Affair Down

[Amelia81]

I've seen this mentioned a number of times in threads, MM in particular (not sure about MW) tend to have affairs with women considered less attractive than their wives.

 

Is there a theory behind this? Why they would do this even if its subconscious?

 

We are not even in an A but at risk of one if I'm not careful. His wife is stunning and comparing me to her would seem an obvious case of affairing down which makes me feel like poop. Just confirms how I feel about myself.

[bentleychic]

This is just another silly generalization about A's. It may be true in some cases and not in others, but it's definitely not in all or most.

 

Besides, looks aren't everything. A W could be less attractive than the OW, but be very successful and have an amazing personality or vice versa.

 

Also, as someone who has been an OW for over a year, I would caution you to be very careful so it does not turn in to an A. It can be a very sad and lonely place to be.

[bentleychic]

Sorry for the double post. Loveshack glitched on me.

[Baby123]

Its kind of a silly theory- its just what the man fancies more at the time.

 

When MM got married he liked blondes with big breasts and after 20 years he started to like more petit women with darker hair and tan... people change and so do there tastes.

[irresolute]

no, its not a generaliztion. It's the truth. Men tend to have sex with women they consider not that attractive, just because it's only sex, and they're joking around. They get married with women who are somehow out of their league.

[ElectricTangerine]

I really don't think that's a fair generalization to make. This certainly wasn't the case with my xMM - his wife wasn't much to look at, if I may say so myself. In my opinion, it has less to do with looks and more to do with character. It's impossible to lump all OW in the same pile. But if you really want some sort of a theory behind it, I'd say it has something to do with the OW's lack of self-respect, confidence and self-worth. If you're willing to put up with the MM come up with excuses why leaving the BS/actively divorcing is not possible at the moment, if you're willing to settle for breadcrumbs instead of a whole loaf for an extended period of time... That says something about your sense of self-worth and respect. And it has nothing to do with looks.

[awkward]

I didn't even realize it was about physical appearance. I always thought it was about the type of women the MM is with.

 

He marries one and not the other. Yes, I know sometimes he marries the affair partner. Rarely. If his wife divorces him, he is more likely to leave the OW and seek out a new non-affair relationship with a woman he would consider marrying.

 

You see, these married men don't have any mirrors so the reflection of their behavior isn't such a big deal, but many would never marry a woman who sleeps with a married man - even if he is the married man. They are real pricks.

[bentleychic]

no, its not a generaliztion. It's the truth. Men tend to have sex with women they consider not that attractive, just because it's only sex, and they're joking around. They get married with women who are somehow out of their league.

LOL Okay, show me your proof and statistics if it's "truth".

 

It's bs.

[Amelia81]

But if you really want some sort of a theory behind it, I'd say it has something to do with the OW's lack of self-respect, confidence and self-worth. If you're willing to put up with the MM come up with excuses why leaving the BS/actively divorcing is not possible at the moment, if you're willing to settle for breadcrumbs instead of a whole loaf for an extended period of time... That says something about your sense of self-worth and respect. And it has nothing to do with looks.

 

I can understand why someone with low confidence/self respect etc would be more likely to get involved with a MM than someone with bucket loads of self esteem, but why would these characteristics be *attractive* to a MM? Just because that person is willing?

 

I would say I do have self esteem issues, but I really don't think he knows me well enough to know that as at work I'm quietly confident and keep most personal things private. He's my manager but I am also a supervisor so it's not like it's some hierarchical ego thing either.

[sunburned]

I head that people tend to "affair down" as well. My xAP was much older, 20+ years, so while attractive/youthful for his age, he was not as attractive as my husband. His wife is older than me but closer to my age than his. We were probably pretty close in the looks department. But we are very different personalities as are xMOM and my H. xAP also not as successful or as smart as my H. I learned in IC that 1.) We ( the cheaters or -- the more diplomatic -- "boundary-challenged") look for someone different than our spouses, not necessarily better or worse per se, and 2.) Most people are more comfortable "affairing down" due to confidence issues.

