Girlfriend is pregnant. I really don't want it

[pink_sugar]

I hope you are able to realize that the situation he is in is far from being normal.

 

He's freaking out and has no idea what to do.

 

Nothing that is going on right now is his fault.

 

I agree. It's not about him not wanting kids as much as it is about her trapping him and making a life decision for him without his consent. He should be able to make that choice to become a father when he is ready, which he is not. Given this situation, it's best for him not to parent right now. It's bad enough the mother has some serious psychological issues. The OP should be focusing on getting his issues in check before he can parent.

[turnera]

I went to lunch with my mom today. She sat and talked about how excited she was to be a grandma. I told her I didn't plan on being around much; she asked why. I told her because I was too much like my dad, I have everything about him I hate in me the only difference is I don't beat her. She put her head in her hands and sobbed. I didn't know what to say which just made things worse.

You say you care about your mom and want to get her away from your dad. Do you think maybe a different way of discussing this may have helped there? Instead of just saying I won't be around because of the ******* you married, how about 'mom, I'd love to be around you more, but I hate dad too much and I don't want any baby of mine being near him. If you want help moving out, I'm right there, and we can both get over what he's done to us, and you can help me be a great father' - something like that?

[nescafe1982]

I'm not sure. One night I caught one leaking so I traded it out, she got really annoyed with me but I wasn't sure why. I didn't put much thought into it until now...

 

 

A condom with a hole poked in it is likely to tear or break during intercourse. If she was poking them regularly, you would have condom breakage happen frequently.

 

What I'm telling you is that getting the paternity test as soon as the child is born is incredibly important. The docs may not want to do it before the birth... but it certainly needs to be done before you sign the birth certificate.

 

Because it's entirely possible that she's telling you now that she tampered with the condoms, even if she did not. Her sex with the other man might have been unprotected. She may be afraid that he's the father... and she certainly was swift to focus on you as the dad here.

 

I'm not saying she certainly did not tamper with the condoms... she might have. But a much simpler kind of deception is at least as likely: she might be lying about tampering with the condom because it increases the likelihood that this is your baby, not another man's.

 

Be careful, and get the paternity test.

Edited January 16, 2014 by nescafe1982

[Rude boy]

A condom with a hole poked in it is likely to tear or break during intercourse. If she was poking them regularly, you would have condom breakage happen frequently.

 

What I'm telling you is that getting the paternity test as soon as the child is born is incredibly important. The docs may not want to do it before the birth... but it certainly needs to be done before you sign the birth certificate.

 

Because it's entirely possible that she's telling you now that she tampered with the condoms, even if she did not. Her sex with the other man might have been unprotected. She may be afraid that he's the father... and she certainly was swift to focus on you as the dad here.

 

I'm not saying she certainly did not tamper with the condoms... she might have. But a much simpler kind of deception is at least as likely: she might be lying about tampering with the condom because it increases the likelihood that this is your baby, not another man's.

 

Be careful, and get the paternity test.

 

I'm sure all of the above is true. I know she wants it to be mine pretty desperately... I'm honestly hoping it's not my baby. I love her and everything but I'm just pissed off. The guy she cheated on me with barely graduated, and is just gross. She's a very pretty woman, so I'm confused as to why it was him. He's all pale and gangley and his teeth are all yellow and crooked.. It makes me shudder. I'm going to try for a test ASAP... even if she's pregnant.

 

I'm thinking if it is mine to use it as leverage to get my mom to leave my dad. Unfortunately, she can't live with me. But I'm sure she could get a place on alamony payments... But then she'd let him come over and nothing would change... I told her she needs therapy because she's messed up (however, not that nicely). She looked pretty embarrassed.

Edited January 16, 2014 by Rude boy

[DaisyLeigh1967]

I hope you are able to realize that the situation he is in is far from being normal.

 

He's freaking out and has no idea what to do.

 

Nothing that is going on right now is his fault.

