Cheating Wife...

[beach]

You may be able to get a paternity test over the counter - and perform it on your daughter yourself. It can be tested by saliva.

 

 

You are correct that taking action will help you feel more in charge of what she's been doing to you.

 

Think of what's best for you and the child - and act on that to move forward.

[Allumere]

Her daughter was not her first priority now and if she is making plans with other man, that remains the case.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Pete, I just read what you posted in another thread about her guarding the phone. That is a sign that the affair is full on hot and heavy. It's a sign that she is still really, really deep into the affair - at the point where they are guarding the phone and taking it into the shower with them, the affair is about as deep as it ever was. I think it is very likely they were finding a way to hook up for sex periodically, at least once a month, maybe more, and you know she had help from at least one friend.

 

 

What is going on in your wife's head right now is, "what can I say or do to keep my life the way it is? Whatever that is, I will say or do it." She is just trying to maintain the status quo, keep her lover, and keep you, at all costs. Whatever lie she has to tell, she will tell, and worry about how to back it up or get out of it later. Like telling you ask for my phone anytime and later deleting texts and later telling you she didn't delete texts. She will take on every problem as it comes up, tell you hard-to-believe stories, and as long as you don't hold proof positive incriminating evidence in your hands, continue to lie to you (some cheaters won't even confess when you have the smoking gun in your hands). I would compare how she is acting now and will continue to act at least in the near future as a child. Did you ever see how a child tries to get what they want? First they will butter you up and be nice to you and ask. Then when you say no, they will say they hate you or they will say well it's not so bad, everyone else is doing it, or other people are doing it worse ("you will never find anyone as good as me"). She just is trying to keep up the status quo at all costs right now, she will try every manipulative tactic she can think of to get you back in line and get you to drop it.

 

 

From the guarding the phone and the video incident and the deleting texts, she is deeply in love with other man and was planning a future with him at some point. She may have been picturing him in your place.

 

 

She may at some point really have a change of heart, end the affair, and fully re-commit to you. But she is not there right now, she is far from it. What she is doing now, the lies and continued deception AFTER you know about the affair, is much more damaging to any future chance at reconciliation than the affair itself. The lies she is telling now will hurt you more and stick with you longer than the cheating itself.

 

 

In any event, being understanding of her is the wrong way to go, both in a divorce and to save your marriage. Refusing to accept her nonsense or lies or deceptions will give her more respect for you and force her to a decision rather than the apparent cake-eating - having both of you - that has been ongoing for years.

[Bryanp]

I think it would be almost impossible to do any worst. She is a piece of work.

[mack25]

The other thing you need to think of is that she has two cancers. I don't know the stage of these cancers. But you could put in a ton of time to R to have to take care of her. Let her be this guys problem.

[parlour_pete]

she's really not shown me anything since i last updated.

 

still a refusal to show her phone...i'm pretty sure she's been trying to permanently delete all texts the last couple days. she claims "there's nothing on it", then "it will just make you mad reading them", then it's "only him professing his love", then it's us "reminincing of our time together", and then "there's still feelings there".

 

she's says all the right things but no actions.

 

i asked for her to write a NC letter. nothing yet. she says if we are done (which i told her we were) and that if we don't get back together why write the letter or why show the phone.

 

ugh.

[SoulStorm]

she's really not shown me anything since i last updated.

 

still a refusal to show her phone...i'm pretty sure she's been trying to permanently delete all texts the last couple days. she claims "there's nothing on it", then "it will just make you mad reading them", then it's "only him professing his love", then it's us "reminincing of our time together", and then "there's still feelings there".

 

she's says all the right things but no actions.

 

i asked for her to write a NC letter. nothing yet. she says if we are done (which i told her we were) and that if we don't get back together why write the letter or why show the phone.

 

ugh.

 

She's guilty and gaslighting. She's also playing mind games. Time to get serious. She needs consequences or she will continue playing cat and mouse games with you.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Those "saying all the right things" she is saying must be things other than what you just posted that she said, because the things you just posted that she said definitely are not the right things to say. I guess what you mean is that she is telling you she loves you and wants to save the marriage and she is so, so sorry and will do anything to make it up to you except to let you see the messages?

 

 

When words and actions don't match up, believe the actions.

