disappearing act

[UnicornGirl]

NC for going on one month now. officially 4 months since the breakup tomorrow. haven't seen him in more than two months.

 

I can't stop crying. how do you deal with someone that bared their soul to you disappearing, carrying on with their life as if you do not exist, and on top of that -- lying and being falsely indecisive about getting together for three months? even before the NC started, he'd said he would call soon and, 2 weeks later, that he hoped he'd talk to me soon.

 

I don't even want to be with him now. I only long for answers that I can't allow myself to ask the questions for. I can't allow myself to send him messages online, e-mail, call, anything. but I would like to know -- why have you become someone else? why do you pretend nothing has happened? why is this so clear to you when it is nothing but a blurry mess to me? why have you replaced me with "new friends?" why do you say you care, and then disappear? we were together for three and a half years, and he was so committed. now his behavior is inexplicable.

 

why do people disappear? do they ever come back?

 

and more so, why do they lie when honesty is so much less painful?

 

it's NC, and so little has been resolved, other than he thinks he'll never want to be together again, but he's not ruling out that we'll ever be together again. is this a waiting game for a resolution? or is there none?

 

I am just rambling. but I am just so hurt and it seems all my recent improvements keep slipping in the morning, the mid-afternoon, and late in the evening.

[Sukotto]

The obvious answer is this guy is an ass hole, I sit and wonder the same thing about my ex. She seems to flip flop and I decided that I couldn't take it any more and i've been going no contact since the 26th December. Though I did drop off a birthday card on Tuesday there.

 

I get down as well when I think about all the good times we had together and the false promises and then I force myself to think of the bad times we had and all that she has done since the split and it makes me feel better. She isn't that person any more and I've been learning to accept that. My solution was to bring my friends closer, i've been seeing them all the time and i've forced myself to go out on dates with other people.

 

I think you should stop waiting and dwelling on him and start looking for other guys, even if they dont go anywhere it will be a huge boost to your self esteem,

[snilljente]

I went through this same experience and am still grieving...in my quest for answers I talked to friends, family, went online....looked everywhere for answers because Mr. Disappearing Act didn't have the decency to give them to me....Finally, my brother sent me an email one day when I was having a particularly bad day and he said something really wise.....it went something like this...

 

"There are mean, insensitive, selfish people out there in the world and you won't ever understand why they do what they do because you aren't one of them".......wow, so much wisdom from my little (32!) brother .....I am glad that I can't relate to people who do this stuff...it I could, it would mean that I wasn't the caring person that I am that can't imagine "disappearing" one day on someone I adored the day before.....I would at least talk to them, given them an HONEST explanation...no lies, no games, no unnecesary heartache......hang in there girls...

[Gottabestrong]

Dear Unicorn,

 

sorry to hear that you are doing so badly. I totally understand how you are feeling.

 

Is not it strange that 4 month after the breakup you are still crying and heartbroken? I thought that would get better in time.

 

Maybe it hurts so much right now because we are now starting to accept that our relationships are really over. Up until a short while ago we probably still had hope.

 

My current NC only last 8 days so far. You have been on it for a month, does it get better after a few weeks? Or worse?

 

Somehow I am hoping that I will feel better once I have not heard from him for a month or so, because the first few days are always the worst.

 

Hang in there, at some point things GOT to get better!

 

Love, Hugs,

Danielle

[seductress989]

Hey,

I'm really sorry you're still feeling badly after four months of being broken up. I can relate to you on this b/c I've had a similiar experience with my ex. I broke up w/him in June for good and kept in contact with him until early November. Seeing him was one of the worst things I done to myself and it kept me from moving on. He lead me on by saying all these things he didn't mean and coming to see me. When he did come to see me, he brought me gifts. Those actions and false words can really brainwash you. I realized in early November that I had finally had enough of his schenanigans and brainwashing. My 1st attempt at NC went sour. I lasted a month and a half and went to see him in early November. That meeting lead me to an epiphany. Hurtful words and shouting.....things were said I can never forget.

After our last meeting, I knew I could not be lead on any longer. I had to move on. Now I've been doing NC for almost 2 months and I'm so happy!!! It's been 6 months now since the breakup and I'm ready to date. Not seeing him has definitely helped me heal. I hope you can find the strength within yourself to do what's right and move on. You don't have to hurt any longer. Focus on yourself and what's really important to you. I assure that things will get better. Hope this helps. Keep us posted. Sincerely: Seductress

[whichwayisup]

Hey, that is really horrible what he has done to you. Your brother is so right! You are a good honest person and because of that you will not understand this a**h***! (He is more than that, but no need for me to say anything, I'm sure you've thought of it all anyway!)