 

Oh she got pregnant by osmosis? He is not abandoning her? Okay.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

I'm sure all of the above is true. I know she wants it to be mine pretty desperately... I'm honestly hoping it's not my baby. I love her and everything but I'm just pissed off. The guy she cheated on me with barely graduated, and is just gross. She's a very pretty woman, so I'm confused as to why it was him. He's all pale and gangley and his teeth are all yellow and crooked.. It makes me shudder. I'm going to try for a test ASAP... even if she's pregnant.

 

I'm thinking if it is mine to use it as leverage to get my mom to leave my dad. Unfortunately, she can't live with me. But I'm sure she could get a place on alamony payments... But then she'd let him come over and nothing would change... I told her she needs therapy because she's messed up (however, not that nicely). She looked pretty embarrassed.

 

Good lord, are you joking? Using a baby to get your mom to leave your dad? You don't want the kid, so why are you plotting this stuff?

 

It is hard, but if your mom wanted to leave your dad, she would. There is a lot of help for abused women out there. Obviously, she has not had enough.

[somedude81]

Oh she got pregnant by osmosis? He is not abandoning her? Okay.

Are you for real?

 

Let me spell it out for you.

 

She cheated on him and had unprotected sex with another guy.

 

In recent times that Rude Boy had sex with his GF, she had poked holes in the condom and sperm is able to go through those holes.

 

Is there anything you don't understand?

[CC12]

I don't want to believe that anyone would make up stories about their mother being a victim of horrible, brutal abuse, or about an ex-girlfriend threatening/attempting suicide and all those really dramatic things...but honestly, your writing is not very convincing. You don't write like a person who is actually experiencing any of these things. You're talking about deeply personal, heavy issues yet you sound totally unemotional and uninvolved.

 

I don't know whether you're lying, or if you're a totally broken person who needs a lot of therapy.

 

And with your latest update, you just sound like an evil cartoon villain:

 

I'm thinking if it is mine to use it as leverage to get my mom to leave my dad.

 

I told her she needs therapy because she's messed up (however, not that nicely). She looked pretty embarrassed.

 

If you are for real, you should be nicer to your mother who you care so much for that you won't have time for a baby.

 

Still, though, get some therapy.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Are you for real?

 

Let me spell it out for you.

 

She cheated on him and had unprotected sex with another guy.

 

In recent times that Rude Boy had sex with his GF, she had poked holes in the condom and sperm is able to go through those holes.

 

Is there anything you don't understand?

 

I understand perfectly Sweetie.

I am just saying that he was not raped.

[somedude81]

I understand perfectly Sweetie.

I am just saying that he was not raped.

Oh and that makes everything OK?

 

Glad to hear it.

[Els]

...but honestly, your writing is not very convincing. You don't write like a person who is actually experiencing any of these things.

 

Yes finally someone else who thinks the same!!!!!

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't want to believe that anyone would make up stories about their mother being a victim of horrible, brutal abuse, or about an ex-girlfriend threatening/attempting suicide and all those really dramatic things...but honestly, your writing is not very convincing. You don't write like a person who is actually experiencing any of these things. You're talking about deeply personal, heavy issues yet you sound totally unemotional and uninvolved.

 

I don't know whether you're lying, or if you're a totally broken person who needs a lot of therapy.

 

And with your latest update, you just sound like an evil cartoon villain:

 

 

 

If you are for real, you should be nicer to your mother who you care so much for that you won't have time for a baby.

 

Still, though, get some therapy.

 

When someone had been raised in such a deprivational environment they either become highly-reactive (like BPD) or they shut down on that front and become highly-survivalistic and pragmatic to the extreme.

 

OP'S delivery does show signs of the latter abd if he doesn't get help coukd develop into a type of sociopathy.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Oh and that makes everything OK?

 

Glad to hear it.

 

Did I say that it was all good? I don't think so. Please reread the post. Thank you.

 

I already made my point, and I am not going to beat a dead horse.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

I really hope this OP does not decide to have children in the future. I worry for their mental well-being.

[nescafe1982]

Rudeboy,

 

Do no try to use this child to influence your mother. That will end badly for all concerned.

 

I do think CC12 has a point that you sound a little too unemotional, disconnected from this thing. It's concerning.

