Possible to have kids post-affair?

[peruano99]

Compulsive dancer...is there a way I can send a message on here to your husband or you ? I have a couple of questions.

Edited December 28, 2013 by peruano99

[BrokenPrincess]

The only times I've known couples that felt they were "ready" for kids were in their early/mid 30s. And not A couples per se but just generally they BOTH felt emotionally ready, financially (or close enough, not totally broke), relationships stable, careers underway etc. those that started in their 20s found out fast when the baby arrived thru the first couple years that they probably weren't ready. It is a HUGE adjustment and you really can't underestimate what it can do to your M. Also IME men don't really get the clock thing and don't compute the reality of timelines like in order to have 3 kids, you'd prob want to start trying really soon.

 

Have you actually talked to your H about it again recently or are you feeling a little eggshell like after he sort of ambiguously pushed it out?

[compulsivedancer]

Compulsive dancer...is there a way I can send a message on here to your husband or you ? I have a couple of questions.

 

If you scroll over my name to the left of my posts, it should give you the option to PM me. I think you can do that after you've been a member for 1 month.

 

You can always try PMing H. I think he's been on here long enough, but I don't know if he'll respond. He does lurk a bit, but gets on infrequently at best.

[compulsivedancer]

The only times I've known couples that felt they were "ready" for kids were in their early/mid 30s. And not A couples per se but just generally they BOTH felt emotionally ready, financially (or close enough, not totally broke), relationships stable, careers underway etc. those that started in their 20s found out fast when the baby arrived thru the first couple years that they probably weren't ready. It is a HUGE adjustment and you really can't underestimate what it can do to your M. Also IME men don't really get the clock thing and don't compute the reality of timelines like in order to have 3 kids, you'd prob want to start trying really soon.

 

Have you actually talked to your H about it again recently or are you feeling a little eggshell like after he sort of ambiguously pushed it out?

 

We talk about these things all the time. This is a big concern for me, and was my only condition for reconciliation (sorry, Betrayed, too late!). I told him if he didn't think he could have kids with me, then I didn't think I could live with that, and that he should tell me now.

[lollipopspot]

One day God decided it was time and wallaw our daughter came along.

 

 

A couple years later we were in the worst possible situation to have any more kids and wallaw, he comes our son.

 

This has to be corrected. Voila.

[compulsivedancer]

I'm not terribly concerned about fitting in enough kids (though I'd like to have more than one if possible, and have them when I'm young enough that I don't have to stress birth defects.)

 

Since my miscarriage, I have had an ache for kids that has not really lessened; actually, I think it's grown. It's like a hole inside me. I don't want to feel that for the rest of my life. H read my thread this morning and reminded me that it's possible that having kids won't make that go away, and I may have to accept that it'll be there forever. I've lived with it four years now; I can continue to wait, but I'm not sure if I can stand waiting without hope for kids in the future.

[KathyM]

I think you should use this time to get IC, as well as MC, and investigate through counseling this hole that you feel inside that you are expecting children will fill. A lot of times, people think children are going to heal a marriage or fill a void, and then they are sorely disappointed when it doesn't. I'm guessing there is something missing within yourself that caused you to look to others to fill the void, and may also be creating this rush for children at a time when your attention needs to be on repairing the broken marriage. I suggest exploring this with your individual counselor. I hear of so many people in counseling struggling with this very issue, where they feel some kind of emptiness (usually stemming from unmet needs in childhood), and they think having a child is going to somehow fill that emptiness. Then they find that the child is not/cannot fill that need, since the child has mainly needs of his own, and is not capable of healing whatever was missing within the mother to begin with.

[Darth Vader]

I get that. What worries me is that we will NEVER have kids, that they will be put on hold indefinitely.

 

I guess part of what I'm asking is, WHEN can I think about/plan for kids?

 

 

EASY! YOU CAN'T!

[KathyM]

I would also agree with your husband that having children may not fill the void or loss that you experienced from the miscarriage. That is a loss that you will not be able to fill, but rather can only process your feelings about, grieve and come to a level of acceptance. That may also be something you should go into with your IC. Sometimes people have children and wonder why they still feel this tremendous loss from a prior miscarriage that they thought having more children would alleviate. I just feel like you're not at all in the right frame of mind to rush into a pregnancy at this point or in the very near future. Too much has happened, and needs to be processed in counseling. The marriage is also too fragile at this point.

