Cheating Wife...

[TaraMaiden]

There's your 'responsibility' right there.

 

You 'switched off' at a time when she needed your love, comfort and support.

From that episode (I suspect you didn't clarify your rationale for your behaviour to her) she got the message that you couldn't have cared.

 

Like I said: hers is the 'blame'.

You both share equal 'responsibility'.

Instead of saying she's 'shifting blame', how about admitting - to her - that she's right, you did to all intents and purposes 'abandon' her when she needed you?

 

I'm not trying to play her game and turn this back on you, but understandably, you're so angry and distressed by her affair, that right now, you want her to shoulder the lot....

 

And in the cold grey light of day - that would be unfair....

[drifter777]

after her mom's death..in 2009, she felt that i didn't care enough or help her with her grieving. i've never dealt with a grieving spouse & i became detached almost like a deer in the headlight. seeing her cry all the time, i did my best to help her but my defense mechanism is to turn my emotions off. she felt lonely & she felt she couldn't communicate with me or felt that i didn't want to.

 

that's basically her whole reason, that she felt lonely & that this OM gave her affection that I couldn't.

What a load of horse-sh&t. Your cheating wife is gas-lighting you and blame-shifting - usually signs that things are still going on and/or she's just not sorry for what she did. Either way I don't think you have anything to save with such a selfish, self-entitled b*tch. Leave ASAP.

[TaraMaiden]

What a load of horse-sh&t. Your cheating wife is gas-lighting you and blame-shifting - usually signs that things are still going on and/or she's just not sorry for what she did. Either way I don't think you have anything to save with such a selfish, self-entitled b*tch. Leave ASAP.

 

No, she's neither gas-lighting nor blame-shifting, and that fact is clear by his own admission.

 

Like I said: Nothing absolves her from the guilt and fault of having this affair, and the OP is justifiably angry about it.

But he has admitted, in his post, that he was somewhat neglectful during her time of grief and loss.

 

Had he not posted his own admission, I'd agree with you.

But you can't call it 'gas-lighting' if he confesses she was probably right....

[Keenly]

There is no excuse for cheating. The whole attention BS is just that. BS. Excuses for being unfaithful.

 

If she had a problem with the way he was handling it, she should have come to him and expressed her concerns. Instead she opened her legs up to another man.

 

 

There is never an excuse for being unfaithful. Ever.

[TaraMaiden]

I agree completely.

Have you not read my posts, thoroughly?

[harrybrown]

She must stop all contact with the OM.

 

She has already replaced you with the OM. Put him on cheaterville.

 

Have her give you a written timeline of the affair. She can not work with him or have any contact at all.

 

How would she feel if you had an affair and had already introduced the POSOW to her kids? Have her sign an agreement that she will not get alimony if you divorce.

 

Expose the affair far and wide. Affairs like the darkness. Shine the light on hers.

 

So has she realized that she must change her boundaries? She may have given you stds?

 

So did her OM have another AP on the side as well as her? He lied and cheated on his wife. Does she think that he would not cheat on her?

 

He gave her the stds.

 

How would she feel if you did all these horrible things to her? File for divorce. She will have time during the divorce process to try to win you back.

 

So tell her thanks for ripping your heart out, throwing it into the fire and taking a dump on it.

[aliveagain]

Just ask her, "What will you do to stay married to me, what will you do to protect me from further hurt, can I trust you?" N/C contact is an absolute must, equal commitment to the marriage is the other requirement, if she can't commit to either walk.

[Oldspiceywolf]

I have many best friends but one of my longest best friends called methis morning to tell me his wife is filing. She's been in an A for a year, he caught it in march and he hasn't had the stones to kick her out or hold her to NC so in the end it was an exit affair. He did nothing right to win her back(trying to win her back was his first mistake, it was she who should have groveled) and now she thinks she's getting 70/30 custody child support and spouse support.

 

Give an inch they take a mile!

 

OP, I hope this all goes smothly and you stick to your guns, it was a mistake to take her hurt emotions lightly but she could have left or got counseling instead she decided to hurt you. I think this is done because now you e both wounded each other and if her heart doesn't belong to you t will be hard to reconcile.

