Affair Down

[Popsicle]

Simple formula - if the WS thinks the AP is an upgrade, they start packing up.

 

 

If they don't do that, then it's not an upgrade for them.

 

 

 

 

It's all in what the WS thinks is an upgrade or not. What other people (including the AP) think is an upgrade vs downgrade for them has no relevance.

 

Affair up vs affair down is more relevant to the AP more than anyone else IMHO.

 

 

If your WS has been with you for any length of time and is not making any legitimate steps to leave, that means you are an affair down and they have no intentions of leaving their spouse for you. Even if you think you are younger, prettier, sexier etc.

 

Right. That's what I said earlier. Hurts but it's the truth.

Edited December 29, 2013 by Popsicle

[thecharade]

It is obvious that perception IS reality. End of story.

 

Individuals judge their own value, making each of us the very best. It should not matter if anybody else on this forum agrees. We know our own truths.

 

He cheated on you.

He kept you as a side piece.

He chose to break his vows for another woman.

He refused to leave his wife.

 

Ewwwww. He's the loser. Either way.

[yakamoz]

Hi OP. I am in a similar situation. I had a thread here last week which has been very helpful to me in sorting my emotions. I did not have an A yet and hopefully will get over my infatuation with my boss. The struggle has been painful but something happened last week which I think is relevant to your post. My boss is a very attractive man and what his wife looks like has always been a source of speculation in the office. No one has ever seen her. I have been close to him for 18 months and he discussed his marriage in our discussions but I have never seen her either (he has shown me his child's pics though). Him being so attractive I always thought she would be attractive. I know she doesn't have the job position or the educational level that I have but I always felt she would be pretty. So last week I met his wife during our Christmas party. It was the first time he attended anything with her. I was really surprised that she really was not that attractive at all. And in some strange way, this turned me off a little. I had put him up on such a high pedestal that it somehow disappointed me. I know it is strange and I am so confused. In any case this makes my job easier. My 2014 resolution is to stay away from him.

I don't believe there is any formula to this. What about OW who is married and doesn't want MM to leave his wife? How can anyone say this is affair up or down. Human relations are much more complicated than one can come up with a set formula.

[Got it]

Please. I don't agree with this and I did marry my MM. There is no comparison. It wasn't a competition.

[Journee]

Question:

Why are so many ow absolutely convinced that they are an "upgrade" , especially when they have never seen let alone met, the bw?

 

In the end, does it really matter? Perhaps it is some comfort to hold onto when the a doesn't result in the ws leaving his or the affair ends badly. Maybe it's a salve to ease the guilt over being the ow. Maybe it's the truth, maybe she really is an "upgrade". The fact is that she will never really know, as unless she knew the w before she was being weighed down by the affair, she won't really know what she is like.

Besides,how do you truly measure the worth of a person? Maybe ow is pretty, outgoing and has a great job, while the bs is a great mom, is also attractive and does a lot of volunteer work out I her community. Which is the better person? Do we put them on some sort of scale to measure their worth?

I do think, though, that the competition that both bs and ow feel towards each other is nasty.

 

 

I stopped reading right here. This is wonderful.

 

How do you measure someone's worth and who is an "upgrade" or "downgrade"? A BS is less than because they are deceived? An AP is less than because they are not "chosen", and then the opposite can be asked. It's awful to read thread after thread comparing who is skinnier, makes more money, who is younger, blah blah. It looks like affairs can hit any relationship. Sometimes people are that unhappy and should leave. Sometimes people are just plain selfish. Sometimes they get swept up. Some regret their choice, while some roll around in it like an animal. End the end does it matter? Does it make the affair an even halfway decent thing to do or participate in?

 

Let's try to figure out who is more deserving of the WS? Is that what it's about? With all the projection done on this site it's always this or that. It doesn't matter and cannot make for very peaceful night's of sleep comparing and contrasting on either end.

[happy stillmore]

There is really a simple formula taking place here.

 

 

If the AP is -

 

 

an upgrade = The WS starts packing bags, calling lawyers, finding a new pad, changing bank accounts/credit cards etc. often within weeks or a month of so of the first downstroke. Some WS cannot afford this.

