Tonight I will change everything with my WAW

[RedHawk08]

After a 9 month separation, my wife and I had a heated text exchange. It was time for "Love Must Be Tough". I pulled no punches, showed that I wasn't afraid to lose her. I also dropped in every s**t stirring quote her friend told me too.

 

This morning, I awoke in a different mood. I text to say that it's time to TALK. That it was NOT talking properly before we separated that got us in this mess.

 

Texts, and the opinions of others around us aren't healthy for us. We need to clear resentments, speak the truth, forgive and bury it for both our well being.

 

Her response was totally unexpected.

"I completely agree. We'll talk later. Have a nice afternoon!"

 

Tonight there will be an atmosphere of no judgement or anger. A place where we can say absolutely anything. Get to the truth. Just to clear the resentment so that love has a chance to be found.

 

Cheers everyone!

[RedHawk08]

The talk was interesting!

 

Because I could not do the discussion face to face as I wanted, I got the cold, hard, lying version of my wife.

 

I got to the point and told her that I saw the messages on her phone and computer before she left. That I knew about her and her boss from the start.

I told her that I forgave her. Believing that it would take away the guilt that was standing in the way.

 

She was not pleased!

I was subjected to about an hour's worth of Gaslighting.

"What was it exactly you saw?!" etc

And plenty of self justification for walking out of our 6 years together so suddenly.

 

It took half an hour for her to admit that the "just a friend" was now "a crush. But my feelings for you were done by then".

Various time frames were given for when it was she fell out of love. Then it turned into "getting married was a mistake. We didn't know each other well enough"

 

That last one is probably the most hurtful thing she's do to me.

I have realised that it's important not to take these random self justifications personally.

 

I did get the opportunity to call the OM a "rat faced pr**k" though. That made me feel a bit better.

I'm certain that now the light is on the OM, he will scurry away like the cockroach they are.

It helps he's scared of me.

 

So next week sometime she's picking up all the boxes of the wedding things.

Puzzling considering it was supposed to be a mistake.

 

I also Intend to put all the wonderful presents she's given me over the years in another box to return to her.

Maybe the wedding dress and all those very personal gifts will help blast away the Affair Fog.

[UltraTech]

Good man, do not be surprised when she comes running back after the boss decides she isnt his flavour of the month anymore, you must prepare for it.

[RedHawk08]

I'm not so sure she will now, it has been a while.

Although I'm sure that now the cover is blown, the boss will start getting nervous.

Whether it was a ploy to get on her side or not, he did say that "I thought your husband was going to kill me! He looks lile a Hells Angel", when I caught them having an after work drink.

 

Still, the next few weeks should be interesting.

[Oberfeldwebel]

And if she comes back, what will you do?

[RedHawk08]

I do genuinely want to reconcile. People make mistakes.

 

But ONLY if she is genuinely sorry and wants to make this work.

 

She has a problem taking responsibility for wrong doing even with the little things. Always has.

 

This could be a wonderful life lesson for her.

 

Deep down, she is disgusted with herself. She has done what everyone in her family has done at least once.

She always vowed to herself that she would NEVER be like them.

What I'm seeing is some very sad self-justifying by herself and her very jealous friend.

[Miky]

what I am going to say will not sound so nice but you are wasting your time RH, she is not in to you or your marriage, you kept waiting for her for the 9 months and all you get is crumbs from her, Time to let her go

 

Get the Divorce going try to see if you can get it shorter (may be if she will admit adultery) and start a hard 180, start dating and stop trying to get her back, she is gone, someone who really loves you will bang at your door wanting to get back to you and not string you along for so long

 

if you want a chance to get her back you must be prepared to let her go, I know it sounds counter intuitive but as long as you pursue her the smaller the chances she will return to you, you come across weak and spineless and very unattractive to her

 

you must take the control back, Let her go, go hard NC with her, get rid of all her stuff from home, move away from this house and never disclose you address, let her miss you, move on, start dating even just for fun it is a good practice, and make sure that mutual friends and acquaintances can see you with other woman there is nothing that works like a jealous WW

 

lets face it, RH you have been waiting in the shadows hoping she will get that other man from her system living off bread crumbs from her, how weak and pathetic is that ?

 

if you want any chance of that start a hard 180 and detach emotionally from her, show her how indifferent you are to her that is the only chance you may have

 

if she will not return than there was never any chance of it anyways and you got to start fresh

 

Stay Strong

[RedHawk08]

Since that conversation, the door has been closed as far as she's concerned.