 

More importantly, as Bentley has advised, don't go there.

You are here, you have read so I don't need to explain why. The sexual tension is probably exquisite. Enjoy it for what it is and no more. If you feel his wife is much prettier than you (regardless of whether it is true), you will feel much more self conscious in an A anyway.

[Amelia81]

Also, as someone who has been an OW for over a year, I would caution you to be very careful so it does not turn in to an A. It can be a very sad and lonely place to be.

 

I've been an OW before, and it broke me. I know it all too well *sigh*

 

I know I won't pursue anything, but can't be so sure he won't try. Trying to prepare myself for those situations.

[happy stillmore]

Every situation is different. I would say, as a MOW, I affaired down. Not to boast, I can say I am easier on the eyes than W. I am more educated and make double the income as XMM. No, the relationship was not based solely on sex. Some people get their jollies by trying to insult OP's. Again, each situation is unique.

[sweet_pea]

I've come to think of 'affairing down' as more of a character thing rather than a physical thing. Sure, there are APs who are beautiful, but, having affairs and all of the pain + deceit it causes is a very ugly thing.

 

Physically, beauty is subjective. Just because someone thinks they are better looking than another doesn't mean that everyone does. It's a bit sad that some get off on thinking they look better than others.

Edited December 28, 2013 by sweet_pea

[liloldlady]

I've seen this mentioned a number of times in threads, MM in particular (not sure about MW) tend to have affairs with women considered less attractive than their wives.

 

Is there a theory behind this? Why they would do this even if its subconscious?

 

Interesting, I've read just the opposite on a men's blog. Since you run the risk of being exposed, you better make sure she's pretty. Otherwise it's like a double slap in the face to the one being cheated on.

[liloldlady]

Men tend to have sex with women they consider not that attractive, just because it's only sex

 

...and for the ones they have long term relationships with...?

[irresolute]

LOL Okay, show me your proof and statistics if it's "truth".

 

It's bs.

 

Haha don't get upset. I'll look for the paper I've read and I'll post it here. Sadly, that's the truth, I'm sorry if you feel touched.

[irresolute]

Not the one I've read, but here it goes:

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/02/cheating-study_n_4032035.html

[liloldlady]

Not the one I've read, but here it goes:

 

Cheating Survey Finds That People Cheat With People Less Attractive Than Their Spouses

 

Counter point:

 

The 10 Signs She?s The Perfect Side-Piece - SBM

 

Under no circumstance should she be uglier than your current wife.

You are treading on uncharted territories and it’s important that you understand that you may get caught. Aside from that possibility, how dumb would it look if you get caught with a mistress that is not better looking than your current wife? This makes the whole experience pointless and it is truly disrespectful to your wife.

[thecharade]

This is something people tell BSs to make them feel better. When the BS says, "But she's 15 years younger, drop dead gorgeous, with an advanced degree and top salary," the others tell her, "But she's ugly on the inside."

 

Sour grapes.

But if I was the BS, I would want to hear the same thing.

 

It always sounds to me a little like blaming the OW ("she's black as tar on the inside!") instead of blaming their spouse. Shouldn't the spouse have a black, ugly, unworthy soul, as well?

[bentleychic]

I'm not feeling touched. It's not any more the truth than saying all ow are sluts and all bs are perfect. It's impossible to generalize an entire group of people and have it be the truth for all of them.

[ElectricTangerine]

Interesting, I've read just the opposite on a men's blog. Since you run the risk of being exposed, you better make sure she's pretty. Otherwise it's like a double slap in the face to the one being cheated on.

