Affair Down

[Furious]

I've seen this mentioned a number of times in threads, MM in particular (not sure about MW) tend to have affairs with women considered less attractive than their wives.

 

Is there a theory behind this? Why they would do this even if its subconscious?

 

We are not even in an A but at risk of one if I'm not careful. His wife is stunning and comparing me to her would seem an obvious case of affairing down which makes me feel like poop. Just confirms how I feel about myself.

 

 

I dislike the term "affair down". Instead of seeing or acknowledging the bigger picture and recognizing that too many women get caught up in a so-called competition over a married man, who by all means, is manipulating both the spouse and OW/OM in a game of deflection.

 

Sadly, instead focusing on the attributes or lack of attributes between the affair partner and the spouse, the emphasis to your query should be the character and quality of the MM.

 

I believe any woman who knowingly involves herself with a married man is choosing to "affair down". It's not about the spouse, whether or not, you may be "better or not" compared to her.

 

The real question is the power of deceit. The MM uses deceit to keep the spouse in the dark and unfortunately the OW buys into the deceit and by the same token needs to believe that this deceit is not a true reflection of his character.

 

I hope for you to see your dilemma from a different angle and to realize you are worth more than this and not to buy into the "comparison competition" over a man who is comfortable with cowardice and deceit.

Edited December 28, 2013 by Furious

[Amelia81]

Because its about their need for validation, attention and admiration.

 

In many marriages, the wife becomes disappointed in her husband. Maybe he's not as successfulas shed hoped. Maybe he is irresponsible. Maybe he is selfish. Maybe he drinks too much, or plays video games all the time. Maybe he's a pushover and let's people walk all over him. Maybe he's a liar or a cheater.

 

So when any of the above happens, the wife loses respect for her husband. She stops admiring him. She doesn't give as many compliments. She isn't as attracted to him anymore.

 

So mm loses that validation and admiration that he craves so much. It is easier to seek out a new source, than to face his wifes disappointment and try to repair the marriage.

 

Some men see vulnerable women as a better source of validation and admiration. They may seek naive or young women because they make him feel respected. They want to feel appreciated and admired.

 

The fact is that most women would not admire or respect a cheater. And a married guy knows this. He realizes his marital status is a huge negative when it comes to attracting women. So if he wants to have his needs met in an affair, he must find someone that will admire him, will respect him, will love him, and accept him, and compliment him and be attracted to him REGARDLESS of the fact that he's married and cheating.

 

It's all about him and what he wants to feel like. A disappointed wife makes him feel like a failure, but an OW who doesn't expect much makes him feel like THE MAN.

 

Of course isn't true in all affairs, but most mm are not great men stuck in bad circumstances. Many are just flawed, selfish men who make a mess of their lives and drag down those that love him.

 

Thank you so much for this post. This makes the most sense to me, and can see this would fit with a number of men I've known to have cheated or wanted to cheat. Although maybe not consciously seek out OW, but become attracted to someone who fulfills the admiration/respect they feel lacking.

 

I can see now how it fits with my boss. He is similar age as me though so no younger model ego issues.

 

To do well at work I have to have a good relationship with my boss, male or female, someone I can learn from and aspire to. Before him, a few years back, my favourite boss was female and she helped me grow in my role. He has done something similar and of course I admired and respected him. He has possibly picked up on this and it's given him a bit of an ego boost, I don't know what his M is like but I always think for anyone to cheat (he has drunkenly kissed me but he knows I'm not ok with it) there has to be something not right in M.

 

At the same time he has also valued me at work and shown me recognition which has been missing in other roles the last couple of years, so I feel he is fulfilling my need for job satisfaction and perhaps an ego boost for me too. Combine that with a physical attraction and similar outlook on life and I guess that's why it's now at risk of A.

 

I am finding it hard to lose respect for him though, despite what has happened. But I think this is because it's wrapped up in him being everything I need in a boss (this aside!) and if I lose respect for him then I am concerned I'll lose job satisfaction. I've always always said my boss (any boss) plays a big part in job satisfaction for me.

[Amelia81]

I dislike the term "affair down". Instead of seeing or acknowledging the bigger picture and recognizing that too many women get caught up in a so-called competition over a married man, who by all means, is manipulating both the spouse and OW/OM in a game of deflection.

 

Sadly, instead focusing on the attributes or lack of attributes between the affair partner and the spouse, the emphasis to your query should be the character and quality of the MM.

 

I believe any woman who knowingly involves herself with a married man is choosing to "affair down". It's not about the spouse, whether or not, you may be "better or not" compared to her.