 

Remember...IT WAS HIM, not you. YOU did not do anything wrong...HE DID. He is not worth the time, effort, energy- NOTHING.

 

I know you probably need closure, but find it in yourself to have that closure because he will NEVER give it to you no matter how much you want him to or need it. Sucks, I know, but keep in your heart that the time you spent together was good for a while...But he is sick in the head, couldn't handle a real nice person, so he screwed it up. THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, please know that, believe it and DO not let him ruin you or make you feel sad anymore!!!

 

Keep busy, see friends, be active, do fun things that you love...Flirt with other guys and FEEL good about yourself. That is how you get over this a**h***!!

[Med Student]

I just read the string of replies. I'm in your very same situation right now. Miserable because I opened up to a guy I thought was a friend. He acted interested and even flew out to meet me and treated me to a snowboarding trip etc. We were long distance and there were things that were glaring red signs, but I didn't listen to my instincts. I gave it my all and poof, he has disappeared.

I am just glad I didn't invest any more time.

 

I know you must have loved him, but there are people out there that will treat you as you should be treated. Try to stay strong.

[Gin]

Michael and I are boyfriend and girlfriend for one year. In the past one year, we spent more time together and getting to know each other better.

 

My best gf told me that two girls said Michael loves Gin so much and they didn't think Gin loves Michael that much. Also I could remember that every one of my friends and relatives, all told me that Michael is perfect and I get the right pick up. I know I did. I love him. I think about love and like for long time and actually still confused. But I think I love him.

 

I know him not only from our campus life but also from the daily life. I feel lucky to have chance to know Michael in the apartment, which means I could see how he would be if we really marry and live together. I know he has severally bad habits and I believe I have too. So I can't stop loving someone just because of these.

 

Michael kept asking me why I love him because I bet he is still not sure whether I really love him or not. I told him million times that I love him but he wants the reasons for it.

 

In my opinion, there is no reason for love. But if he really wants some, I told me because he is smart, humourous, cute and the most important thing is he knows what he is doing and what he is going to do. I think I will marry a guy rich in mind not just in the pocket.

 

I asked him why he loves me also. He said one sentence that he believes he could spend the rest of life with me. That is enough and really enough. Right?

 

 

 

 

 

Gin

[angelstar]

I sympathize with you. My x and i only broke up 4 days now. I wish the pain and emptyness i feel would just disappear.

 

You kind of answered your own question. I don't want to sound to in sensitive. BUt you said you didnt really think you want to go out with him anymore.

 

And the answers we would all like as women from our fellow XMEN. well sometimes we never find out why how or who.

 

I'm not one for holding a grudge but maybe you need to be angry with him for awhile and be selfish by looking after yourself.

 

Some of the girls on the posting have said some very interesting things. What you and i both need to do is just look after ourselves. GO jogging in the morning.

Keeeeep yourself busy. Do some volunteer work maybe?

 

Meditate at night. I know the tears will wallow. Thats completely natural and healthy. It's good to cry. Just dont hold it in.

 

Keep yourself busy. Stop putting him first and put YOU first ok.

 

I'm going to be around on this forum a while. I'm a first timer to this sort of chat room but believe you me reading stories on other peoples sadness and rescue is helping me cope with my issues.

 

My heart goes out to you. YOu will be ok. infact every single one of us on this site will find mr or mrs right one day.

 

Be good.

[LexiB]

Originally posted by snilljente

"There are mean, insensitive, selfish people out there in the world and you won't ever understand why they do what they do because you aren't one of them".......wow, so much wisdom from my little (32!) brother ...

 

Ditto on the wow Snilljente I hope there are more guys out there like your bro.

[That_girl]

This guy I was seeing did the exact same thing to me so I know exactly what you're going through...it's been 4 months that I haven't seen him, and when he talked to me online about 3 weeks ago I told him that I didn't want him in my life at all right now. I'm just so upset about his disapearing that I can't even bear to talk to him online, much less look him in the eye. One would think that 4 months is plenty of time to get even the least bit better but I'm still hurting...even more than before. Someone above me was saying that this stage is the worst because you start coming to the realization that it's really over, and I think he/she is right. It hurts so much right now because the more time that passes the more you lose hope and start to face the facts. I'm just trying to remember that this happened for a reason, obviously he and I weren't meant for each other if he could just pull a disapearing act like this. And, obviously everything he ever said to me was a lie...or at least not true anymore. So I'm feeling your pain, and I'm dealing with it. Cry it out if you have to, go nuts...eventually you'll stop crying and begin to move on. Surround yourself with friends and family and do as much as you can to divert your focus from him. Good luck and I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this because I know how ****in badly it sucks. Things will get better.