TaraMaiden Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 i told her that in our recent blow-up....that can't you see that he is undermining me & our marriage in subtle ways. trying to one-up me....in one of the recent emails he referred to my gift for her as a "pretend gift" while his was genuine. he wants to be with her. that is clear. she admitted this. whether or not i stay. he's gone. sold. how do i know though? when i've heard a thousand lies from her mouth. This is why you require total transparency. A new phone number, and new email address to which he has no access, and has no knowledge of. Access to all her emails, text messages, and all excursions have to be either with you, or she doesn't go out alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 (edited) i told her that in our recent blow-up....that can't you see that he is undermining me & our marriage in subtle ways. trying to one-up me....in one of the recent emails he referred to my gift for her as a "pretend gift" while his was genuine. he wants to be with her. that is clear. she admitted this. whether or not i stay. he's gone. sold. how do i know though? when i've heard a thousand lies from her mouth. Total transparency is good, but don't make her feel like you are her father or her warden. IT IS UP TO HER. Tell her no more deleting messages, she blocks him on facebook and email and phone, you have all passwords - and you will do the same, give her access to all your stuff. Now that you know she was cheating, you will be much more aware of what is going on. If she continues to try to talk to him, you will find out, she won't be able to hide it from you for long. SHE HAS TO WANT TO STOP. If she does not want to stop, do you really want her? The transparency is NOT to prevent her from talking to him, the transparency is there so you don't waste any more time than you have to if she is still lying to you, you should tell her she is free to talk to him whenever she wants, that you don't want to be her father and you don't want her to be a prisoner - but she has to understand, you have no interest in staying married to her if she does stay in touch with him. Tell her you are no fool, you can see she was in love with him and still is, and if that is what she wants, she should go. But if she does want to stay, she has to commit herself 100% to YOU and the marriage. And if she does that, you will commit yourself 100% to HER and the marriage, you will work on whatever flaws you had and improve yourself, too. But there has to be no contact and the affair has to end first. Edited December 27, 2013 by Mickey_Fitzpatrick Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 Tell her what your boundaries are, tell her what it will take to stay married to her. Let her know that you will not share her with O/M but if she wants to continue to date him she is free to do so but not as your wife. She needs to know you will not remain in a marriage with infidelity, that choice is not hers. Any presents from O/M should be trashed or given to charity, they have no place in your home. Your child should not be dragged into her infidelity, there should be no contact with O/M even if it means you taking out a restraining order on him to keep him away. Talk to a lawyer, find out your rights and what you can do to protect your child. Your wife brought this predator into your life, she has to get rid of him. You together defeated one cancer, you can do it again by getting rid of this cancer. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 Sorry but she has played you for a fool and continues to play you for a fool. If the roles were reversed I seriously doubt she would have been so forgiving and accepting as you have been. How much humiliation and disrespect are you willing to continue to endure? Again she has played you for a complete fool and if you stay with her then she will be correct. She has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 (edited) Great advice here. You did need to force the break with OM. She can't possibly get out of the "fog" or though counseling without time and distance from OM. It can take a long while to gain perspective on OM....my wife took 3 years without contact from OM to see him differently then she did during her affair Yes - you need to tell her to be transparent, but I will disagree with one other poster....for now you DO need to be her warden - or spy - for a while. While she is showing an being "open" with her computer or phone stuff, I would make sure you put in a few other hidden unknown monitoring methods in place to check on her - that is if this marriage is worth saving to you. You don't say how you were not a good husband, but perhaps you need IC and some reflection to make sure your not being too hard on yourself. No one is a perfect spouse, but you can always be better for your own sake. Also you keep mentioning cancer, not HPV caused cervical cancer right? Cancer has amazing profound affects on people, and there esteem and needs with others. Back to staying - what do you need, or why would you stay in the marriage. Whats in it for you? Make a list, think of your needs and reasons. Edited December 27, 2013 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 Why do women always cry after they got caught cheating? Are they remorseful, fake tears, or just sorry they got caught? Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 Why do women always cry after they got caught cheating? Are they remorseful, fake tears, or just sorry they got caught? Could be remorse - or could be loss. But the tricky question is what loss are they crying over? Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 I knew one girl who cried when she got caught cheating just so her bf could forgive her, she cheated again afterwards. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 Why would someone want to stay with a person who is clearly in love with someone else? I wouldn't want to police someone just to keep them. If they were truly sorry for what they did they would do everything possible to make it right. Bringing gifts for our child into the house that were sent by the OM and then having the nerve to tape her response (for the OM's pleasure) is unforgivable for me. These aren't the actions of someone who is truly remorseful. One of us would be gone for good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted December 27, 2013 Author Share Posted December 27, 2013 Any presents from O/M should be trashed or given to charity, they have no place in your home. that was done. i stopped it from ever getting to my child. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted December 27, 2013 Author Share Posted December 27, 2013 Great advice here. Also you keep mentioning cancer, not HPV caused cervical cancer right? Cancer has amazing profound affects on people, and there esteem and needs with others. breast cancer first. then cervical cancer. never questioned the HPV thing with her though i had read it. i know she says they did STD testing but **** everything was lie anyway. i'm getting tested next week. Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted December 27, 2013 Author Share Posted December 27, 2013 Why would someone want to stay with a person who is clearly in love with someone else? I wouldn't want to police someone just to keep them. If they were truly sorry for what they did they would do everything possible to make it right. Bringing gifts for our child into the house that were sent by the OM and then having the nerve to tape her response (for the OM's pleasure) is unforgivable for me. These aren't the actions of someone who is truly remorseful. One of us would be gone for good. i don't want to be with her anymore. i told her on DDay i am leaving. i just got to figure out how without messing my child up. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 Leave. No question about it. When she said " we BOTH blanked up" it was over. Did you see how she is already starting to place blame for infidelity on the betrayed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted December 27, 2013 Author Share Posted December 27, 2013 thanks for all the great posts folks. i feel you are right & they are back in an EA & that sex will come. I also have a hunch they went out to lunch the afternoon before that night of DDay. I will confront her about it tonight & I will also demand she give me her phone so I can see their texts. Right now she is saying she will do anything to get me back & if she means it she shows me her phone. It doesn't mean she gets me back, but I need to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 thanks for all the great posts folks. i feel you are right & they are back in an EA & that sex will come. I also have a hunch they went out to lunch the afternoon before that night of DDay. I will confront her about it tonight & I will also demand she give me her phone so I can see their texts. Right now she is saying she will do anything to get me back & if she means it she shows me her phone. It doesn't mean she gets me back, but I need to know. Have some testicles and tell her there is no getting back together. You a re teaching your child that its okay to cheat in your marriage If you stay. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 Well do it calmly. Don't fight in front of your child. Try to have all your stuff packed and moved without having the child around. Try to work out visitation as soon as possible. This is going to be hard but do your best. Spend as much time with your child. I am sorry you are going through this. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted December 27, 2013 Author Share Posted December 27, 2013 Have some testicles and tell her there is no getting back together. there isnt. she has the nerve to say i'm leaving the family. f u. Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted December 27, 2013 Author Share Posted December 27, 2013 Well do it calmly. Don't fight in front of your child. Try to have all your stuff packed and moved without having the child around. Try to work out visitation as soon as possible. This is going to be hard but do your best. Spend as much time with your child. I am sorry you are going through this. Clay thanks. we have a big house. i have the lower level she has the top right now. this will have to do until i get an apartment. i have no where to go really. Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted December 27, 2013 Author Share Posted December 27, 2013 to any other guys out there who suspect. trust your instincts. mine was correct 99% of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 I would agree with instinct but how you deal with the problem I think is the most important. Most people seem to just want to fix things and later regret that. I include my self in that. I found over time its best to just stand up for what you believe and if they do it walk away. If you don't demand respect then you will never get it. Clay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 (edited) I am confused. Did you just end the marriage? or are you still trying to see if she will do what you need so it can be saved? by the way I don't think there is a reliable test for HPV in men. Edited December 27, 2013 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted December 27, 2013 Author Share Posted December 27, 2013 I am confused. Did you just end the marriage? or are you still trying to see if she will do what you need so it can be saved? by the way I don't think there is a reliable test for HPV in men. i told her i'm leaving. we are in the same house but she's begging & pleading....and now shifting blame. i just want to know the extent of the recent communication with this guy because she told me that the affair was over but the recent comings & going suggest otherwise. it doesn't matter if only for my own sanity. i will just use the "i will do anything to get you back" so that i get full disclosure on anything that is bothering me. including reading the post-DDay texts. and i want him out until we divorce. for if some unbelievable reason, I have a change of heart..i do not want this OM around. Link to post Share on other sites
Lokahi117 Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 Wow Pete. It's so heard to know this happened to you. I'm with others, leave her ass and let him have her. You can find someone who is faithful and without the myriad of health issues to make your life harder. He will tire of her and she will see in time that a man whom stands by his wife through these trials is a real man, and that she traded him in for a disposable used condom. Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 i told her i'm leaving. we are in the same house but she's begging & pleading....and now shifting blame. i just want to know the extent of the recent communication with this guy because she told me that the affair was over but the recent comings & going suggest otherwise. it doesn't matter if only for my own sanity. i will just use the "i will do anything to get you back" so that i get full disclosure on anything that is bothering me. including reading the post-DDay texts. and i want him out until we divorce. for if some unbelievable reason, I have a change of heart..i do not want this OM around. Why is she blaming you? Leave her for your own good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted December 27, 2013 Author Share Posted December 27, 2013 Why is she blaming you? after her mom's death..in 2009, she felt that i didn't care enough or help her with her grieving. i've never dealt with a grieving spouse & i became detached almost like a deer in the headlight. seeing her cry all the time, i did my best to help her but my defense mechanism is to turn my emotions off. she felt lonely & she felt she couldn't communicate with me or felt that i didn't want to. that's basically her whole reason, that she felt lonely & that this OM gave her affection that I couldn't. Link to post Share on other sites
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