 

 

a downgrade = WS works hard to maintain normalcy at home while keeping the AP hanging on for sex and ego strokes. Affairs are not always sex. They are emotional relationships. (and in the process uses excuses of kids, sick spouse, can't afford new home etc etc) a.k.a. family obligations

 

I think the problem with this question is the terms: upgrade and downgrade connotate good and bad things. To say one is a downgrade implies that person is less than another. Also, to say if (husband leaves) = upgrade and to say if (husband stays) = downgrade is not accurate. You can't apply this logic to all affairs as each situation is different. You are linking whether the WS leaves to the AP when in fact, the actions of the WS are not determined by whether one person is better than another. It is based on who he loves more, connects with more, wants to grow old with AND whether he has the ability to leave. In other words, the WS wants to be who he/she feels is better for him/her. His choice does not mean one person is better than another.

Most of all, what determines whether WS leaves is if he/she loves AP and he/she has the amount of courage needed to make a life change while knowingly hurting family and friends to pursue what they feel is happiness. The fear of the unknown often keeps WS right where they are.

 

We cannot speak in definitive terms and apply to all. situations are different: some WS are cake eaters, some WS leave for the AP, some stay in M out of cowardice or obligation.

Edited December 29, 2013 by happy stillmore

[oldshirt]

. You are linking whether the WS leaves to the AP when in fact, the actions of the WS are not determined by whether one person is better than another. It is based on who he loves more, connects with more, wants to grow old with AND whether he has the ability to leave. In other words, the WS wants to be who he/she feels is better for him/her. His choice does not mean one person is better than another.

.

 

 

 

It does to him/her.

 

 

If he/she didn't think the AP was 'better' than the BS he/she wouldn't leave.

 

 

If he/she does think the AP is 'better' they often do.

 

 

Again, the whole concept of 'better' or 'not better' is deeply rooted in the WS and has nothing to do with what other people think and certainly not be any kind of objective measure stick. That's all in the eyes, brain, heart and loins of the beholder.

[Aspasia33]

I am not in competition with my MM wife, and actually rarely think of her. And we rarely discuss her or their marriage.

And I do not compare my husband with my MM.

[Finally Settled]

I am currently divorced from the woman I cheated on for several years and now in a serious relationship with the woman I had the affair with. I would like to make several responses to the posters who have weighed in already.

 

Most married people are not serial cheaters and most affairs are given life when a perfect storm blows over the horizon. In this, I would agree that serial cheaters are more attracted to availability than anything, but I would also put forward that when a perfect storm hits an affair has more to do with attraction than availability. To define the word attraction in this context, I would offer that it may be either physical, emotional, or intellectual attraction. Another observation is that there are far fewer serial cheaters than there are those facing the perfect storm. I do not offer excuses for affairs, I am merely posting my opinion on the topic at hand.

 

To the poster who said that the married person would immediately move to leave their marriage; that is not the case at all. I, as an emotional weakling, created reason upon reason for staying in the marriage. I never offered my other woman a life with me and I honestly never envisioned a life where I was not in my marital home. That did not mean the love for my other woman was not fierce. It is a fallacy that married people would leave their marriages if they loved their affair partner enough. Married people are selfish and will normally take the path of least resistance. When my other woman offered me an ultimatum I chose to stay in the marital home. It was safer and it was easier. I loved my wife and I had lived the perception for so long I didn't know who I was without it. Staying was not a measurement of my love for the other woman, it was a measurement of my cowardice and cruelty to both women.

 

As most cheaters are not serial cheaters, it makes sense that many married affair partners enter into an affair for one attraction or another. It is quite possible that they are genuinely attracted to and smitten with their affair partner before it begins, and it is quite possible that true love ensues. It is often not a matter of ease and availability, but a matter of attraction.

