Mazellan Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 Hi fellow copers (or non-copers?) Its been 2 months since my partner of 23 years left, she was seeing someone before she left and I presume she is still seeing him. She has been staying at a friends, but is now looking for her own place. After much soul searching I understand why she left, I take about 60% responsibility for the breakup. I think she was right to leave me but I wish she hadn't fallen in love with someone else first. I am constantly thinking about specific incidences over the last 23 years when I should have done something different, like when I watched some stupid tv program instead of talking to her about her day, or not giving adequate appreciation for a small present she may have bought me, etc. etc. I am going through a lot of changes, my health and fitness levels are the best ever, I am going out and meeting new people, looking at a career change, looking to travel. I have bought new clothes and tidied up my appearance. Basically all the things she has wanted me to do. I would have hoped that after 6 months to a year she would look on me with a new light and we could start dating, basically starting out all over again. If she breaks up with her affair maybe that will happen. As much as I would like it, no contact is out of the question as we are selling our house (painting, cleaning, contracts to sign, etc.) and still have 2 kids living at home. The youngest, girl 15, is suffering depression from the loss of her mother, and the fact that her mother's new lover is a teacher from her school whom she hated. I am encouraging my daughter and her mother to have regular contact, and for her mother to try to heal the wounds she has caused. At the moment I can't leave her by herself at night to visit friends, which makes my recovery harder. I need adult contact, it has been hard on the kids seeing me suffer. My problem is I can't stop thinking about situations where I have behaved badly in our time together. I can't just hate her for cheating on me, and move on, I feel as if it is all of my own doing. I miss her greatly, and feel bad for f#*king things up. I have read about creative visualization where you picture yourself in the future you want, new job, new partner, new life. If you can keep it up then that future should materialize. It's just hard to maintain the image, when you are surrounded by objects from your past together. I know once I sell the house and get my own place things will be easier. If anyone has any other techniques that they found useful, please share them. I am ready to try anything (I am having a Tarot reading tomorrow). Take Care, Mazellan Link to post Share on other sites
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 Mazellan, there is a good book called "How To Mend Your Broken Heart" by Paul McKenna & Hugh Willbourn My problem is I can't stop thinking about situations where I have behaved badly in our time together. I can't just hate her for cheating on me, and move on, I feel as if it is all of my own doing. I miss her greatly, and feel bad for f#*king things up. all this blaming yourself is natural and everyone in your situation does this, the book goes into more depth! i can't really get it to work like it should for me but at least the book explains to the reader that all these emotions are completely normal and i.e you are not going crazy it has exercises to try and speed up the grieving process but i find them not really that effective but fun to read some people might be able to do them some not NC isn't an option for you yet but someday it might be ( depends upon you wanting to see the children ) time is the real only healer and may take many many years in some circumstances usually mixed in with non-contact unless you have a new love in your life Link to post Share on other sites
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