beach Posted December 28, 2013 Share Posted December 28, 2013 I think he meant it as in I love my kids but I love you too . We have both stayed married for our children adults or not , we have always but them first No, you haven't put them first. Putting them first would show never having an affair. You put yourselves first. Kids came after the affair as far as priority. His words mean nothing - his actions haven't changed. The fact that you make a big deal about his chosen words means something. You want it to be a big deal to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HisSweety Posted December 28, 2013 Author Share Posted December 28, 2013 No, you haven't put them first. Putting them first would show never having an affair. You put yourselves first. Kids came after the affair as far as priority. His words mean nothing - his actions haven't changed. The fact that you make a big deal about his chosen words means something. You want it to be a big deal to him. Let me guess you are a BS ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted December 28, 2013 Share Posted December 28, 2013 To your opening post. He was probably just fantasizing within the context of the affair. I wouldn't give it too much weight. It will mess with your head if you do as you already see. Try disregarding it and only worry about it if he follows it up with actions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted December 28, 2013 Share Posted December 28, 2013 Let me guess you are a BS ? Labels - have nothing to do with decency. You are both cheating - lies go along with that - so consider his words... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Finally Settled Posted December 29, 2013 Share Posted December 29, 2013 I believe his intention was to let you know that he loves you enough to put you and his love for you in a place of priority in his life. I think his words may well have been clumsy, but their essence is clear. I had that same sort of epiphany myself when I was moving towards divorce. I had used my love and devotion for my children as an excuse to not move forward in my life for many years. I used them as part of what grounded me in a marriage that was as unfulfilling to my wife as it was to me. At one point when I had made the decision to leave my wife I found I actually had to do the same to leave my adult children. I wasn't leaving them per se, but I was exposing myself to them in a horribly negative way. I had been selfish since the beginning of the affair, but the time had come to be honest about my selfishness. It was time to let them now how precious they were to me, but also that I needed to find own happiness. In therapy I realized that one of the block to me ending the marriage when I thought it was over was that I didn't want to disappoint them. I wanted their fairy tale lives to carry on, but I wanted happiness and fulfillment for myself as well. How shocking it was to see the devastation I had put them into while in my mind trying my best to protect them. I believe your married man was saying he is ready to move forward and though he loves them, he loves you and it is a priority enough that he will risk disappointing them with the truth of his inadequacies as a father. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted December 29, 2013 Share Posted December 29, 2013 FS - did you tell your family openly and honestly that you'd been having an affair? I'm not sure the OP's other MM is plotting to end his marriage - but it serves as a purposeful ego stroke to her. Without actions that match his words - it's not truth/realistic to think he would leave his M. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Finally Settled Posted December 29, 2013 Share Posted December 29, 2013 FS - did you tell your family openly and honestly that you'd been having an affair? I'm not sure the OP's other MM is plotting to end his marriage - but it serves as a purposeful ego stroke to her. Without actions that match his words - it's not truth/realistic to think he would leave his M. I did indeed tell them once I had made the decision to leave my wife and our home. I stayed silent to that point as she had requested I not say anything to them when the affair came to light. I had wanted to and my therapist had advised me to, but she asked that one thing of me and I complied. When I chose to leave I delivered the truth. They had assumptions and they were horribly upset what I had done to their mother, but we are doing well now. I agree that the intention is not the deed done, but I also contend that we are not there to see how he speaks the words and what he will do once she gives him the encouragement. What she does with the deeds, or lack of them, will be up to her. I am only giving my view on what his words meant. The rest is up to her. Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted December 29, 2013 Share Posted December 29, 2013 FS, your posts are a refreshing read in the midst of all hurt, pain and confusion we usually read about here in this forum. I'm glad things worked out for you. After reading about all of the let downs people suffer it's hard to see someone's words for more than just that - words. Thanks for pointing out that His Sweety's MM may be saying more than just words. I admit, after reading about all of the hurt and pain here, I jumped to the negative right away. That being said, I think I will sign off and go focus on doing something fun and positive! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted December 29, 2013 Share Posted December 29, 2013 I did indeed tell them once I had made the decision to leave my wife and our home. I stayed silent to that point as she had requested I not say anything to them when the affair came to light. I had wanted to and my therapist had advised me to, but she asked that one thing of me and I complied. When I chose to leave I delivered the truth. They had assumptions and they were horribly upset what I had done to their mother, but we are doing well now. I agree that the intention is not the deed done, but I also contend that we are not there to see how he speaks the words and what he will do once she gives him the encouragement. What she does with the deeds, or lack of them, will be up to her. I am only giving my view on what his words meant. The rest is up to her. I commend you for being honest and taking action. I got the impression the OP had no intention of leaving her M... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HisSweety Posted December 29, 2013 Author Share Posted December 29, 2013 I commend you for being honest and taking action. I got the impression the OP had no intention of leaving her M... Your impression is wrong . I am in the early stages of planning my future life without my H . It does take time , and I had decided along time ago that it is a move I need to make for me , and me alone Link to post Share on other sites