 

The real question is the power of deceit. The MM uses deceit to keep the spouse in the dark and unfortunately the OW buys into the deceit and by the same token needs to believe that this deceit is not a true reflection of his character.

 

I hope for you to see your dilemma from a different angle and to realize you are worth more than this and not to buy into the "comparison competition" over a man who is comfortable with cowardice and deceit.

 

Thanks for this post too, I understand what you are saying.

 

I actually have an issue with comparing myself to other women as it is, regardless of relationships, so with hindsight it's not surprised me I've ended up focusing on the "affair down" theory.

 

Part of me thinks of course she is superior to me, she is the one who managed to find someone to marry and have a child with, I have not!

[Popsicle]

It depends. If the married person wants to stay married and have a little different excitement on the side, then they affair down. If they've seriously thought about leaving their marriage, then they try to affair up.

[Furious]

Thanks for this post too, I understand what you are saying.

 

I actually have an issue with comparing myself to other women as it is, regardless of relationships, so with hindsight it's not surprised me I've ended up focusing on the "affair down" theory.

 

Part of me thinks of course she is superior to me, she is the one who managed to find someone to marry and have a child with, I have not!

 

 

Your value and self esteem cannot be determined by anyone but yourself. Life is not always fair. There will always be those who have less or more than what you have....that's life.

 

Your value is set by you. Your self esteem is determined by you. You own it. Until you value yourself you will will no longer be vulnerable to those who take advantage you.

 

Take the time and effort to reconnect with yourself. You cannot find true love until you learn to love yourself.

Edited December 28, 2013 by Furious
Correction

[Nothisgirl]

Because its about their need for validation, attention and admiration.

 

It's like Matthew McConaughheys character in Dazed and Confused. His peers his own age thought he was a loser, but he was the cool guy when he hung with the high school kids.

 

In some marriages, the wife becomes disappointed in her husband. Maybe he's not as successful as shed hoped. Maybe he is irresponsible. Maybe he is selfish. Maybe he drinks too much, or plays video games all the time. Maybe he's a pushover and let's people walk all over him. Maybe he's a liar or a cheater.

 

So when any of the above happens, the wife loses respect for her husband. She stops admiring him. She doesn't give as many compliments. She isn't as attracted to him anymore.

 

So mm loses that validation and admiration that he craves so much. It is easier to seek out a new source, than to face his wifes disappointment and try to repair the marriage.

 

Some men see vulnerable women as a better source of validation and admiration. They may seek naive or young women because they make him feel respected. They want to feel appreciated and admired.

 

The fact is that most women would not admire or respect a cheater. And a married guy knows this. He realizes his marital status is a huge negative when it comes to attracting women. So if he wants to have his needs met in an affair, he must find someone that will admire him, will respect him, will love him, and accept him, and compliment him and be attracted to him REGARDLESS of the fact that he's married and cheating.

 

It's all about him and what he wants to feel like. A disappointed wife makes him feel like a failure, but an OW who doesn't expect much makes him feel like THE MAN.

 

Of course isn't true in all affairs, but most mm are not great men stuck in bad circumstances. Many are just flawed, selfish men who make a mess of their lives and drag down those that love him.

 

I really, really needed to read exactly this. Thank you.

 

 

To the original question...he didn't affair down with me..tbh and now that I really think about it, his W and I are very similar in looks (although I'm younger and more petite) and seemingly very similar in personality, career etc.

 

this post actually gave me a pretty huge awakening...my MM didn't affair down..what he did was replace his W with a younger version, me...I'm his W before she lost admiration and respect for him. Whoa. It all makes a lot more sense. Ill be back to this once I process some more.

[ZMM]

I've seen this mentioned a number of times in threads, MM in particular (not sure about MW) tend to have affairs with women considered less attractive than their wives.

 

Is there a theory behind this? Why they would do this even if its subconscious?

 

We are not even in an A but at risk of one if I'm not careful. His wife is stunning and comparing me to her would seem an obvious case of affairing down which makes me feel like poop. Just confirms how I feel about myself.

 

 

I don't buy it at all. Not true in my case.

 

And there has to be an attraction, but after that, other things are way more important. JMO

[vanellope]

the wife did say that she feel she see a younger her, when she saw my photo. but the MM reject that, he said we are really different.

 

I think what the wife think is the similar on looking but what MM thinking is the personality or how he feel about the relationship. if the affair envoling real feelings and I also don't think looking play a important role. there are many prettier women in the world, but what you love the most is not the most beautiful one in the world.