She has the impression I'm moving on. I know that I'll probably have to in the end anyway.

 

She has shown signs of jealousy lately. But I have yet to appear to be dating anyone else. Only female friends.

 

I have a couple of dates set up as of today. Whatever happens, happens.

[aliveagain]

You gave this woman the most precious thing you have, your heart, she has shown you the value she places on it, believe her. If this is the best she can show you after a 9 month separation why do you want her back? Separations are a way for wayward spouse's to test drive their O/M-O/W without the guilt of cheating. My experience was I could never see her the same way again, all I saw was her imperfections that love veiled. You will never get back what you lost, are you willing to settle for less considering the years of work that will be required to get past this? Will she be willing to do the work, doesn't sound like it to me.

[imagine]

There is no guaranteed cure. Exposure to the right people helps.

 

Your castigation of the sexually extended OM will not help the cause. Most cheaters learn the language of lies quite quickly. What was she like before the affair.

 

You have accurately identified her emotional location as in affair fog. Someday this may change. You need to be someone that she will look up to. Someone strong, gives no disrespectful judgments, a listener (not a talker) but does not put up with nonsense that will break a marriage. OM is not the problem, she is.

 

You need to be James Bond

[RedHawk08]

There is no guaranteed cure. Exposure to the right people helps.

 

Your castigation of the sexually extended OM will not help the cause. Most cheaters learn the language of lies quite quickly. What was she like before the affair.

 

You have accurately identified her emotional location as in affair fog. Someday this may change. You need to be someone that she will look up to. Someone strong, gives no disrespectful judgments, a listener (not a talker) but does not put up with nonsense that will break a marriage. OM is not the problem, she is.

The Midlife Journey: First Signs of a Female Midlife Crisis (According to the Guys)

You need to be James Bond

 

This is all very true!

 

Somebody sent me this list the other day, initially I laughed at the title, she is only 31...

 

I read it, then I wasn't laughing anymore.

She ticks all of these bar one!

 

She is a 180 version of her old self these last 9 months.

 

Before this, she was all smiles, posititivty, and in love with life. Curvy, pretty and smiling all the time.

 

Now she looks skinny, hard, negative. Reclusive to all but one friend. Not sure of what she wants fron life and rewriting all rewriting our history to the most negative point of view.

 

She was once proud of being married. Of being the first in her family to be faithful and make a marriage work.

Now, everything is different.

Edited January 3, 2014 by RedHawk08

[Canadiangirl78]

Hi redhawk..I just wanted to chime in and say that you sound like a very good man with a great head on his shoulders. I have no doubt that the day will come when reality hits her upside the head and she realizes what she has lost. Too bad for her that you will have already moved on. I admittedly haven't read your whole story, but reading this thread and how you are able to label your feelings and see the situation for what it is, well it's quite refreshing!! When you do move on, she will be one lucky lady!!!

[RedHawk08]

Hi redhawk..I just wanted to chime in and say that you sound like a very good man with a great head on his shoulders. I have no doubt that the day will come when reality hits her upside the head and she realizes what she has lost. Too bad for her that you will have already moved on. I admittedly haven't read your whole story, but reading this thread and how you are able to label your feelings and see the situation for what it is, well it's quite refreshing!! When you do move on, she will be one lucky lady!!!

 

Thank you!

Yeah, I'm proud of turning my life around in the face of my worst nightmare.

I was never a bad guy, I was just spreading myself a little thin under a lot of pressures, and I developed depression dor a short while. I started to neglect her a little.

 

I would be lying if I said I didn't have a little hope left. I knew my lady was stubborn, but man!!!

[Canadiangirl78]

Well it does take a hell of a lot of strength in a situation like this to take the experience and learn from it. Many people curl up in a ball, pull the blankets over their head and let it consume them but you sound like you have stepped back and done all the necessary work to properly move on..you should be very proud of that! Handling it this way will only make your next relationship that much better because you have taken the lessons learned from this one to better understand yourself and your feelings.

 

I'm impressed because my ex would never ever look at our relationship and try to take anything away from it. He's not capable of looking at himself and his part in the undoing of our relationship. Hes more the crush beer cans over his head type, not a match for me intellectually at all. So you give me hope that there are men out there that could actually have an intelligent conversation!! Thanks for that!

[RightThere]

This is all very true!

 

Somebody sent me this list the other day, initially I laughed at the title, she is only 31...

 

I read it, then I wasn't laughing anymore.

