Married...OW...confused

[Soulmate?]

I am not looking to be bashed here by bitter women, I am looking for some thoughts and advice from people. I know what is happening right now is wrong, unfair, hurtful, and goes angainst everything marriage stands for but here is my story anyway. Why am I putting this out there for everyone to see is because I am very confused and trying to formulate the right answers in my head to make the right decisions.

The run down, I am married for 16yrs, 14 yr boy and 11 yr girl, the greatest kids in the world. very unhappy in marriage, love her and respect her immensely but am seriously missing something that i need, we are such completely different people we do nothing together. I Met someone a couple yrs ago but for 1.75 yrs have just been "hello, how are you?" stuff. About 3 months ago our eyes caught each other in "a way" that started us talking more when we ran into each other and eventually turned into almost daily on the phone and when there is a chance in person. There was instantly some sort of connection and comfort level with each other and my guess this is what started the one thing lead to another thing. I have kissed her once and it made me feel like a kid, this confused me and trying to figure out if have ever felt like this, is this what soul mate means? It was the lose your breath type of thing, pit in your stomach. Now I am to the point that I think of her 24hrs a day, I think of the happiness that could be there, what it would be like to love someone that way and to be loved back that way. Once again I am married now, living at home, and going through life day to day....pretending i guess you could say, going through the motions and by the way she too is married with 2 children and a 12 year relationship. I am so badly trying to figure out the right thing to do. Do you let this go? Do you not let this pass you by? The horrible side is two entire familes will be torn apart, kids will be devistated. My thoughts on my children are how will they view what should be sacred in marriage, the other side of that is what they are learning now of what marriage is, is wrong and unhealthy. Whoever has some thoughts / advice please reply, like I said not looking to be bashed by anyone bitter, I already know it is wrong.

[SASSYPRINCESS]

Its so not unusual at all in my opinion, after being with someone for a long time to wonder wat else is out there for you.. regarding soul mates and also the affection of someone else. You will probably find my response rather odd maybe but I dont think this other lady is your soulmate .

 

I think that after 16 years of being with someone its not suprising to get butterflies when kissing another woman and i am sure it has definitely messed with your mind more since you kissed her...That feeling you describe with her is a feeling everyone desires ...and its only something you feel when your with someone new... or if u help to spice up your current marriage maybe..

 

I personally think you would regret to leave your wife, because you would come to find later that the same thing would happen with the new lady and you will never be able predict how loyal she will be to you? wat if you go with her and then she changes her mind? thats alot of people who go hurt in the meantime, including you..

 

I think, why not talk to your wife about ways to work on your marriage and spice up your sex life with her.. even if it means going to a strip club and getting a lap dance together, or even considering a threesome, or maybe swinging? I dont know , but there is so many other options other than you continuing to cheat on her.. If you dont love your wife anymore , than you need to leave her before being with other woman and that way it wont be for the wrong reasons.. know what i mean?

 

Just my thoughts.. dont know if i helped at all

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Soulmate?

I am not looking to be bashed here by bitter women

 

Okay, just one teeny little bash..... Why the assumption that only women are bitter??? I've met LOTS of bitter people, and only half of them are women.

 

Anyway, I think it's possible that you're looking for validation here. If you hang around long enough someone will surely come along to oblige you.

 

In the meantime, based on the length of your marriage and the age of the children, I'm going to guess that your age is somewhere around 40, give or take a couple of years. And it's possible that you've come to that special place in a man's life where he questions his existance. Has he made the best use of his time? Is the life that he's living today the best he could have done, the best he can ever do? Shouldn't there be more? Questions like that.

 

If any of that hits close to home, then I'd say you're pretty normal.

 

Is it worth destroying two families over? Probably not. But you'll have to be the judge of that.

 

In my opinion (and there are alot of folks who would argue to the contrary), there is no such thing as soul-mates. I think that relationships are more like investments. You get out of them what you put into them. You protect them. And you build on them. My opinion....and worth exactly what you paid for it!

 

I would imagine that if you had married your OW 16 years ago instead of your current wife, you'd still be where you are right now. The only way to make sure that it's really a bad marriage is to finish it.

 

That doesn't mean to trot out and get a divorce. It means that you have to put 100% effort into eliminating all the other fixable problems. Is it you? Is it her? Is there any emotional damage that hasn't been addressed? Depression? Mid-life crisis, either yours or hers? Lots of questions you have to answer before you can rest assured knowing that you are not jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.

 

Chances are you felt quite a bit of breathless excitement the first time you kissed your wife too. It's meaningless and transitory in the long run. But there is something equal to it, and in it's own way better.

