turnera Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 Well I don't even really have a problem with financial support, I'm finishing school this year and I'm planning on getting a good job. I just have other things going on right now, it's not uncommon to be uninvolved is it?What do you mean? Uninvolved as in, not wanting to be in your child's life? Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 I think your child would rather you be part of its life then write a check every month. While its true that men do often bail when they learn of impending fatherhood, I wouldnt advise you to follow those scumbags example. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 Assuming your GF wants to keep the baby, your choice to want it or not has passed. So you have to take control of what is within YOUR control. - if you have rage/aggression issues, you need to get back into counseling, child or no child. - paternity test - decide if you want to move forward with your gf after she cheated, child or no child. - decide WITH YOUR COUNSELOR whether it is in yours and the baby's best interest to be present in the baby's life, and how to best do that, assuming the baby is yours. - be there for your mom. Help her all you can. But her life is ultimately her choice, and it is not your responsibility to make her leave. This is another issue to talk to your counselor about, and maybe even inspire your mom to see a counselor herself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 Get a paternity test. It's better to know now before it's too late. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted December 31, 2013 Author Share Posted December 31, 2013 I don't know if I mentioned it, but she says she's three months along. I haven't been seeing her much lately. Link to post Share on other sites
Eggplant Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 Well I don't even really have a problem with financial support, I'm finishing school this year and I'm planning on getting a good job. I just have other things going on right now, it's not uncommon to be uninvolved is it?I don't know how common it is. But it's unacceptable. Children need love and emotional support from their dads. You cannot help your mother. She has to help herself. It's sad, but it's her battle. It also sounds as though it isn't even a new problem. So it's not the "worst possible time." In contrast, you have a duty to be there for your child. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 Well I don't even really have a problem with financial support, I'm finishing school this year and I'm planning on getting a good job. I just have other things going on right now, it's not uncommon to be uninvolved is it? Yes it is uncommon and heavily frowned upon. If you brought life into the world it is your responsibility to love, nurture and take care of it. That doesn't mean opening a door long enough to throw money at your baby before slamming it and going back to watch the game or whatever else you were doing. It's also pretty unnatural your reaction to having a child. Fear is understandable. I suspect you have emotional third-degree burns from your family unit. I, too, suffered severe scarring in that way. But our attachments can bring us the most joy or pain in life. Naturally when we are healthy, we attract healthy people, form healthy attachments and coping skills and we take a great deal of joy in sharing life with them. When we are unhealthy, we can't cope well and we find our attachments primarily stressful, inconvenient, smothering or something that needs to be "managed." 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Blade96 Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 (edited) deleted post, sorry I changed my mind. Edited January 1, 2014 by Blade96 Link to post Share on other sites
Eclypse Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 I predict I'll get crucified for this, but have you asked your gf if she'll consider an abortion? Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 Grow the hell up. If you don't want kids, get a vasectomy and always use a condom just in case. You don't get to decide whether to be held responsible if this is your child. You choose not to be involved? Definitely your choice, but ultimately your loss. You need to step back from your mom. She is a grown woman. If she chooses to stay with an abusive *******, that is on her. You will worry but what can you actually do? The fact that your child is treated as if it is some bothersome fly in your face is really telling of your character. So you don't want a kid? Get fixed or stop sticking it in a woman. You have soooo much going on right now? You poor thing. You ever get pregnant? You know that gal is going through a lot too. You have no idea. And you are so upper class? Whatever. I know poor people who have better character. Money does not = class, for sure. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I like your spark here friend but it takes two to tango. Legs can be kept closed as well. You add nothing to this discussion but knee jerk barking and hindsight. So this guy has no responsibility? I'm only contending that he does. And that he should man up and deal with it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 (edited) She ended up calling me and asking me to go to a friend's for New Years, not wanting her to go alone, I went. She just watched me the whole time, I ran into my high school sweetheart. When she saw us talking she ran upstairs bawling so I followed her. She said she hates when I talk to other women because they flirt with me. I honestly don't even remember her flirting with me... She spent more time crying about me not wanting the baby than anything else. I told her if I thought it was