My brother in law is abusive, advice plz

[StillHurtin]

I called my sister 2nite to inform her that schools were closed due to the weather. I didn’t know if she knew so I thought I would be nice and inform her. My bil answered so I told him. He asked me if their dd’s school was closed (different school). I told him I didn’t know but I am was sure if my kid’s school was closed theirs would be but he may want to check the news to make sure. He handed the phone to my sister and yelled “Who does she think we are, f@ckin twits!” She got on the phone and could tell by my tone I was not happy. She said not to take it personal as they were both having a bad day. I heard in him in the background bitching b/c I had called about the school closings. Then he yelled, “Get off the phone so we can watch tv!” I don’t know if he yelled it so I would hear it or he was yelling at my sister. She said she had to go. I said bye and hung up. I started crying b/c of the way he treated me. My sister and I are very close and to have her H treat me like this hurt.

 

He is my sister’s second H. Her first H physically and verbally abused her so she divorced him about 13 years ago. She has been married to her current H for almost 12 years. She says he makes her so happy and she never knew love could be so great, blah, blah, blah.

 

This isn’t the first time he has upset me. He bitches at me if I don’t say anything positive about anything. I can’t say anything negative. He bitched me out for talking about a friend of mine that had to have heart surgery. I can’t talk about bad things around him or he bitches at me to stop. He has hit me (out of fun, never out of anger) and I get tired of it. One time he even gave me a bruise on my arm. I finally had to tell him to stop! He even hit my 11 yo ds on the arm (out of fun again) My ds didn’t tell me about it until we got home. He was upset, said it hurt. When I saw my bil again I told him that ds was upset he hit him. My bil apologized and said he didn’t mean to hurt him, he was just playing.

 

One night him and my sister stopped at my little brothers house to say hello. Their friends W was there and my bil did not know her. When he walked in he said “Who is this b!tch?” Needless to say the gal didn’t like it and when they left her H said “N, you’re a f#cking a**h***!” and slammed the door as he walked out. This is the kind of person he is. He has always been this way. My sister sees nothing wrong w/ his behavior. She says it’s just the way he is and if ppl don’t like it “screw them.” I can’t help to think he verbally abuses her too and she just doesn’t say anything. She says she is happy but how can you be happy when your spouse is like this. She thinks my H is a jerk but my H respects family and other ppl, he wouldn’t treat them like that.

 

I am so tired of my bil’s abuse and my sister knows I don’t like the way he acts but, we (the family) is suppose to accept the way he is. She never stands up for any of us if he is rude or abusive to us. I don’t even feel like going out and seeing my sister anymore b/c of his abuse but my children love playing w/ my nieces. Any advice? Like I said, my sister knows how I feel. And my bil, he doesn’t give a s***. He has already said it’s the way he is and if ppl don’t like it they can “f#ck off.”

[Pocky]

If your sister has no problem with the way her husband behaves then there is little you can do to change that. I think you have a right to expect a certain about of respect and if the B-I-L is unwilling to treat you with respect then you have to decide if you will continue to attend events with him present. You can only be responsible for your behavior so if he bothers you that much I'd stop attending functions when he'll be there.

[Matilda]

And my bil, he doesn’t give a s***. He has already said it’s the way he is and if ppl don’t like it they can “f#ck off.”

 

I think this is your answer.

 

If you don't like his behavior, then don't be around him. Talk to your sister, tell her how much his behavior disturbs and upsets you. Then tell her that you don't feel comfortable being around BIL, nor do you want your children around him. Tell her that you will be happy to visit when BIL is not around, or she can come to your house without BIL.

[Amethyst]

Originally posted by Matilda

If you don't like his behavior, then don't be around him.

 

I agree. If your sister doesn't mind his behavior then why would she try to get him to change it? No, it's up to you to do something about the situation. You can't change his behavior, but you *can* change how often you are around him.