 

Disclose to MOM's BS, don't fight this battle from one front. Right now he's her ally but if you put him in a battle with his own wife then you should be able to remove him from your dealings with your wife and she can see his true colors.

 

Good luck, stay strong!

[parlour_pete]

There's your 'responsibility' right there.

 

You 'switched off' at a time when she needed your love, comfort and support.

From that episode (I suspect you didn't clarify your rationale for your behaviour to her) she got the message that you couldn't have cared.

 

Like I said: hers is the 'blame'.

You both share equal 'responsibility'.

Instead of saying she's 'shifting blame', how about admitting - to her - that she's right, you did to all intents and purposes 'abandon' her when she needed you?

 

I'm not trying to play her game and turn this back on you, but understandably, you're so angry and distressed by her affair, that right now, you want her to shoulder the lot....

 

And in the cold grey light of day - that would be unfair....

 

i have admitted it from the beginning i may not have been the best husband. i take responsibility for my part in the relationship failing but there is a million chances before she takes her clothes off and has sex with another man to stop & come to me to say 'lets fix this marriage'.

[oldshirt]

I agree completely.

Have you not read my posts, thoroughly?

 

Tara Maiden is correct here, don't attack her. She is not condoning the affair or saying it is OK.

 

Affairs are not rational events where people work out calculations and equations and pour facts and figures into a sophisticated formula and an affair computer gives you the answer that you should screw around.

 

Way deep in Mrs Pete's psyche she didn't feel he was there for here and didn't care about her and that left her vulnerable to someone she did feel cared for her.

 

Spreading her legs for the OM was wrong and was a bad choice but how it happened was part of a process. Parlour Pete is not to blame for her affair but he was part of creating the conditions that left her open to the affair.

 

He has no accountability for her taking her clothes off and getting into bed with OM but he does need to address her feeling that he wasn't there for her and if there is to be any hope at all of reconciliation, he will have to assure that he will do his best to try to be there for any future traumas.

[whichwayisup]

i told her i'm leaving. we are in the same house but she's begging & pleading....and now shifting blame.

 

i just want to know the extent of the recent communication with this guy because she told me that the affair was over but the recent comings & going suggest otherwise. it doesn't matter if only for my own sanity. i will just use the "i will do anything to get you back" so that i get full disclosure on anything that is bothering me. including reading the post-DDay texts.

 

and i want him out until we divorce. for if some unbelievable reason, I have a change of heart..i do not want this OM around.

 

Why not kick HER out of the house, tell her to go to OM or a family member or a friend or neighbour. Don't leave your kids with her. She is the one who messed up, not you so she should be the one to leave. Once you leave it'll be harder to enter the house in the future and also you staying guarantees that the OM will not enter your house, be around your kids.

[peruano99]

after her mom's death..in 2009, she felt that i didn't care enough or help her with her grieving. i've never dealt with a grieving spouse & i became detached almost like a deer in the headlight. seeing her cry all the time, i did my best to help her but my defense mechanism is to turn my emotions off. she felt lonely & she felt she couldn't communicate with me or felt that i didn't want to.

 

that's basically her whole reason, that she felt lonely & that this OM gave her affection that I couldn't.

 

Ok so because of that she decided to let another man penetrate her. Doesn't make sense to me. Leave her and never look back man. You will feel better.

[peruano99]

Tara Maiden is correct here, don't attack her. She is not condoning the affair or saying it is OK.

 

Affairs are not rational events where people work out calculations and equations and pour facts and figures into a sophisticated formula and an affair computer gives you the answer that you should screw around.

 

Way deep in Mrs Pete's psyche she didn't feel he was there for here and didn't care about her and that left her vulnerable to someone she did feel cared for her.

 

Spreading her legs for the OM was wrong and was a bad choice but how it happened was part of a process. Parlour Pete is not to blame for her affair but he was part of creating the conditions that left her open to the affair.

 

He has no accountability for her taking her clothes off and getting into bed with OM but he does need to address her feeling that he wasn't there for her and if there is to be any hope at all of reconciliation, he will have to assure that he will do his best to try to be there for any future traumas.

 

 

Even if a man is commited 100 % to his wife and gives her the most attention, some women will cheat on that man as well.