 

Many posts in here are cruelly casting all other women as side pieces and low hanging fruit, but most of their affair partners have, or still do, love them with a similar intensity as they love, or have loved, their own wives. The other women and the wives are separate people with good and bad traits, both in character and in form. This does not mean one is an upgrade or a downgrade. These comments that are being lobbed around within this thread are cruel and unnecessary. My other woman is not any better than my wife than my wife is better than my other woman. They are individuals that I was lucky enough to know and to have relationships with. My actions hurt them both and I am learning to live with that. The downgrade at the time was me, not them.

[Baby123]

Not everyone wants an A in school, some people are happy with bs and cs and what's easiest to them.

 

People have different aims and objectives in life. Not everyone in striving to be or be with the 'same perfect person.'

[Aspasia33]

FS... Thank you for posting this... It truly humbled?( not sure if that is the right word) me...

It sums up very much my marriage.. And my MMs marriage.

Again, thank you for posting something so wise.

 

I am currently divorced from the woman I cheated on for several years and now in a serious relationship with the woman I had the affair with. I would like to make several responses to the posters who have weighed in already.

 

Most married people are not serial cheaters and most affairs are given life when a perfect storm blows over the horizon. In this, I would agree that serial cheaters are more attracted to availability than anything, but I would also put forward that when a perfect storm hits an affair has more to do with attraction than availability. To define the word attraction in this context, I would offer that it may be either physical, emotional, or intellectual attraction. Another observation is that there are far fewer serial cheaters than there are those facing the perfect storm. I do not offer excuses for affairs, I am merely posting my opinion on the topic at hand.

 

To the poster who said that the married person would immediately move to leave their marriage; that is not the case at all. I, as an emotional weakling, created reason upon reason for staying in the marriage. I never offered my other woman a life with me and I honestly never envisioned a life where I was not in my marital home. That did not mean the love for my other woman was not fierce. It is a fallacy that married people would leave their marriages if they loved their affair partner enough. Married people are selfish and will normally take the path of least resistance. When my other woman offered me an ultimatum I chose to stay in the marital home. It was safer and it was easier. I loved my wife and I had lived the perception for so long I didn't know who I was without it. Staying was not a measurement of my love for the other woman, it was a measurement of my cowardice and cruelty to both women.

 

As most cheaters are not serial cheaters, it makes sense that many married affair partners enter into an affair for one attraction or another. It is quite possible that they are genuinely attracted to and smitten with their affair partner before it begins, and it is quite possible that true love ensues. It is often not a matter of ease and availability, but a matter of attraction.

 

Many posts in here are cruelly casting all other women as side pieces and low hanging fruit, but most of their affair partners have, or still do, love them with a similar intensity as they love, or have loved, their own wives. The other women and the wives are separate people with good and bad traits, both in character and in form. This does not mean one is an upgrade or a downgrade. These comments that are being lobbed around within this thread are cruel and unnecessary. My other woman is not any better than my wife than my wife is better than my other woman. They are individuals that I was lucky enough to know and to have relationships with. My actions hurt them both and I am learning to live with that. The downgrade at the time was me, not them.

[Daisy2013]

I am currently divorced from the woman I cheated on for several years and now in a serious relationship with the woman I had the affair with. I would like to make several responses to the posters who have weighed in already.

 

Most married people are not serial cheaters and most affairs are given life when a perfect storm blows over the horizon. In this, I would agree that serial cheaters are more attracted to availability than anything, but I would also put forward that when a perfect storm hits an affair has more to do with attraction than availability. To define the word attraction in this context, I would offer that it may be either physical, emotional, or intellectual attraction. Another observation is that there are far fewer serial cheaters than there are those facing the perfect storm. I do not offer excuses for affairs, I am merely posting my opinion on the topic at hand.

 

To the poster who said that the married person would immediately move to leave their marriage; that is not the case at all. I, as an emotional weakling, created reason upon reason for staying in the marriage. I never offered my other woman a life with me and I honestly never envisioned a life where I was not in my marital home. That did not mean the love for my other woman was not fierce. It is a fallacy that married people would leave their marriages if they loved their affair partner enough. Married people are selfish and will normally take the path of least resistance. When my other woman offered me an ultimatum I chose to stay in the marital home. It was safer and it was easier. I loved my wife and I had lived the perception for so long I didn't know who I was without it. Staying was not a measurement of my love for the other woman, it was a measurement of my cowardice and cruelty to both women.