[Eggplant]

I would imagine the available options for women who would be willing to be a person's shameful secret are different from the pool of women who would be willing to be a man's wife in a monogamous relationship.

[Popsicle]

Because its about their need for validation, attention and admiration.

 

It's like Matthew McConaughheys character in Dazed and Confused. His peers his own age thought he was a loser, but he was the cool guy when he hung with the high school kids.

 

In some marriages, the wife becomes disappointed in her husband. Maybe he's not as successful as shed hoped. Maybe he is irresponsible. Maybe he is selfish. Maybe he drinks too much, or plays video games all the time. Maybe he's a pushover and let's people walk all over him. Maybe he's a liar or a cheater.

 

So when any of the above happens, the wife loses respect for her husband. She stops admiring him. She doesn't give as many compliments. She isn't as attracted to him anymore.

 

So mm loses that validation and admiration that he craves so much. It is easier to seek out a new source, than to face his wifes disappointment and try to repair the marriage.

 

Some men see vulnerable women as a better source of validation and admiration. They may seek naive or young women because they make him feel respected. They want to feel appreciated and admired.

 

The fact is that most women would not admire or respect a cheater. And a married guy knows this. He realizes his marital status is a huge negative when it comes to attracting women. So if he wants to have his needs met in an affair, he must find someone that will admire him, will respect him, will love him, and accept him, and compliment him and be attracted to him REGARDLESS of the fact that he's married and cheating.

 

It's all about him and what he wants to feel like. A disappointed wife makes him feel like a failure, but an OW who doesn't expect much makes him feel like THE MAN.

 

Of course isn't true in all affairs, but most mm are not great men stuck in bad circumstances. Many are just flawed, selfish men who make a mess of their lives and drag down those that love him.

 

So true. .....

[liloldlady]

It depends. If the married person wants to stay married and have a little different excitement on the side, then they affair down. If they've seriously thought about leaving their marriage, then they try to affair up.

 

Are you serious??? My friend is so so serious about getting keys back to my apartment, and he's even given me a deadline, Tuesday, because the heat is being worked on in, his words, "the apartment I'm in". Doesn't sound like home to me! Hmm.

[liloldlady]

I would imagine the available options for women who would be willing to be a person's shameful secret

 

He's not ashamed of me. He's made deliberate attempts to put me on front street since day one.

 

the pool of women who would be willing to be a man's wife in a monogamous relationship.

 

I am her, too. I love my man, my true love. The heart is complex.

[snowflakes88]

I would imagine the available options for women who would be willing to be a person's shameful secret are different from the pool of women who would be willing to be a man's wife in a monogamous relationship.

 

I don't necessarily think this is true. Beautiful women aren't exempt from low self-esteem / insecurity / neediness / poor self-worth -- one or a combination of which I think you'd (likely) have to have to settle for being the side chick.

[liloldlady]

settle for being the side chick.

 

Sometimes a career or the heart truly being elsewhere can contribute to this situation.

[MissBee]

I've seen this mentioned a number of times in threads, MM in particular (not sure about MW) tend to have affairs with women considered less attractive than their wives.

 

Is there a theory behind this? Why they would do this even if its subconscious?

 

We are not even in an A but at risk of one if I'm not careful. His wife is stunning and comparing me to her would seem an obvious case of affairing down which makes me feel like poop. Just confirms how I feel about myself.

 

Attractive is dependent on who is looking, although I guess there are certain cultural standards that we can judge people against. In any case, why someone has an affair is never solely about looks and them comparing who looks better. People like people and are drawn to them for all kinds of reasons. Although, for many people having an affair is an escape from their marriage so it's not like they are out looking for someone to date and are necessarily using particularly high standards as they might if they were in fact looking to date someone as a single person.Many simply cross boundaries with people who are open to it and they didn't "plan it" and such people are people who stroke their ego and give them the attention, validation, feel-good feelings they need and one need not be the best looking or better looking to provide that kind of feel-good feeling.

[Eggplant]

He's not ashamed of me. He's made deliberate attempts to put me on front street since day one.

 

 

 

I am her, too. I love my man, my true love. The heart is complex.

I wasn't referring to you in particular.

[Eggplant]

I don't necessarily think this is true. Beautiful women aren't exempt from low self-esteem / insecurity / neediness / poor self-worth -- one or a combination of which I think you'd (likely) have to have to settle for being the side chick.

You may be right. Is there a correlation between beauty/whatever and low self-esteem?