 

It's a big slap in the face of BS either way. In both cases BS can be left wondering what she doesn't have that the OW has. Maybe, if the OW is more attractive, you can simplify the affair to MM not being attracted to BS's appearance. Which is a huge blow for the BS's confidence. And if the OW is less attractive, it may show BS that any random woman is better than her and her appearance doesn't help her one bit. You can't say that one of these options hurts more. And affairs are WAY too complex, they cannot be reduced to just appearance. I still think that how the OW looks is not relevant.

[awkward]

I can understand why someone with low confidence/self respect etc would be more likely to get involved with a MM than someone with bucket loads of self esteem, but why would these characteristics be *attractive* to a MM? Just because that person is willing?

 

I would say I do have self esteem issues, but I really don't think he knows me well enough to know that as at work I'm quietly confident and keep most personal things private. He's my manager but I am also a supervisor so it's not like it's some hierarchical ego thing either.

 

Many woman would laugh in a MM's face, yet others don't. Sooner or later they will find someone that is willing to overlook the fact that he is married.

[threelaurels]

I've seen this mentioned a number of times in threads, MM in particular (not sure about MW) tend to have affairs with women considered less attractive than their wives.

 

Is there a theory behind this? Why they would do this even if its subconscious?

 

We are not even in an A but at risk of one if I'm not careful. His wife is stunning and comparing me to her would seem an obvious case of affairing down which makes me feel like poop. Just confirms how I feel about myself.

 

The idea behind "affairing down" is that OW/OM are low-hanging fruit. Not a lot of people are willing to be the OW/OM, so the MM/MW inevitably take what they can get. Whether or not there is merit to the idea is another question. In my experience, it did not happen. My ex's OW and I are very different physically, but we are both attractive. The only thing about her looks that was "better" than me was that she was skinnier than me, but I'm underweight in terms of BMI, so that doesn't exactly mean much anyway.

[sweet_pea]

This is something people tell BSs to make them feel better. When the BS says, "But she's 15 years younger, drop dead gorgeous, with an advanced degree and top salary," the others tell her, "But she's ugly on the inside."

 

Sour grapes.

But if I was the BS, I would want to hear the same thing.

 

It always sounds to me a little like blaming the OW ("she's black as tar on the inside!") instead of blaming their spouse. Shouldn't the spouse have a black, ugly, unworthy soul, as well?

 

How is that blaming the AP for an affair to tell someone that? And yes, both the WS and AP both are being ugly while in the affair.

[Quiet Storm]

Because its about their need for validation, attention and admiration.

 

It's like Matthew McConaughheys character in Dazed and Confused. His peers his own age thought he was a loser, but he was the cool guy when he hung with the high school kids.

 

In some marriages, the wife becomes disappointed in her husband. Maybe he's not as successful as shed hoped. Maybe he is irresponsible. Maybe he is selfish. Maybe he drinks too much, or plays video games all the time. Maybe he's a pushover and let's people walk all over him. Maybe he's a liar or a cheater.

 

So when any of the above happens, the wife loses respect for her husband. She stops admiring him. She doesn't give as many compliments. She isn't as attracted to him anymore.

 

So mm loses that validation and admiration that he craves so much. It is easier to seek out a new source, than to face his wifes disappointment and try to repair the marriage.

 

Some men see vulnerable women as a better source of validation and admiration. They may seek naive or young women because they make him feel respected. They want to feel appreciated and admired.

 

The fact is that most women would not admire or respect a cheater. And a married guy knows this. He realizes his marital status is a huge negative when it comes to attracting women. So if he wants to have his needs met in an affair, he must find someone that will admire him, will respect him, will love him, and accept him, and compliment him and be attracted to him REGARDLESS of the fact that he's married and cheating.

 

It's all about him and what he wants to feel like. A disappointed wife makes him feel like a failure, but an OW who doesn't expect much makes him feel like THE MAN.

 

Of course isn't true in all affairs, but most mm are not great men stuck in bad circumstances. Many are just flawed, selfish men who make a mess of their lives and drag down those that love him.

Edited December 28, 2013 by Quiet Storm