 

As most cheaters are not serial cheaters, it makes sense that many married affair partners enter into an affair for one attraction or another. It is quite possible that they are genuinely attracted to and smitten with their affair partner before it begins, and it is quite possible that true love ensues. It is often not a matter of ease and availability, but a matter of attraction.

 

Many posts in here are cruelly casting all other women as side pieces and low hanging fruit, but most of their affair partners have, or still do, love them with a similar intensity as they love, or have loved, their own wives. The other women and the wives are separate people with good and bad traits, both in character and in form. This does not mean one is an upgrade or a downgrade. These comments that are being lobbed around within this thread are cruel and unnecessary. My other woman is not any better than my wife than my wife is better than my other woman. They are individuals that I was lucky enough to know and to have relationships with. My actions hurt them both and I am learning to live with that. The downgrade at the time was me, not them.

 

 

I also thank you for this. It helps the ache in my heart and soul a little.

Edited December 29, 2013 by Daisy2013
spelling

[Popsicle]

I am currently divorced from the woman I cheated on for several years and now in a serious relationship with the woman I had the affair with. I would like to make several responses to the posters who have weighed in already.

 

Most married people are not serial cheaters and most affairs are given life when a perfect storm blows over the horizon. In this, I would agree that serial cheaters are more attracted to availability than anything, but I would also put forward that when a perfect storm hits an affair has more to do with attraction than availability. To define the word attraction in this context, I would offer that it may be either physical, emotional, or intellectual attraction. Another observation is that there are far fewer serial cheaters than there are those facing the perfect storm. I do not offer excuses for affairs, I am merely posting my opinion on the topic at hand.

 

To the poster who said that the married person would immediately move to leave their marriage; that is not the case at all. I, as an emotional weakling, created reason upon reason for staying in the marriage. I never offered my other woman a life with me and I honestly never envisioned a life where I was not in my marital home. That did not mean the love for my other woman was not fierce. It is a fallacy that married people would leave their marriages if they loved their affair partner enough. Married people are selfish and will normally take the path of least resistance. When my other woman offered me an ultimatum I chose to stay in the marital home. It was safer and it was easier. I loved my wife and I had lived the perception for so long I didn't know who I was without it. Staying was not a measurement of my love for the other woman, it was a measurement of my cowardice and cruelty to both women.

 

As most cheaters are not serial cheaters, it makes sense that many married affair partners enter into an affair for one attraction or another. It is quite possible that they are genuinely attracted to and smitten with their affair partner before it begins, and it is quite possible that true love ensues. It is often not a matter of ease and availability, but a matter of attraction.

 

Many posts in here are cruelly casting all other women as side pieces and low hanging fruit, but most of their affair partners have, or still do, love them with a similar intensity as they love, or have loved, their own wives. The other women and the wives are separate people with good and bad traits, both in character and in form. This does not mean one is an upgrade or a downgrade. These comments that are being lobbed around within this thread are cruel and unnecessary. My other woman is not any better than my wife than my wife is better than my other woman. They are individuals that I was lucky enough to know and to have relationships with. My actions hurt them both and I am learning to live with that. The downgrade at the time was me, not them.

 

Thank you so much for weighing in!!! You have helped a lot if people with this post I bet. It should be stickied!

[WrinkledForehead]

I am currently divorced from the woman I cheated on for several years and now in a serious relationship with the woman I had the affair with. I would like to make several responses to the posters who have weighed in already.

 

Most married people are not serial cheaters and most affairs are given life when a perfect storm blows over the horizon. In this, I would agree that serial cheaters are more attracted to availability than anything, but I would also put forward that when a perfect storm hits an affair has more to do with attraction than availability. To define the word attraction in this context, I would offer that it may be either physical, emotional, or intellectual attraction. Another observation is that there are far fewer serial cheaters than there are those facing the perfect storm. I do not offer excuses for affairs, I am merely posting my opinion on the topic at hand.