mine things would be different. She said she doesn't want it to be anyone else's baby because she would be lost without me. Then I told her about my mom and she cried some more. I showed her pictures and she said my dad is the scariest person she's ever met, he's never been rude to her, but she's seen him angry at my mom before and she never had been more afraid in her life. I calmed her down, and we went back to the party. The guy she cheated on me with was there and started walking over to her, saw me, turned around and left. My best friend said its because he was worried I was going to beat him up. My mom text my brothers and me at midnight that she and my dad loved us and wished we were together. My oldest brother responded he couldn't believe she was with him and I agreed. She didn't text back. I took my girlfriend home and she begged me to stay over. So I did, she cried the whole night and said she messed up and she would do anything to take it back. I told her she can't, and our relationship won't recover. Honestly she cheated on me. But everyone I've spoken to (my older brother, a mutual friend and her best friend) acts like I'm in the wrong. I don't get it. Edited January 2, 2014 by Rude boy Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 She ended up calling me and asking me to go to a friend's for New Years, not wanting her to go alone, I went. She just watched me the whole time, I ran into my high school sweetheart. When she saw us talking she ran upstairs bawling so I followed her. She said she hates when I talk to other women because they flirt with me. I honestly don't even remember her flirting with me... She spent more time crying about me not wanting the baby than anything else. I told her if I thought it was mine things would be different. She said she doesn't want it to be anyone else's baby because she would be lost without me. Then I told her about my mom and she cried some more. I showed her pictures and she said my dad is the scariest person she's ever met, he's never been rude to her, but she's seen him angry at my mom before and she never had been more afraid in her life. I calmed her down, and we went back to the party. The guy she cheated on me with was there and started walking over to her, saw me, turned around and left. My best friend said its because he was worried I was going to beat him up. My mom text my brothers and me at midnight that she and my dad loved us and wished we were together. My oldest brother responded he couldn't believe she was with him and I agreed. She didn't text back. I took my girlfriend home and she begged me to stay over. So I did, she cried the whole night and said she messed up and she would do anything to take it back. I told her she can't, and our relationship won't recover. Honestly she cheated on me. But everyone I've spoken to (my older brother, a mutual friend and her best friend) acts like I'm in the wrong. I don't get it. Yeah, you really need that paternity test done. So much starts to become clearer with a paternity test. How far along is she now? Have you gotten the pregnancy confirmed? Some women will fake a pregnancy to grab ahold of a relationship. She should be able to take a stick test to confirm. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 They're acting like you're in the wrong because there's a child involved now. If she weren't pregnant with the chance of it being yours, everyone would be rooting for you to leave her. But babies are a risk you take when you have sex, so now it's your responsibility, if it's yours. Sorry, that's just life. Now, if you find out it's not yours, feel free to walk away, I'd guess. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 In the meantime, stop staying overnight with the girl. You are making her think there is hope for the relationship when you are determined it is over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 (edited) She kept trying to kiss me all night. I was really annoyed, I do love her but the more I think about it the more I feel betrayed. I even at one point wondered if my dad felt the same way when my mom went into her crying and clingy mode... Then, I felt like a jerk. I would never ask her to abort, I've seen the loss of a baby almost completely destroy a woman... I would hate to initiate something like that. She told me when she cheated on me it was because I was detached and she was bored and this other guy told her I still loved my high school sweetheart, I do, but that's beside the point. I was really hurt when she cheated on me because I was thinking about proposing I never told her that though. Edited January 2, 2014 by Rude boy Link to post Share on other sites
Eggplant Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 There are 2 entirely separate issues here: 1) Whether you and she are together as a couple. 2) Whether you fully provide the love and attention that your son or daughter needs from his or her father. People for some reason seem to confuse these. You are perfectly justified in leaving a cheating girlfriend. In the second case, you are not justified in emotionally abandoning your child. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 There are 2 entirely separate issues here: 1) Whether you and she are together as a couple. 