She ticks all of these bar one!

 

She is a 180 version of her old self these last 9 months.

 

Before this, she was all smiles, posititivty, and in love with life. Curvy, pretty and smiling all the time.

 

Now she looks skinny, hard, negative. Reclusive to all but one friend. Not sure of what she wants fron life and rewriting all rewriting our history to the most negative point of view.

 

She was once proud of being married. Of being the first in her family to be faithful and make a marriage work.

Now, everything is different.

 

Mine was "only" 37 but she was/is textbook as well. This is just my two cents, but I think women who go through this do not seem to snap out of their mid-life crisis as quickly as men do. I'm anticipating her going through this nonsense for years before actually having any kind of "a-ha" moment.

[dumped2013]

This is all very true!

 

Somebody sent me this list the other day, initially I laughed at the title, she is only 31...

 

I read it, then I wasn't laughing anymore.

She ticks all of these bar one!

 

She is a 180 version of her old self these last 9 months.

 

Before this, she was all smiles, posititivty, and in love with life. Curvy, pretty and smiling all the time.

 

Now she looks skinny, hard, negative. Reclusive to all but one friend. Not sure of what she wants fron life and rewriting all rewriting our history to the most negative point of view.

 

She was once proud of being married. Of being the first in her family to be faithful and make a marriage work.

Now, everything is different.

 

I just read through these and my exw was doing 3/4 of this s..t, especially the tit job, working out, and buying new younger clothes. I should have seen it coming.

[RedHawk08]

Well it does take a hell of a lot of strength in a situation like this to take the experience and learn from it. Many people curl up in a ball, pull the blankets over their head and let it consume them but you sound like you have stepped back and done all the necessary work to properly move on..you should be very proud of that! Handling it this way will only make your next relationship that much better because you have taken the lessons learned from this one to better understand yourself and your feelings.

 

I'm impressed because my ex would never ever look at our relationship and try to take anything away from it. He's not capable of looking at himself and his part in the undoing of our relationship. Hes more the crush beer cans over his head type, not a match for me intellectually at all. So you give me hope that there are men out there that could actually have an intelligent conversation!! Thanks for that!

 

Haha, well I admit, I'm pretty good at solving problems for and between people.

Trick is, when it's yourself, it's hard to see the wood for the trees.

Especially when I had to claw my way back from depression and the PTSD symptoms I got the relationship I was in previously (she had chronic bi-polar and borderline), while dealing with all this.

[RedHawk08]

I am beginning to see more of this MLC idea in her now.

The change in her is so radical!

She tells most people how happy she is, but there was one evening where the truth came out.

 

She had a fair few drinks with a mutual friend of ours.

Out came the truth!

Resentful of me not making the changes she wanted until she left. Lonely. Scared of the rough area she moved to. Struggling financially.

 

I don't think the OM worked out. Something of a player.

I hated him on sight before all this happened.

[Miky]

Let her stew RD, don't get tempted to call her, what comes under the influence of alcohol does not mean that if you call her she will rush back to you, I know these thought process and it is wrong, don't be tempted

 

let her go, get a girlfriend you stbx is damage goods

[oldshirt]

 

 

She is a 180 version of her old self these last 9 months.

 

Before this, she was all smiles, posititivty, and in love with life. Curvy, pretty and smiling all the time.

 

Now she looks skinny, hard, negative. Reclusive to all but one friend. Not sure of what she wants fron life and rewriting all rewriting our history to the most negative point of view.

.

 

 

 

Any chance of any drug or alcohol abuse? Any chance of some kind of mental illness?

 

 

What happened 10 months ago?

 

 

People rarely do a negative 180 unless something happened.

[RedHawk08]

Any chance of any drug or alcohol abuse? Any chance of some kind of mental illness?

 

 

What happened 10 months ago?

 

 

People rarely do a negative 180 unless something happened.

 

Long story short, we were both living a less than ideal life. I was in a financial black hole doing my best to pull out of it.

We had bought into a house with my brother as a silent partner. That went sour as he moved in with his girlfriend shortly after. We had no privacy.

I became depressed with all that and the declining health of my grandfather.

In short, I became withdrawn and communication between us suffered badly.

I own up to that!

 

So far as my wife, her relationship with her boss progressed a little further than I should have tolerated. 10 months ago.

I am 99% certain it was an EA at least.

 

No alcohol or drug abuse at all. Her mother does suffer from depression. Although I have yet to see it in her before.