I can't meet anyone that I like.

[rubie]

I know, very uninventive title for this thread but oh well. I'm tired and depressed and in pain.

So anyway, allow me to elaborate on what I mean by "I can't meet anyone that I like."

 

I have zero self esteem. I feel ugly most of the time, I feel like I don't fit with any particular crowd. I have abandoment issues due to the fact that it seems every person I meet and love as a friend or something more ends up leaving me when something better comes along - which hurts.

 

For example, if you want to, do a search on the topic here called "Love 'em and leave 'em." That was me back in August. About 13 pounds lighter with a little more self esteem than now, still getting left behind. The guy had even lied to me about his last name, as I later found out thanks to one of my friends.

 

So here is what I have learned about myself after one summer of drinking, sexoring a few guys and getting left by numerous others (including my best female friend whom I have known for the past 16 years - since we were 4.)

 

- I have a tendency to seek validation from EVERYONE. i.e.: I am self deprecating in a funny way as a means of getting someone to disagree with me to validate me.

 

- In seeking that validation, I am also prone to attract and get attached to bad men. The kind who "find 'em f*@^ 'em and forget 'em." Or guys that lie to me over and over again etc. You know my type. Needy. I need someone to validate me. [side note - I fear that when I find a decent guy, I will frighten him away because I will

need that validation so much.]

 

-Drinking makes me pretty. I have a load of self confidence when I am under the influence, which makes me easy. However, I have not had a sip of alcohol since the beginning of July.

 

I am exhausted right now so I am going to cut the list, and this thread, short. I feel like I came out of this summer knowing a lot more about myself and the world in general and also that I have some major issues with my so very distorted self image. This blurred image, I believe, is what makes it nearly impossible for me to meet someone decent.

 

I'm not looking for someone perfect, but I know what I want and don't want. I know what I am going to do with my life. My friends and family tell me I'm pretty and I get hit on at work and such, but I feel inadaquate anyway and I have yet to meet a man who doesn't treat me like I am trash.

 

I suppose I am just posing the question:

Does anyone here have any advice or any recommendations as to what I should do?

I know I need some sort of emotional therapy and such but as far as the whole relationship issue.

Let me add that I am 20, I live alone with my puppy and I have a wonderful family but I still get lonely and have nights, like this one, where I feel incredibly lonely and sad.

[jellybean]

You say you have a wonderful family and a PUPPY??!!!

 

You are sooooo friggin lucky - oh girl, you got everything you need .....

[moimeme]

I think you already know the answer. You need counselling to deal with your rotten self-image and your desperate need for validation. You can also deal with the relationship issue as part of that counselling, and certainly if your personal problems are fixed, relationships will be healthier. So quit moping about yourself and go find someone to help you sort yourself out!!

[rubie]

i need money in order to pay for professional help and i have exhausted the resources which are free, such as family and friends and coworkers and such who are all now tired of hearing me gripe.

[shachic]

if it makes u feel any better.....i feel almost the same way, i'm 27. :-(

 

tonight i feel incredibly lonely. I haen't had a boyfriend for a few years....mostly b/c

i can't find anyone i really like.

 

I do like one particular guy....actually, i like him more than anyone i've liked before, and very strongly....but u know what..? he's not ready for a relationship. so...go figure.

 

its just tough man....so tough.

 

just like u....i have an awesome family....i live alone w/ my cat. I meet a lotta guys...and even date some...but i just don't like them enough. the one guy I do like...the one i mentioned above.....well, we're friends, but i dont' get to see him often enough.

 

sigh.

 

today i feel more lonely than ever, mostly cos i'm sick, and can't get outta the house to do anything fun...and its friday night :-(

[7on]

I know I had very low self esteem. However, everyday I'd just look in the mirror and say "sexy" even though I knew it wasn't true. If you say something enough, you'll believe it.

 

Also probably the reason you can't get guys is because you think you're ugly. Nothing excites a guy more than confidence. If you act like you could do better than someone you're interested with then that'll drive that guy wild.

 

Drinking to make yourself pretty is never the answer. You said you've had none since July, and that's good.

 

Just start acting like you own the world. That helped me in HS to be more open and socialize more.

[VercigenariX]

Originally posted by rubie

i need money in order to pay for professional help and i have exhausted the resources which are free, such as family and friends and coworkers and such who are all now tired of hearing me gripe.