Author HisSweety Posted December 29, 2013 Author Share Posted December 29, 2013 I believe his intention was to let you know that he loves you enough to put you and his love for you in a place of priority in his life. I think his words may well have been clumsy, but their essence is clear. I had that same sort of epiphany myself when I was moving towards divorce. I had used my love and devotion for my children as an excuse to not move forward in my life for many years. I used them as part of what grounded me in a marriage that was as unfulfilling to my wife as it was to me. At one point when I had made the decision to leave my wife I found I actually had to do the same to leave my adult children. I wasn't leaving them per se, but I was exposing myself to them in a horribly negative way. I had been selfish since the beginning of the affair, but the time had come to be honest about my selfishness. It was time to let them now how precious they were to me, but also that I needed to find own happiness. In therapy I realized that one of the block to me ending the marriage when I thought it was over was that I didn't want to disappoint them. I wanted their fairy tale lives to carry on, but I wanted happiness and fulfillment for myself as well. How shocking it was to see the devastation I had put them into while in my mind trying my best to protect them. I believe your married man was saying he is ready to move forward and though he loves them, he loves you and it is a priority enough that he will risk disappointing them with the truth of his inadequacies as a father. Thank You for your insight , I am beginning to believe that was what he was saying . Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 I believe his intention was to let you know that he loves you enough to put you and his love for you in a place of priority in his life. I think his words may well have been clumsy, but their essence is clear. I had that same sort of epiphany myself when I was moving towards divorce. I had used my love and devotion for my children as an excuse to not move forward in my life for many years. I used them as part of what grounded me in a marriage that was as unfulfilling to my wife as it was to me. At one point when I had made the decision to leave my wife I found I actually had to do the same to leave my adult children. I wasn't leaving them per se, but I was exposing myself to them in a horribly negative way. I had been selfish since the beginning of the affair, but the time had come to be honest about my selfishness. It was time to let them now how precious they were to me, but also that I needed to find own happiness. In therapy I realized that one of the block to me ending the marriage when I thought it was over was that I didn't want to disappoint them. I wanted their fairy tale lives to carry on, but I wanted happiness and fulfillment for myself as well. How shocking it was to see the devastation I had put them into while in my mind trying my best to protect them. I believe your married man was saying he is ready to move forward and though he loves them, he loves you and it is a priority enough that he will risk disappointing them with the truth of his inadequacies as a father. While I am grateful that you post your thoughts, as it gives us a glimpse into what the truth really is and is so enlightening, I don't think that all MM ultimately have the strength to go through with leaving their family like you have, and they often don't, even though they may feel exactly how you explain things. People have different levels of courage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 Thank You for your insight , I am beginning to believe that was what he was saying . Then just ask him if that what he was saying/that's what his intentions are. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 (edited) Never mind... As far as the original post... I kind of find it sad that someone would seriously say that they love another more than their own kids. I'm really close to my family so I guess maybe that's why that rubbed me the wrong way. Edited December 30, 2013 by sweet_pea 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Finally Settled Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 While I am grateful that you post your thoughts, as it gives us a glimpse into what the truth really is and is so enlightening, I don't think that all MM ultimately have the strength to go through with leaving their family like you have, and they often don't, even though they may feel exactly how you explain things. People have different levels of courage. I agree with you on this. I never tell posters that my truth is reality for every affair, I merely offer insight into what can happen. I have long said that people don't normally leave lengthy marriages unless there is an event that precipitates it. Even when an event occurs, most people will cling to the safe and familiar with every ounce of their being. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HisSweety Posted January 7, 2014 Author Share Posted January 7, 2014 Well I thought I would give an update . After dropping the " L " word on me and my wanting some " clarification " I found out that yes the feelings are there but not enough to give up everything . Realization set in and now he says he regrets saying it . Said he wants to leave but scared his family would turn him away , scared to give up everything . I reminded him I never asked him to do that , I was totally happy with our special friendship , until he said the word . After thinking about it for several days , I decided to just lay low and have LC for a while . We are supposed to go away for a weekend at the end of the month , I am not sure if I want to . His saying the L word then basically saying OOOOPS has made me realize a few things about him and myself that I need to take time and reflect on . Thanks for your advice and please don't give me the I told you so : ) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 You've assigned meaning to something that he hasn't. It's not a big deal to him - it is a big deal to you. Do some soul searching on that concept. It may help you understand things better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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