[MissBee]

Counter point:

 

The 10 Signs She?s The Perfect Side-Piece - SBM

 

This is not some kind of factual article...

 

This is clearly some tongue in cheek article about the "perfect side piece"....I mean the perfect "side piece" come on!

 

But even that speaks to the point someone else made about marriage vs. affair. It's not really about looks the affair down argument usually. Sadly, having known many a dog in my life and having males as friends and listening to them discuss certain things, who they sleep with or have as a "side piece" is not as thought out as the choice of their wife/mother of their children, person their family meets etc. In my own A I don't think he looked at me as a side piece or as someone he would never be with, in fact we did get together post-A. But for other men, who they are with on the side is fit for the side and the side alone because they are hypocrites and do not at all mind sleeping with or having a secret relationship with one woman all the while knowing they don't consider her someone they'd ever be in a legitimate relationship with.

[Woggle]

Most cheaters in general do.

[SolG]

I'm with QuietStorm. An MM's choice of AP is mostly about what need isn't being met in his primary relationship. It could be intimacy, it could be admiration and respect, it could be looks if his W has let herself go and looks are important to him (which they aren't to all men). He's not affairing up or down... he's looking to find that something in an AP that he's currently missing and probably not even consciously aware of.

[Daisy2013]

I'm with QuietStorm. An MM's choice of AP is mostly about what need isn't being met in his primary relationship. It could be intimacy, it could be admiration and respect, it could be looks if his W has let herself go and looks are important to him (which they aren't to all men). He's not affairing up or down... he's looking to find that something in an AP that he's currently missing and probably not even consciously aware of.

 

I agree with this. My MoM didn't affair down with me. I am educated, earn a decent salary and can hold my own against his W. I offered him emotional intimacy, friendship, admiration, respect, laughter and love. Sex was last on the burner, although the chemistry was undeniable and amazing. We just simply enjoyed each other's company; we "fit" together. She didn't offer him these things. He was lonely. He stayed because of religious beliefs and all he would lose if he left...yes, no backbone. He looks miserable when I see him and still tries to tell me he loves me. So, I don't think I was a step down or a side piece. Just something at the wrong time that couldn't be.

[happy stillmore]

Daisy,

That is exactly how I feel too about my situation.

[Quiet Storm]

I'm with QuietStorm. An MM's choice of AP is mostly about what need isn't being met in his primary relationship. It could be intimacy, it could be admiration and respect, it could be looks if his W has let herself go and looks are important to him (which they aren't to all men). He's not affairing up or down... he's looking to find that something in an AP that he's currently missing and probably not even consciously aware of.

 

Yes, he seeks to meet his needs, but I'm not saying those needs are valid or realistic.

 

A sense of entitlement, unrealistic expectations of marriage, immaturity, unhealthy needs for attention and validation, conflict avoidance, poor coping skills are explanations that can help us understand the choices people make. they are not valid reasons to cheat.

 

It's not easy to provide an endless supply of respect, compliments, sex and attention to someone who may have behaved in ways that you no longer admire. If someone has a pattern of broken promises, irresponsibility, immaturity... Yeah, wife might not be as willing than the ow who he hasn't disappointed- YET. He likes who is willing to supply. This is why when ow is disappointed, when she has expectations, when she starts calling him out on the bull... He will often seek another source of supply.

 

There are many people in marriages that aren't getting their needs met that do not choose to cheat.

 

So while many cheaters may choose to cheat based on their perception of unmet needs, wife ignores him, overweight wife, not enough sex, etc. - these are just excuses. The real reason he makes this choice over other options like marriage counseling, divorce, an open marriage, individual counseling, is because of his character- the lack of integrity, the passive behavior, the conflict avoidance, the inability to deal with lifes problems in a healthy and honest way.

 

So he is not usually a good guy in complicated circumstances, but a guy with poor character who has complicated his life by being dishonest, running from problems, involving other women in his drama, not considering the feelings of others and never taking responsibility.

[ElectricTangerine]

Daisy,

That is exactly how I feel too about my situation.

 

I agree, it's how I feel about my situation too.

[ElectricTangerine]

So while many cheaters may choose to cheat based on their perception of unmet needs, wife ignores him, overweight wife, not enough sex, etc. - these are just excuses. The real reason he makes this choice over other options like marriage counseling, divorce, an open marriage, individual counseling, is because of his character- the lack of integrity, the passive behavior, the conflict avoidance, the inability to deal with lifes problems in a healthy and honest way.

 

Yes yes yes. If I could like this more than once, I would.