 

 

Pete, if you say you are going to do something, and then you don't do it, people will stop believing you will follow through. The more times you do it, the less they will believe you the next time. I agree with her that if you are done, then why bother with all of this stuff about getting the truth? It's night where I am Pete, and I can't see the sun, but I know that it's there. You know what the truth is about your wife and the other man, even if you can't see the messages.

 

 

She has been lying to you on a pretty consistent basis. Not just the affair, but telling you she would do anything you asked and then telling you no the very first thing you asked for. By not showing you the messages, she is communicating to you that the messages are as bad as you think they are, that you could assume the worst.

 

 

She basically is telling you that she thinks that if you saw the messages, you would divorce, and is hoping that if you don't see them, you will not. Similar to the old cliché, better to keep your mouth closed and let them think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. In her case, the saying would be, better to keep the messages private and let you think she is cheating than to let you see them and remove all doubt. She feels she has no options, that lying and telling the truth both will yield the same result. Keep in mind that she does not feel "in love" with you, her love for you is like for a close friend, but she is "in love" with him, so she is not all that worried about losing you. It probably was something she was considering anyway.

 

 

Having seen your wife's behavior many times, I can tell you almost definitely that she has been cheating on you physically, telling him that she loves him, and maybe disparaging you in the process. It is only the disparaging you in the process part that I am not sure of. The physically cheating and telling him she loves him are a virtual certainty.

 

 

What do you think her plan is? End the affair but keep lying? Keep the affair going and wait until she is ready to pull the trigger and leave you for other man? Keep the affair going and stay married to you indefinitely?

 

 

What is your plan? Are you just going to wait it out a little while longer? She's been cheating on you for years, a few more days or weeks may not help, but it's not going to hurt much either.

[parlour_pete]

Those "saying all the right things" she is saying must be things other than what you just posted that she said, because the things you just posted that she said definitely are not the right things to say. I guess what you mean is that she is telling you she loves you and wants to save the marriage and she is so, so sorry and will do anything to make it up to you except to let you see the messages?

 

 

When words and actions don't match up, believe the actions.

 

 

Pete, if you say you are going to do something, and then you don't do it, people will stop believing you will follow through. The more times you do it, the less they will believe you the next time. I agree with her that if you are done, then why bother with all of this stuff about getting the truth? It's night where I am Pete, and I can't see the sun, but I know that it's there. You know what the truth is about your wife and the other man, even if you can't see the messages.

 

 

She has been lying to you on a pretty consistent basis. Not just the affair, but telling you she would do anything you asked and then telling you no the very first thing you asked for. By not showing you the messages, she is communicating to you that the messages are as bad as you think they are, that you could assume the worst.

 

 

She basically is telling you that she thinks that if you saw the messages, you would divorce, and is hoping that if you don't see them, you will not. Similar to the old cliché, better to keep your mouth closed and let them think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. In her case, the saying would be, better to keep the messages private and let you think she is cheating than to let you see them and remove all doubt. She feels she has no options, that lying and telling the truth both will yield the same result. Keep in mind that she does not feel "in love" with you, her love for you is like for a close friend, but she is "in love" with him, so she is not all that worried about losing you. It probably was something she was considering anyway.

 

 

Having seen your wife's behavior many times, I can tell you almost definitely that she has been cheating on you physically, telling him that she loves him, and maybe disparaging you in the process. It is only the disparaging you in the process part that I am not sure of. The physically cheating and telling him she loves him are a virtual certainty.

 

 

What do you think her plan is? End the affair but keep lying? Keep the affair going and wait until she is ready to pull the trigger and leave you for other man? Keep the affair going and stay married to you indefinitely?

 

 

What is your plan? Are you just going to wait it out a little while longer? She's been cheating on you for years, a few more days or weeks may not help, but it's not going to hurt much either.

 

i'm not waffling on my decision. i'm just doing my best to ignore her right now.

 

a couple months before DDay she had the "i love you but i'm not in love you" chat with me.

 

i believe those texts will show HER professing her love to him as much as he is to her.

 

she wants to reconcile but only if i tell her i want to reconcile. then she will do whatever i ask. i don't need believe it & if she wants to reconcile she needs to prove it. nothing inside me wants to reconcile other than for our kid.

[CarrieT]

she says if we are done (which i told her we were) and that if we don't get back together why write the letter or why show the phone.

Then it is true and her actions are speaking louder than her words.

 

The marriage is over.

 

Sorry, Pete...