 

To the poster who said that the married person would immediately move to leave their marriage; that is not the case at all. I, as an emotional weakling, created reason upon reason for staying in the marriage. I never offered my other woman a life with me and I honestly never envisioned a life where I was not in my marital home. That did not mean the love for my other woman was not fierce. It is a fallacy that married people would leave their marriages if they loved their affair partner enough. Married people are selfish and will normally take the path of least resistance. When my other woman offered me an ultimatum I chose to stay in the marital home. It was safer and it was easier. I loved my wife and I had lived the perception for so long I didn't know who I was without it. Staying was not a measurement of my love for the other woman, it was a measurement of my cowardice and cruelty to both women.

 

As most cheaters are not serial cheaters, it makes sense that many married affair partners enter into an affair for one attraction or another. It is quite possible that they are genuinely attracted to and smitten with their affair partner before it begins, and it is quite possible that true love ensues. It is often not a matter of ease and availability, but a matter of attraction.

 

Many posts in here are cruelly casting all other women as side pieces and low hanging fruit, but most of their affair partners have, or still do, love them with a similar intensity as they love, or have loved, their own wives. The other women and the wives are separate people with good and bad traits, both in character and in form. This does not mean one is an upgrade or a downgrade. These comments that are being lobbed around within this thread are cruel and unnecessary. My other woman is not any better than my wife than my wife is better than my other woman. They are individuals that I was lucky enough to know and to have relationships with. My actions hurt them both and I am learning to live with that. The downgrade at the time was me, not them.

 

Thank you for posting this. I was an OW and my now bf chose to continue to develop his relationship with me. Obviously I deal with some insecurities because of this, but to see these words from someone who seems to respect his BS the same way my partner does is refreshing. The perspective is helpful.

 

Although the BS in our triangle isn't as pretty as me, I also have youth in my favor. Despite that, I've always said that BS must be a great lady for my partner to have been with her for so long. They had fundamental flaws in their relationship but that doesn't mean she's less of a woman than I am.

[yakamoz]

I am currently divorced from the woman I cheated on for several years and now in a serious relationship with the woman I had the affair with. I would like to make several responses to the posters who have weighed in already.

 

Most married people are not serial cheaters and most affairs are given life when a perfect storm blows over the horizon. In this, I would agree that serial cheaters are more attracted to availability than anything, but I would also put forward that when a perfect storm hits an affair has more to do with attraction than availability. To define the word attraction in this context, I would offer that it may be either physical, emotional, or intellectual attraction. Another observation is that there are far fewer serial cheaters than there are those facing the perfect storm. I do not offer excuses for affairs, I am merely posting my opinion on the topic at hand.

 

To the poster who said that the married person would immediately move to leave their marriage; that is not the case at all. I, as an emotional weakling, created reason upon reason for staying in the marriage. I never offered my other woman a life with me and I honestly never envisioned a life where I was not in my marital home. That did not mean the love for my other woman was not fierce. It is a fallacy that married people would leave their marriages if they loved their affair partner enough. Married people are selfish and will normally take the path of least resistance. When my other woman offered me an ultimatum I chose to stay in the marital home. It was safer and it was easier. I loved my wife and I had lived the perception for so long I didn't know who I was without it. Staying was not a measurement of my love for the other woman, it was a measurement of my cowardice and cruelty to both women.

 

As most cheaters are not serial cheaters, it makes sense that many married affair partners enter into an affair for one attraction or another. It is quite possible that they are genuinely attracted to and smitten with their affair partner before it begins, and it is quite possible that true love ensues. It is often not a matter of ease and availability, but a matter of attraction.

 

Many posts in here are cruelly casting all other women as side pieces and low hanging fruit, but most of their affair partners have, or still do, love them with a similar intensity as they love, or have loved, their own wives. The other women and the wives are separate people with good and bad traits, both in character and in form. This does not mean one is an upgrade or a downgrade. These comments that are being lobbed around within this thread are cruel and unnecessary. My other woman is not any better than my wife than my wife is better than my other woman. They are individuals that I was lucky enough to know and to have relationships with. My actions hurt them both and I am learning to live with that. The downgrade at the time was me, not them.

