Author parlour_pete Posted December 28, 2013 Author Share Posted December 28, 2013 A couple of other things you posted earlier I found disturbing. She says affair ended a year and a half ago and everything is on the up and up now, they are just friends, nothing inappropriate is going on - but she still is hiding contact under a female's name, lying about who gave the gift, trying to secretly send him a video. If he now is ONLY a friend and you will supposedly never find out because it's all in the past and they have nothing to hide anymore, then why not just be out in the open about their friendship now? The answer is because they still do have inappropriate communications, they still do have things to hide from you. When you posted about the gift from the and the video, I knew you would have an uphill battle. She is saying she will do anything you need, but her actions have to match her words. about this gift, she says he bought for her & surprised her with. it was a stuffed animal my daughter was looking for. she brought it home & said "her female friend" had bought for our daughter. i knew something was off then. i used the keylogger & found the email from the OM & her. same one as "pretend" gift one. either way OM knew that my W was looking for this gift from other communications. he spent $ 85 on a stuffed animal no less. she say sthe reason she hid her recent communications with me, was in June 2012 after it supposedly ended she came to me & said that "you need to know that the coworker (OM) has feelings for me & might say something to you about it, i don't have feelings for him" she called even him a stalker. then 2 weeks later she has a play date with him at a pool with our daughters said it was coincidence he was at the pool. i got mad & said why the F are you hanging around someone you just called a stalker. she says she knew that if i knew they were texting again, i would be mad (i would have). so she hid it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted December 28, 2013 Author Share Posted December 28, 2013 have you informed OM's wife? she deserves to know. OM's wife knows & OM left her (i assume so that he had a clear path to my W). my W was worried about the OM's wife telling me since we play on a hockey team together. everytime i came home..."so did you & XXX talk?" Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted December 28, 2013 Share Posted December 28, 2013 So OP are you going to leave her? You really should after all that has happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted December 28, 2013 Share Posted December 28, 2013 Pete, I am pro-marriage and in general I think couples should try to work it out where kids are involved. But that is when the cheater truly wants to work it out and re-commits to the marriage. In your case, your wife has not shown that she wants to re-commit yet. It's not OK to lie just because you will get mad. Affair-related or otherwise. "I knew my spouse would get mad so I lied about it" = never OK. Anyway, I'm not buying her story at all. Did she show you her messages, her emails, and were you able to see if she's been deleting OM's messages by comparison to the phone bill? Has she agreed to cease all communications with other man and let you do what you feel you need to feel secure that she is not still cheating on you, like have her passwords and access to her accounts, and stop deleting messages? Pete, you can post that you are looking for divorce all you want, but you don't need this forum for divorce. Divorce is easy. Just go see a lawyer and follow the lawyer's advice. My experience is that people who post here are looking to reconcile, no matter if they say otherwise. Where do you and your wife stand now? Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted December 28, 2013 Share Posted December 28, 2013 (edited) after her mom's death..in 2009, she felt that i didn't care enough or help her with her grieving. i've never dealt with a grieving spouse & i became detached almost like a deer in the headlight. seeing her cry all the time, i did my best to help her but my defense mechanism is to turn my emotions off. she felt lonely & she felt she couldn't communicate with me or felt that i didn't want to. that's basically her whole reason, that she felt lonely & that this OM gave her affection that I couldn't. There was obviously a lack or at least poor communication going on at the death of the MIL, but I think Pete may be claiming more responsibility than he should. He stated she FELT he did not care. He didn't say he didn't care, only that he was ill prepared to help her. Unless Pete is a grief counselor, than I think we have to give him a little leeway. Could he have done more? Certainly, but he his action were not based on being callous or selfishness, merely unknowable in this area. Instead she turned to someone else, who knew exactly what to say. How did he know? Because she told him. She was grieving and put the blame for all of this on her husband and that he was cold and hard-hearted. All he had to do was the opposite of what husband was perceived as not doing. This guy is a manipulative POS that saw an opportunity and took it, she was foolish and living in a