 

Have you considered speaking to a therapist about all of this? I mean, with everything you're currently going through, having a therapist to sound ideas out would really be to your benefit. It's too much stress and life-altering change all at once.

 

Would you go to a therapist? How open are you to the idea?

 

(If it helps, you getting in there are seeing someone might set a good example for your mother. I'm sorry to hear she's still struggling with her codependent relationship with dad).

[Rude boy]

One of the reasons she said she cheated was because I was "detached" I think it's been engrained in me for so long that's it's normal. My dad wasn't there when my mom lost her last child. He wouldn't even look at her. I feel myself do that as well. My dad is one of those guys who thinks men who cry or so sadness are weak. He didn't care I was upset after her suicide attempt. He at one point told me to "shut the F/// up" when I was crying at the hospital. I honestly think the only way my mom will listen is talking down to her. It hurts, I hate that I do it. My brothers do as well, or she skims over it. I know I'm not as emotional as I should be and I'm working on it pretty hard.

[somedude81]

One of the reasons she said she cheated was because I was "detached"

Don't feel too bad about that.

 

A woman could leave you/and or cheat on you because you are too attached.

[whichwayisup]

One of the reasons she said she cheated was because I was "detached" I think it's been engrained in me for so long that's it's normal. My dad wasn't there when my mom lost her last child. He wouldn't even look at her. I feel myself do that as well. My dad is one of those guys who thinks men who cry or so sadness are weak. He didn't care I was upset after her suicide attempt. He at one point told me to "shut the F/// up" when I was crying at the hospital. I honestly think the only way my mom will listen is talking down to her. It hurts, I hate that I do it. My brothers do as well, or she skims over it. I know I'm not as emotional as I should be and I'm working on it pretty hard.

 

Such a bullcrap justification. And it's not normal, though tons of people DO that, cheat instead of opening up and talking about their needs and desires from their partner. Don't let her blame YOU for her decision to cheat on you. She's made poor choices and some bad ones too (lying and also those holes in the condoms to try to trap you, cover her own butt).. Her coping skills and thought process is not healthy, hence her behaviour.

[Rude boy]

I went to a gallery show for my brother. Everyone kept asking me where she was. I felt like such a loser being there alone. Her little brother showed up and wouldn't talk to me so I just felt worse. Everyone could see my mom was limping my dad kept answering for her and was weird. I only heard her say a handful of words all night.

[itsthetooth]

When I was young I used to fear having a child with every bone in my body. Letting two women raise my kids without my knowing anything about them, or ever having any contact with them, or paying any child support, hit me hard 18 years later when they were trying to locate me on FB.

 

Now that I'm older, and I was given the chance to run away from my responsibilities like the chicken **** that I am, I have realized what I have missed out on. A child, any child, can be the most beautiful thing in the world. Providing DNA says its your child anyhow, but why waste the money if you know she has been faithful?

 

You have a chance to make a huge difference in someones life, someone that YOU helped create. Now I know you might be thinking hey it was just two pumps and a squirt, how can I be a good father out of all of this. Well the fact is you CAN, and you will, because now you have an innocent baby that needs you. Your child needs a father, and how would you feel if your baby had to be a bastard, or even worse, get raised by some nut job that she starts dating, because you two break up over this?

 

I guarantee you could be a WAY better father than I EVER could. Most likely because you were raised with rules, and common sense, and love, you know, all the things I DIDNT have. You can't just terminate your parental rights thinking your just going to wash your hands from all this. First of all they only allow no child support in very rare cases. You would have to be inelligable to take of yourself basically, and I'm sure you can work most jobs.

 

If the two of you break up over this because she decided to keep the baby when you didn't want to, well, the law says your screwed to the max because pregnancy is an autonomous deal once you placed the order. This is why birth control is SO important, not using it opens up a can of worms like this. Anyhow, abortions aren't retroactive so you have to go foward now. If you were willing to have sex with her, I'm sure you must have some type of feelings for her. Why not start a family and make sure your child is going to be taken care of. Only you have the power to do this. It's too hard for one parent to try to raise a child, trust me, my karma caught up with me, and I ended up having my last son for 10 years because his mother is looney.