[Darth Vader]

H and I are about 11 months past DDay. I will turn 30 this summer (he'll be 29 this spring), and we had always said we'd have kids before we turned 30. Obviously we are not going to make this date (certainly not before I turn 30!)

 

We are finally at the place that we wanted to be at in order to have kids: I have a decent job, we are buying a house, his career is going pretty well, and we are okay financially. H has always been very specific in his requirements to have kids and keeps pushing back the date, to the point where I had started to worry that we'd never get around to having them. (We want three, so the 30 deadline makes a lot of sense, if we want any space between them).

 

I always figured we'd have kids by now, but wasn't in a big hurry. About four years ago I had a miscarriage that kind of changed everything for me, and made me want kids very badly. Unfortunately, H did not change along with me, and anyhow, we didn't really have the finances before. This has been an endless source of frustration for me over the years.

 

Obviously, everything is still very much up in the air because of my A. Clearly, we don't want to have kids until we feel like we are well and truly reconciled, but it sounds like that could easily be another 1-3 years from now!

 

And there is also the chance that H could decide that he is unable to reconcile at any point in that time frame.

 

H knows that staying with me means kids, but who knows when he'll be ready. I am scared that in choosing to stay with H, I am choosing not to have kids (any time soon, if ever).

 

I guess the question is: Is it possible to have kids after an affair?

 

Please, keep advice helpful. I don't need to hear "you should just get a divorce" over and over, or "you brought this on yourself." I understand that, and it's not helpful for this thread.

 

 

I understand the apprehension of your husband as he realizes that he'll have to tolerate what he had to suffer because of you, whereas if he doesn't have kids with you now, he understands he can make a very clean break from you! Can you blame him in not wanting to be tied down to you? Think about it if you were in his shoes, wife rides another man, lies about it and now she want children this quickly?! Lady, you're moving wayyyyyyyyy to fast here! It's clear your Husband's NOT recovered from your affair!some say it take about 3 to 5 years, bare minimum to recover! And still some marriages don't make it after that!

[compulsivedancer]

I think you should use this time to get IC, as well as MC, and investigate through counseling this hole that you feel inside that you are expecting children will fill. A lot of times, people think children are going to heal a marriage or fill a void, and then they are sorely disappointed when it doesn't. I'm guessing there is something missing within yourself that caused you to look to others to fill the void, and may also be creating this rush for children at a time when your attention needs to be on repairing the broken marriage. I suggest exploring this with your individual counselor. I hear of so many people in counseling struggling with this very issue, where they feel some kind of emptiness (usually stemming from unmet needs in childhood), and they think having a child is going to somehow fill that emptiness. Then they find that the child is not/cannot fill that need, since the child has mainly needs of his own, and is not capable of healing whatever was missing within the mother to begin with.

 

When I talk about this hole or void, it is very specifically tied to kids. I never experienced it prior to the miscarriage. It is very specifically a yearning to be a mother. Sometimes I cry when I see babies. This never existed before that. I was never particularly concerned about having kids before that and figured I'd get around to it when it was time.

 

I do want to clarify: I'm not looking to get pregnant in the next year or two. I just want to know whether it will still be a possibility for us. And see if there are any couples out there (like Bittersweetie) who've gotten pregnant, how soon, and how it went.

[Darth Vader]

We talk about these things all the time. This is a big concern for me, and was my only condition for reconciliation (sorry, Betrayed, too late!). I told him if he didn't think he could have kids with me, then I didn't think I could live with that, and that he should tell me now.

 

 

Hmmm, Cheaters don't get to make ultimatums for reconciliation, BS's do! More selfishness here!

[Darth Vader]

When I talk about this hole or void, it is very specifically tied to kids. I never experienced it prior to the miscarriage. It is very specifically a yearning to be a mother. Sometimes I cry when I see babies. This never existed before that. I was never particularly concerned about having kids before that and figured I'd get around to it when it was time.

 

I do want to clarify: I'm not looking to get pregnant in the next year or two. I just want to know whether it will still be a possibility for us. And see if there are any couples out there (like Bittersweetie) who've gotten pregnant, how soon, and how it went.

 

 

It may be very possible you're still grieving the loss of your child! Have you even had counseling for your loss?