 

Thank you for posting this. I don't know how people come to conclusion that OWs are available or side pieces etc...when most people don't start the day thinking I go have an affair today. When I met MM the attraction between us was immediate and has been all consuming and all powerful since. How did he figure out I was available and had a low self esteem within 10 seconds of us meeting? How does a woman who never had any problems setting boundaries can't keep one with this one guy. I don't like accepting this to myself but I am probably already having an EA with him. So no, I don't feel like a low hanging fruit. The fact that I have been struggling to keep PA at bay shows I am not available. Still, he can't stay away. Sometimes in life we meet people we are immediately attracted and if this was 10 years ago when we were both single, I would have ended in a relationship with him.

Edited December 29, 2013 by yakamoz

[liloldlady]

 

To the poster who said that the married person would immediately move to leave their marriage; that is not the case at all. I, as an emotional weakling, created reason upon reason for staying in the marriage. I never offered my other woman a life with me and I honestly never envisioned a life where I was not in my marital home. That did not mean the love for my other woman was not fierce.

 

Thank you! You are making sense with this non-black/white thinking. My friend seems very loyal to the ol' lady he's shacking up with (loyal in his own peculiar way). Wouldn't you be toward someone who has provided for you in every material way for 1/2 a decade? But he's not the only one in their strange arrangement with secrets and lies, so I leave them to their business.

 

But my friend has it made. I live right around the corner. He wants keys to my apartment. He simply wants two girlfriends.

 

When my other woman offered me an ultimatum I chose to stay in the marital home. It was safer and it was easier.

 

Exactly. I'm not a chaser but if I were, I wouldn't pursue my friend on that level. And I think a huge part of his emotional make up, similar to yours, is that he's known that lady for decades. Me? Just since 2012.

 

Now if it was black/white, affair up/down, it would be easy for me to say, well, he was with her back in the day, left her for someone else, proposed to that woman but they didn't work out so now, after he's fallen on hard times, ol' girl moves across country to rescue him. Couldn't it be said that he settled for her?

 

The downgrade at the time was me, not them.

 

Awwwww.....

[liloldlady]

Although the BS in our triangle isn't as pretty as me, I also have youth in my favor.

 

And don't let anyone shame you into admitting that! It's simply an observation.

[liloldlady]

How did he figure out I was available and had a low self esteem within 10 seconds of us meeting?

 

Thank you! In our case, it could be my lack of availability that initially fueled him because he knows I truly love someone else -- some he's known for a very long time, so male competition might be present and motivate his desire for me.

 

How does a woman who never had any problems setting boundaries can't keep one with this one guy.

 

Tell me about it!!!! Preach! My friend is very persistent, does not take no for an answer.

 

I don't feel like a low hanging fruit.

 

Me, either. He's quite talented and lovely. I am not surprised that he's attracted to me.

 

The fact that I have been struggling to keep PA at bay shows I am not available. Still, he can't stay away.

 

I can relate.

[vanellope]

There is really a simple formula taking place here.

 

 

If the AP is -

 

 

an upgrade = The WS starts packing bags, calling lawyers, finding a new pad, changing bank accounts/credit cards etc. often within weeks or a month of so of the first downstroke.

 

 

a downgrade = WS works hard to maintain normalcy at home while keeping the AP hanging on for sex and ego strokes. (and in the process uses excuses of kids, sick spouse, can't afford new home etc etc)

 

the formula has many flaws here, using WS leave or not to define AP or BS who is better is rediculos.

 

it's complex situation, the WS do the decision is simple because he prefer this choice, and the choice is based on love and what need to scarify.

Edited December 29, 2013 by vanellope

[waterwoman]

I think it's a totally specious definition.

 

Up and down are relative positions. Obviously.

 

OW

Ups - she was younger and slimmer than me.

