parlour_pete Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 the facts: - married 8 years now (6 when affair started) & 4 yo child - my W had an full blown affair with her co-worker from Oct 2011 to June 2012 - she got a type cancer May 2012 - she told OM about it first - had sex with OM after that - they ended in Jun 2012 after she was diagnosed with 2nd type of cancer - she bought OM outfits (which she never did to me other than our honeymoon period) - they had tested for stds so they could have unprotected sex - she sent OM sexy pics in an email (never did to me) - they still text & are friends but no sex (i believe that...one cancer surg ****ed some things up) - OM was at our daughters birthday party - they had playdates with their daughters - they had 3 business trips together - they went out with co-workers together - always told me during the week she was working late but was really with OM - she has survived both types of cancer how i found out: - i found out 23rd Dec 2013 because i was suspicious of a gift she received this year. - early in 2011 when i met this co-worker he gave me a weird vibe while shaking my hand that i will never forget - keylogger (i was suspicious after the meeting with this guy) - there were signs all over the place but kept downplaying them (i assumed i was just paranoid but i was 99% right o everything) - just this week, she was talking about having sex with OM in her sleep (she's a massive sleep-talker) - i play hockey with OM's wife & she was so curious about if we talked & if she was there. how she reacted: - she cried & admitted it. she tells me answers to questions i ask. - she wants to stay together - claims she was lonely. her mom had died in 2009. - she's already only 3 days later, saying "we both ****ed up but i ****ed up more" they are no longer co-workers but it bothers me that she is still friends with OM & that she can view him as a friend without feeling guilt or remorse. i admit i might not be the best husband but i am completely faithful & never deserved this. my instinct is to leave. crushed. just feel like venting. completely happy to have found this site. Link to post Share on other sites
Debanked Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 Sorry to hear it bro. Trust your instincts on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 I cant really tell you what to do but it sounds like there is just going to be to much to deal with if you stay. You might be able to get passed this but I don't think I could. Her wanting to stay friends with the OM is her in the fog. The real remorse you are seeing is the fact she got caught. Sounds like your marriage is over with. I am very sorry you are going through this. Clay 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted December 27, 2013 Author Share Posted December 27, 2013 thanks. it ****ing stings. i agree about trusting my instincts. since every one was right about her & him....right down to the creepy handshake he gave me. i really thought i was paranoid. Link to post Share on other sites
Oldspiceywolf Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 I'm sorry buddy that's no Merry Christmas. She's heartless, she implicated your child in her cheating? You have a long road and will get some really good but hard advice to follow, I'd listen to it completely. Reconciliation with spouses who have no remorse like this and shift blame don't seem to work. She doesn't respect you and her disrespect is to the point where she doesn't even feel like you'll leave. She basically just said yeah I did it but it's your fault too...huh?!?!?!? Did she attempt marriage or individual counseling or did she just decide an affair was what she needed to work out her relationship problems in her marriage and how she feels inside. You will be better off sooner(emotionally) if you leave now. She can try to win you back later when you've processed everything and she's proven her remorse. Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 So the OM wife knows about the A, right? Just want to make sure as she needs to know. I feel for you especially for your 4yr old. I have a 4yr old too. I would at a minimum separate for at least 6 months. D can always wait. If you don't see drastic changes including real remorse and non of that it is your fault you pushed me to it bs. I would file for D. Why? Because you know she is capable of cheating and she will do it again. Especially if she does not see how the A is entirely her fault. Issues in your marriage are shared faults, bit not the A. Be clear and certain of that! Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted December 27, 2013 Author Share Posted December 27, 2013 i already hated christmas as it was before. now.....well ****. she went to individual counseling when the affair was already 4-5 months old. i believe it was just to deal with the guilt. but it didn't stop the affair. cancer did. and in my mind, all cancer did was stop the sex...she was still 'with' him. then the she went to a difft office but were never as close. they were still close enough that he bought my child a gift this xmas & she lied saying it was from her female friend. she wanted her to record & send the OM, the video of our child opening this gift. Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted December 27, 2013 Author Share Posted December 27, 2013 So the OM wife knows about the A, right? yes, the OM left the OM wife during the A. I play hockey with OM wife & my W was so ****ing weird when i got home...asking if the OM W was there & did we talk & if so about what. it was that weirdness that made me question her faithfulness even more. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 If she truly wants to repair this marriage, she has to: a) be COMPLETELY honest and transparent on everything, b) agree unconditionally to couples counselling (more of this in a moment) and, c) cut off ALL AND EVERY contact with OM. Period. No argument, condition, exception. If it's over, it's over, and he's history. Counselling: Counselling is not necesarily a tool designed to keep people together. It's a tool used to give you both a safe pklace to vent, discuss, air thoughts, communicate effectively and to talk frankly without fear of anger and hastiness getting in the way. An appropriate counsellor will guide, steer, suggest and offer aspects to ponder, but they should never give advice or opinion on what they believe you should do within this relationship. That's down to you two. And while it's safe to say she must carry a complete 100% of the BLAME for having had this affair, the RESPONSIBILITY for the state of your relationship is shared equally between you two. I'm not saying what you did or didn't do, was wrong; but there was something she got from this affair that she could not be nourished by, in your marriage. Either she didn't find it, or you were unable, for whatever reason, to offer it. So the 'blame game' only goes so far - and that's pretty far, I know that. But at one point, you just have to lay that part aside for an instant, step up to the plate, and admit what you own. She has to own her blame, and she has to own neglect. You both have to shoulder part of the load. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 When I confronted my wife, she turned into a crying snot-blowing mess. I was ready to walk away and she knew it. I told her if she wanted other man, she should go with him, I am nobody's second choice. I also told her what I NEEDED if I was going to choose to TRY to stay in the marriage. One thing I needed was no more contact with other man, I mean ZERO, now and forever, and if she couldn't do it, I was absolutely fine with it, she could contact him all she wanted, but I had no intention of staying married if she did. She is no prize. She is lucky to have a guy like you who is willing to put up with her cheating. From the little you describe, I am sure that you both started to take each other for granted, maybe focused more on the kid than each other, but YOU didn't decide to cheat, she DID. It is NOT all on your shoulders to make this marriage work. She's got to make you feel you can trust her again. THAT is her JOB ONE. By staying in contact with other man, does that help you to feel you can trust her again? If she loves you so much, why is this friendship with other man that hurts you so much more important than how YOU feel? Is it because she is SELFISH? You have to THINK about these things and you have to decide what you can and cannot tolerate. I don't know about you, but if I had to sit down at my kids' birthday parties with other man, if my wife thought that was somehow acceptable, I would rather not be married to her. She can choose to be friends with anyone she wants to. She already chose to cheat on you. There is NOTHING you can do to stop her. But you also can choose not to be married to her, and there is nothing she can do to stop you. She has to help you get over this. Cheaters are liars. When it comes to other man, pay attention to your wife's actions, not her words. If the words and actions match up, great. If not, pay attention to the actions. If she is telling you things that don't make sense, you know she's lying. When she tells you the truth, it all will make sense. Does it make sense that she loves you so much but still wants to stay friends with other man, knowing how much it hurts you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted December 27, 2013 Author Share Posted December 27, 2013 i am the first to admit i was not a great husband. we had even talked about going to counseling prior to the A. in my mind there are a million instances where should could have stopped & come to me to try to fix whatever was broken. but she didn't. but maybe that's just my anger right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 i already hated christmas as it was before. now.....well ****. she went to individual counseling when the affair was already 4-5 months old. i believe it was just to deal with the guilt. but it didn't stop the affair. cancer did. and in my mind, all cancer did was stop the sex...she was still 'with' him. then the she went to a difft office but were never as close. they were still close enough that he bought my child a gift this xmas & she lied saying it was from her female friend. she wanted her to record & send the OM, the video of our child opening this gift. OK, the affair still is going on. The sex will resume in due time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Oldspiceywolf Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 they were still close enough that he bought my child a gift this xmas & she lied saying it was from her female friend. she wanted her to record & send the OM, the video of our child opening this gift. She loves him, her heart is with him. This is disgusting! Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted December 27, 2013 Author Share Posted December 27, 2013 Does it make sense that she loves you so much but still wants to stay friends with other man, knowing how much it hurts you? thanks Mickey. she told me she won't be friends with him if I don't want to. but why do i have to decide that? Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 There's a good possibility that she's just with you now because other man is not ready or willing to be with her. She may just be biding her time and hoping. Staying in touch with other man after all this is ludicrous. The reason she did all those "honeymoon" type things with the other man is because she fell out of love with you and "in love" with him. Tell her if she wants other man so much, you will help her pack and bring her over to him. All of this stuff about working on the marriage and fixing what YOU contributed to the marriage problems is all well and good, but it comes AFTER the affair is over and she ends all contact with other man. THE AFFAIR IS NOT OVER. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted December 27, 2013 Author Share Posted December 27, 2013 OK, the affair still is going on. The sex will resume in due time. the video/present thing is what made me see RED. i already knew she was lying about where the present came from but the video thing...i accused her of the affair about 30 mins later. and then boom... DDay Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 You have to decide that, because you have to decide where your boundaries are, and what is - and is NOT - acceptable to you. She broke the rules, and blurred the boundaries. She now needs to know where you have put the limits, and if one of the limits is absolute zero contact with him, then that's what you must tell her. She KNOWS what she really should do. But she needs you to show strength and tell her. Lay the law down. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted December 27, 2013 Author Share Posted December 27, 2013 You have to decide that, because you have to decide where your boundaries are, and what is - and is NOT - acceptable to you. She broke the rules, and blurred the boundaries. She now needs to know where you have put the limits, and if one of the limits is absolute zero contact with him, then that's what you must tell her. She KNOWS what she really should do. But she needs you to show strength and tell her. Lay the law down. understood. Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 thanks Mickey. she told me she won't be friends with him if I don't want to. but why do i have to decide that? Because you want to stay married to her and divorce will affect you and your child. She is "in love" with him now, which you could interpret as "infatuation." Her affair with other man had none of the difficulties of your marriage, no fights over finances, no fights over how to discipline the kid, no staying up late with the kid, none of the logistics of daycare, babysitting, etc. - with other man it was all sex and I love you, yet she was not able to see it for that. When you are married for more than three years, the "infatuation" stage is over. Apparently, your wife is not aware enough or mature enough or experienced enough to recognize that. Anyway, why YOU have to decide is because SHE ASKED YOU TO DECIDE. This is called COMMUNICATION. When she asks you what you want, TELL HER WHAT YOU WANT. I get it that you want her to do the right thing without being told, and eventually she will, but right now it is beyond her to be able to do so. Almost every cheater does what your wife is doing. I have seen it so much, that I have to believe it is human nature. In the initial stages, you have to guide her as to what will make you feel better. If she is willing to do the things that make you feel better, to re-establish trust, your marriage has a chance. If not, better to find out now and move on. She will get over other man, but not if she still is in contact with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted December 27, 2013 Author Share Posted December 27, 2013 Anyway, why YOU have to decide is because SHE ASKED YOU TO DECIDE. This is called COMMUNICATION. When she asks you what you want, TELL HER WHAT YOU WANT. I get it that you want her to do the right thing without being told, and eventually she will, but right now it is beyond her to be able to do so. Almost every cheater does what your wife is doing. I have seen it so much, that I have to believe it is human nature. In the initial stages, you have to guide her as to what will make you feel better. If she is willing to do the things that make you feel better, to re-establish trust, your marriage has a chance. If not, better to find out now and move on. She will get over other man, but not if she still is in contact with him. great post. i will tell her exactly that tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 ....And I still recommend you insist on counselling. But, like trying shoes, trousers or finding the perfect jacket, the first one may not 'fit'. Keep going until you're comfortable with whom you are booking sessions with..... Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 What I find disturbing is her insistence to remain friends with the OM. The OM is NOT a friend to your marriage. Her insistence to remain friends with him shows me that she isn't ready to lose the OM completely. She wants him in her life regardless of your feelings on the matter. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 thanks Mickey. she told me she won't be friends with him if I don't want to. but why do i have to decide that? That's a deal breaker. MOM (Married other man) HAS to disappear and not be in her life at all. Your wife MUST get into one on one counselling and fix herself. She is broken inside. Whatever problems in the marriage, you both are at fault but the cheating and having a long affair IS ALL ON HER, not you, so do NOT let her put the blame on you for HER choices. She has to own all that. Don't feel you immediately have to decide to stay or divorce/separate. Time will tell if she truly is genuine and apologetic and is worthy of a second chance to regain your trust and faith again. She turned your world upside down and crushed all the faith and trust you once had in her. Sorry that you're going through this. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 great post. i will tell her exactly that tonight. She has no choice in that. If she wants him in her life, she can move out and you two can divorce. There's NO compromise on this. That man is a CANCER to your marriage and they have to go no contact immediately. You and your kids all should do family counseling, their worlds were shattered as well and to know that their mom cheated on you, betrayed the family unit as one is not easy to cope and deal with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted December 27, 2013 Author Share Posted December 27, 2013 What I find disturbing is her insistence to remain friends with the OM. The OM is NOT a friend to your marriage. Her insistence to remain friends with him shows me that she isn't ready to lose the OM completely. She wants him in her life regardless of your feelings on the matter. i told her that in our recent blow-up....that can't you see that he is undermining me & our marriage in subtle ways. trying to one-up me....in one of the recent emails he referred to my gift for her as a "pretend gift" while his was genuine. he wants to be with her. that is clear. she admitted this. whether or not i stay. he's gone. sold. how do i know though? when i've heard a thousand lies from her mouth. Link to post Share on other sites
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