah there were definitely some issues in the relationship so I am working on the ones I can work on (nothing major, but could have become an issue if the relationship continued).

 

Not going to cling onto hope - I mean there is hope there, but it is like "I hope to win the lottery". I would like it to happen but I have no expectations and wouldn't live my life any differently.

 

I just want to know how to be friends really. I really appreciate him as a friend and I miss talking to him... I guess I have to spend time apart from him and go no contact until I am over him... just really hard

[fixing]

Hi Tommy. Yeah, it must be hard on you right now. But fact is, you cant be friends with him, at least not when you love him. It will never work out and it will only hurt you.

Look, he has basically just tossed you aside to go and **** other people. Thats kind of harsh man, and you seem to be taking it really well.

 

Keep bettering yourself, but i suggest you cut him off completely. No contact and let yourself heal the ending of this once great relationship.

 

Dont hold back on dating other people too. Go and have fun, your young ffs, you shouldnt be sat here hoping he comes back because in reality he is out screwing other people and not even thinking about you. Sorry, i know thats hard to hear, but its the cold truth you need to hear.

 

If this should even reconcile, he best be bending over backwards (Pun intended i suppose to be regaining your trust and love.

 

He broke your heart, its him who needs to do ALL THE ****ING WORK.

 

Good luck man, and look after your health, and continue the therapy.

[WhiteTan]

Break ups are hard. and if it helps people in the healing process to invent diseases and diagnose them to their exes then you gotta do what you gotta do i guess.. other than that, i wouldn't put too much thought into GIGS because it's only going to prolong false hopes that he might come back to you one day when he realizes how good he had it.

 

call it GIGS if that's what you wanna do but it all comes down to the fact that if he wanted to be with you, he wouldn't have ended the relationship.

 

what could happen is he might date around and then come crawling back to you because nobody else is interested but he would be settling for you at that point and you deserve to be somebody's first choice.

 

I'd suggest to stop contact with him unless you want to be around as a "friend" when he meets his new boyfriend.

 

good luck!

Edited December 28, 2013 by WhiteTan

[Tommy16]

Yeah, you are both right. I can't keep in contact whilst I still love him - just end up hurting myself more.

 

I think the reason I am taking it so well is because I understand. We are both young and have many more things to experience before we settle down into "life-long" relationships. I would rather this than him staying with me and hurting me a lot more down the line. Some people are different and they know exactly what they want from a young age, but I feel it is hard to know what you really want until you have had more experience.

 

So yes, that is what I am going to do! Go out and experience things and make more mistakes and learn more about myself and relationships and life . Then, if in the future it happens with my ex then great, but if it doesn't then that's also great as it obviously wasn't meant to be.

 

I just get a bit down about it sometimes as I do miss him and we both still care a lot for each other. We became best friends! I think that is my main issue.