beach Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 ha. i told her it was a pretty short check-list.... - don't cheat on me. if any other women meets that criteria...she's already better than her. Yet you plan to stay... Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 Yet you plan to stay... ? min 10 characters Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 ? min 10 characters Why the question mark? You haven't taken any action to remove the liar and cheater from your life. You keep asking her to make effort and change - yet she just keeps playing you,like a fool. What are YOU going to change? Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 she came home today & had minor breakthrough that ended in the same ****. Holy fu**ing sh*t, pull your head out of your a** my man! That's not a "breakthrough". Don't even think of staying with this woman. In her addled mind, she is superior to you and she probably thinks that she has settled for you, hence "you could never get someone better than me". The implication of her words is that she's stooping down to your pedestrian level. You should be thankful that you managed to land someone as great as her. Do you not see the utter disrespect she has shown you so far? Grow a pair and divorce her immediately. Do not fall back on your daughter as an excuse to stay with this woman. A divorced dad can still be a good dad. If you stayin this marriage, you will only be miserable and you'll likely have to deal with more disrespect in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 You haven't taken any action to remove the liar and cheater from your life. You keep asking her to make effort and change - yet she just keeps playing you,like a fool. What are YOU going to change? It does seem like OP is engaged in the pointless exercise of asking someone who has no desire whatsoever to reconcile on OP's terms to reconcile on OP's terms. If that isn't a futile exercise, I don't know what is. OP, why are you wasting time? Do you secretly hope that your wife will start bending over backwards for you, thus giving you an excuse not to divorce? Even if she does start showing true remorse and doing all the heavy lifting, a good argument can be made that it's too late and required too much pressure from you and that you might as well move on. Stop wasting your time and effort and take action. Contact a lawyer, understand your legal rights, file for divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 how's the inside of your behind, looking, parlour_pete? cant be any darker, rank and offensive than the crap you're living with now.... You need to take your head out, and see the light, friend..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 All points understood. There were not terms of reconciliation. I wanted to see how bad the recent texts were when she claimed they “were just friends” so I used that as my reasoning (“if you want to stay show me something”). I want the NC regardless until the D. We happen to live in the same house & she keeps coming at me with “well today, I did this” or “that”. I’d rather avoid it but I’m kinda stuck here. We decided that texting is our only communication. I’ve already met with a divorce lawyer. In Canada we need to a have a year legal separation unless I can prove the adultery. The emails I have do not specifically prove it. She admitted the A to me but I need the smoking gun. According to the lawyer, however, these “fault” divorces usually take longer than a year anyway because of the backlog in the court system. Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 The best thing you can do is detach and be yourself. You can't control your wife, only yourself. Do you have friends you can hang out with? Is there such a thing as a legal separation where you are? If there is, you should get one. Spend time with your daughter, renew old friendships, renew old hobbies and interests or develop new ones, get out and keep busy and have some fun. Force yourself at first if you have to. Try to become indifferent to your wife, she is a dishonest person. Your wife is following the "script" that a lot of cheaters follow. It's called the "cheater's script" because it is so predictable. Even when the cheater WANTS to reconcile, they almost always contact the other person again. She doesn't want you to have access to her phone because she doesn't want you to know IF she breaks down and contacts him again. And if your wife continues to follow the script, she will be back in contact with him very shortly, if she is not already. She probably was contacting him first thing every morning and last thing every night, and during the day, for a few years, so it's not something that would be easy for her to stop, even if she was ALL IN with you, and she most definitely is not ALL IN. A very common thing is the "I love you but I'm not 'in love' with you." Another is the "you won't find anyone better than me" and it's twin sister, "no other woman will ever want you," which she won't usually tell you directly. In her mind, you have so many romantic flaws, that she believes no other woman ever would ever want you as a romantic partner. What's missing in her script is her blaming you for her cheating. These may be legitimate flaws of yours, although in many cases the first time you ever hear about these flaws from her is AFTER you catch her cheating. "Not paying me enough attention" I think is the most common one. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 So if your requirement is one year separated - why hasn't she moved yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 truth be told, i want out of the house. and i don't want the house. it's almost paid off & i stand to get some decent $$$ if everything remains civil. and in a post divorce life, a boat is better off to me than a house. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 The best thing you can do is detach and be yourself. You can't control your wife, only yourself. Do you have friends you can hang out with? Is there such a thing as a legal separation where you are? If there is, you should get one. Spend time with your daughter, renew old friendships, renew old hobbies and interests or develop new ones, get out and keep busy and have some fun. Force yourself at first if you have to. Try to become indifferent to your wife, she is a dishonest person. Your wife is following the "script" that a lot of cheaters follow. It's called the "cheater's script" because it is so predictable. Even when the cheater WANTS to reconcile, they almost always contact the other person again. She doesn't want you to have access to her phone because she doesn't want you to know IF she breaks down and contacts him again. And if your wife continues to follow the script, she will be back in contact with him very shortly, if she is not already. She probably was contacting him first thing every morning and last thing every night, and during the day, for a few years, so it's not something that would be easy for her to stop, even if she was ALL IN with you, and she most definitely is not ALL IN. A very common thing is the "I love you but I'm not 'in love' with you." Another is the "you won't find anyone better than me" and it's twin sister, "no other woman will ever want you," which she won't usually tell you directly. In her mind, you have so many romantic flaws, that she believes no other woman ever would ever want you as a romantic partner. What's missing in her script is her blaming you for her cheating. These may be legitimate flaws of yours, although in many cases the first time you ever hear about these flaws from her is AFTER you catch her cheating. "Not paying me enough attention" I think is the most common one. ya bro. thanks for all the feedback. plenty of friends. i'm on hockey team but broke my toe so that i can't even do exercise. which is what i really craving. sprint myself to puking. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 truth be told, i want out of the house. and i don't want the house. it's almost paid off & i stand to get some decent $$$ if everything remains civil. and in a post divorce life, a boat is better off to me than a house. I see. So when you move out - the D time begins to run toward that one year mark...? When do you anticipate the time will start running? Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 (edited) I see. So when you move out - the D time begins to run toward that one year mark...? When do you anticipate the time will start running? yes. already begun the groundwork on a legal separation. i just need to find a play to live (re: apartment hunting). could be a couple weeks. hope by the beginning of feb. lots of work on my part ahead. the only worry to me is physically leaving my daugther in the only house she's ever known. it will feel to her like I left. the awkwardness of her having to stay at my (her new 2nd home) place. that shXt. oh and btw, my W has turned into supermom lately. ha. trying to outdo me with my daughter in fun. Edited January 4, 2014 by parlour_pete Link to post Share on other sites
Author parlour_pete Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 another note, i took my wedding ring off DDay. i noticed today she is not wearing hers. more mind games. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 another note, i took my wedding ring off DDay. i noticed today she is not wearing hers. more mind games. Funny, as I read this I thought back to the moment I finally took off my ring, I don't have any idea of where it has gone and I don't care. I remember the excitement of going to Ben Moss and picking them out, the time we took to get just the right one's, the meaning of what they represented to us then and now they mean sh*t. The sooner your out of this mind f**k the better off you will be. Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Because you want to stay married to her and divorce will affect you and your child. She is "in love" with him now, which you could interpret as "infatuation." Her affair with other man had none of the difficulties of your marriage, no fights over finances, no fights over how to discipline the kid, no staying up late with the kid, none of the logistics of daycare, babysitting, etc. - with other man it was all sex and I love you, yet she was not able to see it for that. When you are married for more than three years, the "infatuation" stage is over. Apparently, your wife is not aware enough or mature enough or experienced enough to recognize that. Anyway, why YOU have to decide is because SHE ASKED YOU TO DECIDE. This is called COMMUNICATION. When she asks you what you want, TELL HER WHAT YOU WANT. I get it that you want her to do the right thing without being told, and eventually she will, but right now it is beyond her to be able to do so. Almost every cheater does what your wife is doing. I have seen it so much, that I have to believe it is human nature. In the initial stages, you have to guide her as to what will make you feel better. If she is willing to do the things that make you feel better, to re-establish trust, your marriage has a chance. If not, better to find out now and move on. She will get over other man, but not if she still is in contact with him. Mickey, there is a LOT of wisdom here. I hope a lot of folks read it. Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 All points understood. There were not terms of reconciliation. I wanted to see how bad the recent texts were when she claimed they “were just friends” so I used that as my reasoning (“if you want to stay show me something”). I want the NC regardless until the D. We happen to live in the same house & she keeps coming at me with “well today, I did this” or “that”. I’d rather avoid it but I’m kinda stuck here. We decided that texting is our only communication. I’ve already met with a divorce lawyer. In Canada we need to a have a year legal separation unless I can prove the adultery. The emails I have do not specifically prove it. She admitted the A to me but I need the smoking gun. According to the lawyer, however, these “fault” divorces usually take longer than a year anyway because of the backlog in the court system. I'm glad you've seen a lawyer. There are a couple of things you have to check out. In the US (I realize that you are in Canada) when it comes to child custody and visitation rights, it pays to have her leave the house and you stay with your child. Things may be different in Canada. Another thing. In the US in many (but not all) no fault states, adultery has nothing to do with the divorce. But it can have everything to do with child custody and visitation rights. You do NOT want to be the secondary guardian and see your child eight days a month. I also assume that you've separated your finances so that she cannot empty your bank account. Check on car registrations and the like as well. But the major thing is that by pushing her onto the OM, you force him to deal with her problems. It isn't Hollywood any more. Better yet, many a situation like yours has ended with the WW, on getting divorced, comes to a realization as to what she's lost. I'd not count on that, but it has happened. Stick with the plan, man. And look up. There are storms coming but the sunshine will follow. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Any way you can have her move and you stay? And when she presents any of her "problems" to you - just hand them right back to her by saying "I'm sure you can figure it out". Don't fix things for her anymore - you have enough to figure out for yourself... Link to post Share on other sites
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