[StillHurtin]

I agree that I can't expect my sister to change him, but she can, or he can for that matter, be more respectful of other ppl's feelings. He even treats my mom w/ disrespect. If he wants to be a jerk, fine, but at least he can be respectful of other ppl's feelings. Asking "who is this b!tch?" about that gal was totally disrespectful. He went into my brother's home and totally disrespected his friends, in HIS house. I don't invite my sister over to my house b/c she smokes, a lot, and I don't smoke in the house, and no one else can either.

 

I guess from now on if she invites us out and he is there and acts like a pr!ck, which he will, I will tell him off. If she can't tell him to be respectful then I will. I don't have to sit there and be treated like s*** from him. If that means our children can no longer play w/ eachother then I guess that is the way it's going to be. He is the one that is to blame, not me, if we stop going out there. I can't tell my sister that if he is going to be there we will not go out there. It is his home, he shouldn't have to leave b/c we are there. But he can be more respectful.

 

And by the way, when he gets drunk, he HITS on me. He tries to grab my breast, rubs his hands up and down my legs ALL in front of my sister! I of course push his hands away and tell him to stop. My sister laughs and says "Would you quit hitting on my sister."

[Amethyst]

Originally posted by StillHurtin

I agree that I can't expect my sister to change him, but she can, or he can for that matter, be more respectful of other ppl's feelings.

 

But, see, that's asking her to change his behavior. That's saying that she should quit being a "jerk", as well, and actually stand up for other people. (Yes, she should; but, as I said, if she sees nothing wrong with the behavior then she's not going to have any reason to take a stand.)

 

I guess from now on if she invites us out and he is there and acts like a pr!ck, which he will, I will tell him off. If she can't tell him to be respectful then I will. I don't have to sit there and be treated like s*** from him.

 

Sorry, but I think that's the wrong approach. His being disrespectful to you is not an excuse for you to be disrespectful. By doing that, you're sinking to *his* level. It will also make your sister mad and probably cause an even bigger rift in your relationship. (I'm assuming that even though she's kind of being a "jerk" about things, you still want to see your sister and be a part of her life.)

 

I can't tell my sister that if he is going to be there we will not go out there. It is his home, he shouldn't have to leave b/c we are there.

 

No one has said he should. But, what's wrong with sis calling you up and saying, "Hey, B-I-L is working today. Do you want to come over, watch a movie, and chat for a few hours?" We aren't saying kick him out of his own house. We're simply saying lay down the ground rules -- if he's there, you aren't.

 

If you want this to stop, take our advice: tell your sister you are through hanging out with him. Tell her she's welcome at your home but he isn't. Tell her you'll come over if he isn't there. Yes, this may cause a rift, as well; but, she's more likely to understand if you aren't shouting and screaming to get your point across.

[StillHurtin]

Amethyst, thank you for reply. What I said about letting him have it came out wrong. What I meant to say is that if he is going to treat me badly then I will tell him that I don't like the way he is talking to me and to, plz stop. He is not a jerk all the time. The only time he starts getting an attitude w/ me is when I say something negative (For example, my friend who had to have heart surgery). No one deserves to get that kind of abuse and they should, and I will, walk away.

 

My bil seems to have some anger issues. And sometimes I feel like he is treating me like a child, rather than an adult. My H and I were seperated but trying to work on our marriage. My sister and bil invited my kids and I to go camping w/ them at the lake for July 4th. My H happened to call me to ask how my holiday was going. After I got off the phone w/ him I called my parent's to wish them a happy holiday. My bil and sister hate cell phones so they don't own one. When I got off the phone w/ H and my parent's he went into the house where my kids and his kids were and started cussing up a storm and slamming cupboards doors. He yelled at me and said we were on vacation and he didn't want me using the cell phone. He said that he was nice and invited us to go camping w/ him and he didn't want me using the cell phone, period. He then grabbed it and hid it from me. The only way I found it was during the night when it started beeping from the battery going low. I thought that was very uncalled for. And I thought it was uncalled for that he was cussing, yelling, and slamming doors in front of my kids.