[parlour_pete]

 

 

She has been lying to you on a pretty consistent basis. Not just the affair, but telling you she would do anything you asked and then telling you no the very first thing you asked for. By not showing you the messages, she is communicating to you that the messages are as bad as you think they are, that you could assume the worst.

 

 

Having seen your wife's behavior many times, I can tell you almost definitely that she has been cheating on you physically, telling him that she loves him, and maybe disparaging you in the process. It is only the disparaging you in the process part that I am not sure of. The physically cheating and telling him she loves him are a virtual certainty.

 

 

she admitted the physical cheating during the initial PA oct 2011 thru june 2012. then broke it off. i knew she back was texting with him the last 2-3 months, but on Dday... she claimed it was just friend stuff. However teh refusal to show me the texts indicates otherwise. It's the last 2-3 months that i want to know about. I'm sure it is the worst.

 

i guess it really doesn't matter though since the denial is worse that the crime.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Pete, I know how hard it is when you think about your child.

 

 

Does she say she is "in love" with you now? I'm guessing that if you ask her directly, since she already has told you she is not several months ago, she honestly will tell you that she still is not. If that is the case, you should ask her, if you are not "in love" with me, why should I want to reconcile with you?

 

 

Have you considered telling her that you want her to be happy, and if that means being with other man, you want her to be with him? Offer to help her pack her stuff up and take her over there, tell her you are no one's back-up plan, and you have no desire to be married to someone who is not "in love" with you, regardless of whether there is an other man or not, regardless of whether there is an affair or not. Sometimes they realize they really do love you when they are faced with the thought of really losing you. And if not, why would you want them anyway?

 

 

If she really believes she is "in love" with other man, there is no way you are going to convince her otherwise by reasoning with her, by appealing to your history together, by emphasizing how you've been through life's ups and downs together, how you had a child together. The best thing if this is the case is to encourage her to go be with other man, let her find out for herself whether the grass is greener when she actually has to live with him.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

What do you think of this, Pete?

 

 

Just Let Them Go

 

The end result?

 

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,

let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

 

That is the end result.

 

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

 

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

 

Nothing else works better or quicker.

 

Let them go.

 

Agree with them and their feelings,

"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

 

Wouldn't that be true love?

 

If you really loved your spouse,

and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,

wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

 

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

 

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

 

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

 

But cheating, no excuses.

 

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

 

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

 

Fighting the affair? For what reason?

To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?

What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?

They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

 

And for your last point,

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

 

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

 

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.

You agree with their feelings,

they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

 

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

 

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",

you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",

you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

 

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

 

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

 

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

[parlour_pete]

she came home today & had minor breakthrough that ended in the same ****.

 

1. told me she spent hours reading on WS fog.

2. talked to the OM on the phone & told him to have NC. he was mad & wrote a bunch of texts to her that she showed me.

3. claimed she tried all afternoon to recover her texts from the whatsapp...but couldn't.

 

i told her to let me try & she said no. saying that because i installed a keylogger she can't trust me with her phone. thinks i'm going to put a tracker & logger on her phone. told her i'm glad i put the keylogger on because it proved my point.

 

i said "during your reading did you read how you are going to have to give me access to everything so i can get my trust back". she says yes then exploded into more words. then she ended it with "you'll never get anyone as good as me", slammed the door & left.

 

while i appreciate what she did...the resistance to giving me full access to undermined it.

[beach]

she came home today & had minor breakthrough that ended in the same ****.

 

1. told me she spent hours reading on WS fog.

2. talked to the OM on the phone & told him to have NC. he was mad & wrote a bunch of texts to her that she showed me.

3. claimed she tried all afternoon to recover her texts from the whatsapp...but couldn't.

 

i told her to let me try & she said no. saying that because i installed a keylogger she can't trust me with her phone. thinks i'm going to put a tracker & logger on her phone. told her i'm glad i put the keylogger on because it proved my point.

 

i said "during your reading did you read how you are going to have to give me access to everything so i can get my trust back". she says yes then exploded into more words. then she ended it with "you'll never get anyone as good as me", slammed the door & left.

 

while i appreciate what she did...the resistance to giving me full access to undermined it.

 

Same unremorseful $hit.

 

Why bother? She's still causing drama and unable to show evidence that she intends to work on your M!

 

The time and energy she's spending on her OM is outrageous - and I can't see why you would participate with her crap.