 

Consider getting some more information on the marital relationship. Read some books. Try <URL removed> for some good info on-line.

 

If it's true love and soul-mates , it'll keep until you're sure of it.

 

Good luck.

 

[NuevaVida]

Extramarital affairs are fantasies. You find what is missing in your currently partner in the other person without having to fully deal with the bad parts of the person as well. Being that she is married too, her husband can deal with her baggage while you see her positive aspects and your wife gets to deal with your baggage while the OW sees your positive aspects. I am not here to judge you. I have been unfaithful to my spouse numerous times and know from experience how you are feeling. What I have found in the OM are what is missing in my marriage, but none of the people are the full package of what I would want in a real spouse. No one that I have A's with has the character of a person I would marry. OM willing to have affairs (BTW, I always tell the OM up front about my marital status) would not enter the relationship if it weren't just to have carefree sex. It is a game, where you play each other. If you think otherwise, you are liable to get played. The pleasure is like a drug you want to take over and over. But think to yourself, what if you treated your wife the way you treat the OW? Do you think that the relationship would improve? You guys have kids and probably have difficulty with feeling freedom and privacy. Perhaps if you go away and treat your wife the way you would treat the OW if you were going of on a rendevous together, your marriage would improve. And sit down and write down the qualities you like in the OW so you can see what is missing from your M. Are these things that could be improved in your marriage or things you can sacrifice. Only you know the answer to that. But remember, the grass is not greener with the OW, it is just a bubble that eventually will burst.

[KissMyTiara]

...who watched her parents live in an unhappy marriage...children are perceptive and resilient. Know that no matter how hard you try to hide your unhappiness (doesn't matter if it's on the end of just abstract boredom or on the other end of the continuum, such as abuse or something), the kids ALWAYS KNOW their parents aren't as happy as they could/should be.

 

When parents are unhappy, miserable, etc., the children end up feeling guilty for not being able to make you two happy together. Why? Because they realize and understand that they are the glue to the unhappy marriage. They feel guilty because they think if not for them, you'd be happy (separate, but happy).

 

Additionally, if you stay in this unhappy marriage forever, THAT is what they think marriage is. If you divorce, that does NOT mean they think like Britney Spears and don't take marriage and its vows seriously. When you find someone new, and you are happy, truly happy, content, it shows, and the kids see it. They see a happy marriage.

 

You want your children to have happy lives, right? Well, you must lead by example by being happy yourself. Don't flash the affair, take your time with the new woman in your life, but be happy. That is the best thing you can do for them.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I have seen a lot of people saying that the person they are having affairs with are their 'soul mates'. I also see a lot of OW/OM who can't understand it when the person who told them that they were 'soul mates' broke it off and returned to their marriages. I think what is happening with this woman is that you are taking everything that is missing from your marriage and mapping it onto this other woman. It is no wonder that she is the answer to your prayers - the woman you always wanted: because you are subconsciously making her that way. Once it becomes apparent that she isn't what you thought after all, you'll likely become painfully aware of why you chose to spend all those years with your wife (assuming the marriage is a content one).

 

It may be that you are missing something, but you won't find it with that other woman. She is just a representation of what you feel you are missing in your current relationship. You've mapped all this stuff onto her that just isn't real. You can't see that now, and no one will be able to convince you of that - but eventually you'll come to see it. You just have to see where you stand when the 'infatuation fog' clears.

 

You will get to know this other woman for who she is and one of two things will happen:

 

1. The infatuation stage will end, and you'll find that she isn't exactly your soul mate - but you'll fall in love with her genuinely and decide that you would rather have her despite any difficulties it will cause for you and your current wife's families. You will divorce and will go through custody hearings. Your wife will move on, and your children will likely grow to accept it over time.

 

OR

 

2. The infatuation stage will end, the blinders will fall and you will see that this person isn't who you thought she was - in fact, you will realize that your involvement with her has caused your marriage some damage which you will end up hoping and praying that you can fix. You'll realize that your wife is the woman that you are deeply in love with. You'll break things off with the OW, who will be stunned that you are going back to your wife after all those declarations of 'love' and 'soul mates' - but ... you won't really be that concerned, because your marriage and your life will be back on track.

 

So.. think it through. Someone will get hurt in this situation. That's a given. No getting around it. You are making your bed, now you just have to decide how you plan to sleep in it.

[Owl]

I agree with the advice you've been given thus far. Obviously, something is lacking in your marriage, or you wouldn't be looking for it in someone else. But let me ask you this....what have you done to figure out what is lacking, and what have you done to fix that within your own marriage??? My guess is, you've not done either. Almost no one does....until AFTER the affair starts and is discovered.