[Fluttershy]

For all of you with serious comprehension problems, CD said she wanted to know if one day kids could be a possibility and if someone on here had kids AFTER infidelity. She made it pretty clear that she doesn't mean she is gonna go get knocked up tomorrow. And for those who want to kick her and get your digs in about her PAST. Shame on you, she isn't your WS. And she isn't living the WS lifestyle anymore.

 

CD, i agree with those that say revisit this. And don't let birth defects scare you. I know lots of women, actually all the older mom's i know, who's children were born healthy. People worry also so much about decreasing fertility and I think that often affects things too! And don't worry about the hole. It isn't just the miscarrige but also nature. Your biological clock is going crazy. I had a very strong one and now I have two beauitful children and am content with that. Yeah parenthood is a challenge but for me it was something I really wanted and thoroughly enjoy.

 

Lets say in two years you talk to your husband about having kids. He agrees to go for it and it takes you a year to get pregnant. So in four years from now you have a baby. Still plenty of time before menapause to have another. I'm sorry I can't think of any people havin kids post infidelity most because all the people who went through it and are still married were sone having kids.

 

If your husband says he will stay with you but there is no future possibility of children you need to decided if 40+ years of it being just the two of you is what you want in life. Love isn't always enough.

[Darth Vader]

It may be very possible you're still grieving the loss of your child! Have you even had counseling for your loss?

 

 

A hole or void if you will can be indicative of a loss!

[Fluttershy]

Hmmm, Cheaters don't get to make ultimatums for reconciliation, BS's do! More selfishness here!

 

Cheaters most defintely can make ultimatiums. And they can also chose not to stay married. It is called free will and it isn't given up.

 

By ultimatiums I mean:

 

"i will not stay with you if there is 0 possibility of children"

"I will not stay with you if you do not seek help for _____"

"I will not stay with you if you CONTINUE in your Ra"

[Darth Vader]

For all of you with serious comprehension problems, CD said she wanted to know if one day kids could be a possibility and if someone on here had kids AFTER infidelity. She made it pretty clear that she doesn't mean she is gonna go get knocked up tomorrow. And for those who want to kick her and get your digs in about her PAST. Shame on you, she isn't your WS. And she isn't living the WS lifestyle anymore.

 

CD, i agree with those that say revisit this. And don't let birth defects scare you. I know lots of women, actually all the older mom's i know, who's children were born healthy. People worry also so much about decreasing fertility and I think that often affects things too! And don't worry about the hole. It isn't just the miscarrige but also nature. Your biological clock is going crazy. I had a very strong one and now I have two beauitful children and am content with that. Yeah parenthood is a challenge but for me it was something I really wanted and thoroughly enjoy.

 

Lets say in two years you talk to your husband about having kids. He agrees to go for it and it takes you a year to get pregnant. So in four years from now you have a baby. Still plenty of time before menapause to have another. I'm sorry I can't think of any people havin kids post infidelity most because all the people who went through it and are still married were sone having kids.

 

If your husband says he will stay with you but there is no future possibility of children you need to decided if 40+ years of it being just the two of you is what you want in life. Love isn't always enough.

 

 

Nevertheless, past infidelity can be a show stopper when considering raising a family! As it's clearly indicated that her Husband is hesitant about having children at this time! It all ties into the present!

[Darth Vader]

Cheaters most defintely can make ultimatiums. And they can also chose not to stay married. It is called free will and it isn't given up.

 

By ultimatiums I mean:

 

"i will not stay with you if there is 0 possibility of children"

"I will not stay with you if you do not seek help for _____"

"I will not stay with you if you CONTINUE in your Ra"

 

 

Uh huh, yeah, and add insult to injury in the process! Cheaters do give up a lot, but, enough of this banter, it's getting the thread off topic!

[Fluttershy]

Nevertheless, past infidelity can be a show stopper when considering raising a family! As it's clearly indicated that her Husband is hesitant about having children at this time! It all ties into the present!

 

Yes but people are all different. He could already know kids are out forever. Or he could hope one day they will be at a place to have children. Or he may just not know. If the first she needs to accept that and not hope for him to change but rather decide on either ending the marriage or accepting no kids ever. If the middle and the last she can revisit it in a year or so and ask again how he feels. That way she won't be pressuring him but as guys don't have child bearing years or biological clocks sometimes they need to be reminded.

[Fluttershy]

Uh huh, yeah, and add insult to injury in the process! Cheaters do give up a lot, but, enough of this banter, it's getting the thread off topic!