 

Professional Help? Why waste money on someone who is going to help you validate your problems by giving it an official label, when you have all of the tools necessary to heal yourself ? I actually have a friend who was/is exactly like you, in a self depreciating low self esteem sort of way, but fortunatelly there is a cure for that.

 

I can't possibly fit the whole solution in one post and have you actually be attentive enough to read it. If you feel the need to contact me, please do so. All the advice i can give you in this one post is that you have no business looking for a mate until you've learned to appreciate and embrace the omnipotence that is yourself.

 

When you've learned, and validated for yourself that every single thing about you, every imperfection, and boring miniscule detail of your personality, likes and dislikes is absolutely fantastic, for the simple fact that you are you, then inflict your self worth upon others, and radiate the lives of others with your personal strength, and not your emotional baggage.

 

Sound a little rough around the edges. Its supposed to. But if you want to feel confident, loved, important, and most of all validated without the help and influence of others, you have to go through the slow and painful process of self validation. It also helps to have someone on your side, which I kinda am

[moimeme]

I just love how people trash professionals because they give advice and then proceed to give advice themselves.

 

Are you a member of a church? If so, there will be people there who can help you for free. If you have a job, there is likely a counsellor you can see there for free. If you're at school, they have counsellors.

 

You can get books about developing self-esteem, but often people can't just fix their own selves and need professionals to help guide them out of the mental mazes they are stuck in.

 

If the above suggestions are all not feasible, then call your local social services agency - there is usually free help to be had, it just takes a little more looking.

[jellybean]

Who's trashing professionals???

 

Let's get REAL here...a 20 yr girl who hasn't found 'Mr Right' is NOT necessarily someone who is suffering major conflict in her life...but if that somehow makes her a good candidate for counselling - then sure, she should go for it, what the hell......

 

I gotta agree with VercigenariX tho - there's a thousand other viable solutions in her case.

 

She's got that great family of her's and a PUPPY!!! millions of women would LOVE to be in her shoes....maybe it all comes down to gratitude.....

[VercigenariX]

Originally posted by moimeme

I just love how people trash professionals because they give advice and then proceed to give advice themselves.

 

Its not necessarily the professionals that I am trashing, as much as the impractical use of them. You don't go to the doctor if you have a paper cut, and you dont go to a counselor just because you feel bad about yourself. See if you can really and truly help yourself before exhausting your time and resources in someone elses services.

[Merin]

:Merin's getting deep:

 

Follow me for a moment... don't let the monkey jammies scare you... I've only been up a few hours...

 

The title of your thread is "I can't find anyone I like" :double checks: that is the title right?

 

Rubie... it isn't that you can't find anyone you like... (this is where Merin attempts to be deep) it's that you haven't found what YOU like about YOURSELF.

 

Ta Da!

 

Learning to like (LOVE) yourself and enjoy your own company would be an amazing step for you...

 

You've already figured out what you don't like... so there is hope in changing those things... NOW look deeper and figure out what you do like about yourself:)

 

Sorry about the jammies...

[Mustard Bomb]

I respect your point, but this sounds much more severe than a papercut. Depression is a huge >physical/chemical< problem, partly characterized by one's inability to see or act outside of it. With some cases, people who are depressed are as able to start loving live and feeling gratitude as much as someone with a broken leg is able to just get up and walk.

 

I obviously don't know if this is the case here, but why not see a professional and rule it out? That's the expedient and logical thing to do, imo.

 

rubie, your solution may be simply chemical, but either way you need some help to feel happier. dependingon where you live, there should be free agencies/clinics that can at least refer you. have you tried a google search for them? if you give your vague location, people here might be able to assist your search.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by rubie

Let me add that I am 20, I live alone with my puppy and I have a wonderful family but I still get lonely and have nights, like this one, where I feel incredibly lonely and sad.

 

this is all part and parcel of being 20 yrs old. For most people it is the worst time of their lives. Trust me on this.

 

You'll figure it out as you get older.

[k57]

Beautiful rant. Thanks.

[moimeme]

you dont go to a counselor just because you feel bad about yourself.

 

I agree that this is more than a 'paper cut' or 'just feeling bad about herself'. She's got a lot of issues and the desperate desire for validation is a fairly serious one. I think you do her a disservice to dismiss her issues so coldly. To recap:

 

I- have zero self esteem. I feel ugly most of the time, I feel like I don't fit with any particular crowd. I have abandoment issues due to the fact that it seems every person I meet and love as a friend or something more ends up leaving me when something better comes along - which hurts.