 

Despite the fact she paid me well for child support, $450 a month, she only paid when she wanted to and worked as many native jobs and under the table jobs to avoid DCS. Now my son is 16, hes 6"6 and 177lbs. It was very hard for me to do the 10 years alone like I did. Karma's a bitch aint it?

 

Unfortunatly, my son developed a multitude of mental disorders, and sorry to say, but he is looney like his mother. I never saw it coming. Now that he is 16 the state feels it's fairly safe for him to be with his mother. I disagree, but she had 3 attorneys backing the decision and I had none.

 

So, be proactive, and tell your hunny bunny, that you would like her to take a psycological evaluation, and you do the same as well. If you really want to find out where the meat and potatos rests in all of this, thats whats going to be needle in the haystack. Your either going to find out that one of you, or possibly both of you shouldn't be having children, or maybe your both mentally healty, which would be ideal. Rest assured, if either one of you is not a fit person, then you just helped bring another you into the world.

 

You could possibly use this to get your rights terminated, or hers for that matter. I felt it best that MY son be in a state home. He's to manipulative, and has sociopathic tendencies, and is very cunning to always get his way. Seriously, he's out of my control, and I even had help from the courts, and he was still out of control, drugs, not going to school, poor grades, physically attacking my girlfriend twice and should have been arrested. He turned out to be a real piece of work. If anything, get the psyc evals so that at least you know what your headed for.

[pink_sugar]

When I was young I used to fear having a child with every bone in my body. Letting two women raise my kids without my knowing anything about them, or ever having any contact with them, or paying any child support, hit me hard 18 years later when they were trying to locate me on FB.

 

Now that I'm older, and I was given the chance to run away from my responsibilities like the chicken **** that I am, I have realized what I have missed out on. A child, any child, can be the most beautiful thing in the world. Providing DNA says its your child anyhow, but why waste the money if you know she has been faithful?

 

You have a chance to make a huge difference in someones life, someone that YOU helped create. Now I know you might be thinking hey it was just two pumps and a squirt, how can I be a good father out of all of this. Well the fact is you CAN, and you will, because now you have an innocent baby that needs you. Your child needs a father, and how would you feel if your baby had to be a bastard, or even worse, get raised by some nut job that she starts dating, because you two break up over this?

 

I guarantee you could be a WAY better father than I EVER could. Most likely because you were raised with rules, and common sense, and love, you know, all the things I DIDNT have. You can't just terminate your parental rights thinking your just going to wash your hands from all this. First of all they only allow no child support in very rare cases. You would have to be inelligable to take of yourself basically, and I'm sure you can work most jobs.

 

If the two of you break up over this because she decided to keep the baby when you didn't want to, well, the law says your screwed to the max because pregnancy is an autonomous deal once you placed the order. This is why birth control is SO important, not using it opens up a can of worms like this. Anyhow, abortions aren't retroactive so you have to go foward now. If you were willing to have sex with her, I'm sure you must have some type of feelings for her. Why not start a family and make sure your child is going to be taken care of. Only you have the power to do this. It's too hard for one parent to try to raise a child, trust me, my karma caught up with me, and I ended up having my last son for 10 years because his mother is looney.

 

Despite the fact she paid me well for child support, $450 a month, she only paid when she wanted to and worked as many native jobs and under the table jobs to avoid DCS. Now my son is 16, hes 6"6 and 177lbs. It was very hard for me to do the 10 years alone like I did. Karma's a bitch aint it?

 

Unfortunatly, my son developed a multitude of mental disorders, and sorry to say, but he is looney like his mother. I never saw it coming. Now that he is 16 the state feels it's fairly safe for him to be with his mother. I disagree, but she had 3 attorneys backing the decision and I had none.

 

So, be proactive, and tell your hunny bunny, that you would like her to take a psycological evaluation, and you do the same as well. If you really want to find out where the meat and potatos rests in all of this, thats whats going to be needle in the haystack. Your either going to find out that one of you, or possibly both of you shouldn't be having children, or maybe your both mentally healty, which would be ideal. Rest assured, if either one of you is not a fit person, then you just helped bring another you into the world.