Downs - she leaves a little to be desired in the educational dept

 

Both of us are decent caring women or reasonable attractiveness (neither of us are going to win any beauty competitions!). He didn't want her instead of me, he wanted her as well as me. When he realised that wasn't going to happen he made his choice. Nothing to do with who was better or worse as there never was any competition.

[WasOtherWoman]

 

To the poster who said that the married person would immediately move to leave their marriage; that is not the case at all. I, as an emotional weakling, created reason upon reason for staying in the marriage. I never offered my other woman a life with me and I honestly never envisioned a life where I was not in my marital home. That did not mean the love for my other woman was not fierce. It is a fallacy that married people would leave their marriages if they loved their affair partner enough. Married people are selfish and will normally take the path of least resistance. When my other woman offered me an ultimatum I chose to stay in the marital home. It was safer and it was easier. I loved my wife and I had lived the perception for so long I didn't know who I was without it. Staying was not a measurement of my love for the other woman, it was a measurement of my cowardice and cruelty to both women.

 

.

 

While I do appreciate your honesty, I have to say that, as an Other Woman, your self-described "cowardice and cruelty" would not have appealed to me at all as it related to my evaluation of how you would be as a long term partner in life. When you truly love someone, you do NOT take the path of least resistance.

[Speakingofwhich]

Not the one I've read, but here it goes:

 

Cheating Survey Finds That People Cheat With People Less Attractive Than Their Spouses

 

If it's on huffpost it MUST be the gospel truth!

[Speakingofwhich]

Wow! if you think WS are always pining for the AP and are just staying 'for the kids' then you are the one that needs to get real.

.........................................................................................................

 

My point is, this is real life. It's discomforting and disturbing but it is the reality.

 

While these anecdotes are interesting and impressive (thanks for posting, I enjoy a variety of comments!) I have also known of many other situations where it has taken years for the WH to leave the BW and marry the OW. The one I know of that took the least time for WH to leave and marry OW (and it seemed he was absolutely moving "up," as his new W was better looking, more well educated, more talented, better personality, etc. than the old W) is the only one of the situations that didn't last. However, it lasted close to 15 years.

 

I also know of situations where the WH has agonized over leaving and has not left, when he has met someone "better", not because he wants to stay with BS but because his conscience and/or psyche will not allow him to leave.

 

One might ask how a man/woman who couldn't leave a spouse for religious reasons could live with his/her conscious while having an A, a reasonable question. One reason may be because having an A is not something they'd consider permanent and could ask forgiveness and get repentance for but leaving a M is permanent and therefore a more egregious sin. May not make sense to you or me but we all think differently!

 

I definitely believe there are plenty of men who meet someone "better" (in various situations this may present in various ways) and don't leave BW for other reasons.

[Arieswoman]

Oldshirt sums it up well in post #51.

 

If the MM really wants the OW he'll pack his bags pretty smartish. I know 4 divorced women whose WS's did that within 2 months of meeting the OW. They are all still with the OW.

 

They did their wives a favour by coming clean and leaving, giving their wives a chance to move on in the future with someone else.

 

I also know of 3 OW who are still waiting for their MM to make the jump. One has waited 7 years, one 15 years, and one 20 years.

 

One girl I knew was an OW for 25 years. (Yes, you read that right - 25 years) She finally realised when she woke up alone in bed on her 50th birthday that he wasn't leaving his BS any time soon.

 

"Cake-eating" is disrespectful to both BS and OW.

 

Perhaps we should swap the words "up/down" for "advantageous/disadvantageous" ?

[WasOtherWoman]

 

If the MM really wants the OW he'll pack his bags pretty smartish. birthday that he wasn't leaving his BS any time soon.

 

"Cake-eating" is disrespectful to both BS and OW.

 

Perhaps we should swap the words "up/down" for "advantageous/disadvantageous" ?

 

I was having a hard time with the terms "affair up/down", myself. I have been married to my affair partner for more than ten years, but I don't consider myself to be "better than" his XW, we are just different women. I like her, she is way more fun than I am!

 

I do totally agree, though, that if a MM really wants his OW he will make that happen. An OW that wishes for that to happen should accept no less.