fantasy. Naturally, she should have been in grief counseling and telling her needs to her husband. Was he perfect? No, but lets not loose focus here folks. Pete you need to consult with an attorney and protect your legal and financial interests. You need to figure out a way to move forward, but that doesn't have to be divorce, you still have time in your favor. This needs to be exposed to close friends and family, so they know how to help and break through her fog. She needs to be completely transparent with all media and software, access and passwords. Have her write a no contact letter to OM, both of you review and you mail the letter. This won't stop him, because he does not respect you or your marriage. He really doesn't care what she says either, he is selfish and wants what he wants, all others be damned. You need to have a face to face with her, that she needs to put her big girl pants on and decide what she wants to do. In the mean time you should consider exercise to help relieve the stress and make a healthier you. Plan things with just you and daughter to reassure her that you love her and things will be ok, regardless if wife stays or goes. Edited December 28, 2013 by Oberfeldwebel Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted December 28, 2013 Author Share Posted December 28, 2013 Anyway, I'm not buying her story at all. Did she show you her messages, her emails, and were you able to see if she's been deleting OM's messages by comparison to the phone bill? Has she agreed to cease all communications with other man and let you do what you feel you need to feel secure that she is not still cheating on you, like have her passwords and access to her accounts, and stop deleting messages? well, i can safely say i know what i need to know. i demanded to see her phone she said no. i said show me the texts. she said there are none & showed me her iphone texts. i said show me the other whatsapp....she panicked & said no. then she said but if you read those they were written never to be read by you. i said i know. she said no again & then turned around & deleted the texts. i almost feel better now knowing that it is over & she doesn't want to reconcile. that the guilt of me having to make a choice to save the marriage & family is on her. and she proved it to me. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted December 28, 2013 Share Posted December 28, 2013 You now have all the information you need to make a decision. By deleting the texts she was protecting O/M and herself, that's the same as choosing O/M over you. Talk to a lawyer on Monday, start the paperwork, you can still stop divorce anytime up to the final decree, she might still pull her head out of her ass before then. If you want to get a real reaction from her, pick up some moving boxes and bring them home, see what she does. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted December 28, 2013 Share Posted December 28, 2013 well, i can safely say i know what i need to know. i demanded to see her phone she said no. i said show me the texts. she said there are none & showed me her iphone texts. i said show me the other whatsapp....she panicked & said no. then she said but if you read those they were written never to be read by you. i said i know. she said no again & then turned around & deleted the texts. i almost feel better now knowing that it is over & she doesn't want to reconcile. that the guilt of me having to make a choice to save the marriage & family is on her. and she proved it to me. Now you know she doesn't intend to be honest. She doesn't intend to make you the priority. Get the child paternity tested...it may be his child. Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted December 28, 2013 Author Share Posted December 28, 2013 i have to admit there is this wave of calmness over me now, the anxiety & butterflies ,at least for now, are gone. it was eating me up that she made a terrible decision by having the affair but i was being forced to make the choice to save the family/marriage. i now see the choice has been by her. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted December 28, 2013 Share Posted December 28, 2013 i have to admit there is this wave of calmness over me now, the anxiety & butterflies ,at least for now, are gone. it was eating me up that she made a terrible decision by having the affair but i was being forced to make the choice to save the family/marriage. i now see the choice has been by her. The child may not be yours. What's your plan of action? Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted December 28, 2013 Share Posted December 28, 2013 thanks for all the great posts folks. i feel you are right & they are back in an EA & that sex will come. I also have a hunch they went out to lunch the afternoon before that night of DDay. I will confront her about it tonight & I will also demand she give me her phone so I can see their texts. Right now she is saying she will do anything to get me back & if she means it she shows me her phone. It doesn't mean she gets me back, but I need to know. Pete, what happened to this, just yesterday she was begging and willing to do anything to keep you, today she's deleting texts, what changed? Or maybe you can't believe what your being told. Six years ago they both went and had STD tests done so they could have unprotected sex together. Why would you both agree to do that and than never have sex? That was in your second year of marriage. Marriages with infidelity early on have a poor chance of survival, the stat's are against them. Someone brought up paternity, your daughter is 4 years old and their affair started two years before she was born, it happened to me. My son was proven to be O/M's, it's the absolute worst feeling in the world. There are reliable drugstore paternity kit's available, no one else needs to know, that's your call. The video thing bothers me, same thing happened to me but I didn't know it was his baby at the time. She was sending him video's of his child, she even drove 3.5 hours with the baby and the nanny to show him his child, she told me she was visiting an old dying high school friend. Why does a man buy someone else's baby a gift if he's not friends with both of you? Her girlfriend is in on it. Could it be that she is keeping in touch with O/M because she has a bigger darker secret she's keeping from you? I hope I am wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 28, 2013 Share Posted December 28, 2013 i have to admit there is this wave of calmness over me now, the anxiety & butterflies ,at least for now, are gone. it was eating me up that she made a terrible decision by having the affair but i was being forced to make the choice to save the family/marriage. i now see the choice has been by her. No, it's still your choice. If I were you I'd help her to the other side of the front door, then shut it! Link to post Share on other sites
thummper Posted December 28, 2013 Share Posted December 28, 2013 Pete, I'm so sorry you're having to go through with this. Sometimes life just sucks. You, my friend, deserve someone so much better. She just doesn't realize what she's given up. Someday, it'll hit her like a ton of bricks, but, uh oh, too late! Link to post Share on other sites
Allumere Posted December 28, 2013 Share Posted December 28, 2013 Pete, I have no comments or advise beyond what others have expressed. Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted December 28, 2013 Share Posted December 28, 2013 i already hated christmas as it was before. now.....well ****. she went to individual counseling when the affair was already 4-5 months old. i believe it was just to deal with the guilt. but it didn't stop the affair. cancer did. and in my mind, all cancer did was stop the sex...she was still 'with' him. then the she went to a difft office but were never as close. they were still close enough that he bought my child a gift this xmas & she lied saying it was from her female friend. she wanted her to record & send the OM, the video of our child opening this gift. This is what really bothers me. This is what my ex did, sent O/M pictures of our child, she did this before I knew he wasn't mine, why is O/M interested in your daughter? Why does he buy her a Christmas gift and than your wife lie's about who gave it to her? Why would she have her girlfriend who is in on it take a video of the two of them opening his gift? Something stinks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2013 Share Posted December 28, 2013 Not sure if you've decided yet, many others have suggested, myself too, that you NOT leave the house. She should be the one to move out since she is the one having the A and not wanting to fix things or admit all her faults, own her part in this. Why should you move out of the martial home? Uproot the kids? You stay, she goes. She can can have shared custody as long as the OM is NOWHERE near your kids. Go to court if need be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thummper Posted December 28, 2013 Share Posted December 28, 2013 Pete, does your WW realize that by not showing you the texts, THAT was the deal breaker? Does she act like she cares that she's just blown her marriage out of the water?? Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted December 29, 2013 Share Posted December 29, 2013 I'm sorry it turned out that way Pete. She told you she would do anything to save the marriage, then when you asked to see the texts, she told you no. Pete, it was impossible for her to be so in love with the other man on Dec. 23 with the video shenanigans, and then be all devoted to you a few days later. It was a story that made no sense - in other words, a lie. What was going on was that your wife still was in contact with other man, probably right up to an hour or so before you asked for her phone. Still telling each other how much they loved each other. Maybe they even were finding a way to hook up for sex still. Deleting the texts is like admitting the worst. Why wouldn't she just leave you for him, if he were single and available? Common reasons are: 1. Her reputation, not wanting to be known to family and friends as a cheater. 2. Money. 3. Other man not being ready to take her on full-time and giving her excuses as to why they can't move in together. 4. She doesn't want to be with him, just have him in addition to you. 5. She doesn't think you will leave her, even if she cheats, even if she deletes texts, etc. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted December 29, 2013 Share Posted December 29, 2013 I have a frightening suspicion that your daughter could not biologically be yours. What your wife is doing is way too bizarre with regards to your child.It appears that she is keeping your daughter in contact with him. Play dates and photos of presents opening. This is not something normally done. Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted December 29, 2013 Share Posted December 29, 2013 I have a frightening suspicion that your daughter could not biologically be yours. What your wife is doing is way too bizarre with regards to your child.It appears that she is keeping your daughter in contact with him. Play dates and photos of presents opening. This is not something normally done. I agree, this is not typical affair behavior. In my opinion, most other men don't care to meet up with the kids of their affair partners. This type of behavior does occur, but in situations where the two are planning to be together soon. So, that may be your wife, from what you described, other man wanted more and your wife was putting him off. At least from what you were able to see, of course, the most recent texts she refused to show you and deleted might have been her planning to leave you for other man some time in the not-too-distant future. You can get a paternity test done, you don't have to tell your wife, then you can do what you want with the info. Chances are she's your child. If she's not, you can still keep that info to yourself and continue to raise her as your own. Or you may prefer not to know. This is a tough situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted December 29, 2013 Author Share Posted December 29, 2013 thanks everyone. i feel better by the hour. i believe my daughter is my daughter. my daughter was born in 2009...the affair started in oct 2011 just after she started this new job in sept 2011. i do believe she had never met this guy prior to it. & i've seen his kids they look just like him. my daughter looks like a spitting image of me when i was younger. as of today, she seemed to realize that her outburst did nothing to help her cause. she claims she didn't delete the texts but that's a lie. i told her that we could restore them if she wanted (i looked up how) & she again froze. she hated how my mood changed after our conversation. i felt relief & my mood reflected that. "how can you be so happy today?" i told her no contact until the D & she gave me a wishy-washy answer. during her outburst over deleting the texts she told me that "i will never get anyone better than her"...i flat out belly-laughed like i hadn't in days. she's a liar & a cheater. i deserve better. i told myself that i am looking forward & not back. & that me & my daughter are priority one. the anxiety seems to have slowed & think i can actually sleep tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted December 29, 2013 Author Share Posted December 29, 2013 Pete, what happened to this, just yesterday she was begging and willing to do anything to keep you, today she's deleting texts, what changed? exactly my point to her.... i told her that.... one day before she told me she would do anything for me. the first thing i ask (to see the texts) & she says no. she's still lying & i don't think she will ever stop. Link to post Share on other sites
MrMeh Posted December 29, 2013 Share Posted December 29, 2013 Excellent Pete. Stay composed and timid. You can obviously do better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted December 29, 2013 Author Share Posted December 29, 2013 What was going on was that your wife still was in contact with other man, probably right up to an hour or so before you asked for her phone. Still telling each other how much they loved each other. Maybe they even were finding a way to hook up for sex still. Deleting the texts is like admitting the worst. Why wouldn't she just leave you for him, if he were single and available? Common reasons are: 1. Her reputation, not wanting to be known to family and friends as a cheater. 2. Money. 3. Other man not being ready to take her on full-time and giving her excuses as to why they can't move in together. 4. She doesn't want to be with him, just have him in addition to you. 5. She doesn't think you will leave her, even if she cheats, even if she deletes texts, etc. What do you think? yes i believe she was in contact him last night & probably this morning when i asked for the phone. she kept claiming that "i could spring this request on her".. i kept saying it had to be that way or you would have deleted everything. i believe 1 & 5. 1 the most. I believe it has to do with the fact it involved her work & employer. that & she worries about that she cannot be with our daughter 24-7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted December 29, 2013 Author Share Posted December 29, 2013 Excellent Pete. Stay composed and timid. You can obviously do better. thanks. i know i can do better. i'm more composed than i have been in 5 days. i actually feel tired right now. Link to post Share on other sites
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