2) Whether you fully provide the love and attention that your son or daughter needs from his or her father. People for some reason seem to confuse these. You are perfectly justified in leaving a cheating girlfriend. In the second case, you are not justified in emotionally abandoning your child. But honestly, You have a lot of self-work to do with a child on the way. Emotionally, you sound like you have third-degree burns from your family of origin. That you have trouble attaching and showing attachment and that you are still very enmeshed with the abuse cycle in your family of origin and even concerned about becoming that abuser-type. You can't manage all of that on your own. Not because you aren't a capable individual, but because a healthy family of origin context is missing to guide you on conduct and managing your own feelings and attachments while being able to detach from their unhealthy choices. It's simply a skill set you haven't learned yet. You may be very good at shutting down feelings or removing obstacles frombyiur practical life, but that is another skill set entirely. I hope that you seek counseling to fill in the gaps that are missing from your family. Having had many many gaps that needing filling myself, it is a large undertaking by a very relieving and rewarding journey. You may want to check out EMDR therapy for trauma that you may have endured from witnessing domestic violence for so long. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Maybe she is under the impression that the baby will help convince you to stay. Make it clear to her that it is over and if she chooses to continue as a single mother, that is her choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 I do feel bad about the way I've been acting... I do love her. I really do. But after all this I don't trust her, seeing the other guy brought up those feelings again. Seeing my mom hurt, made me think about how much I'm like my dad, and lately she's reminded me of my mom. But not the things I love about her... She text me all day, please come over, please be with her and she's so sorry she did that to me. She sent me a text that said: I've loved you since I met you, I knew you were the one for me. I know you'd be the best daddy in the world and I can feel in my soul that this is our baby. I don't love him, I thought about you the whole time I was with him. I don't want to live without you by my side. You're the love of my life. It reminds me of things my mom says to my dad, and it breaks my heart... I don't want to be them! Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Don't make any decisions yet. You've got time. Ask her to arrange the paternity test. Watch her actions, not her words. Link to post Share on other sites
BeingMe Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 It sounds like you're being ruled by fear right now: fear of the unknown, of getting hurt again, of being tied down, but most of all, fear of becoming your father (which is why you're projecting ideas of your mother onto your girlfriend). You need to get counselling, today. You're right, you can't be there for her and the baby. But it's not because of your mum's current situation. It's because you are so full of fear that you are emotionally unavailable. And you'll continue that way unless you get help to make changes in yourself. It sounds like you need to end the relationship with your girlfriend, that the cheating was a dealbreaker for you. That's ok. But you need to let her know straight away and stop giving her mixed signals (no more being her'plus one' of staying over). Then she knows where she stands and can make honest decisions about her future. You also need to be honest about your need for a paternity test and that if it is yours, you will support the baby to the best of your ability. Your ability to parent may be limited, but if so, you need to be honest about that. However, counselling may change that for you. And also, meeting your own child for the first time can change that too. But please, don't let fear remain in charge of your decisions. You can choose to grow and be more than your childhood and your parents. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I think you need to take a deep breath. 1. First off, she can remind you of your mother but that does NOT make you like your father. You need to separate the two. One is not directly and solely linked to the other. She may share similar traits of your mom, as that is not uncommon that we date others with similar attributes of one of our parents. 2. It is okay if you are questioning the child. That does not make you abnormal or bad. You have valid reason to question the paternity as well as the desire to have the child. So that is okay. But if it is your child you need to step out of yourself and put this child first. This in no way means you must be with your girlfriend as she doesn't sound like a healthy partner for you. But being there to help raise your child is paramount. I get the fear of being like your parents, my parents had an awful marriage. But I am more than the sum of their actions. I am my own independent being who can reason, learn, adapt, and change. So I have full power to be whomever I want to be. And you are the same. There are patterns we learn growing up but we can rewrite them if the desire and drive are high enough. 3. Seek therapy. It will help with all of these issues and help you manage them. Remember that no matter how daunting the best way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. 4. I understand how twisted up about your girlfriend you are but the kindest thing you can do to her (and I know that with her cheating you don't owe her a lot) is to be straight forward and honest with her. Take a break, break up, ask for No Contact. Be clear and give yourself some space to process everything. Cheating can be a deal breaker, that is okay. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 I'm going to ask her to go to dinner tonight, then I'm going to do what I should've done three months ago, tell her it's over. Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Don't do dinner. Just tell her it is over. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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