Retroactive jealousy

[Sunshinekitty444]

I recently learned the phrase retroactive jealousy precisely describes what I've been experiencing in my current relationship. I've been described by people that know me as very logical, but when it comes to this experience, it's like the logic ceases to exist. At the same time, my mind is sometimes deluded into believing that the irrational thoughts are based in some sensible reality.

 

In short, here's the story. I had been dating my boyfriend for several months. We had/have a very active physical relationship. When we first started dating, he said it had been a while since he had slept with anyone. I didn't ask for any details and just thought, "Good, he's not a 'player.'" One day, I was using his phone (with his permission) while he was out. A text came in and the content flashed on the top of the screen. I saw my name in it; naturally, I opened the text and read some of the background. While the content wasn't awfully, it made me see a side of him that I didn't know existed. He used terms and talked about me in a way that I didn't expect from him. For example, (because I had scrolled to earlier in the conversation) I saw that he said to his friend, "I was balls deep in her this Saturday." I was pretty disgusted.

 

Stupidly, I decided to delve deeper. I looked at earlier texts from right around the time we started talking. I saw a thread between him and a girl a few days before our first date where she said she was bored and he replied, "Come over naked." Based on the text string, it was obvious she proceeded to go to his house. That was just 3 or 4 days before our first date.

 

There was other content in the texts that plagued me. So, I left him a note saying that I had a good time with him that weekend but I didn't think it would work out. When he got home, he saw my note and didn't know what caused my reaction. He called me and I explained that I had breached his privacy and gone through some of his texts because I saw my name. I further explained that I didn't like some of what I saw. He said he could understand why I wouldn't like it. He also said he didn't sleep with the girl a few days before our first date, though he tried. He described her as a "cock tease." Basically, the problem wasn't so much in his actions or statements, but in the fact that my perception of him did not align with what I saw and learned from his texts.

 

Nevertheless, we continued dating. He explained that he was an immature ******* and that he shouldn't have talked about me like that. He also talked to a lot of his friends about the incident and many of them could understand why someone's girlfriend wouldn't want her boyfriend to tell his friends he was "balls deep" in her.

 

Things for fine for a few months. Then, in passing, I mentioned that I can't understand how a guy could toss salad. I said I know people do it and I've had guys do it to me (with resistance on my part), but that I think it's absolutely gross that someone would willingly lick someone else's excrement exit. At that point, we had been together for several months and he had never attempted any such thing, so I thought it was fair to assume he wasn't into it either. However, to my surprise, he said, "I've done it a couple times." Again, I experienced the same shock I had experienced when I went through his texts. There I was with one image of my boyfriend only to find out he's something else. As much as I tried to control the urge to ask, I didn't succeed. I asked who he did it with. To me, if it were with prior girlfriends, while I'd still think it was gross, it would make sense that he would experiment with them and it seemed like he'd know their hygiene better (thus, perhaps, making it slightly less disgusting). Instead, he informed me that it was with two different one night stands.

 

While I realize on the rational side that it was in the past, it makes me feel dirty to date someone that would lick strangers' asses. I know people do that; I know people have one night stands; I know people do other kinky things; I know there are "player" guys in abundance out there. But, I didn't know I would be dating one. I also didn't like the fact that he had done things like that with complete strangers yet I deemed our sex life to be pretty damn vanilla. It made me feel like he wasn't that into me even though he tells me repeatedly that he's never been in love with anyone before me (which is supported in reality because he hadn't had a girlfriend in eight years -- since his college days).

 

All of this would be fine if it were a passing occurrence. It didn't pass though. The images repeated in my head. I imaged the most graphic of pornographic experiences and that image looped in my head repeatedly. I became disgusted with seeing his face and kissing his lips, thinking about his mouth being on some stray ass. I thought asking him questions about it would help resolve the issue. It seemed to have done just the opposite, though.

[PegNosePete]

Well, when people are younger they get urges to experiment and do this kind of thing. When they bring up the kinky stuff they run the risk that their partner will be disgusted, put their clothes right back on and run straight out the front door screaming (as you probably would have done!).

 

So that is why he did it with an ONS. He didn't care about her, so he didn't care what she thought of him. If she ran away screaming, so what? He's only lost one night.

 

But with you, he does care. He doesn't suggest the weird stuff because he really cares about you and doesn't want to scare you off. If you ran away screaming he would be really hurt because he cares about you.

 

Either that or he's been there, done that, got the T-shirt and doesn't want to do it again. Just because he has done some things and had ONS does not make him a "player". Unless it happened a lot of times? But even then, people can change. How long ago was it?

[d0nnivain]

Your dislike of his discussions with his friends of your intimate relationship is a present problem. The crude way he does it is current problem #2. If he stops at your request, put that in the win column.

