Retroactive jealousy

[Keenly]

It is standard for a guy to meet a girl at a bar, take her home, and toss her salad?

 

Its normal for a young guy to try something new that he has never done before.

[PegNosePete]

It doesn't matter whether it's standard or not. He did it, it doesn't matter what other guys do. As Keenly said, you have a hatred of the fact that he did this. Whether it's irrational or not, is irrelevant as well. The fact is you don't like it.

 

So what can you do, well you can either get over it, or dump him over it. It's not going to go away. There's nothing you can do to help you get over it because everything we're saying on here is a rational thought process, and you've already said lots of times that you're being irrational. So I guess if you can't get over it, whether for rational (hygiene/consequence/STD) or irrational (ewwww) reasons, then you have to move on to someone who doesn't make you go "ewww".

[Sunshinekitty444]

It doesn't matter whether it's standard or not.

 

In some respects, it does matter because if it's something every guy does, then dumping him won't solve anything because I'll face the same music with the next guy. If it's something somewhat common, but not uniformly occurring with every guy, then perhaps I should move on so that I don't plague my mind and unfairly judge him.

[ThatMan]

I've been described by people that know me as very logical, but when it comes to this experience, it's like the logic ceases to exist. At the same time, my mind is sometimes deluded into believing that the irrational thoughts are based in some sensible reality.

Okay. We're off to a poor start already. Logic has limitations and cannot be used to determine which aesthetics are pleasing, the value of personal tastes, or desires. You cannot use logic to answer many questions of the human experience. So... Try to be cautious and do not allow poor reasoning to be concealed under the guise of logic...

 

Basically, the problem wasn't so much in his actions or statements, but in the fact that my perception of him did not align with what I saw and learned from his texts.

This is a problem. Dating entails learning all about another person. Sometimes we build certain expectations that could not be delivered and the fantasy shatters. I believe that we deserve to find somebody who we love and accept for who they are as a person.

 

 

He also said he didn't sleep with the girl a few days before our first date, though he tried. He described her as a "cock tease."

...

...

From what he's told me and what I've seen of these girls (many of which are not attractive), that appears to be the case. He went for the low hanging fruit because (in his words) he "didn't like putting in any effort."

Now you know some of his values. Are they similar to your own? I think finding a person with common values is important in any relationship. It sounds like he objectifies women.

 

In some respects, it does matter because if it's something every guy does, then dumping him won't solve anything because I'll face the same music with the next guy. If it's something somewhat common, but not uniformly occurring with every guy, then perhaps I should move on so that I don't plague my mind and unfairly judge him.

Look, not all men are into giving rimjobs. There are men out there who you may feel more compatible with. You never should remain with a man who grosses you out because of a sense of obligation. There are go many alternative reasons to remain with a man that are loving, caring, and healthy besides wanting to settle.

 

I think that both of you live with unhealthy expectations of sex. He had risky, unprotected sex with strangers. And risky sex is bad. Get tested for STDs from a nearby clinic immediately. While you on the other hand have your own preconceptions about sex. You've been grossed out by what a person does with their own body. Sex is no different than any other aspect of relationship. Be considerate of yourself and others, possess the willingness to try new things, and stand your ground when uncomfortable. You've mentioned that your own salad was tossed, despite your resistance, and that's not okay.

[Phantom888]

Many people experience retroactive jealousy. I experienced it, and still do from time to time. You have two choices, go to therapy and try to work this out within your head. Or break up with him and find someone with the same experience and outlooks as you do. You cannot overcome this on your own. This is destructive for you and your relationship. If you don't think he is worth it, then move on. Apparently you had him on a pedestal, and then you find new information that tarnishes that image. If you are not okay with his past, that's perfectly fine. Just leave him and start over with someone with a more agreeable past. Please keep in mind that in our society, people start having sex really early, so every one has a "past". You are allowed to judge. No problem there. You just have to try to find someone on the same level as you, with no past that you can't ignore. Best of luck.

[samsungxoxo]

Id date him casually and still look for a real boyfriend.

You're more patient. I wouldn't even waste seconds of my time and college eduation with such guy. I would be happily still single and looking my male counterpart.

[samsungxoxo]

Or the OP can save herself all that trouble and find herself a man that has a similar sexual attitude to her. I don't quite understand all this trying to get pass it, going to counseling, buying books and working it out.

 

If you're not married, then why even go through all that trouble accepting people that had ONS, FWB, casual sex, etc if this is clearly not your comfort zone, sex isn't just sex to you and something not in you??

Edited December 31, 2013 by samsungxoxo