[thummper]

Maybe I read this wrong. After all she's done, she's STILL in communication with this POS?! And you're PERMITTING it?!!! She needs to come out of the fog, KNOCK OFF THE NONSENSE, respect you and be the wife she should have always been. Absolutely NO contact at any time, for ANY reason whatsoever! No negotiations here. If it continues, she's out. YOU contact the other guy and tell him he's now responsible for her and all of her health problems. Help her pack. Driver her over to his house. Leave her and her stuff on his front walk. Leave and don't look back. We'll see how that plays out. Best of luck to you. I wish you happiness.

[atreides]

i am the first to admit i was not a great husband. we had even talked about going to counseling prior to the A.

 

in my mind there are a million instances where should could have stopped & come to me to try to fix whatever was broken. but she didn't. but maybe that's just my anger right now.

 

No, i am so tired of the argument that WS is 100% for infidelity but the BS is 50% for M Problems. This is non sequitur, all marriages have problems and yet many want to connect it to infidelity when there is none.

To make that claim so blatantly would then equate infidelity as a result which then is simply an assumption and we all no what the mother of all F ups is...

Marriage problems having nothing to do with the greed and selfishness of infidelity. The two issues should be addressed separately and you most importantly have no need to self-blame. It is her issues to resolve.

Lol I just love the ignorance, as if to have R hypothetically that no future problems are to arise in the M, that to then by implying, hey if she then doesn't cheat what of the marriage problems?

You see selfishness can occur whether things are going good or bad.

 

A better way to sum up what I am getting at is to ask yourself, did you go and cheat for the marriage problems?

 

So no, don't go down that road, you have nothing to do with her actions. Her issues are just that, don't let people use outside reasons to cover or relate to her infidelity.

 

It also seems like the A is still on.

For me, her actions are a deal breaker.

Best of luck.

[parlour_pete]

Maybe I read this wrong. After all she's done, she's STILL in communication with this POS?! And you're PERMITTING it?!!!

 

yes/no. she told me the affair ended 1.5 years ago & they stopped communicating. but recently have started again within the last few months. she never admitted the affair to until 4 days ago.

 

i asked why she was still texting him, she said because we are friends..she told me that she would stop if i wanted her to...i told her to go f**k herself & that's how that blowout ended.

 

i assume they have texted since Dday & i will find out tonight. at that point whether or not we reconcile, she will have NC with him ever again or until we are divorced.

[parlour_pete]

No, i am so tired of the argument that WS is 100% for infidelity but the BS is 50% for M Problems. This is non sequitur, all marriages have problems and yet many want to connect it to infidelity when there is none.

To make that claim so blatantly would then equate infidelity as a result which then is simply an assumption and we all no what the mother of all F ups is...

Marriage problems having nothing to do with the greed and selfishness of infidelity. The two issues should be addressed separately and you most importantly have no need to self-blame. It is her issues to resolve.

Lol I just love the ignorance, as if to have R hypothetically that no future problems are to arise in the M, that to then by implying, hey if she then doesn't cheat what of the marriage problems?

You see selfishness can occur whether things are going good or bad.

 

A better way to sum up what I am getting at is to ask yourself, did you go and cheat for the marriage problems?

So no, don't go down that road, you have nothing to do with her actions. Her issues are just that, don't let people use outside reasons to cover or relate to her infidelity.

 

It also seems like the A is still on.

For me, her actions are a deal breaker.

Best of luck.

 

thanks.

i told her the exact same thing....

am i happy in our marriage? no.

did i go have an affair? no.

[thummper]

"she told me she would stop if I wanted her to..." God, some people are so clueless! I'm assuming she has perfectly normal intelligence, and yet she says something as stupid as that! Oh, no, you "friends" just stay in touch. Wow!!

[bubbaganoosh]

thanks Mickey.

 

she told me she won't be friends with him if I don't want to. but why do i have to decide that?

 

When she told you that. You should have told her, "Why are you asking me? You didn't ask me when you screwed him how many times over."

 

That's not communicating. It's called buck passing and no doubt would be brought back up at any moment after the dust settles.