 

 

If his other behaviors now are good, you have to find a way to get over whatever he may have done before he met you, even if it was just 3 days earlier. It's not like he can change the past but if his current behavior is honorable it shouldn't be an issue

[Sunshinekitty444]

The "experimentation" was four years ago. He said he saw it in a porn and had the urge to do it. I was able to roll with that for the first instance he did it, but I couldn't understand why he did it a second time with another random. If it was something he derived pleasure from, I could relate because we all enjoy "pleasures of the flesh." But doing something gross like that to/for someone(s) that he didn't even know turns me off. I also can't help but think that these girls weren't clean, not because anything was wrong with them, but because if you're out all day and then out all night at a bar, it's not the same level of cleanliness as just getting out of the shower.

 

I trust that he wouldn't cheat on me and that he doesn't wish he was living his old lifestyle, which did include a decent amount of random hookups, but for some [irrational?] reason, the fact that he did certain things in his past repulses me.

 

I agree that people can change and he has demonstrated that, but the fact that I am with someone who thought it was acceptable to (more than once) lick unclean regions of strangers keeps disturbing my thoughts. Also, I feel like he should want to experiment with me, not necessarily in the same respects, but it would be nice if there was something new or scared about our physical relations.

[Sunshinekitty444]

Additionally, at some point after I had read the texts, I felt inclined to ask when the last sexual partner was prior to me, since it no longer seemed likely that it was all that long ago as I had originally thought. He said about a month. I asked who and he said a cafeteria worker from his job that he had utilized as a booty call. I also found that disgusting. While I don't mean to pass judgment on her, I can't help it. I'm a professional and I can't imagine hooking up with let's say the maintenance guys in my building. Again, I have nothing against people's professions, but I just wouldn't sleep with anyone just because they're offering it. I somehow feel like it makes me less valuable that he was willing to sleep with any piece of ass around him. From what he's told me and what I've seen of these girls (many of which are not attractive), that appears to be the case. He went for the low hanging fruit because (in his words) he "didn't like putting in any effort."

 

While he was single, I don't think that's reason to sleep with anyone in any given opportunity. I have single guy friends who don't do that, so I know it's possible to refrain from such conduct. So, I guess in my mind, I get that he was single and had urges that he needed to fulfill, but the liberality and nature of his fulfillment at his current age bothers me. Had he had these experiences during college (which he did too), I would be less bothered, but to be in his late 20s, early 30s doing those things makes me question his character. He says that his sexual acts are not a reflection of his character, but I don't see how that can be true. He was the pursuer in the situations so it's not as though he was coerced or pressured into anything.

[samsungxoxo]

I would find that totally repulsive too. If you stay with him, you're compromising. Are you sure you want to do that and continue having repulsive thoughts about it or dump him and find a man that is serious and doesn't do sleep around?

[PegNosePete]

I'm a professional and I can't imagine hooking up with let's say the maintenance guys in my building.

Well, that's up to you. Some people would. I'm sure you have seen Diet Coke adverts where a group of women are lusting after the gardener, window cleaner, etc.

 

While he was single, I don't think that's reason to sleep with anyone in any given opportunity. I have single guy friends who don't do that

Ha - technically, you have single guy friends who told you they wouldn't do that. Would they really turn down free sex if they had the opportunity? Not many single guys would. It's just how we're wired I'm afraid.

 

it would be nice if there was something new or scared about our physical relations.

Like physical relations with someone he really cares about? Isn't that new to him? Believe me that is better than any ass licking.

[Sunshinekitty444]

Please note that on the rational side, I completely understand that he can't change the past and that it's not fair to condemn someone for it. We all make mistakes or do things that others wouldn't necessarily agree with. But, on the irrational side, the negative thoughts just loop through my head and affect my view of him.

[Sunshinekitty444]

Samsung- Which part would you find repulsive? Also, are you male or female?

[samsungxoxo]

Samsung- Which part would you find repulsive? Also, are you male or female?

Female here

 

I find the text you found and also the way he explained about using a cafeteria worker as a booty call disgusting. I never had casual sex nor ONS in my life so I wouldn't get use to being with a man like that.

 

It's one thing to have urges and yes anyone would fantasize and masturbate but to actually act out on it repetitvely times with randoms means the individual lacks self-control and most of the times past behaviors do predict future behaviors.

[Sunshinekitty444]

Do you think it matters one way or the other that he was heavily intoxicated during the encounters?

[samsungxoxo]

Do you think it matters one way or the other that he was heavily intoxicated during the encounters?

It would to be because that means he is acting out on reckless behaviors. By doing it when intoxicated it means he already put himself in that position. Why drink when you know something is going to happen and know you're not going to be able to control yourself?

 

Alcohol only makes you do what you wouldn't do while sober but it does brings your true colors; that's still you and alcohol alone didn't change you.

[PegNosePete]

most of the times past behaviors do predict future behaviors.