 

You could possibly use this to get your rights terminated, or hers for that matter. I felt it best that MY son be in a state home. He's to manipulative, and has sociopathic tendencies, and is very cunning to always get his way. Seriously, he's out of my control, and I even had help from the courts, and he was still out of control, drugs, not going to school, poor grades, physically attacking my girlfriend twice and should have been arrested. He turned out to be a real piece of work. If anything, get the psyc evals so that at least you know what your headed for.

 

I think you missed several crucial points. The OP did use birth control...his GF told him later she poked holes in the condoms. And she also had unprotected sex with someone else. So yes, the OP definitely needs to invest in that paternity test...

 

I do agree that he could use her mental state to have her rights terminated considering she sounds mentally unstable with threatening to kill herself if he leaves and all...

[Arabella]

I do agree that he could use her mental state to have her rights terminated considering she sounds mentally unstable with threatening to kill herself if he leaves and all...

 

He doesn't even want the child and he should get her rights terminated?

 

No offense but I hardly think taking away the child from her mother is the right way of handling this. That's a spiteful reaction and it will only make her mental state even more fragile. So long as she's not a danger to the baby, how about just getting her some treatment instead? A newborn needs his or her mother.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

He doesn't even want the child and he should get her rights terminated?

 

No offense but I hardly think taking away the child from her mother is the right way of handling this. That's a spiteful reaction and it will only make her mental state even more fragile. So long as she's not a danger to the baby, how about just getting her some treatment instead? A newborn needs his or her mother.

 

Yeah let's just PUNISH the bitch. Right? She must pay for her crime with having the guy who wishes to abandon his child with custody of said child. Makes no damn sense. :rolleyes:

 

Not to mention it is really hard to do on one incident. They just don't take babies away from mothers and hand them to guys who doesn't even care about the babies. Geez. They do give someone a chance to get their **** together. Unless you are the worst druggie, prostitute, criminal mastermind in the world, it is not going to cost the baby.

[BHsigh]

She must pay for her crime with having the guy who wishes to abandon his child with custody of said child. Makes no damn sense. :rolleyes:

 

And how are you sure that it's his child? Do you have information that he doesn't by any chance?

 

He also has about 4 - 6 months to make up his mind about wanting a kid. if it turns out to be his.

 

I think that you need to cut OP some slack, after what he just went through it is more than understandable for him to react harshly. You're painting him as the bad guy and his GF as the poor little flower that was stepped on by the big bad guy.

 

I don't know how I would react if my GF had unprotected sex with another man and ended up pregnant, just to deal with her being clingy and threatening suicide, all while dealing with an abusive father and a mother that won't leave the POS father, and I'm willing to bet that you don't either.

 

I personally have to commend you OP, most people would be a broken mess after all of this. Once everything settles down you may decide differently about your involvment with this child, if it is indeed yours.

[pink_sugar]

And how are you sure that it's his child? Do you have information that he doesn't by any chance?

 

He also has about 4 - 6 months to make up his mind about wanting a kid. if it turns out to be his.

 

I think that you need to cut OP some slack, after what he just went through it is more than understandable for him to react harshly. You're painting him as the bad guy and his GF as the poor little flower that was stepped on by the big bad guy.

 

I don't know how I would react if my GF had unprotected sex with another man and ended up pregnant, just to deal with her being clingy and threatening suicide, all while dealing with an abusive father and a mother that won't leave the POS father, and I'm willing to bet that you don't either.

 

I personally have to commend you OP, most people would be a broken mess after all of this. Once everything settles down you may decide differently about your involvment with this child, if it is indeed yours.

 

^^^This!!

 

Considering she was having unprotected sex with another man while she was with the OP, there is a very good chance she could be saying it's his so he won't leave her. All she has to do is throw in a story such as poking holes in his condoms to get him to believe there is a possibility that it is his.

 

And yes, this woman is seriously mentally unstable. It's not fair for a child to grow up with a mother like that. My aunt had bi-polar and did was not able to give her son a stable upbringing for that reason. I've seen CPS get involved in matters much less trivial than this.