[aliveagain]

Tell her what you need for reconciliation, if she refuse's to meet your terms you have your answer, don't waste anymore time playing head games with her. She can keep her boyfriend but not as your wife. Why are you letting a liar and a cheater dictate the outcome of your marriage? Why give someone that makes very poor decisions that kind of power over the rest of your life? Talk to a lawyer in the morning, action is the only thing she will believe, her head is still up her ass. Do not back down, she is testing you.

[parlour_pete]

Tell her what you need for reconciliation, if she refuse's to meet your terms you have your answer, don't waste anymore time playing head games with her.

 

i already did.

 

1. NC with OM. i asked a week ago. she only did today. i saw his texts to her after....he is very mad. so i believe that aspect of it. only took a week for her to do it. though she wouldn't even let me hold her phone when she wanted to read the texts to me. i wanted to read them myself but she still had to hold onto the phone.

 

2. to have access to her phone etc...so i can see the communications. while she did "try" to recover them today, she refused & flipped out when i first asked 5 days ago. when i asked again for her phone today so i could try recover them she said no. didnt trust me because of i installed a keylogger on the comp. thinks ill install a tracker or logger on the phone. and i ****ing should.

Edited January 2, 2014 by parlour_pete

[beach]

Today wasn't NC - she's been in contact with him.

 

She's playing with you - but you're believing her crap.

 

Her behavior is unbelievable. You asking to participate any longer is just as unbelievable.

[parlour_pete]

You asking to participate any longer is just as unbelievable.

 

i can't avoid it. we're stuck in the same house for now. she keeps coming at me with this ****. she got home today & we put our daughter to bed. she said... "i just want you to know that the 3 things i did"(i outlined a few posts back) & it ended up in a blow-up when she wouldn't hand me her phone.

[beach]

i can't avoid it. we're stuck in the same house for now. she keeps coming at me with this ****. she got home today & we put our daughter to bed. she said... "i just want you to know that the 3 things i did"(i outlined a few posts back) & it ended up in a blow-up when she wouldn't hand me her phone.

 

When you serve her with divorce papers she might realize what a jerk she's been to you for a long time.

 

No need to listen to her lies any longer.

 

People with nothing to hide - hide nothing.

Edited January 2, 2014 by beach

[Chi townD]

i already did.

 

1. NC with OM. i asked a week ago. she only did today. i saw his texts to her after....he is very mad. so i believe that aspect of it. only took a week for her to do it. though she wouldn't even let me hold her phone when she wanted to read the texts to me. i wanted to read them myself but she still had to hold onto the phone.

 

2. to have access to her phone etc...so i can see the communications. while she did "try" to recover them today, she refused & flipped out when i first asked 5 days ago. when i asked again for her phone today so i could try recover them she said no. didnt trust me because of i installed a keylogger on the comp. thinks ill install a tracker or logger on the phone. and i ****ing should.

 

 

LOL! Probably because she didn't want you to see the text prior to those nasty ones where she asked the OM to send nasty texts under the guise that she broke it off with him to throw you off their scent.

 

Don't buy this crap.

[In Like Flynn]

Ask her how she defines "GOOD AS"!!! When she said this?? How good of a wife has a year long affair and still doesn't do all they are supposed to make it up to their spouse!!!

[parlour_pete]

LOL! Probably because she didn't want you to see the text prior to those nasty ones where she asked the OM to send nasty texts under the guise that she broke it off with him to throw you off their scent.

 

Don't buy this crap.

 

i thought the same thing.

 

i asked her to do the NC letter, read it to me & then send it.

however she decided to do it her way, by calling him when she was out and apparently telling him NC. then he followed up these nasty texts.

 

whatever, we haven't spoke since the yesterday blowup. that's a good thing.

[beach]

As good as her? Ahahaha!

 

How about the chance with any other woman? You may have the chance that any other woman won't cheat and treat you poorly.

 

Odds with your wife are that she will cheat 100% and she will treat you poorly 100%

 

Better odds at this point if you have your wife exit.

[parlour_pete]

As good as her? Ahahaha!

 

How about the chance with any other woman? You may have the chance that any other woman won't cheat and treat you poorly.

 

Odds with your wife are that she will cheat 100% and she will treat you poorly 100%

 

Better odds at this point if you have your wife exit.

 

ha. i told her it was a pretty short check-list....

 

- don't cheat on me.

 

if any other women meets that criteria...she's already better than her.