Yes, that is true. He had casual sex and did kinky things when he was single. But why is that a problem for the OP? It does not mean he would cheat or have ONS with other women while he is seeing her. The OP has not mentioned any instances of cheating or inappropriate behaviour towards other women while he is with her, or with any previous partners. His past behaviour... whilst physically "dirty", is morally clean. 2 consenting adults behind closed doors without hurting anyone else.

[Sunshinekitty444]

Yes, my qualm isn't so much with morality but rather with physical aspects. It's not like I think "oh, he's a bad person." The thought is, "oh, he's a gross, thoughtless [of the consequences/hygiene] person."

[samsungxoxo]

Yes, that is true. He had casual sex and did kinky things when he was single. But why is that a problem for the OP? It does not mean he would cheat or have ONS with other women while he is seeing her. The OP has not mentioned any instances of cheating or inappropriate behaviour towards other women while he is with her, or with any previous partners. His past behaviour... whilst physically "dirty", is morally clean. 2 consenting adults behind closed doors without hurting anyone else.

Maybe it's a problem for the OP because she probably has never done that or doesn't share that lifestyle nor understands it. Or it can also be that the context is overbearing and too disgusting to overlook it. Edited December 27, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[eotdevice]

Looks to me that you are looking for confirmation of his poor behavior from the masses to justify dumping him.

 

My question is how is the rest of your relationship outside of the intimacy? Does he treat you well and with respect?

 

I am a guy here. I don't do one night stands. Was married for 15 years and tried plenty of things / positions with my ex. Would you judge me the same way?

 

All that happened prior to you point to his character today. Maybe he learned that was not something he likes to do. Perhaps he learned some of the things you like to do with him from those prior ONS?

 

You need to look at the whole package and make the decision.

[Sunshinekitty444]

I think it's more of the latter: "Or it can also be that the context is overbearing and too disgusting to overlook it."

 

He also said he did or tried to stick his finger in every girl he slept with's ass because he "liked feeling [his] dick while it was inside of them." That's another thing I find repulsive. I don't even like going into bathrooms that smell, let alone thinking about sticking my fingers or tongue in someone's exit. I don't know how normal these behaviors are. I mean, I don't think he's a sexual deviant, but I assume that these aren't things that every man does or wants to do. Am I wrong?

[PegNosePete]

The thought is, "oh, he's a gross, thoughtless [of the consequences/hygiene] person."

Hygiene: maybe they showered first?

 

Consequences: what consequences? He was single, 2 consenting adults, went their own ways afterwards. Nobody got hurt.

[Sunshinekitty444]

The rest of the relationship is decent. It was a work in progress at the beginning because it seemed he wasn't used to having a girlfriend and treating me as such, but he's definitely improved a lot. Now, I'm the problem because I just can't get over the bs past.

[Sunshinekitty444]

Hygiene: maybe they showered first?

 

Consequences: what consequences? He was single, 2 consenting adults, went their own ways afterwards. Nobody got hurt.

 

They didn't shower first. I asked because that would make it less gross.

 

Consequences -- he didn't use a condoms with at least half of the randoms.

[Sunshinekitty444]

Looks to me that you are looking for confirmation of his poor behavior from the masses to justify dumping him.

 

 

 

I started out the thread by stating that I have a problem with obsessively thinking about something in the past. So, I'm not really looking for confirmation of his poor behavior. I already think (on a repeated loop) that the behavior was poor. I guess I'm just trying to see what advice people have for reconditioning my thoughts.

[samsungxoxo]

They didn't shower first. I asked because that would make it less gross.

 

Consequences -- he didn't use a condoms with at least half of the randoms.

I can understand how you're grossed out. He took the risk of catching an STD by doing that. If you've been intimate with him, I hope both of us got tested. Some STD's don't show up until about many months later.

[Keenly]

Not really fair to be mad at him for things he did before you met / before tour first date. You keep admitting you are being irrational, but then you continue to be irrational. Its obvious you don't let this go, even though this is all standard stuff.

 

First of all, you shouldn't be going through his phone. I don't care what you saw. Your name or whatever. Instead you could have been an daily and asked to see the text rather than violate his privacy. Was he talking derogatory ? Yes he was. I bet you just had sex within a day or two and he was excited and wanted to tell his friends he got lucky with an amazing girl, so the guy talk version of " I got lucky " came out.

 

 

 

Secondly? If all of this stuff bothers you on an irrational level, just leave. You will keep bringing it up and letting it bother you. Just wait until your next argument. You will bring this up and throw it in his face.

 

You have to choose whether or not you can get over it, COMPLETELY over it, or leave.

[Sunshinekitty444]

Its obvious you don't let this go, even though this is all standard stuff.

 

 

It is standard for a guy to meet a girl at a bar, take her home, and toss her salad?

[Sunshinekitty444]

Not really fair to be mad at him for things he did before you met / before tour first date. You keep admitting you are being irrational, but then you continue to be irrational.

 

That's why it's a problem on my end. Because I can recognize it's a problem, but can't seem to get past it.