- I have a tendency to seek validation from EVERYONE. i.e.: I am self deprecating in a funny way as a means of getting someone to disagree with me to validate me.

- In seeking that validation, I am also prone to attract and get attached to bad men. The kind who "find 'em f*@^ 'em and forget 'em." Or guys that lie to me over and over again etc. You know my type. Needy. I need someone to validate me.

-Drinking makes me pretty.

[Mr Spock]

I know, very uninventive title for this thread but oh well. I'm tired and depressed and in pain.

So anyway, allow me to elaborate on what I mean by "I can't meet anyone that I like

 

I remember you, and I liked you. Fell through the cracks you did, in my memory. Welcome back to LS.

 

I have zero self esteem. I feel ugly most of the time, I feel like I don't fit with any particular crowd. I have abandoment issues due to the fact that it seems every person I meet and love as a friend or something more ends up leaving me when something better comes along - which hurts.

 

Lots and lots of people never feel they fit in with a particular crowd. When I was younger I felt that way, simply because I didn't really fit 'IN' anywhere-that changes as you grow and learn to make your own crowd, and surround yourself with people that care about you. It will happen, you're a normal person with normal people issues. Normal people battle self esteem, normal people make and lose friends. It's almost a transition stage-you WILL start to make friends that stick around. Once you find yourself, and believe in yourself 100 percent. I understand how you feel because although some find me obnoxious and even perhaps loud or crude the people who are my friends LOVE me because I am who I am. You will find people like that as soon as you figure out who you are, and stop acting to please others.

 

For example, if you want to, do a search on the topic here called "Love 'em and leave 'em." That was me back in August. About 13 pounds lighter with a little more self esteem than now, still getting left behind. The guy had even lied to me about his last name, as I later found out thanks to one of my friends.

 

 

That's because men tend to be jerks. Have you read "He's just not that into you?" yet? It will at least make you laugh while providing you with warning signs of who likes you and who is wasting your time.

 

So here is what I have learned about myself after one summer of drinking, sexoring a few guys and getting left by numerous others (including my best female friend whom I have known for the past 16 years - since we were 4.)

 

- I have a tendency to seek validation from EVERYONE. i.e.: I am self deprecating in a funny way as a means of getting someone to disagree with me to validate me.

 

It takes time to learn when you have low self esteem that you don't have to sleep with men to get them to like you :-) Some girls NEVER learn. The self depricating thing is OK-you have to be able to laugh at yourself. If you were the rail thin girl complaining about love handles you'd be irritating, and if you didn't make it into a joke you'd be utterly depressing. The thing to remember is that regardless of what you look like you are YOU and that makes you fabulous. I know that sounds corny, but if you say it enough times to yourself it will help you out in the end. "Those people don't want me around? F*ck em....I'm GREAT" it really helps stop you from feeling needy when you do that.

 

- In seeking that validation, I am also prone to attract and get attached to bad men. The kind who "find 'em f*@^ 'em and forget 'em." Or guys that lie to me over and over again etc. You know my type. Needy. I need someone to validate me. [side note - I fear that when I find a decent guy, I will frighten him away because I will

need that validation so much.]

 

Just wait until you start humping unavailable men. Please, don't.

 

-Drinking makes me pretty. I have a load of self confidence when I am under the influence, which makes me easy. However, I have not had a sip of alcohol since the beginning of July.

 

You just have to learn how to party:) If you're doing things you feel are stupid when you drink, cut down on it a bit. Booze doesn't really change who we are or what we want to do it just lowers our inhibitions enough so we can DO them. I don't like to dance sober but if I'm drunk I LOVE it because I don't care what's jiggling or moving. You're normal. You're not a freak. You're not bad.

 

I am exhausted right now so I am going to cut the list, and this thread, short. I feel like I came out of this summer knowing a lot more about myself and the world in general and also that I have some major issues with my so very distorted self image. This blurred image, I believe, is what makes it nearly impossible for me to meet someone decent.

 

I'm not looking for someone perfect, but I know what I want and don't want. I know what I am going to do with my life. My friends and family tell me I'm pretty and I get hit on at work and such, but I feel inadaquate anyway and I have yet to meet a man who doesn't treat me like I am trash.

 

I suppose I am just posing the question:

Does anyone here have any advice or any recommendations as to what I should do?

I know I need some sort of emotional therapy and such but as far as the whole relationship issue.

Let me add that I am 20, I live alone with my puppy and I have a wonderful family but I still get lonely and have nights, like this one, where I feel incredibly lonely and sad.