 

Here's my bit of advice.

 

1. Break off your relationship with the OW for the next six months. NO CONTACT at all for six months. NOTHING. If you work with her, then you've got to find a way to totally limit your interactions...and it has to be ONLY on a business level...not even "looking at each other that way".

 

2. Start marriage counseling NOW. Start trying to figure out what it is that you're lacking in your marriage. What is it that your wife isn't providing you? And while you're at it....what are you not providing your wife?? It does work two ways. At the least, you've started to emotionally withdraw from her as you started to invest more and more emotionally with your OW.

 

3. After you've begun the counseling...admit to your wife what's happened with the OW. Tell the COMPLETE TRUTH. You've kissed her. You've talked about being together.... If you don't tell her, this lie will remain buried and fester. It WILL come back to haunt you later. And you'll never be completely honest with your wife...so you're marriage will never be what it can be if you're not.

 

4. If, in six months of NO CONTACT with your OW, and you've both worked hard on repairing your marriage but you feel like there's just nothing left between you and your wife. Then start a divorce. But DON'T start anything until after you've done all that you can to save what you've already got.

 

You're having an emotional affair. It hasn't completely become physical yet, so the damage isn't as severe as it could be. It's still going to be traumatic as hell to your wife. I know how it feels....my wife was in a similar "emotional" online affair with someone several months ago, which is what brought me here.

 

Break it off now, and do what I've suggested. Think about it...if she's your "soulmate"....then what difference would six months of NC have on her feelings for you, and vice versa. But at least then you'll KNOW you've done all you can to save what you've had for 16 years.

[Soulmate?]

I appreciate your comments, and to LadyJane14 I apologize for implying bitter women, not my intent. As for not trying to figure out the problems, we have, twice been to counsellors, talked and talked and talked, yelled and yelled, no changes. Something feels gone in me and did long before OW appeared. Have little passion for anything anymore feel this is sucking the life out of me. I am an athletic, aggressive (never to the W), outgoing guy for the most part with a rough exterior, that has found myself crying (never happens) at the pain and hurt i am going to cause my kids and my wife, she knows something is wrong now and started realizing it before OW, she is passing out hugs and ILU's 20 times a day, it makes me feel empty to hear it cause it feels so..............Empty inside me.

Was I looking for some sort of validation, probably but also just for some input from others, if i am crying it makes me question my sanity almost, is that part of the problem, probably, I certainly claim no innocense here. I dont dislike or am angry with my W, I actually Love her very much, BUT.....................is this what life is about? shouldn't one aim to be happy? I watch her parents and see it happening, and just dont want it to end up that way.

Why only a kiss with OW, have tried very hard to control what is said and done between us because once the door is opened all of it will snowball..............I know it will. Thanks again.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Soulmate?

...and to LadyJane14 I apologize for implying bitter women, not my intent

 

No worries. In fact, I'm really sorry if you thought my comment was serious. I find humor in weird places sometimes.

 

The "emptiness" that you are describing is characteristic of mild depression. Sometimes when the symptoms are really mild it's hard to imagine that the problem is actually physiological. My opinion only, but I think that there are times in our lives that our bodies must realign their chemical balance.

 

Please consider getting screened by your medical doctor. Take note of all of your other physical symptoms, no matter how small. Look for things that might be just a little off, and almost not even noticable.....changes in sleeping habits, snoring, headaches, sinus/allergy problems, changes in the bowels, acid reflux, etc.

 

Chemical depression is not a character flaw. It's an imbalance in the body. That's why the medicines work. If it was all in your head, it wouldn't respond to medication.......and it does.

 

Rule out all possibilities before you make a permanent decision on your marriage. You'll thank yourself later for taking the time to make the best decision you can.

[Rikka]

There also remains the possibility that Soulmate is genuinely miserable in his marriage, and not just depressed. He doesn't say his LIFE feels empty, but that he feels empty in response to his wife's efforts at affection.

 

Soulmate, have you had three or more of these symptoms for more than 2 weeks? If so, you should see a doctor about possible treatments.

 

Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood

Loss of interest or pleasure in activities, including sex

Restlessness, irritability, or excessive crying

Feelings of (nonspecific) guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, pessimism

Sleeping too much or too little, early-morning awakening

Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain

Decreased energy, fatigue, feeling "slowed down"

Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts

Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions

Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain

 

If you don't have three or more of these symptoms, I don't think you have to worry about depression. I do think you might like to see an individual counselor, though, to sort out how you feel about your life and what to do about it.