 

CD is 11 months past DDay. If her H was being any of my examples she most certainly has the right to stand up for themselves. I'd never expext my spouse to put up with poor behaviour or my wat or the highway for the rest of our marriage. In regards to things related to the cheating then of course my way or the highway is fine. But things like abuse, withholding sex permantly, revenge affairs, never having children, money, big life descisons affecting both of us... We are still equals and will remain so. Sometimes it seems like many a BS is turn into an entitled monster. It is sad what affairs do to people.

 

Sorry CD for the topic jump.

[KathyM]

When I talk about this hole or void, it is very specifically tied to kids. I never experienced it prior to the miscarriage. It is very specifically a yearning to be a mother. Sometimes I cry when I see babies. This never existed before that. I was never particularly concerned about having kids before that and figured I'd get around to it when it was time.

 

I do want to clarify: I'm not looking to get pregnant in the next year or two. I just want to know whether it will still be a possibility for us. And see if there are any couples out there (like Bittersweetie) who've gotten pregnant, how soon, and how it went.

I think it's too soon after the affair to be asking your husband to make that kind of decision/commitment. He hasn't processed the affair yet. It's not a good idea to expect or pressure him for a decision on this at this point.

 

 

My sister did go on to reconcile her marriage after her husband cheated on her, and she had two children about six years after his affair. She was younger than you, though, so she had more time to work through the affair before having children. Unfortunately, he cheated on her again after the kids were in middle school and high school, but in any case, she would not have been psychologically ready to have children with him for at least a few years after the affair. She was an emotional basketcase that could barely function after finding out about the affair, and continued to be for at least a year after that. She wasn't in any condition emotionally to deal with a pregnancy or children for a few years after the affair. I don't believe either you or your husband are ready for this kind of decision anytime within the next year. Just focus on going through MC and IC and fix your marriage. You can't build a house on a crumbled foundation. You have to fix the foundation first.

[compulsivedancer]

Yes but people are all different. He could already know kids are out forever. Or he could hope one day they will be at a place to have children. Or he may just not know. If the first she needs to accept that and not hope for him to change but rather decide on either ending the marriage or accepting no kids ever. If the middle and the last she can revisit it in a year or so and ask again how he feels. That way she won't be pressuring him but as guys don't have child bearing years or biological clocks sometimes they need to be reminded.

 

He does want to have kids, but not until he is sure that he wants to stay with me. One of my fears is that three years from now he'll realize he can't reconcile with me and I'll have lost him AND most of my child-bearing years (by the time I could find a partner to have kids with).

 

I love H very much, and I am sure that if things work out, we will have kids eventually. He DOES want kids, but he wants them in that abstract "of course I want kids" sort of way. I guess I'm just being impatient and I want to know NOW.

[Darth Vader]

He does want to have kids, but not until he is sure that he wants to stay with me. One of my fears is that three years from now he'll realize he can't reconcile with me and I'll have lost him AND most of my child-bearing years (by the time I could find a partner to have kids with).

 

I love H very much, and I am sure that if things work out, we will have kids eventually. He DOES want kids, but he wants them in that abstract "of course I want kids" sort of way. I guess I'm just being impatient and I want to know NOW.

 

 

That is exactly what I was conveying, including your feelings as well to the situation!

[road]

He does want to have kids, but not until he is sure that he wants to stay with me. One of my fears is that three years from now he'll realize he can't reconcile with me and I'll have lost him AND most of my child-bearing years (by the time I could find a partner to have kids with).

 

I love H very much, and I am sure that if things work out, we will have kids eventually. He DOES want kids, but he wants them in that abstract "of course I want kids" sort of way. I guess I'm just being impatient and I want to know NOW.

 

 

 

As I was reading the thread an catching up I was going to raise this point also. There are no guarantees to recovery's working out. During the 2 to 5 years that recovery takes either spouse can throw in the towel. It has been known to happen before.

[bubbaganoosh]

Your putting the cart before the horse. It would be a good idea for you to try to put your marriage back on track before you start thinking about children or a dog or cat.

 

For some reason I don't think you realize the extent of damage you did by having an affair. Your assuming that just because he's still there means that he'll work it out.

 

There's a good chance he's still trying to process the mess you made and if anyone pulls up stakes and has to make new living arrangements, it could very well be you.

 

If it was me, you would be the one out the door. My advice is to not bring up kids but at least make an attempt to show some remorse and try to seek forgiveness.