 

 

All I can really say is don't get anymore pets. And that looking for a boyfriend to fill the void in your life that you are feeling is only going to put you in the path of more jerks. You really need to "find out who you are" find out where you fit in-in your OWN mind. I'm sorry if that sounds cliche or tired but I can't explain it any better. There is no garuntee that you'll stop dating or sleeping with assh*les even if you do though, which is why it's important to be happy with yourself.

 

Cheer up-ALWAYS light at the end of the tunnel.

[ex]

Rubie,

 

I think the professional help is absolutely key. I'm 34, and I've often felt the way you do. I never sought counseling, because I felt like I couldn't afford it, didn't want to admit I couldn't "fix" myself, and was turned off by the idea of meds - refused to believe I was somehow off in terms of brain chemistry. Well, I had several huge crises recently, and having experienced the most abject feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness ever in my life, felt like I had to do everything possible that just even MIGHT help.

 

I am so glad that I decided to bite the money bullet and seek out a shrink. Would I rather buy cool stuff with my hard earned money? Yes. It sucks that I have to blow huge wads of cash on therapy. But hello, what could possibly be more important than my good self-esteem and mental health? If nothing else, having regular visits with a shrink keeps me very focused on the most important thing I can do for myself right now - nurturing my poor self-esteem. No more being in denial about the fact that I have a strong tendency to get depressed, or that I can somehow make myself happy via achievements.

 

I'm also doing a lot of research on depression, self-esteem, therapy, meds, etc. Did you know that if you don't medically treat a depressive episode, there's an x% increased chance you'll get depressed again? The percentage keeps going up for everytime one suffers through untreated depression. By the time you've had 3 depressive episodes, there's a 90% chance it'll happen again.

 

So I had a hard time also with the idea of taking meds. I don't want to believe I was born with some sort of chemical imbalance in my brain - that makes me feel like a freak. And I don't want to be on meds forever. But the doc explained away all my reservations: not necessarily true in same amounts for everyone, but when I suffer high stress, anxiety, big crisis, low self-esteem - these trigger brain chemical imbalances. Humans respond to their environment. If you feel fear or excitement or pain, your body reacts by pumping out different levels of hormones and whatnot... in a similar way, there are various triggers for depression, and for many of us, anti-depressant meds are going to expedite the healing. My shrink estimates 6-12 months of meds for me.

 

"I know I need some sort of emotional therapy and such but as far as the whole relationship issue."

 

But it's precisely the "emotional therapy" that will fix the "whole relationship issue." Haven't you heard the expression that "no one will love you until you love yourself"? It's absolutely true.

 

 

"This blurred image, I believe, is what makes it nearly impossible for me to meet someone decent."

 

So you actually knew that already.

 

 

"I know what I am going to do with my life."

 

Yep, at 20, I felt mega self-possessed, and unlike smart you, wasn't even really aware I had self-esteem issues. In fact for the most part, I was super arrogant in my 20s: went to an ivy league school, felt desirable because I could get hot men to sleep with me, went to #1 ranked grad shool for my field, started earning six figures, found a loving boyfriend... then it all bottomed out for me about a month ago. My darkest moment came after my relationship ended, but it was more that the breakup made me somehow realize that many of my life choices stemmed from very poor self esteem, and those choices had only served to weaken the very fragile self esteem. I can't pretend I'm a hotshot anymore: I decided I didn't want to continue with my old line of work (jobless), I've come home to stay with mom (homeless), and no significant other and no friends left in hometown (alone). Gotta rebuild my identity basically from scratch, as I've realized I'll never be happy until I really deal with the low self esteem and depression issues.

 

You're 20! You're so smart and self-aware about your issues. Don't treat your self-esteem issues as secondary to your feelings of loneliness - don't live in denial like I did. The most important thing you can do in your life is to learn to be comfortable with yourself. Mental health professionals help. Meds help. Books help. (Until about a month ago, I didn't realize that "self-esteem" was actually a term in the psychology world. If you do a search for "self-esteem" on amazon.com, literally thousands of titles pop up. You can skim through the first few pages of most and see which ones appeal most to you. I found a few that read more like textbooks than self-help books, but that's just my preference. Many of these books have cognitive therapy exercises, which I have found to be immensely helpful.) Exercise helps. Conversations with trusted friends help. Taking good care of yourself in every way helps. I think these forums help.

 

I hope this helps.