 

One other thing. Why should you move? She's the one who had the affair. If anything, make her move out and she can go be with the other guy and I know this will sound heartless but don't be surprised if she throws her illness at you for sympathy. It's a good ploy to use and it will play on you.

 

Friend you were royally screwed by her and with her knowing that the OM was around and that you knew him. That's flat out cruel and I'm glad your making a stand.

[drifter777]

Tara Maiden is correct here, don't attack her. She is not condoning the affair or saying it is OK.

 

Affairs are not rational events where people work out calculations and equations and pour facts and figures into a sophisticated formula and an affair computer gives you the answer that you should screw around.

 

Way deep in Mrs Pete's psyche she didn't feel he was there for here and didn't care about her and that left her vulnerable to someone she did feel cared for her.

 

Spreading her legs for the OM was wrong and was a bad choice but how it happened was part of a process. Parlour Pete is not to blame for her affair but he was part of creating the conditions that left her open to the affair.

 

He has no accountability for her taking her clothes off and getting into bed with OM but he does need to address her feeling that he wasn't there for her and if there is to be any hope at all of reconciliation, he will have to assure that he will do his best to try to be there for any future traumas.

Ok - but when? So soon after d-day it's simply not rational to ask a BS to take responsibility for whatever was wrong in the marriage that led to the WS cheating. And, by the way, not every WS starts cheating because they are in a bad marriage.

 

shirt - have you been cheated on? How about you Tara? Have either of you experienced the sledge-hammer to the head that is d-day?

[Syco]

Given the fact that your wife has had cancer, make sure you email relatives notifying them of her behaviour so that you are not made out to be the bad guy in this.

 

Furthermore, YOU do not leave the house. The WS does.

 

This is just me, but if i was in your position i would also post the OM on cheaterville, and email the link to his work superiors & family. This man has screwed you over royally.

 

Good Luck.

[parlour_pete]

jesus...now the b*tch is ignoring me like she is mad at me.

i need to get the **** out of here.

[Debanked]

She is PO'd because she has been found out and confronted, and that she has to deal with the ramifications of her BS. Do yourself a favor though, you don't owe anyone here anything. Take the posts here to heart, but filter them and only do what is right for YOU. It may take some time to find the right path. Be careful about rash decisions based on emotion. Try to cool off and think.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

jesus...now the b*tch is ignoring me like she is mad at me.

i need to get the **** out of here.

 

 

 

This is how cheaters act while the affair still is going hot and heavy. It's not over and it never was. Just took a hiatus when she had the cancer, other man probably was not up for sticking by her side through that.

 

 

A couple of other things you posted earlier I found disturbing. She says affair ended a year and a half ago and everything is on the up and up now, they are just friends, nothing inappropriate is going on - but she still is hiding contact under a female's name, lying about who gave the gift, trying to secretly send him a video. If he now is ONLY a friend and you will supposedly never find out because it's all in the past and they have nothing to hide anymore, then why not just be out in the open about their friendship now? The answer is because they still do have inappropriate communications, they still do have things to hide from you.

 

 

The other thing is, you mentioned other man ridicules you to your wife, for example calling your gift a "pretend" gift, and your wife either agrees or says nothing. A loyal loving wife would put someone who demeans her husband in their place and tell them not to talk trash about her husband.

 

 

When the cheater truly wants to save the marriage, they will be bending over backwards, doing a lot of extra things for you, even things that are totally unrelated to the affair, doing things to please you, and of course trying to do what you ask in regards to re-building trust, like being open with their texts, emails, etc. The remorseful cheater wants to re-build and let you know that you are important to them. You can judge by the actions.

 

 

When you posted about the gift from the OM and the video, I knew you would have an uphill battle. She is saying she will do anything you need, but her actions have to match her words.

[Artie Lang]

personally, with all that's happened- OM having interacted with your family -i don't see how you get over the utter disrespect your wife has shown you and your family. it was as if he was the man she was living for and you were put on the shelf throughout this whole ordeal.

 

her actions are above and beyond insulting.

 

 

now you tell us she might very well be still in contact with this OM, and she'll end communication with him if you want- F_CK THAT!!! she knows better. she's a cake-eater, dude.

 

 

have you informed OM's wife? she deserves to know.

Edited December 28, 2013 by Artie Lang